by Jill Cooper
Sitting isn’t going to make it better. It’s only going to make it worse, so I get up and leave my room. Mom is across the way, removing towels from what had been Mike’s room. Now, gazing passed her, it looks nothing like it. It’s now a spare guest bedroom with a few boxes scattered around.
Mike has been deleted from the world, not just our memories. I’m destroyed because we did this. It was our choice. It was to help Mike, but I feel so alone. I’m slipping.
Mom’s been talking to me and I haven’t been paying attention. I shake my head. “Sorry, Mom, what?”
She smiles kindly at me. “You need a weekend more than I do! TGIF, right?”
“TGIF.” I repeat even though I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“This weekend is the rehearsal dinner. The wedding is getting so close, I can’t believe it. Feels like a dream.” She grins and looks so happy. If she knew what I knew, she’d be devastated. Destroyed. We’ve hurt her enough and now we can finally protect her.
I kiss her cheek. “You deserve it and I can’t wait. Does this mean I get to go on the honeymoon?”
Mom laughs. “Oh, you. You know you’re staying with Lara.”
Lara. My stomach tightens and rolls with acid for her and the choices that stand between her and Don. He came so close to becoming completely unhinged. I’m scared for him and I’m afraid for my sister—more than ever.
But, I can no longer see the future or the possible choices that surround us. Morgan stole my power and Lara had taken it for safe keeping. She’d offered it to me, but I’m not ready for it. I don’t think I ever was. I’m happy to see it go even as Lara wishes to be rid of it.
“Don’t you think I’m a little old for a babysitter, Mom?”
“Almost,” Mom throws her arms around me and we head downstairs. “But you’re not there yet and you’re still my baby. So, until you’re grown up and out of this house, I get to baby you as much as I want.”
I can’t help a small smile that lifts me a little bit out of my despair. “I think I can deal with that.”
Chapter Thirty-Three: Lara
Old Lara held on in the hospital longer than anyone had thought she would. She’d gone from critical to serious condition in a matter of days. When she was stable, Cassidy and I had begun worrying about what we were going to do.
She is alive, but maybe not for much longer, and she can’t take care of herself. Talk about staring mortality in the face.
Slowly, Old Lara’s becoming feeble, but when I visit, her face light’s up. I like that about her. I bring our favorite vanilla candle and some snacks for her.
I sit by her bed and even though we rarely talk, I stay until she falls asleep. Her long curly white hair frames her face, and I brush it back before I get ready to leave. I pick up my purse and I’m at the door, gazing back at her.
Someone taps my shoulder. It’s one of the female orderlies. “We’ll be transferring her to the long-term care facility in the morning. Is there anyone you want listed as an emergency contact?”
“Just me,” I gaze back at sleeping Older Lara. “We’re family. All calls and bills, they should come to me.”
Family doesn’t let each other down.
****
The letter comes in the mail from a lawyer whose name I don’t recognize. Old Lara has left me the fortune she’s amassed over the last one hundred years, investing in companies and technology that she knew would make it big. Now that sizeable estate is mine. Good thing too because the bills for Old Lara’s nursing home have already started piling up.
When the doorbell rings, I pull it open, dread filling me. On the other side, Donovan stands with his hands in his pockets. His head is down, and he can barely bring himself to look at me. “I won’t be long. Just going to get a few of my things.”
I nod and stand out of his way. “Take your time. I’ll be in the kitchen. Did you want a cup of tea?”
His eyebrows raise with shock. “I’d rather get my things and go. For tonight.”
Now I’m the one who is floored. Doesn’t he want to talk to me? “All right, sure.” He hurries passed and I shut the door. This hurts more than I thought it would.
Way more.
I stay in the kitchen true to my word. I mix up some loose-leaf tea into my strainer and put on the kettle. By the time I’m pouring near boiling water into my white mug, I feel Donovan step into the kitchen and he places his suitcases down.
“Didn’t feel right leaving without saying goodbye.”
I need to be strong, but it’s hard. I turn around and when I see the tears in his eyes, mine fill up. I fight the impulse to go to him, hold him, and beg him to stay. “We both need this time. See what it is we want.”
“I know what I want,” Donovan says, “but I messed it all up. I fought too hard. I lost my way. I did things…I’m not proud, Lara. But I can’t say I wouldn’t do it again if it meant saving your life.”
“I know. I love you for it even as I despise what you did to me, this body. I’m living another Lara’s life and I don’t know how to be okay with that, Don. I just don’t.”
Donovan licks his lips and glances me over. “She volunteered. No one pushed her into doing what she didn’t want. She thought a piece of her would live on.”
“I can feel her,” I admit in a hushed whisper. “Different than every other merger, she’s still here. I have her memories and she has mine. It’s almost like living with another person in your head.” I watch surprise break out on his face. “She wants me to give you another chance.”
“What do you want?”
“I want you to stay.” My voice trembling and my arms shake. I cross them to get them to stop. “I want you to hold me, I want to hold you. I want to trust you, Donovan. I want us to be a team…but everything you did, even if you discount what happened between you and Cassidy, you lied. You betrayed everything we were. How can I ask you to stay?”
Donovan nods. His eyes have gone bloodshot and I can see how my words tear through him. I don’t want any of this. “We need time apart. I’ll respect everything you want. I won’t come around if you don’t want me to, but don’t give up on us, Lara. Please.”
“I think it’s time you go. Please.” I’m so tired, I want to curl up and die.
“If you don’t want to come into work, if you don’t want me at your folks’ wedding…what will you tell them?”
Work, I haven’t even given thought to what we’ll do about the company if we go our separate ways. It’s all too painful to think about. “I told my parents we’re taking a breather. Trust me, that conversation was almost more painful than this one.”
Donovan bites his lip. “I’m sorry. Really.”
I know he is, that’s the worst thing. He won’t stop apologizing. He won’t stop and it doesn’t make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse.
“You can come to the wedding. Maybe we can…. They’d like you there and so would I.” I take a breath, gathering up some internal strength. I walk Donovan to the door and open it for him.
“Should I leave my key?” He looks lost, like a puppy and I want to take care of him, but I remember everything. It’s too fresh in my mind. I need distance.
“Please, don’t. I don’t think I could stand it if you did.”
Donovan nods. He pauses and for a brief moment strokes my cheek. It burns love and contempt in my chest. I want him to kiss me as much as I want him not to, but he doesn’t. “Future Mike…before you arrived and saved me, he talked about a daughter. About us having a daughter. Is there any truth to that?”
I nod but don’t tell him I met her. I don’t say how much she hated me but had adored him. “If I’m pregnant, it’s too soon to tell.”
“Like everything right now,” Donovan says with a sigh.
“If you had told me. If you came to me—”
“I thought I’d lose you! I thought you’d separate from this body and I’d never get another chance. It was torture not being able to tell you. Torture. Now y
ou’re punishing me because I did what I thought was necessary to save you.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?” My eyes widen. “You think this is easy for me? You think I want this? All I want to do is love you.” Tears spill from my eyes. “I didn’t want to do this now. I didn’t want us to talk to each other this way.”
“Maybe we can’t have it both ways, Lara. Maybe we have to make a choice.” He walks on out and I slam the door shut.
I slump to the floor and everything I’d believed we are, everything I’d thought I had, combusts.
****
I’ve been sitting on the floor for too long. The sun has set, and I have no concept of how much time has passed, but the ticking of time exists in my head. It’s a comfort and a burden, but one I’ll always be forced to bear. I only start to think about getting up, finding something to eat when I feel the portal to the bridge open.
The edges glow and light up my face as Cassidy steps through.
“Just coming into people’s homes now?” I ask quietly and rest my head back against the wall.
“I wasn’t sure if you’d bother to get up to let me in, but I brought cookies.” Cassidy holds up a brown paper bag from one of my favorite bakeries, Kate’s Homemade Goodies.
“Well, if I knew you were bringing me cookies…” A gentle smirk spreads across my face, but it’s mournful. I know how unhappy I look.
Cassidy offers me her hand. “If you’d indulge me, I have a lot to make up for.”
Her eyes are wide and apologetic, but there’s hope in them. I wish I could claim some of that hope for myself. I take her hand and she helps me off the floor. I think maybe I’d taken her hand to help heal her, but I realize it helps me, too.
She pours some milk in the kitchen and we sit in the living room side by side on the sofa. I tuck my legs beneath me and Cassidy sits with her legs straight out. There’s a nervous energy between us, but as I break off a piece of cookie and pop it into my mouth, I can look at her.
“I didn’t get a chance to say thanks for coming to save me. Again.”
Her hair falls in front of her face and I stroke it back, placing it behind her ear. “No matter what happens, we’re still family. I guess I’m discovering that forgiving you is so much easier than forgiving Donovan.”
Cassidy nods with understanding. “What we did was unforgivable. I don’t know how you can even look at me. The lies we told, the stories we weaved. It would’ve been so much easier to tell you everything. But we were all afraid.”
I suck in my breath to hear the raw emotion of her voice. Letting down her guard has always been something Cassidy struggles with, even in the future before she had been kidnapped by Rex. There’s so many things that I want to tell her. Instead, I wrap my arms around her middle and rest my head on her shoulder.
She squeezes my hand and gives me a gentle pat. “You think we’ll ever be friends again, like we were?”
“I hope so,” I mutter and hide my face into her shoulder. Cassidy strokes my hair and we sit there for a long time, feeling each other’s presence. “I really hope so. If I lost you and Donovan on the same day, I don’t think I could stand it.”
“I don’t think you’ve lost him and I know for sure you haven’t lost me.” Cassidy turns and offers me a meager smile, tears shining in her eyes.
We sit and talk about things that aren’t weighing on either of our hearts. I worry about what we’re going to do about Molly and everything she’s gone through. Wiping people’s memories is the last thing I’ve ever wanted to do. It’s what I’ve championed against all this time.
Maybe when love is involved, things are just complicated.
Chapter Thirty-Four: Lara
The pregnancy stick turns pink the morning of my parents’ wedding.
I’ve been feeling different, so I can’t say I’m surprised. I take it in stride and part of me wants to shout it from the rooftops but another part of me feels the disconnect. Is this my body enough to even consider this my baby? I want to tell Donovan; I know how it’ll make him feel. We haven’t been talking much. He’s been giving me the space I asked for, respecting my boundaries.
Now, I feel ready to see him again. I feel ready, on the day my parents finally remarry, to move forward.
But will Don be ready too? I’m nervous and a little nauseous and I’m pretty sure he’s the cause of that and not the early stages of my pregnancy.
I dress, and my hair is done by the hair stylist at Mom’s house. There’s me and Molly in her room. She’s tired, withdrawn, and I know the loss of Mike is hard on her. She can’t even talk about him to her parents and I wonder if it’s really for the best. Is pain such a horrible thing? Couldn’t Mom learn to deal with life without Mike if it meant that Molly didn’t have to suffer like this?
But when I see Mom’s smiling face as she stands in her wedding dress, my doubts go away. I wonder if that’s how Donovan’s felt. It leaves me cold, conflicted, and I don’t even know anymore what is right and what is wrong.
We drive to the church and Molly is so silent. She stares out the window even after I grab her hand. In the back of the church, I pin a flower in Mom’s dress. “You look beautiful,” I kiss her cheeks one at a time.
Her smile spreads wide. “Thank you, Lara. You know, this makes me think of when you were little. When your father would come home from work and how we’d all get together on the sofa for dinner or a movie. Makes me think how lucky I am. How lucky you are, too.”
“Mom,” I whisper with a roll of my eyes. “Donovan and I are working on it. He’ll be here today, and I promise I’ll talk to him then. We have a lot to say to each other.”
“I know, baby. I know all of that. I thought your father and I had problems before…well, before everything, and look where we’re standing. He loved me and I loved him. Sometimes the problems we think are important…they just aren’t.”
Maybe she’s right, but some problems are more significant than she thinks. I don’t want to argue with her so I get her ready for the wedding and it’s only a few minutes later that I’m walking her down the aisle to give her away to my father.
The pews are filled with so many people we know, but my eyes fall to Jax who looks at me—proud…but sad. So sad….
I remember what he’d said to me about forgiveness and the willingness to grace someone with that gift. Makes me think of Donovan. I want to be the bigger person. I want to love and be with him, but is it the right choice?
What if he never stops lying? What if he always keeps me in the dark for my best interests? That’s no way to live a life. That’s not what I want for myself or my baby. Already I’m thinking in terms of a family and it’s only been a few hours since my pregnancy test came back positive.
We reach the altar and I hand Mom over to Dad. He gives me a wink, so much joy on his face as he kisses my cheek. I have no doubt that everything will be all right for them. Dad had had so much bitterness in his heart when he’d been released from prison.
If they can do this, maybe I can too.
****
Mom and Dad are wed, and we go on to take family photos in the courtyard of the hotel. It’s a beautiful clear day with blue skies. There’s a huge stone water fountain, a stream flowing behind us and so many white and purple flowers, I lose count.
Family gathers together and I’m reminded of how much I love them. Jax is there and stands with Molly. Even Cassidy is there—Mom may not understand who she is precisely, but she’s become more part of the family circle more than she used to be. It makes me think of Old Lara, locked away in the nursing home.
Maybe she’s a secret I shouldn’t keep.
As I walk by, I hear Jax strike a conversation up with her. “So…my great-granddaughter. How’s that for blowing your mind?”
Cassidy laughs nervously and her cheeks flush red. “I didn’t know you knew.”
“Lara told me,” Jax says simply. “Wish I knew before, but it’s an honor to meet you, Cassidy Winters. It’s an
honor to have you here.” He offers her a hug and Cassidy readily accepts it. Over his shoulder, she smiles at me.
I smile at her too. She’s my best friend. It’s best I start acting like it again.
“Hey.”
Donovan’s voice startles me. I turn to him. Seeing him in his suit throws me for a moment. He looks handsome as he always does. “Hi.”
“Miranda invited me to be in the photos. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I should even come. I haven’t heard from you lately and…” He shrugs and looks resigned to fate. “I just didn’t know what to do.”
“I’m glad you came. You’re family. You need to be here.”
“Yeah?” Donovan asks with an uptick of his eyebrows.
“Yeah.” I take his hand and our fingers intertwine. We stand apart from the others but still together. Our eyes lock and I feel myself melting into him. It’s easy to do.
We take our photos as we’re supposed to in every possible formation. It’s the photos that’s Donovan’s in that raises my heart rate. He slips his hands on my hips when he’s instructed and the more we do it, the more at ease he seems.
When the photo session breaks up, Donovan hangs out with Molly and Jax, he seems to avoid me and Cassidy the most. As we head to the reception, I follow him. “Donovan!”
He does an about take and heads over my way. “Hey, Lar. I wasn’t sure…if you want me to escort you to the reception? I mean, I’m available if that’s what you’d like.”
“What would you like?” I ask and come to a stop to look at him.
Donovan rubs his neck. “Well, I’d like to escort you.”
“If you offer me your arm, I’ll take it.”
Donovan doesn’t delay. He offers me his elbow and I slip mine through his. We walk back to the limo that’s waiting for us. “If I asked you to start over, if I wanted to take you to dinner, do you think that’d be a good idea?”
I nod. “I think that’d be a perfect idea. I’d love for you to take me to dinner.”
