by Mj Fields
“How’s that?”
“If you no longer have the time for something you love, maybe someone else can love it better.” She leaned against me. “Ava, Harper, is going to be okay. She has that Rock Star boy and you. She will hurt but she’ll be okay.”
“I can’t imagine losing you.”
“You won’t baby girl. Not yet anyway.”
“Why didn’t Collin wait for the police? Why didn’t he…”
“I would have done the same for you. I would have risked my life to save you without a second thought. No way in hell could anyone have stopped me from trying to protect what I loved. I admire him so much for what he did. He’s a damn good man.”
“Maybe I should give her Bingo.”
We sat there silently for a long time.
“You wanna go out to lunch with your Daddy, Ava girl?”
“No. Maybe we can order in.” She leaned over and started going through the pile.
We were actually having a good time looking through all the boxes. She was finally smiling and asking a bunch of questions. Ava decided I should keep all of the junk but maybe in digital form.
She took pictures of everything and we were going to download them and put them on a disk. Clear out the clutter, I had said. Organize the memories, she smiled.
“Grandma K kept all of this stuff?” She laughed when she held up the blanket of all the t-shirts made into a quilt.
“Kept well huh?” I didn’t want to tell her my mother didn’t keep shit. I did. And I didn’t want to tell her the quilt was a graduation present from my first love, Tessa Ross.
“This is so cool.” She stood and flung open the quilt and sat on it. “Give me that bin.”
Ava was tearing through all the bins and having a great time. She kept my pile of ball caps, all the white ones, and football jersey’s.
She opened another bin and grabbed the photo album, one of all my senior year highlights, another thing Tessa had given me.
She smiled when she saw Tommy and me shirtless in front of my pool.
“Damn Dad, you were hot stuff.”
“Yeah, some things don’t change huh?” I laughed.
“Oh my God! Is that Luke’s Dad?”
“Sure is. Tommy, my best bud from as far back as I could remember.”
“So Jade was doing him then?”
“Ava,” I warned.
“Okay are you gonna keep trying to convince me the stork is real too?”
“Hell yes I am.” We both laughed.
“Luke looks just like him.”
“Luke is a spitting image of his father.”
She turned the pages until she came to the obituary. Tommy had died in a car accident our senior year in high school not knowing that his girlfriend, Jade, was pregnant.
“Does it still hurt Daddy?” I nodded. “How did you get through all of that?”
“Leaned on friends.”
“Tessa?”
Holy shit. This was awkward, almost as bad as the sex talk with Logan, that I’m pretty sure was a little late.
“I also found out Jade was pregnant then. Hell she didn’t even know.”
“How did you feel when she and Ryan hooked up?”
“Well they didn’t just hook up Ava, they got married. He stepped up to the plate and took care of both her and Luke. Loved them so much. Ryan is a damn good man, father, husband, and friend.”
“Jade says you did too.”
“I did what Tommy would have done for me.”
“Do you miss him Daddy?”
“Every single day.” It was true. You don’t just forget about someone who meant so much to you, regardless of time or change.
“What did you do right after you lost him? What do you remember the most that got you through it?”
Shit, got to love this question. I looked at her and I’m sure she saw the wheels turning.
“I want to know what to do for Harper.”
“Gotcha. Be there when she needs you Ava. That’s it, that’s all anyone can do.”
“Okay.”
I lugged up three totes full of papers and was about to go into the garage when I looked out the window and decided if I let that stuff sit I’d probably be dragging it back in the house.
Hard to let go of the Glory Days.
“Hey Ava?”
“Yeah Daddy?” She walked up the stairs with a bin.
“How about we order pizza and have a bonfire tonight?”
“In the snow?”
“Yeah. In the snow.”
“Sounds good Dad. Can we invite the neighbors?”
“Sure, if they feel up to it.”
Chapter Three
Snow fire
Ava and I had gone to the store and grabbed some trays of food and drinks to add to the pizza party we had planned.
When she invited Jade, she decided she should extend the invitation to more of the Ross family. As much as I knew Ashley was going to have a problem with it, I knew it was the right thing to do.
Alex and Phoebe Ross and their boys showed up. Their son Liam was in the same grade as Ava and Harper. They were thick as thieves as kids. Good kid. I liked him.
“I can’t believe you’re burning all this stuff,” Jade laughed.
“We took pictures huh Dad?” Ava nudged me.
“Sure did. Besides it’s all up in here.” I tapped my head.
“To the glory days,” Ryan lifted his beer and we all toasted the good old days.
“Oh, the glory days! I have an idea,” Ava clapped and ran into the house.
When Ava was safely in the house I walked up to Alex and handed him a beer. “How’s Tessa doing?”
“Well, she’s Tessa. Anytime things are bad she pulls strength from some hidden place and tries to make it easier for everyone else.”
“Her heart.” I took a drink and looked at Alex who was staring at me. “That’s the hidden place.”
Jade and Phoebe looked at me the same damn way. “I think anyway.”
“Yeah I think so too,” Phoebe looked at Alex who was still staring at me, stone faced.
“You okay Alex?”
“No. Not one bit. She can’t go through this shit. How long before it breaks into pieces, that all the Kings’ horses and all the Kings’ men just can’t put her heart back together again.”
“I know.” I looked down until I heard Jade and Phoebe trying there damndest not to laugh.
“It’s not fucking funny Jade.” Alex snapped.
“Alex, I laughed too.” Phoebe wrapped her arm around his waist and he tensed.
“You’re my wife. I can’t yell at you.”
“But you can yell at mine?” Ryan laughed.
“Yeah, she was my cousin first.”
I just kept looking down because I knew if I looked up I’d laugh too. And I couldn’t do that to Alex. He felt her pain too, every bit of it since I could remember. He respected her need to be strong so badly that he put up with it all exactly the way she would want him to. That man was such a mix of his father John and his sister Tessa.
I felt his eyes boring into me and looked over at him.
“I wanna help. Whatever you need Alex. I wanna help.”
Alex let out a sigh and walked away.
I started to walk towards him and Phoebe stopped me. “He just needs a minute.”
“No he needs a punching bag Phoebe and I’m his man.”
I walked up to him and stood silently by waiting for him to go off on me.
When he didn’t say anything I did, “Alex. I was being very sincere when I said…”
“I know damn it Lucas. But right now I am so fucking pissed at the world. Everything that’s ever hurt her is resurfacing.”
“By that you mean me.”
“Fuck yes I mean you! How the fuck does she deserve to be beat down emotionally by you all those years ago and then when she finally finds someone to love her the way she deserves, he fucking dies! How the fuck is that right Lucas?”
“It’s not right Alex.”
“And she still fucking loves your ass like she does everyone around her! She doesn’t deserve this. Collin didn’t deserve this. Harper, oh my God, what she has been through, I have no clue how the fuck she’ll ever be normal again. And I stand here drinking a fucking beer trying to douse the inferno burning inside me when all I wanna do is kick your ass in hopes that it makes the fire die down just for a little while.”
“Then do it.” I stood back, “Give it your best shot. I deserve it. Fucking hit me!”
Alex stood veins popping in his neck. “Dumb thing to say to a pissed off man Links!”
“Dumb thing not to do when offered Ross.”
He turned around and then turned back and stormed at me. I was ready for twenty plus years of big brother restraint to be released all over my face.
He reached out and grabbed me by the collar. “I’m not a dumb man!”
“No you aren’t. You’re a damn good man Alex.”
He began to shake and he let go and turned away. I let him stand there for a moment in silence. I wanted him to hit me, but I knew it wasn’t who he was.
“I’ll give you a minute.” I started to walk past him and he put his hand out to stop me.
“You’re a good man too Lucas. You were just a kid then. Didn’t know any better and we just let her try to figure it out by herself.”
“You were a kid too Alex.”
“I just don’t know what the fuck to do.”
I stood beside him and waited for him to say what he wanted to and when he didn’t I couldn’t shut my fucking mouth. “Fight for her. Give her time to show everyone how fucking tough she is and then fight for her so she knows she is worth fighting for.”
He looked over at me and then at the ground and nodded.
I looked back at Jade, Ryan, and Phoebe, all standing by the fire. Then heard the surround sound in the back yard start blasting Eye of the Tiger.
Alex looked over at me and we both laughed.
“You ready to head back? They’re all watching us expecting a throw down.”
“The kids?”
“All of them were inside apparently trying to get this party started.”
We walked back together as Ava ran out the door smiling, “Hey Dad, you’ve got some rockin’ mixed tapes.”
Jade and Phoebe laughed, so did I.
“CD’s Ava. I’m not that old.” She ran up to me and kissed my cheek. “I know Daddy. I spent an hour coming up with a playlist, wait till you hear it.”
“I can hardly wait.”
We all stood around listening to music and I about shit my pants when Down with the Sickness blasted.
“Thank God we don’t have normal neighbors huh Jade?” Ava laughed.
“Angry monkey song?” Alex nodded to me.
“Yeah.” I couldn’t help but smile remembering the first time I saw Tessa dancing around in the farm house kitchen to this song.
Ava looked at me, “This is terrible.”
We all laughed, “Good music to get you pumped up before a big game.”
“Yeah either that or drive you nuts. I’m gonna fix this garbage.” Ava ran into the house to change the music.
We were all planning what to do tomorrow. None of us wanted Tessa to come home and feel the need to go overboard. Like that would stop her.
The music changed and Lit blasted through the speakers, My Own Worst Enemy.
I laughed and Ryan stood up and grabbed more beers.
He started singing and Ava ran out. He grabbed her, started dancing with her, and she was laughing. God I loved my kid.
“Come on Links,” Ryan yelled.
I grabbed Jade and Phoebe and sang, “I didn’t mean to call you that, I can’t remember what was said or what you threw at me.”
In seconds Phoebe had Alex up and we were all acting like kids again.
“Please tell me, please tell me, why, the car is in the damn tree.” I began. “And I’m seeing sets of boobies. Streaking through the farm yard, last night and your gone, gone.”
Phoebe smacked me and Alex and Jade laughed, the chorus repeated and we all sang my rendition of the song referring to a very memorable night over twenty years.
When the song stopped another one started.
“Oh hell yeah.” Jade laughed. “Take a look at me, tell me do you like what you see, do you think you can, do you think you can.”
“I sure can beautiful girl,” Ryan grabbed her.
“What the hell is this?” Liam laughed as he walked over.
“Back stage underage, adolescent. How ya doin? Fine, she replied, I like to do the wild thing. Action took place. Kinda wet. Don’t forget. The J, the A, the D, the E, Yo I need a body bag.”
“Aunt Jade!” Liam gasped.
“You wanna dance Liam?” Ava laughed.
“No he doesn’t,” I grabbed her.
“You gonna dance with me to this song Dad, kind of gross isn’t it?” Ava laughed.
When the song ended I cringed when I heard Crazy Bitch blast, but I couldn’t help but remember when Tessa played it to me. Jade laughed.
“Ava why don’t you change this?” I asked.
“Hey you’re a crazy bitch…” She started to sing.
“Ava now!” I yelled.
“Fine Dad,” she laughed and went inside.
“She acts like someone I know.” Alex laughed.
“I wonder who that is,” Jade laughed.
Alex said Jade, and I said Tessa, at the same time. All eyes turned to me. I don’t know what the hell possessed me to say that out loud. I had thought it for years but never dared say it out loud.
“When she was younger,” I said breaking the silence. “Anyone else want a beer?”
The song Just Like a Pill blew through the air and Ryan started laughing. I handed him a beer, “Shut the fuck up Ryan.”
“Pink?” Phoebe laughed.
“She’s bad ass,” I handed Alex a beer and sat down.
Ava bounded out the door, “This next one was the same year you and Mom got together.”
I just smiled and nodded. Heaven by Warrant started and I sat back, thought about what a little bitch I was then. I blamed her for every bit of the pain I felt then. Every fuck up was because she didn’t love me enough. What I didn’t realize then was that I was the one who didn’t know just how to be loved until I lost her.
Chapter 4
Home
Things became real cold in the Links household when the winds blew Ashley home. I was sure she had been banging el Senator and she was so angry that I was sure the kids could tell.
When Ava told her that we had been at Tessa’s house she tried to act like she cared. But it was obvious that she didn’t. She was short with all three of us. Logan and Ava exchanged looks, both confused. Their confusion caused me such pain. So I stepped it up. Logan and I played Xbox and went over what schools he was interested in. Ava hung with us and tried to act as if she was interested but I knew her mind was going in two different directions. One was wondering what was going on with her mom and I and the other was Harper. I hated them living in this environment.
When they went to bed that night Ashley had already been there for two hours. I walked in and she was sitting on the bed chewing her nails. I walked past her and into the closet to grab a pair of shorts and threw them on and walked back out.
“We need to talk.”
“I’m tired; we can talk in the morning.”
“No, no we can’t Lucas. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“You don’t have a choice. If I can handle this shit so can you.” I laid down and felt my blood boiling. She can’t live like this. She can’t fucking live like this? I sprung up and looked at her, “You fucking did this. You’re still doing it. You tore this whole fucking thing to shreds Ashley. I trusted you. I. Trusted. You! I can’t even look at you, the last straw was Christmas, and I heard you tell him you loved him. You are up here chatting it up with your lover a
nd not with your family? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I beat my chest. “Do you know how that feels Ashley? Do you!”
“You never could see,” she stopped and took a deep breath and then a horrific sound escaped her mouth and she covered it. Tears began to spill and she stood up and started to walk towards the bathroom.
I grabbed her by the shoulders and held her there. I had never seen her cry. Not about me and I just stood there looking at her. My wife, the only woman in the world I hadn’t cheated on, the one I promised forever to, not in just words, I lived that promise to her every day.
“Please let go of me,” she began to shake and I looked into her eyes and shook my head no.
“Why could I not be enough for you?” I felt tears well and I fought like hell to stop them from coming.
“Why was I never enough for you?”
I let go of her and turned around. I felt that pissed off kid creeping back in. The one who was never enough for anyone. Whose daddy chose every woman over him. The one whose mom chose the bottle and pipe. Who grew up too damn fast because there was no other choice and was too stupid to see that he was loved by a girl and threw it away. And then picked a woman who he thought wanted the same things in life. He’s a stupid fuck.
“You were Ash.” I grabbed my pillow and headed out the door.
“Wait. Lucas wait.” I looked back at her and she was a fucking wreck. “Can we fix this, can I…I loved you and you crushed me. I loved you and you went and said she should’ve stayed with you.”
I walked back to her. “Ashley? Why now?”
“Because it hurts so much. It hurts to know I was right and you’re going to end up with her.”
“Her husband just died Ash, my friend…our friend. I will always care about her and her family. You knew this when we got back together.”
“We were never together in the first place Lucas.”
I scowled at her, that was bullshit, “Well to me we were, you were always different to me. There you go Ash, more hurtful shit.”
