by Livia Day
‘Nothing wrong with a corset. If a fellow can find his way under one of those, then you know he’s really interested.’ I gave him a sly look. ‘I quite enjoyed His Highland Fling.’
Stewart winced. ‘Please dinnae read tha’ one.’
‘Too late,’ I sang.
‘I wrote tha’ before I knew fer certain Highland romances are the worst of all cultural crimes against my people. Also, I hadnae got the technique doown.’
‘Oh, your cross-dressing Scottish countess had all kinds of techniques. It didn’t help me with my quest, though.’
‘So yer no’ just pawin’g through Diana Glass’s backlist to torment me?’
‘Of course not,’ I said, offended that he thought I’d go to so much trouble over him.
After all, I was in love with someone else. Completely and utterly headlong over someone who was not Stewart McTavish.
He looked uncomfortable for a moment, steeling himself for what he was going to say next. ‘So—’
‘So what?’ I was curious. He was usually so laidback he practically hovered off the ground. Anything that made him this awkward had to be interesting.
‘Well, ye know.’
‘I really don’t.’
Was I pregnant, dying, about to embark on my own career of writing bodice rippers? What on earth was he trying to say?
‘Yer no’ sleuthing again, are ye?’ Stewart blurted out.
I tried to hold back my physical reaction by staying very still. My effort was noticeable, to Stewart at least. ‘Sorry!’ he said.
‘No, I’m—’
‘I shouldnae—’
‘I’m fine.’ I snapped it out harder than I should have. I needed to be over this. I couldn’t be melting down when a friend so much as mentioned…
Here’s the thing. A month ago, I almost died. It happened because I thought that solving murder mysteries was a super fun game, when in fact the whole thing had been set up by a creepy stalker who knew—well, far too much about creepiness and stalkering, among other nasty talents.
This girl detective was very nearly girl in a body bag.
So no, I was not sleuthing again. And it would be really, really helpful if everyone in my life believed that.
I took a deep breath and started over. ‘It’s for a tea,’ I told Stewart. ‘High tea. I’m hosting a Regency-themed high tea for a fancy book launch next week, and I was looking for ideas. That’s all. And your books are completely useless for Regency baked goods, by the way. They’re all carriage chases and petticoats and some really quite amazing oral sex.’
Stewart’s ears went red. Why yes, I did embarrass him in order to make him forget about the other thing. That’s how I roll.
My name is Tabitha Darling and I am a riot at dinner parties.
‘Really,’ I went on. ‘The level of sexy detail was very impressive. I didn’t know they even knew about the clitoris in the late 1890s.’
‘I can recommend some authors,’ he said firmly, refusing to blush any harder. He swallowed his tea, one gulp at a time. ‘Ye might be better off with some o’ the classics. Georgette Heyer or Austen…’
‘I’m on to Beatrice Wilde now,’ I said, cutting him off. ‘Her lovers aren’t nearly as good in bed as yours, but their table manners are impeccable and I’ve written down at least twelve different kinds of cake.’ I waved Devastated By The Duke at him. ‘If you let me get to the end of the last chapter I might find out some more about authentic period sandwich fillings.’
Stewart squashed his face up into a thoroughly unpleasant expression. ‘I wouldnae bother about her books. She’s a right cow.’
I was startled at his vehemence. Stewart was as much of a gossip as me—one of the reasons we’d become friends so fast. But I rarely heard him say anything genuinely mean. ‘What on earth did she do to you?’ I said in surprise.
Stewart had an implacable look on his face now, and was completely ignoring his mug of tea. Apparently it couldn’t compete with his deep and devoted love affair with coffee. He peered at the stack of books I had piled up around me on the café counter. ‘Ye’ve a lot o’ her titles here, Tabitha.’
‘I didn’t realise it was such a faux pas. Are all you romance authors like this? Terribly jealous of each other? Do you duel at dawn with laptops? Is this a gang war?’
‘Fourteen,’ he said, counting the titles. ‘Why d’ye hae fourteen Beatrice Wilde books, Tabitha? They look brand new: overboard fer one high tea, even by yer standards.’
‘They were free,’ I said defensively. ‘Why do you care?’
Stewart turned towards me then, and I saw how genuinely furious he was. He was practically vibrating.
Maybe it was the Regency romances I had been uploading into my brain all morning, but I had the urge to say something like ‘la, sir,’ and hit him with my fan. If I had a fan.
Hitting him with Devastated By the Duke probably would not have the same effect.
‘Tabitha,’ he said ominously. ‘Whose book launch are ye hosting wi’ this Regency high tea?’
He had figured it out already, and I had figured out that he had figured it out, and he was standing very, very close to me. I really shouldn’t be so turned on right now.
Damn my problematic attraction to cranky men.
‘You don’t have to be invited if you don’t want to,’ I said, trying desperately not to think about the time he kissed me, right here, over the café counter. We never, ever talked about the kiss.
‘Och,’ Stewart said, biting out the words like I had wounded him. ‘If Beatrice Wilde is gonnae be here, ye can bet I will be, too.’
He marched straight out the front door, leaving the bell jangling in his wake.
Free Readers’ Library
I occasionally mail out a newsletter updating my readers on my news, forthcoming titles, sales, giveaways and other freebies.
If you’re interested in staying up to date with all things Livia Day and the Café La Femme series, sign up to my mailing list and I’ll also send you these freebies:
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•A copy of A TRIFLE DEAD, Book 1 in the Café La Femme series
•A copy of the novella set in between books 1 and 2 in the Café La Femme series, THE BLACKMAIL BLEND
•A sneak peek at the first chapter of Book 3 - forthcoming in 2016!
•Readers’ Library exclusive extra Tasmanian trifle recipe
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You can get [all these] for free by signing up at http://eepurl.com/bFH60L
About the Author
Livia Day is a stylish, murder-obsessed fashionista who lives inside the head of someone else entirely. Tansy Rayner Roberts is a mother, a blogger, a podcaster, and a Hugo-award winning critic. Together they WRITE CRIME. And sometimes they invent ice cream recipes. Livia is the author of the Café La Femme series of cozy mystery novels, including A Trifle Dead and new release Drowned Vanilla. Warning: reading these books will make you crave dessert.
You can find her online at
@liviadaysleuth
Livia Day
www.liviaday.com
tabithadarlingsbedroomfloor.tumblr.com
Also by Livia Day
Have you read all the books in the Café La Femme series yet?
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A TRIFLE DEAD: Book 1, Café La Femme
Tabitha Darling has always had a dab hand for pastry and a knack for getting into trouble. Which was fine when she was a tearaway teen, but not so useful now she’s trying to run a hipster urban cafe, invent the perfect trendy dessert, and stop feeding the many (oh so unfashionable) policemen in her life.
When a dead muso is found in the flat upstairs, Tabitha does her best (honestly) not to interfere with the investigation, despite the cute Scottish blogger who keeps angling for her help. Her superpower is gossip, not solving murder mysteries, and those are totally not the same thing, right?
But as that strange death turns into a string of random crimes across the city of Hobart, Tabitha can’t shake the unse
ttling feeling that maybe, for once, it really is ALL ABOUT HER.
And maybe she’s figured out the deadly truth a trifle late…
Includes recipes to make your own trifles.
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THE BLACKMAIL BLEND: Café La Femme mini mystery, set between Book 1 and Book 2
Cake, not murder. Cake hardly ever gets you killed...
Tabitha can quit solving murder mysteries any time she likes - and right now, she's far more interested in her catering job for Queen Beattie's high tea. Beatrice Wilde is a famous and beloved romance novelist, who nurtures new writers with tea, sympathy and career advice. She's also obnoxious, demanding, and a hot contender for 'Client Most Likely To Be Murdered By Cake Fork.'
Queen Beattie's high tea sets off a murderous chain of events involving poison, blackmail, revenge ... and a special blend of mayhem. Once again, Tabitha is right in the centre of the chaos, and the only way out is to solve the crime - even if that means losing one of the very confusing and attractive men in her life.
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Six romance writers
Five secrets
Four poison pen letters
Three stolen manuscripts
Two undercover journalists
One over-complicated love life
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Way too many teacups and tiny sandwiches...
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DROWNED VANILLA: Book 2, Café La Femme
It’s the beginning of a hot, hot summer in Hobart. Tabitha Darling is in love with the wrong man, and determined to perfect the art of ice cream. Playing amateur detective again is definitely not on the cards—not even when her friends try to lure her into an arty film noir project in the historical town of Flynn.
But when a young woman goes missing from a house full of live webcams, and is found drowned in the lake outside Flynn, Tabitha is dragged into the whole mess— film crew, murder victim, love life and all.
There were two girls using the internet pseudonym French Vanilla, and only one is dead. So where is the other one? Why is everyone suddenly behaving like they’re in a (quite specific) Raymond Chandler novel? And how the hell did the best kiss of Tabitha’s life end up on YouTube?
Even ice cream isn’t going to get them out of this one.
Acknowledgments
My dad introduced me to crime fiction, to so many authors and characters who are still among my favourites: Robert B Parker’s Spenser, Sara Paretsky’s VI Warshawski, and Dick Francis’ Kit Fielding, among others. It is a great joy to me that later, as an adult, I have introduced him to some new favourites I discovered myself, such as Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum, and Kerry Greenwood’s Phryne Fisher and Corinna Chapman.
Surely the whole point of having children is so they can grow up to recommend awesome books to you? And maybe write a couple…
My friend Isabel continued my crime fiction education, and still occasionally throws books (and detectives) at my head to this day. Someday I hope to see her awesome murder mystery series on the shelves alongside mine.
A Trifle Dead began many, many years ago. I wrote a version that is almost entirely different (only the names remain the same) back in college for a writing class (we were only supposed to write 5000 words, I wrote a novel) and then I wrote it again, the following year, with a plot that showed how much I still had to learn about murder mysteries.
With the financial assistance of Arts Tasmania, for which I am very grateful, I wrote the book a third time, from scratch, and it started to look a lot closer to the one you are holding in your hands right now.
Thanks go to Ron Serdiuk, who attempted to give this book a home some years ago, and to Diane Waters and Angela Slatter, for their editorial work on the manuscript.
A billion thanks to Alisa Krasnostein, who gave the book its last (and lasting) title as well as bringing it to publication. If publishers were muses, she would be mine. Thanks also to her team at Twelfth Planet, especially the magnificent Amanda Rainey, who makes us all look good, even when there are bloodstains in the trifle.
Three cheers for the writers of the recipes and those who took part in the Great Trifle Test Kitchen, eating quantities of custard that were above and beyond the call of duty. Your sacrifice was not in vain.
As always, I am grateful for my family that keeps me sane and forgives me for being cranky and distracted when it’s proofreading time.
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Livia Day
Hobart, Tasmania
First published in Australia in March 2013
by Deadlines
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www.twelfthplanetpress.com
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© 2013 Livia Day
Design and layout by Amanda Rainey
eBook layout by Charles A. Tan
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All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the “above publisher of this book.
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National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry
Author: Day, Livia.
Title: A trifle dead [electronic resource]: a cafe la femme novel / by Livie Day; editor, Helen Merrick and managing editor, Terri Sellen.
ISBN: 9781922101006 (eBook)
Other Authors/Contributors: Merrick, Helen. Sellen, Terri.
Dewey Number: A823.4
ISBN: 978-1-922101-00-6
