Heartwood

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Heartwood Page 17

by J. H. Croix

I figured I might as well face the music. On the heels of a deep breath, I walked out. My mother blinked at me. “Do you have a stomach bug?”

  “No,” I said flatly. “And, if you’re worried I was out partying, I wasn’t. I don’t have a hangover.”

  My mother trailed behind me as I walked down the hall and returned to the kitchen. I could practically hear her chewing on the insides of her cheeks to keep from bombarding me with polite questions. My parents tried awfully hard not to press me too much ever since my night in the hospital. I knew it had hurt them when I refused to let one of their legal friends help clean up my situation. For some reason, that detail had been very important to me. I needed to take care of things my way and on my terms. Since the attorney at the pro bono program had helped me, the program had subsequently gotten a generous donation from my parents. I’d only heard about that from May after the fact.

  Because I was feeling defensive and, frankly, drained, I decided to launch into that topic when we sat back down at the kitchen table. Blessedly, my father was at the office.

  “You know, Mom, you could’ve told me you donated that money to the legal program that helped me.”

  My mother cocked her head to the side. “Do you really want to argue about that now, Belle? It was a perfectly worthy donation, and it’s an excellent program.”

  Jesus. It was nearly impossible to stay angry at my mother because she was so freaking reasonable. “Well, I can’t argue with that,” I muttered.

  “Honey, what’s wrong? I’m trying not to be too concerned, but you showed up unexpectedly and you don’t seem well.”

  “Before you worry about this, I’m not having a manic episode.” I gestured vaguely in the air for no particular reason.

  “It doesn’t seem like that. Perhaps we haven’t mentioned it, but your father and I met with a therapist.”

  “You met with my therapist?” I squeaked.

  “Oh, no! Before you worry, our marriage is fine, but we felt like we needed to have a good understanding of what you went through and the details we missed. We also talked more with my sister. It’s been very helpful. Now, we understand that when you start buzzing like a little bee, that maybe we need to pay better attention.” I snorted at that description, and my mother cast me a quick smile. “You’re not buzzing like a bee. You weren’t last night when you got here, and you’re sick this morning. Would you like some ginger tea?”

  “That would be nice.” As soon as she suggested it, I knew that might help settle my stomach.

  My mother stood to set the kettle on the stove and fetch two mugs.

  “I’m pregnant,” I announced, lobbing that little news bomb into the silence.

  I heard my mother’s sharp intake of breath. To her credit, she didn’t turn around yet. She filled the kettle with water, set it on the stove and turned on the burner before getting out two teabags, ginger for me and English breakfast for her, because that was her favorite.

  When she sat back down, she had a pinched look that I knew well. She was silently freaking out inside and trying not to let it show.

  “It’s okay, you can totally freak out. I did,” I assured her.

  “Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting this. Is this morning sickness then? How long have you known?”

  “Two days. Based on my math, I should be about five weeks along.”

  I’d done some guesswork based on my last period and one of the times Ty and I waited until the very last second before he put a condom on. I was able to narrow it to a date because it was after a late night at work when we had an event at the restaurant. We’d both been wired from the rush of an insanely busy night and burned off that energy with each other. I was the one who straddled him and teased him by sliding over the underside of his cock. I didn’t think my mother needed all that detail though.

  My mother took a deep breath and let it out in a controlled sigh. “We’ll support you however you like. What do you plan to do?”

  It seemed like I should have a plan. I had no freaking plan. This wasn’t planned. The only thing I knew was a pretty big part of my heart, all but maybe one small corner, really wanted this baby. And yet, I was ashamed at how much I was panicking and worried that it was a disastrous decision for me to make.

  I traced my fingertip along the curved handle of my mug. I felt tears pricking at the backs of my eyes and blinked before finally lifting my gaze to meet my mother’s.

  “I think I want to keep the baby,” I said softly.

  I waited, bracing myself for her to tell me why this wasn’t a good decision. The last few years of my life were littered with the debris of my bad decisions. There was my bad relationship, which blessedly my parents didn’t know a whole lot about. It hadn’t been horrible, but it had felt like I was walking a balance beam, one day after another where I stumbled and my ex lashed out at me. Thank God he wanted nothing to do with me after my arrest and the inglorious pinnacle of my manic episode. That and me dropping out of law school, not even trying to stay in school when they had assured me there was a chance to work things out.

  I vividly remembered the look on my parents faces when they came to pick me up at the hospital. It was some combination of worried, concerned, horrified, and epically disappointed.

  My mother was quiet, her eyes soft as she regarded me from across the table. “If that’s what you want, that’s what you should do.”

  I was so startled, my mouth dropped open slightly. My mother’s lips curled in a rueful smile. “Were you expecting a lecture from me?”

  “Not a lecture, per se, but maybe a few reminders about how I haven’t made the best decisions in the last few years.”

  My mother’s smile faded and she leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. “Actually, I think you’ve made some really good decisions. You have faced challenges that most people don’t ever have to face. Maybe it didn’t play out the way you would’ve liked, but you found your path. If everything hadn’t happened the way it did, I think you would’ve gone into law and probably never quite found peace for yourself. I know you really love being a chef, and I’m so happy you found that.”

  I felt all choked up, a sudden rush of emotion cresting inside. I didn’t realize I’d actually started to cry until my mother handed me a napkin from the small stack they always kept on the kitchen table. After I wiped my tears, I curled the napkin in my hand and looked over at her. “You really think so? I thought I’d let you and Dad down.”

  My mother sighed, pressing her lips together. “You can’t let us down. We can be worried and concerned, and we can want what we think is best for you, but you’ll never let us down. I’m not going to lie and pretend we weren’t shocked and frightened when you got arrested and ended up in the hospital. I imagine you can understand that.”

  I’d gotten a hold of my tears and managed to laugh. “I was shocked and frightened, so yes, I can definitely understand,” I offered in between sniffles.

  “You always were the little girl who tried to please everyone. Whether we planted that seed or not, you wanted to please us and thought it would please us if you went into law. If that had been your passion, of course, we would’ve been thrilled. I don’t think it was. You’re so bright that it was easy for you to follow along that path. Some people might have struggled more, but you didn’t and you enjoyed school.”

  “Not chemistry, I hated chemistry,” I said.

  My mother chuckled. “And yet, you still got an A.”

  I sighed, twisting my lips to the side. “True.”

  “You’re very good at coming up with your own recipes for baking, which is a form of chemistry.”

  “Fine,” I muttered with a dry laugh. My laugh stopped suddenly. “But a baby? I wasn’t planning on a baby. Am I crazy to even consider having it?”

  “People have been having babies they didn’t plan on since the beginning of time,” my mother pointed out calmly. “I think you have to ask yourself what you want. It would be good to know what the father wants. You’
re fully capable of being a single mother, but it’s important to know. Are you comfortable telling me who the father is? Do you have a relationship with him?”

  Oh Jesus, now we were talking about relationships. Fuck my life.

  “I don’t know if he wants the baby. I don’t even know what our status is. We, uh, were taking a break. I might’ve told him about getting pregnant and then left in a rush.”

  “You might’ve?”

  “Okay, that’s what I did,” I fessed up. “I panicked. He seemed really shocked.”

  “Is he a good man?”

  I nodded quickly. “Absolutely.” I knew Ty was a good man down to my bones.

  “Perhaps you should talk to him again,” my mother pointed out the obvious. “What does he do?”

  “He’s a manager at Speakeasy.”

  “Ah, sort of an office romance,” my mother said, her lips quirking into a smile.

  “We actually knew each other in college. He played hockey at Burlington University.”

  “Were you romantically involved then? You didn’t exactly keep us up to speed on your relationships when you were in college.”

  My cheeks were hot. “Well, I didn’t get serious with anyone. He was a nice guy back then too.” That was all I was offering about that. I wasn’t about to get into my hot nights with Ty, not with my mother.

  “We’ll support whatever you do. You know that.”

  “How do you think Dad will react?”

  “He’ll be surprised, but he’ll be fine. We just want what’s best for you. I really hope this man is not like your last boyfriend,” my mother said, choosing her words carefully.

  “He’s not. I promise. Maybe I don’t know what he wants as far as dealing with a surprise pregnancy, but I know he’s a good man.”

  My mother took a swallow of her tea, angling her head to the side as she set her mug down. “Should we keep talking about this, or not?”

  “I just need time to think.”

  If only I knew what Ty was thinking. I couldn’t believe this had happened. There were surprises, and then there were things like this. No matter my decision, it was permanent.

  30

  Ty

  I tapped the play button on Belle’s message again:

  “Hey Ty, it’s Belle. I got your text. I’m at my parents’ house in Burlington. I just needed a few days. I know you said for me to let you know when I wanted to talk. I’m ready whenever you are. Obviously, this is a surprise for both of us. We have some things to figure out, but I don’t want to force anything on you. I’ll be back soon.”

  Her message ended, and I set my phone down on my kitchen counter, staring at it like it was a ticking time bomb. I needed her to come back to town so we could talk. It had been two full days since she dropped her news on me. I’d tried twice to call her, both times not leaving a message because I didn’t know what the hell to say.

  As I stared at the phone, it vibrated, a text banner showing on the screen. Glancing down, I saw it was from Griff. “Fuck,” I muttered. I was late. I promised him I’d meet him at Speakeasy early to help with something in the brewing area.

  I typed out a reply.

  Sorry, running late. On the way.

  As I was leaving, I caught sight of the stray kitten dashing from the side of the barn toward the shed. I was already late, but I couldn’t leave without making sure to put out food. Jogging back upstairs, I returned with a small plastic bowl of canned food. I rinsed and filled a bowl of water under the spigot outside the barn entrance. Yep, that’s how ridiculous I was getting over this kitten. I’d even gone to the store to get some food. I left the bowls in the usual spot under the edge of the shed.

  Dust kicked up behind my truck as I sped down the gravel driveway. A short while later, I came to a jerking stop in the parking lot and jogged into Speakeasy. It was early, early enough that the only people here were Phoebe puttering in the kitchen, the new events coordinator Rosalie, and Griffin and Audrey.

  When I entered the brewing room, Audrey was standing with hands on hips watching as Griffin fiddled with something. “Sorry I’m late,” I called as I crossed the room.

  Audrey cast me a warm smile over her shoulder as I approached. “Good morning. Griffin’s only a little grumpy that you’re late. He wouldn’t have even needed you if I had longer arms.” She held out her arms, as if in demonstration of this fact.

  “Well, I guess it’s always good to feel needed,” I replied lightly.

  Griffin straightened and patted two kegs. “I just wanna get these on the shelf over there.” He pointed to the corner.

  “Let’s do it.”

  After we got the kegs moved, Griffin immediately moved along to check on something on one of the brewing tanks.

  “Do you know when Belle will be back?” Audrey asked.

  Tension gathered in my shoulders instantly. I wanted to know exactly when Belle would be back, and I needed to talk to her. Yet, I had no idea beyond her message that she’d be back soon. That left a lot of wiggle room. “I’m not sure,” I replied, striving to keep my tone nonchalant.

  “Is that why you’re so distracted?” Griffin interjected.

  “Come again?” I glanced to him.

  “Dude, you were late this morning, and you’re never late. You also spaced that meeting yesterday. Is there a problem?”

  Audrey looked at me, her gaze unabashedly curious.

  I stuffed my hands in my pockets, rolling my head side to side to ease the tension bundling in my neck. “Nope, no problem.”

  “In case you missed the memo, your secret’s not so secret anymore,” Audrey offered.

  I bit back a groan. Meanwhile, Griffin gave me a sort of glowering look.

  “I don’t give a damn if you and her have a thing going,” Griffin added. “However, I do give a damn if it interferes with work. We’re not far past the other side of getting this place off to a good start. We need you focused and on point.”

  “Geez,” Audrey interjected. “If Ty’s a little distracted because he’s in love with Belle, I’m sure it’ll pass.”

  I practically choked. “What?” I sputtered.

  Audrey gave me an understanding look, like I was a little slow. “It’s obvious to me.” With that she patted me on my arm, as if to comfort me. She then pinned her gaze on her husband. “Just because he missed one meeting doesn’t mean he’s distracted. Plus, not everyone’s a morning person like you, farmer boy.”

  That elicited a chuckle from Griff, and she slipped her hand in the crook of his elbow. Just when I thought I was in the clear, Audrey glanced over once more. “Get your head on straight, or you’re going to lose an awesome woman.”

  She waved over her shoulder while they walked out. I remained frozen in the center of the room for no particular reason other than the fact that I couldn’t think straight. The mere suggestion I could lose Belle had panic clenching a cold fist around my heart.

  Later that morning, I ran into Dave Beringer, at the grocery store of all fucking places. His cart was filled to overflowing, and I glanced down, asking, “Feeding a team?”

  He laughed. “Yes, my family. How’s it hanging?”

  “Fine.” When I glanced back up after grabbing a box of pasta and putting it in my basket, I ran into his gaze, sharp and assessing. “What?” I asked.

  “Nothing,” Dave replied blandly.

  Next thing I knew, I asked him a ridiculous question. “What do you think of being a father?”

  Dave’s lips twitched, just a little. “Zara mentioned Belle had a surprise. I’m guessing she told you about it based on your question.”

  I nodded. “I have no fucking idea what to do.”

  Dave nodded, his gaze sympathetic. “By the time I found out I had a kid, Nicole was already a toddler. I completely panicked. Once I got used to the idea, having a kid is the best thing that ever happened for me. I like it so much that we have two now.” He chuckled, before sobering quickly. “Trust me, I didn’t plan on being a father.
My childhood wasn’t exactly great. Maybe you’re shocked, but you’re a decent guy. Parenting is way harder than hockey, but you learn on the fly, and that’s not so bad. The effort definitely counts.” He glanced down at his watch. “I gotta bolt. I need to be back to the house in time so Zara can get to work. Catch you later.” He patted me on the shoulder. “Call me if you need anything.”

  I was left in the aisle at the grocery store, staring at his retreating back. I returned to work, grateful I could at least stay busy.

  When I rolled down my driveway that night, it was late. Not because I technically had to work late. But I missed Belle, and it was Friday.

  Even though Lily was handling the bar with help from RD at Speakeasy, and they hadn’t needed me, there was always something to do. I’d holed up in the office and plowed through organizing our upcoming orders for the month. Griffin wanted me to be on point, so it only made sense to stay this late. It had nothing to do with missing Belle, or that’s what I told myself.

  Of course, staying late had turned out to be a mistake. A customer had dropped a glass, and I’d gone to help clean up since the bar was so busy. In the midst of it, I’d managed to get a nasty gash on my hand. Then, I’d had to clean the blood up and head to the closest walk-in clinic to get stitches. I hadn’t been in the mood to deal with anyone coming with me and somehow the whole mess had me missing Belle even more. Everything did.

  I carefully flexed my hand. The bandage was along the pad of my thumb, and the pain was reduced to a dull ache.

  My mind spun back to Griffin’s comments. Much as I hated to admit it, I knew he was right. I had spaced on that meeting because I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was all up in my own head over Belle. I couldn’t really wrap my brain around the fact that she was pregnant.

  Oddly, although I could admit to some panic about it, there was a part of me that liked the idea. Oh, for sure, I was terrified of being a parent. But I liked the idea of being committed to Belle and making a life with her. Hell, I’d already fallen so hard for her. There was no sense in avoiding that. I’d never forgotten those nights with her before simply because they were so good.

 

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