by Mj Fields
“Oh shit I’m sorry…”
“I was joking.” I laughed.
“Pain in the ass.”
“Yeah I know.” I walked to the sink and washed my hands. “Hey Lucas?”
“What’s up?” He asked as he continued cracking eggs.
“I’m glad you’re here. Your friendship means a lot to me I hope you know that.”
“Of course I know that.” He tried to joke.
“Can you be my friend Lucas?”
“I can be whatever you need me to be.” I watched his eyes as he looked down at the eggs.
“I need you to be my friend.”
He nodded. “Then that’s what you’ll have.”
“Even if that’s all…”
“Tessa. I get it okay.” He looked up and smiled. “This is hard…”
“It may not ever get easier.” I whispered.
“I’m here as your friend. I shouldn’t have pushed…”
“No I’m sure I did a lot of the pushing,” I laughed trying to ease the sadness that shown in his face.
“Yeah well I was there too.” He let out a long slow breath. “I’m your friend. Always regardless okay?”
“Thank you.”
We were silent for awhile.
“Okay let’s get the troops fed.” Lucas laughed an awkward laugh.
We were making breakfast and people were in and out grabbing eggs, toast, bacon, fruit, and orange juice that Lucas decided should be fresh squeezed.
Harper walked in and asked for another tray and another round of toast.
“You should bring in the other. I don’t think we have …”
Lucas stood up with one in his hands and Harper laughed. “How do you know where things are and she doesn’t?”
“I’ve been around a long time.” He laughed as he buttered the toast.
“What would we do without you?” Harper giggled as she took the tray.
I stood at the frying pan thinking about what I had just done. I had betrayed my love for Collin by sleeping with Lucas. And I had ruined a twenty year friendship. Nothing would ever be the same. Not ever again.
I felt tears running down my face and I turned the stove off.
“Be right back,” I said and started to turn to the bathroom.
Lucas was in my way and saw my tears. He grabbed my shoulders and stopped me. “Tessa.”
“No, no don’t.” It was too late, he was already hugging me.
“You’ll be alright.”
“I have ruined everything. I ruined our friendship and betrayed my love for Collin.” I whispered through my tears. “I don’t deserve…”
He pulled back and looked at me. “I did this to you and I am so sorry.”
“You didn’t. I was hurting you were hurting, it was supposed to be …”
“We fucked Tessa.”
“Lucas…”
“That’s it. Bad call on our part. We’re still friends. We move past it. Got it?”
I nodded and he wiped my tears.
“Now go get yourself together girl. People are waiting.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Never.” He winked and gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head. “Go.”
Chapter 20
Two months later
I sat in my office staring at the computer screen. Something I had done every day since I last saw Tessa fall apart.
The day everyone celebrated Collin’s life had been a long one. I watched Tessa smile and laugh and then would see her struggling when she thought no one was looking. When she caught me the first three times she rolled her eyes and kind of laughed it off. The next few times she seemed irritated when I noticed. After that I stopped looking at her. I just couldn’t bring myself to cause her any more pain.
Later Tessa, Jade, my kids, Tessa’s kids, Luke, Maddox, London, and that Zach fuck sat around the fire on the beach. I had just cleaned up bottles and cans and was doing my best to avoid watching her. I walked down to the lighthouse and sat on the rocks. I wasn’t gone long when Tessa snuck up behind me. She sat down and handed me a bottle of water. She knew I hadn’t been drinking because I was driving back to the hotel. I thanked her and she asked what I was doing out here by myself. I still couldn’t look at her. And God knows I couldn’t lie to her so I simply said thinking of all the good times here.
She huffed and I looked at her. “Funny place to sit.”
“Why’s that?”
“You came here trying to get me to come back to you.”
“Oh yeah, I hadn’t thought of that.”
She nudged me. “Sure you hadn’t.”
“No really I was thinking about the years our families got together.”
She didn’t say anything for a long time.
“You okay?”
“Stop, just stop.”
“Okay?”
“You know you were. You were sitting here thinking that if I had gone back with you Collin wouldn’t be dead, Ashley wouldn’t have left you and that’s bullshit Lucas!”
She started to stand and I grabbed her. “Hold up okay?”
“Get your hand off me.” She growled.
“Baby it’s been a rough…”
“Don’t call me that ever again…”
“I apologize; I just hate to see you like this.”
She laughed a supercilious laugh, “Then leave, because seeing you makes me sick. Knowing that three months after my husband died, I betrayed him with you of all people.” She stopped.
The surprise on her face must have mimicked mine. She covered her mouth and I stood slowly. She was real close to the edge and I was afraid she may fall.
“Okay I’m stepping back. Can you please just step this way? You’re awfully close…”
“I’m not stupid.” She snapped.
“I know that Tessa. Why don’t you walk with me back to your house? I’ll get Logan and Ava and we can head out.”
“Ava is staying here with Harper and Logan is more than welcome to stay as well.”
I was looking at a Tessa that I had only seen a few times, one that was lashing out because she couldn’t hold on. I turned to walk away hoping she would follow.
“So what are you gonna do? Go tell them I’m being a bitch and you have to leave?”
“I wouldn’t do that Tessa.”
“Of course not because you’re perfect now.”
Fuck! “No I’m not. Please go on ahead of me. I don’t want anyone to say anything to upset you further.”
“Fuck you!” She snapped and she stomped by me.
If no one had been there I would have grabbed her up, held her kicking and screaming and not let go. She would have cried but it would not have ended there.
Logan and I went home the next morning. We left early with the excuse that we needed to get started on sprucing up the place for his graduation party in a couple weeks. No one seemed to be any the wiser so I was happy that she could now breathe easier without me there.
Jade never mentioned it and neither did I.
Over the next few days Logan and I worked our asses off building a kick ass outdoor fire pit. One that was a permanent fixture replacing the gas grill. Ava was in picture mode. She was going to make a video. She also painted the dining room, kitchen, and my office. She said she was giving it a manlier look since it was a bachelor pad now.
The kids had been pushing me to date and I had been pushing them to let it be.
Logan’s party was an event. Ava out did herself. And Logan was completely surprised she had done what she did. Ashley showed up, with Robertson, and I was very well behaved. Logan avoided them and Ava plastered a fake smile on her face, playing the hostess role very well. Jade was there, of course, and so was Phoebe, both snatching beverages and keys from kids who shouldn’t be drinking. And I was making sure that Logan and I thanked every person who came.
The Hines family was already there and I saw Maddox and Harper walking up carrying food. I almost didn’t notice Tessa juggling a
gift and a big aluminum tray full of chicken shit. Yes chicken shit was a real dish and one of my favorites that she made for me and anyone else when they were going through rough times or celebrating. It was cubed chicken breast mixed with stuffing, sour cream, and cream of chicken soup. She also added vegetables. It looked just like chicken shit but tasted like heaven.
She smiled an apologetic smile and I did the same. She was staying close to Alex and Brody. Ava was hanging out with her too. I noticed Ashley looking upset and I looked in the direction she was looking in. Ava had a giant screen set out in the backyard that showed pictures of Logan through different stages of his life. Many of course were with me. Not because she was a total fuck up as a mother, but because moms are usually the ones taking the pictures. As the years progressed it was obvious that Ava spent a lot of time with Tessa. Many photos showed her tormenting Logan and in the background was Tessa laughing at my kids. Many I must admit had me laughing at Tessa laughing at them and Collin with a smirk in the distance watching.
I looked over at Tessa and she smiled. I smiled back and walked over and thanked her for coming.
“I wouldn’t miss it.” She took a drink of her wine and pointed at the screen. “Our families spent a lot of time together over the last twenty plus years.”
I nodded and forced myself to look away. She understood that I wasn’t being an ass at the lighthouse. She just admitted it. I wasn’t going to press my luck so I looked up at the screen.
“Check it out Dad! Our trip to Mexico.” Logan walked up and patted me on the back.
The picture was of him surrounded by girls his age and Ava’s caption was ‘Chip off…’ and the next screen showed me dancing between two chicks and her caption was, ‘The old block…’
Logan laughed, “Nice!” And held his hand up and Ava slapped it.
I looked up at Jade and rolled my eyes thinking nothing of it. Then looked at Ash who was smirking in my direction. I thought she was loosening up. But then I noticed her look was geared a little to the left. I looked and saw Tessa’s shocked expression as she stared at the ground.
Ashley came over and said they had a long drive ahead of them and gave fake smiles and hugs to everyone, except Tessa. Bitch!
“Two minutes alone Ashley.” I grabbed her by the elbow and Robertson stepped closer.
Not wanting to cause a scene I let go. “Maybe next time.”
Somehow Tessa and I were left alone for a minute. “Hey look, that was nothing…”
“We’re friends Lucas.”
“No we were more than that then and…”
“Please don’t.” The plea in her voice and the tears welling in her eyes stopped me, briefly.
“I won’t but that was nothing, I promise. Just the kids trying to…” I stopped when she walked away.
Fuck!
She wasn’t there much longer and she kept her distance.
My Dad, step mom, and sisters showed up right after she left.
Later I talked to Jade and asked that she make sure Tessa knew the fucking truth.
I got drunk once since I saw her last and called her phone. He answered, I know it was him, and I hung up. Fuck him for taking advantage of her at a weak time in her life.
Whoever Just Jared is, I’d like him to stick his all too informative website where the sun don’t shine, cause I was sick of the comments about Burning Souls front man’s love interest.
I kept busy with the kids. We spent a lot of time at a rented house in Jersey on the beach. My sisters came to visit a lot and it kind of drove me crazy when they looked at me like they felt sorry for me.
Logan, Ava, and I went camping up in Old Forge, New York, the same place Tessa and I went the summer before college. I was very pleased Logan didn’t ask me if his girlfriend could come. I knew he wasn’t that into her and I was grateful for that. If I had done anything right in my life it was being the best father I knew how to be.
When we came home it was only two days before we moved Logan to school. I had one hell of a time when Ava left for school and thought it was because she was a girl, but it was just as hard with Logan. He was my bud. And I was gonna have to do something, get a new dog, take up golf, anything to keep myself busy.
“What the fuck!” I heard Logan yell and walked into my office where he sat in front of the computer.
“Mouth Logan,” I half scolded, half laughed.
“Sorry.”
I walked around to see what had made him so upset.
“What’s this?” I pulled up a chair and sat down next to him.
“Who the hell would allow their fifteen year old daughter to be at a party after a rock concert with a bunch of…. rockstars!” Logan pointed to the screen.
I looked at him and laughed, “Maybe rockstars?”
“Not funny Dad. Look at how he’s looking at her. See,” He pointed to a guy London was smiling at who did appear to be staring at her chest.
“Emma and Brody…”
“Are her fucking parents and should be protecting her from that shit. She’s fifteen Dad!”
Ava ran into the room, “What the hell is going on?”
“Logan has a crush on London…”
“I do not!”
Ava and I laughed. “I think so too Daddy. He loves to talk to her like she’s a child to piss her off.”
“She is a child Ava,” Logan snapped at her.
“With boobs,” Ava snorted and I laughed.
“You two are sick!” Logan got up and stormed out of the room.
Ava sat in his chair and laughed. “Let’s see if we can find Harper on here. I bet she’s gotten big.”
She flipped through some pictures and then stopped on one of Zach Taylor holding Tessa’s face kissing her forehead as she held his wrists and smiled.
Her smile was one I noticed. It was joy, pure joy and happiness.
“Awe, she looks happy.”
I slammed my fist down on the table and Ava jumped.
“Dad?”
I stood up and kissed her head and walked out the door. I threw on my shoes and walked across the lawn. Jade and Ryan were in the hot tub when I stormed in through the gate.
“Is she fucking him?”
“Lucas what are you…” Jade began.
“Don’t fucking lie to me God damn it Jade! Is Tessa fucking Zach Taylor?”
“Of course not. That’s…”
“Fucking save it!”
I turned around and Ava was standing there and she looked terrified. “Dad?”
My chest burned again and I held my hand to it. “Ava, please don’t. Not now.”
God it hurt.
I walked home and up the stairs and sat on my bed. I laid down and the room spun.
When I woke up, Ava was sitting on my bed crying.
I sat up and looked at her and she hugged me.
“You fell asleep. I thought…”
I hugged her back. “I’m fine.”
“You love her. You love Tessa Abraham.”
I couldn’t tell her I didn’t.
“You have to tell her Daddy.”
“Ava, Tessa needs to heal. I’m not going to…”
“Then I will! You were so upset. I’ve never seen you that upset. You fell asleep. I thought you were…”
“You can’t tell her. You can’t mention it. I promise I am fine. I don’t want Logan to know. Oh God, where is Logan?”
“In his room. He’s feeling sorry for himself too. You men in my life drive me crazy you know…”
“We will both be fine. You will be fine.”
“I can’t go back to school now. Logan will be gone and you’ll be alone.”
“I have a ton of work. I’ll be busy. Ava, everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.”
“I’m moving home.”
“When you can Ava.” I smiled at her, “Promise me that you will when you can. Maybe get an internship here?”
“If you promise to get out and start living again Dad.”
<
br /> “I’ve had an amazing summer with my kids. That’s living Ava. The best kind of living.”
~
Ava and I spent some time with Logan at South Campus before I took her to the airport. She was going back to school for half a semester. She promised she would find something here when she could and I made her promise she would enjoy this part of her life and stop worrying about her old man.
On my way home from the airport I stopped and grabbed Johnny, Jack, and Jim. I intended on getting through this with my old friends.
When I got into the house I set the bag down.
I pulled out Johnny Walker and sat him on the island; next I pulled out Jim Beam, and last, but not least, was my old friend Jack Daniels. This was now a bachelor pad and I was gonna have a fucking party.
I poured a shot of each and drank them down. Then I poured another and another. I looked out the window and saw a vehicle pulling in next door at Jade and Ryan’s. I thought I was seeing things so I squinted and then laughed.
I walked outside and yelled. “Welcome home Baby!”
She stopped and looked at me and crossed her arms in front of her. I walked toward her and she straightened herself up nice and tall.
“How’s Zach?” Was the first thing I asked.
“He’s good. How were the girls in Mexico?” She raised her eyebrows.
“Not sure Tessa because I didn’t fuck them! Because I trusted you would come to your senses. Because I thought if you couldn’t handle me you wouldn’t be handling anyone else!”
“Well Lucas when we last talked we were friends.”
“When I called you at three o’clock in the morning and he answered your fucking phone I figured you weren’t banging the band boy Tessa.”
“You’re such an ass.”
“Are we pregnant? Did you get your period?”
“Oh wow, you have certainly had enough to drink Lucas, haven’t you?”
“Not even close to enough.”
“Lucas you need to…”
“Don’t you worry your gorgeous little self over it Tessa.”
“I’ve been healing!” She yelled. ”There is nothing that ever prepares you for the devastation you feel when you lose someone. When that someone is part of you, when they are your morning, daytime, and night, it is senseless to even try. When each intake of breath burns because it’s not shared with them, you just don’t want to breathe anymore. When you look in the mirror and you don’t see them standing beside you every day, smiling at you because they felt exactly the same way about you as you do them, you no longer want to look in the mirror. Nothing tastes good. Every smile is forged for someone else; every laugh hurts when you don’t hear theirs echo yours. It’s crippling. Collin was more than my friend, my lover, my husband; he was truly part of me. Zach helped me realize that Lucas. He helped me realize! And with his help I could grieve for the first time in seven months since he left. I know now he wasn’t taken, he gave his life to save our Harper.” I didn’t respond. “But that doesn’t matter to you does it!”
