by Kevin Brooks
And then, all of a sudden, I’m not floating on the ceiling any more, I’m in the corner of the room … I’m what Ratty and Curtis are looking at. Me … and William … we’re both in the corner of the room … in bed. We’re lying in bed together, and the bed is made of sacking, and we’re surrounded by guns … and we’re naked … and everyone is looking at us … and there are empty bottles and ashtrays all over the place … and in the middle of the room a long-dead apple tree has been doused in petrol and set alight … and our clothes are spread out around the smouldering tree, drying slowly in the crackling heat … and everyone is looking at us …
I nudge William …
Wake up.
Whuh …? he mumbles, rubbing his face. What’s that …?
Wake up.
He looks at me, his eyes all bloodshot and bleary …
And then someone, somewhere, says, Oops.
And suddenly I’m back on the ceiling again, looking down at everything, and now there’s a bomb on the table … a big, black, cartoon-style bomb. Like a cannonball, with a fuse sticking out of it …
And the fuse is burning …
And someone, somewhere, says, Oh, shit …
And then …
KA-BOOM!
I woke up in William’s arms, shaking uncontrollably and gasping for breath.
‘It’s all right, Lili,’ he said softly. ‘It’s all right, it was just a bad dream … you’re all right now. Everything’s OK …’
My heart was pounding, I couldn’t get any air into my lungs.
‘It’s OK,’ William continued, holding me. ‘Just take your time … breathe slowly … that’s it. Nice and easy …’
I took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
‘And again,’ William said.
I breathed in and out again.
‘All right?’
I nodded. ‘Yeah … thanks.’
I looked around. The fire had gone out, and the room was bathed in a pale morning light. The skies were clear, the rain had stopped, and birds were singing in the trees outside.
I looked at my watch.
It was just gone seven o’clock.
William smiled at me. ‘Do you always wake up like that?’
‘No,’ I said, yawning. ‘It only seems to happen when I spend the night in a rat-infested cemetery.’
We cleaned ourselves up as well as we could – washing with rainwater, drying ourselves with sacking – and then we got dressed, said goodbye to the chapel, and headed off to get something to eat.
We were both absolutely starving, and when we got to the Greek café in Stoke Newington – which was not only open at that time in the morning, but surprisingly busy too – we both ordered the biggest breakfast on the menu. Fried eggs, sausages, bacon, fried tomatoes, fried bread, mushrooms, and plenty of toast … and big mugs of steaming black coffee.
It was the best meal I’d ever eaten.
We didn’t talk to each other while we were eating, we basically just sat there shovelling it all down, and it wasn’t until our plates were empty, and William was mopping up the last few greasy crumbs with a piece of cold toast, that I finally broached the subject that had been niggling away at me ever since last night.
‘William?’ I said quietly.
‘Mmm?’
‘About this thing, you know … with the men from Derry?’
He glanced quickly around, then turned back at me. ‘Keep your voice down, OK?’
‘Yeah, OK,’ I said, moving closer to him and lowering my voice. ‘Is this all right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘OK … well, the thing is …’ I sighed. ‘I just don’t like it, that’s all.’
‘Neither do I.’
‘So why don’t you just leave it alone?’
He shook his head. ‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
He looked at me. ‘You know why not, Lili. I mean, we’ve already been through all this –’
‘Yeah, I know, but –’
‘Nothing’s changed.’
‘But these men … I mean, they’re bad, aren’t they? They’re not nice people –’
‘They’re soldiers, Lili. They’re not supposed to be nice.’
‘I know –’
‘Look,’ he said, taking my hand. ‘It’ll be all right, trust me. I know what I’m doing. My guess is that they’re probably planning some kind of statement attack, you know … just bombing a building or something, either when it’s empty or with enough prior warning to give everyone time to get out … in which case, no one’s going to get hurt.’ He shrugged. ‘And, besides, most of these things never come to anything anyway.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘These kinds of operations, especially the ones over here … the vast majority of them don’t get any further than the planning stage. Things are always going wrong – logistical problems, problems with money, with personnel, munitions, information … people make mistakes, the police hear rumours, MI5 starts poking around …’ William smiled. ‘Whatever these three are planning, the chances of them actually carrying it out are virtually nil.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah, really.’
‘But there’s still a chance, isn’t there?’
‘Yeah, of course, there’s always a chance.’
I looked into his eyes. ‘And there’s nothing I can do to change your mind, is there?’
He didn’t answer me, he just looked back at me with those bright hazel eyes … so clear and radiant, so full of life …
‘Come here,’ I said quietly, reaching for his face with a napkin. ‘You’ve got ketchup all over your mouth.’
It was only a short bus ride from Stoke Newington to Dalston, and from there we took an overground train back to Hampstead. I told William that he didn’t have to come all the way with me, that I’d be perfectly OK on my own, but he insisted. And when we got to Hampstead Heath station, and he offered to walk me back home, I suddenly remembered the night of the Valentine’s Ball … when we’d all been hanging around London Bridge tube station, and I’d been really pissed off with Curtis, and I’d found myself thinking about going home on the tube with William, and I’d imagined him offering to walk me back home from the station …
And now, here we were …
Making it real.
I smiled at him.
‘What?’ he said.
‘Nothing …’
He frowned at me. ‘Is everything all right?’
‘Everything’s perfect.’
And it was. For about five minutes, everything was perfect. It was a beautiful day – fresh and bright, with a fine drift of mist in the air – and although I was really tired, it wasn’t a draining kind of tiredness, but more the kind that makes you feel sort of floaty and light-headed, almost as if you’re intoxicated. And as we walked together along the leafy Hampstead streets, I seemed to be seeing everything in a brand-new light. The houses, the trees, the roads, the views … nothing had changed, it was all exactly the same, but somehow it all seemed very different. It was clearer, brighter … with more definition, and more depth. I could see all the little details of everything – the bricks of the houses, the leaves of the trees, the lines and curves of the roads …
It was a good feeling.
A perfect feeling.
It only started to feel a little less perfect as we turned into my street and headed down towards my house, and I began to wonder what we’d do when we got there. Would William want to come in? Should I ask him if he wanted to come in? Did I want him to come in? What kind of state would Mum be in?
‘It’s all right,’ William said, touching my arm. ‘There’s no need to worry about anything.’
I looked at him. ‘Who’s worrying about anything?’
He smiled. ‘You are.’
‘I’m not –’
/> ‘Yeah, you are. You’re chewing your lip … you always chew your lip when you’re worrying about something.’
‘Do I?’
‘Yep.’
I smiled at him. ‘You think you’re pretty smart, don’t you?’
‘Yep.’
We carried on walking.
He said, ‘I’ll just come with you to your front door, if that’s OK. I mean, I’d like to come in and meet your mum, and I will … but just not today. Is that all right?’
I smiled. ‘Perfect.’
‘Right. So which of these fancy houses is yours?’
‘That one,’ I said, pointing down the road. ‘The one with the tower.’
He paused, a look of surprise on his face. ‘You live in that?’
‘Yeah …’
‘What the hell is it?’ he said, grinning at me. ‘Is it a castle?’
‘No, of course not –’
‘I mean, Jesus … that’s huge.’
‘It’s not that big.’
He shook his head, still grinning. ‘It looks like something out of a horror film.’
When I didn’t reply, he thought for a moment that he’d offended me.
‘Sorry, Lili,’ he said. ‘I’m only joking. I didn’t mean –’
‘Is that Chief’s van?’ I said, staring at a familiar-looking Transit that was parked outside my house.
William studied the white van. ‘It looks a bit like it …’
‘It looks a lot like it,’ I said.
As we both started walking again, heading slowly towards the van, everything was suddenly a long way from perfect. It was definitely Chief’s van, there was no question about it. I recognized the dent in the back door, and the broken tail-light, and the KEEP MUSIC LIVE sticker that Curtis had altered to say KEEP MUSIC EVIL … and as I saw the passenger door swing open, all I could do was hope and pray that it was Stan getting out of the van, or maybe Jake … but I knew in my heart that it wasn’t.
I knew that it was Curtis, even before I saw him.
I just knew.
I stopped with William beside the van, and we both just stood there and watched as Curtis stepped out and turned towards us.
31
I was expecting Curtis to be angry, of course – seeing me with William, the two of us strolling back home together, first thing in the morning – and the fact that he didn’t have any right to be angry with me any more … well, that was neitherhere nor there. And there was no doubt that he was angry. The way he looked at me, then William … the disdain in his eyes, the hurt, the bitterness, the sense of betrayal … it was all there.
But, surprisingly, he not only seemed to have it all under control, he also seemed to have more on his mind than just how he felt about William and me. Which was kind of confusing, to say the least.
‘Hey, Curtis,’ I heard William say.
Curtis gave him a cursory nod, then turned back to me. ‘All right?’ he said.
My first instinct was to say, ‘It’s not what you think, Curtis.’ But, of course, it pretty much was what he thought. So, instead, I said to him, ‘What are you doing here, Curtis? What’s going on?’
He glanced at William again, then looked back at me, half-smiling. ‘This is really awkward, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, it is a bit.’
He came over to where we were standing, took out a packet of cigarettes, and offered one to William.
‘Thanks,’ William said.
Curtis lit one for himself. ‘OK,’ he said blowing out smoke. ‘Here’s the thing … it’s about the Polydor deal, you know … the one that we all thought we’d blown by not playing on Sunday night?’ He glanced at William again. William said nothing. ‘Yeah, well,’ Curtis went on, ‘it turns out that the guy from Polydor who makes all the final decisions, a guy called Chris, he was supposed to be coming to the gig on Sunday, but one of his kids was ill or something, so he couldn’t make it. I mean, he knows we didn’t play … and, just so you know, Jake told him that you both had food poisoning …’ Curtis looked at William again. ‘OK?’
William just shrugged.
‘Anyway,’ Curtis continued. ‘Jake had a meeting with Chris yesterday … and, basically, they still want to sign us.’
‘Really?’ I said.
‘Yeah …’ Curtis was smiling now. ‘They’ve drawn up the contracts and everything … I mean, it’s all there, just waiting for us …’
‘What – so it’s definite then?’ I said.
‘Yeah, yeah,’ he said, unable to contain his excitement now. ‘They want us to sign today –
‘Today?’
‘Yeah, today. That’s why we’re here … I mean, I tried ringing you, but no one knew where you were …’ His smile faded a little. ‘So, you know … what do you think?’
‘Well … it’s a bit sudden –’
‘Yeah, I know … Jake thinks they’re probably rushing it through to make sure that no one else signs us up first. There’s a new independent company called Stiff who’ve been showing a lot of interest, and A&M are still sniffing around –’
‘How much are Polydor offering?’ William said.
Curtis didn’t say anything for a moment, he just stood there, staring coldly at William, as if to say – what the fuck has it got to do with you? But William didn’t care what Curtis thought. He just stood there, staring back at him, calmly waiting for him to answer the question.
‘It’s a two-year deal,’ Curtis said, pointedly talking to me, not William. ‘They’re offering a £40,000 non-returnable advance against royalties. We get half of it on signing and the other half in a year’s time.’
‘And how’s that going to be split?’ William said.
‘The same as it’s always been split,’ Curtis said, reluctantly turning to William. ‘We all get equal shares.’
‘Including Jake?’
Curtis nodded. ‘Is that a problem?’
‘No.’
‘What about Chief?’ I asked. ‘Does he still get his ten per cent?’
‘Well, no … I mean, he’ll still get paid when he works for us, but he won’t get a share of the royalties or anything.’
‘What about the music?’ William started to say. ‘I mean, who gets –?’
‘Look, why don’t you ask Jake, OK?’ Curtis said impatiently. ‘He’s in the van, he knows all the details … you can talk to him on the way.’
‘On the way to where?’
‘To fucking Polydor … where do you think?’
I said, ‘Are we going right now?’
He looked at me. ‘The sooner we go, the sooner we’ll get the £20,000.’
I looked at William, remembering all the stuff that we’d talked about – Curtis’s dream, fame and adoration, music, the band … and whether or not I’d miss it, now that it was probably all over …
William smiled at me, shrugging one shoulder, and I knew that he knew what I was thinking about.
I smiled quietly at him, then turned back to Curtis. ‘I need to get cleaned up a bit and tell Mum what’s going on before we go, OK?’
He nodded, his eyes cold. ‘Don’t be long.’
I found out later that while I was in the house, Curtis took William to one side and had a few words with him. In short, he told him that if he ever missed another gig, or even just another rehearsal, he’d be kicked out of the band straight away.
‘No matter what,’ he’d added. ‘Do you understand?’
‘Yeah,’ William said, looking him in the eyes. ‘I understand.’
‘Good … and whatever’s going on between you and Lili –’
‘That’s between me and Lili,’ William said. ‘Do you understand?’
Curtis glared at him. ‘Fuck you, Billy.’
William just smiled.
And when I came out of the house, Curtis was waiting for me at the front gate, and it turned o
ut that he wanted a few quiet words with me too.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea just now,’ I told him, glancing at the van to see where William was. I could see Jake and Chief in the front, but there was no sign of William, so I guessed he’d got in the back.
‘I just want to make sure that we’re both OK with this before we sign the deal,’ Curtis said to me. ‘I mean, are we going to be OK, you know … you and me, in the band –?’
‘Can I ask you something?’ I said.
‘What?’
‘When did you find out that the deal was definitely on?’
‘Yesterday …’
‘Monday?’
‘Yeah.’
‘When on Monday? What time?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Was it before or after you fucked Charlie Brown?’
‘Look,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘That was nothing, OK? I mean, honestly, it was just … I was completely wrecked, Lili, I didn’t have a clue what I was doing … and anyway, I thought, you know … after Sunday night … you and Billy –’
‘Nothing happened on Sunday night, OK? I told you that –’
‘What about last night then?’
I just stared at him.
He said, ‘Yeah, I thought so …’
I shook my head. ‘It wasn’t like that.’
‘Like what?’
I sighed. ‘I can’t do this now, Curtis. I really can’t.’
‘You shouldn’t have started it then, should you?’
‘I didn’t …’ I started to say, and then I realized that he was right – I had started it – and I really wished that I hadn’t. ‘All right,’ I said wearily. ‘You’re right, I’m sorry … let’s just leave it, OK?’
‘Listen, Lili,’ Curtis said quietly. ‘If you really don’t think we can carry on in the band together, or if you’re just not sure about it at the moment … well, we don’t have to sign right now. I think it’s better if we do, just in case Polydor start having second thoughts, but I don’t want to force you into doing something you’re not sure about.’
