by J. H. Croix
I laughed. “I get it.”
“Seriously though, if you really want to reconsider law school, you know you could. But rumor has it, people love your food here, so you’ll probably get more accolades doing this than going the law route.”
I thought about how close I’d been to graduating from law school. I thought a little more about what it might feel like to try to go back. For now, I couldn’t dredge up the motivation.
Glancing sideways to catch May’s gaze again, I asked, “You’ve heard about my food?”
She gave me a pointed look. “Yes. Phoebe got things off with a bang, and I’ve heard your specials are awesome.”
Just then, the door near the bench opened and my head swiveled along with May’s to see who was coming out. The second my eyes landed on Ty’s broad shoulders, my pulse took off at a fast gallop and heat sizzled down my spine. Ty hadn’t even looked our way yet, and here I was, getting all hot and bothered.
“Hey Ty, you happen to know when Alec will be out?” May called.
Ty held a garbage bag that looked to be filled with bottles in one hand and turned to glance our way. He cast May one of his easy grins, before his eyes shifted to me. His gaze lingered just long enough for heat to suffuse me. I was relieved for the almost darkness and the cool autumn night air.
“I imagine he’ll be out in a few minutes,” Ty replied when his eyes flicked back to May.
She drummed her fingertips on the railing of the bench. “Looks busy tonight.”
“It’s busy every night,” Ty replied with a chuckle. “Speaking of, I need to get back in there.”
With a wink that I knew wasn’t meant specifically for me and another grin, he crossed the parking lot and tossed the bag in the recycling bin. A moment later, he had returned inside. The sounds of the busy kitchen and bar briefly filtered to the parking lot when he opened the door before it was muted as it closed.
May glanced my way, giving me a curious look. “Well, that was hot.”
I didn’t see how she could have any idea just how hot I literally was from nothing more than a passing interaction with Ty. “What?” I asked, my voice coming out a little squeaky and raspy at the same time.
“That look he gave you. Totally hot. So, tell me, have you given in and had a little fun yet?”
I wanted to lie and deny it, but I didn’t really have anyone to talk to these days. I was still settling into this small town and finding my way. I could really use a friend. Finding my way applied to more than this town. I felt my cheeks get hotter again as I tried to reply nonchalantly, “Maybe.”
May chuckled. “Good for you. You need to have fun. We all do sometimes.”
My blush faded quickly, and I let out a sigh. “I know. It’s just that fun used to get me in trouble.”
“You’re not going to get in trouble. When Alec and I first got together, it was all about the fun, and nothing went wrong.”
Panic tightened in my chest, and I felt my eyes go wide as I stared at her. “Right, and now you two are living together and probably planning to get married and have kids. I don’t think I’m ready to go there.”
May wrinkled her nose, eyeing me warmly. “It’s okay, Belle. You can just have fun. Plus, Ty is a really nice guy. Who’s to say it couldn’t be more than that?”
“Would you please stop? I can’t think past trying to have a little fun. Anything else is too complicated.”
“Okay.” She was all easy and breezy. “Was it good?” she teased, leaning closer.
I punched her lightly on the shoulder. “Stop it. And yes, of course it was.”
As if he somehow knew I needed to be rescued from this conversation, Alec came out the back door then. He was a tall, handsome guy. He cast a friendly smile at me. Of course, he was already holding his hand out and tugging May up from the bench. Alec had no problem with PDA and seemed to like to have May close to him whenever she happened to be in his vicinity.
“Sorry I’m late,” he murmured as he pressed a lingering kiss on her cheek.
I actually flushed a little as she looked up at him. The intimacy between them was so clear, it felt as if I were interrupting.
May smiled at him. “No worries. I was hanging out with Belle.”
“Those spicy wings you made for a special this week were freaking awesome,” Alec offered as he glanced my way again.
“I aim to please,” I said as I stood.
“Coffee again soon?” May asked as she laced her fingers with Alec’s.
“Any time before noon. Just text me. I’m always up early.”
I watched as they walked away, aiming for the trees between Speakeasy and The Gin Mill. They walked to the very path that led to the bench where I first kissed Ty. I doubted they were planning to stop at the bench and make out. Alec and May lived in an apartment on the third floor above The Gin Mill, they didn’t need to make do with public benches.
I experienced a burn in my chest, wishing I had someone to share my life with. That startled the hell out of me.
Of late, all I wanted was to find a small island of stability, a place where I knew I would be okay. I didn’t want to feel lonely, and lately, that’s exactly how I felt. I didn’t have my sparkling confidence to carry me. No more honors student, no more shooting star into a law career that I wasn’t even sure I’d ever wanted.
I walked across the parking lot, turning onto the sidewalk and crossing the street to the town green to make my way up the hill to my little apartment. I thought about how it felt to fall asleep with Ty the other night. Longing pierced me. I wished he were here with me tonight. And, not just for the sexy times, although those sure were great. Rather, I craved his presence and how easy it was to be with him.
That was crazy thinking. I needed to get my shit together, not tumble into a relationship. Not to mention that I doubted Ty viewed me as relationship material. Especially not since I told him the truth. Who wanted to be with a girl who skidded off course as spectacularly as I had? Ty didn’t even know all of the ugly details. In particular, that I’d stolen a car.
16
Belle
My therapist cocked her head to the side, tapping her fingers lightly on the arm of her chair. Laura had big blue eyes behind round glasses and paired with curly gray hair. She gave off this aging hippie vibe. Today, she was wearing sandals with wool socks. Totally not trendy, but it suited her perfectly, along with her lightweight cargo pants and practical blouse, which I was positive was made of that fabric that didn’t wrinkle, which was kind of weird and miraculous.
“Belle, there are people all over the world who have relationships, marriages, and families with people who have the very same diagnosis you do. Bipolar Disorder is not some kind of life sentence. In fact, I’d be willing to bet you have no idea how many people around you are dealing with their own challenges.”
Laura said this in her usual calm tone, however it was laced with a hint of exasperation. She’d met me the week after my night at the hospital. After a year of knowing me, she didn’t hesitate to share her opinion when she thought I was giving myself too hard of a time.
“But—” I began, immediately stopping to gather my thoughts. “I know everyone’s dealing with something, it’s just…” I sighed. “I was in a psych hospital for a night. I feel like most people would think that was, well, a lot.”
“It was one night, and you were in a manic phase. The chemical situation in your brain was not good during that time. Actually, you totally get a pass,” she said, lifting her hand and waving it casually in the air.
I glared at her. “I get a pass?”
“Not really,” she said with a little laugh. “Bipolar Disorder is a chemical state in your brain. When you’re having a manic phase, things are out of whack, chemically speaking. You’ve been on medication and managed it well for over a year. As we’ve discussed, it’s something you need to be aware of and continue to manage. Do I need to remind you of all the famous people who have Bipolar Disorder? Or, shall I reel off
statistics associated with various mental health issues? You are not alone, and you are not crazy.”
“I know, I know.” I leaned my face into my hands, my breath filtering through my fingers with my sigh before I lifted my head up again and brushed my hair away from my face. “I don’t want to have a full-blown manic phase ever again, but I wouldn’t mind having just a little bit of it.” I held up my thumb and forefinger with a tiny gap between them. “Just enough so I can feel that little hit of confidence.” I shook my head. “That doesn’t really make any sense.”
Laura tilted her head to the side, her eyes warm and understanding. “Right, but it wasn’t based on genuine confidence. You’re struggling with this realignment in your life, which is completely expected. It would be weird if you weren’t. You’re still brilliant, but you were floating along doing everything you thought your parents wanted. Maybe that is what you actually want, but I don’t know that you know that yet. Before you go thinking this is something only you would struggle with and beating yourself up about that, just stop that right now. Frankly some people have what’s described as a midlife crisis because they do what they think they should do all the way up until they get old enough to wonder if maybe they chose the wrong path. In a strange way, your manic episode has forced you to reconsider your choices much sooner. Maybe you will go back to law school. Maybe not.”
My head was shaking all on its own, and Laura smiled softly. “See, you do know, or I think you do. You need to figure out how to feel good on your own, so you can make decisions about what you want without the external accolades buoying you.”
“What do you mean?” I pressed, a sneaky sense of uncertainty unspooling inside.
“Getting honors, scholarships, having your friends look up to you, and thinking law school was what you wanted because you thought it was what your parents wanted for you. Having met your parents, I think they want whatever makes you happy. Like most parents, they reinforce what you do well, and you’re a pleaser so you did what they thought you wanted. In turn, they praised you for that, and the cycle turned into a nice little merry-go-round that wasn’t helpful.”
We’d had several variations of this conversation. I bit my lip, contemplating something I wasn’t sure I was ready to tell her but thought I probably should.
“I had sex,” I announced, rather forcefully.
Ever unflappable, Laura simply nodded. “I hope it was what you wanted. I also hope it was good.” Her lips quirked at that.
My cheeks got hot. “It was, but I think maybe it was a mistake.”
“How come? There’s nothing wrong with having fun. I’ve been pointing that out for a while now. I’m a little concerned that you think you can never have fun again.”
I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think that. I’m just trying to figure out how to do life.”
“Tell me about the person you were with.”
“He was a guy I knew before. He was a college hockey star, and we had a few hookups back in the day.”
Laura nodded, waiting for me to add more information, like she always did. Sometimes, I found her patience annoying.
“It was great, and he’s a good guy. I made the mistake of telling him about my situation,” I said, flapping my hand vaguely in the air.
“Was this before or after your latest encounter?”
“Before. I can’t imagine he would consider me relationship material. Not that that’s what I’m looking for.” I felt pressed to clarify.
Laura regarded me, warmth and understanding practically radiating like beams from her eyes. “Why do you think you can’t have a relationship? I mean that seriously.”
“Because who would want to have a relationship with me?” I pressed my hands to my eyes and then flung them away.
“Belle, you are a bright, kind, funny woman. Obviously, I’m your therapist, but I’ve spent enough time with you to know that plenty of people would want to have a relationship with someone like you.”
“But I’m really a mess,” I said quietly.
Laura shrugged, all nonchalant, like my mistakes were totally no big deal. “You’re not any more of a mess than most of the world. You just think you are and that’s the problem. You have your symptoms managed. I think it’s great you had sex. And if it’s good, I think you should have more.” It was almost funny that my therapist wanted to make sure the sex was good. She paused before adding, “I hope he’s not abusive like your last boyfriend.”
I shook my head quickly. “No. He’s not like that at all. What should I do?”
“You want me to tell you what to do?”
“Well, I don’t know what to do. Is it okay that I don’t know what to do? What if he just wants to fool around and I end up wanting more? Or what if he wants more, and I don’t?” My questions tumbled out swiftly.
Laura nodded solemnly. “These are problems anyone venturing into the possibility of a relationship faces. Obviously, I don’t know what he wants. I don’t sense that you just want to fool around. That doesn’t fit with how you’ve been approaching life recently.”
I took a deep breath as anxiety started to tighten in my chest. I hated when Laura was right, and she so often turned out to be right. It was fucking annoying, really.
This, this feeling, it drove me crazy because it was so unlike me. “I hate not knowing what to do,” I finally said.
“I know. This feeling is something you’re going to have to come to peace with. Uncertainty is part of life, but you can learn to tolerate it. Back to this guy, if he’s a nice guy, and you felt comfortable enough to tell him about what’s happened in the last year for you, I’m going to guess that means you trust him, at least a little bit.”
I nodded. I did trust Ty. “He knew me when I was in college and hyper-focused on grades and a little wild, so I kind of felt like I needed to explain why it might seem like I was a little different and why I dropped out of law school.”
Laura nodded. “Why don’t you consider giving yourself a chance to see what happens? Part of that means you’re not going to know what might happen in advance.”
I blinked because I felt the tears stinging in my eyes. I wanted more than anything to feel like I was making the right choices in every corner of my life. And I really, really, didn’t like accepting uncertainty. Even worse, I’d left out something key when I told Ty what happened. The whole stolen car detail, which now felt enormous because of what happened to his sister. I didn’t even want to tell Laura, which meant I had to tell her.
“I left out something important when I told him what happened,” I blurted out.
Ever calm, Laura merely arched a brow.
I sighed. “I didn’t tell him I stole a car because I still can’t believe I did. It didn’t feel like a crime at the time. In the worst coincidence in the world, his sister was badly burned in a car accident when she was little, and the driver who caused the accident was driving a stolen car.”
My therapist leaned forward, her words soft and clear. “That’s a terrible coincidence, but there’s a good chance he’ll understand if you tell him the whole truth. If he doesn’t, there’s nothing you can do about it, but it’s not helpful for you to tie yourself in knots over this. You are not some horrible person. You made a mistake during a very difficult time in your life. Everyone screws up. Everyone.”
I swallowed, trying to breathe through the tightness in my throat and chest and trying to believe it might be okay with Ty if I told him everything.
“Just do me one favor,” Laura said gently.
“What?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay not to know, and it’s okay to let yourself have something good. I’m actually really proud of you for having sex.” She straightened her shoulders and nodded at this.
“You’re proud of me?”
“Yes. Especially if it was good. That means you let your guard down.”
“You know, you’re kind of crazy,” I said, laughing a little.
Laura chuckled. “No,
I’m not. Now, I think we need to meet again next week.”
I rolled my eyes, but I slipped my phone out of my purse and pulled up my work schedule. Because I knew she was right.
The following evening, I walked down to the bench by the river after work. I didn’t even try not to wish Ty would find me there.
17
Ty
My schedule was nuts for a run of several days when we had one, and then another bartender, end up with a stomach bug. It wouldn’t do to have staff spreading that crap around the restaurant, so I covered with an assist from Alec. He liked to stop in regularly as it was to check on things with the brewery.
This afternoon was the usual level of busy, and Alec had stopped by for a few hours and was about to leave. We were discussing the bar’s beer stock.
“Our selection of beers is—”
“Unparalleled,” Alec said with a grin.
I chuckled. Alec was fun to work with.
“All right, you think you’re all set now that Lily is here?” he asked.
“Should be all set. Thanks for carrying those kegs forward.”
“I help when I can,” Alec replied.
“Exactly why I’m glad I work here,” I said before turning away to take the drink order from one of the waitresses handling tables on the floor.
Aside from some passing glimpses of Belle, I didn’t have time to seek her out for a few days. Although, even a glimpse of her was a good thing. She was clearly in her element in the kitchen. She was always zipping around and getting excited when the food got rave reviews from customers.
I almost got myself in a little trouble that evening though. I was in the midst of checking on stock for the bar and passing through the kitchen when Belle called over. “Ty!”
