“Wait a minute.” I put my hands on my hips as I stared at him. “Listen, Jake, you’ve been doing an amazing job of looking after me and Zara, but you need to realize that I can get my own drink of water.”
“What?” He blinked. “Of course I know you can.”
“I’m not as fragile as you think.” I crossed my arms.
“Oh, I don’t think that. What you just did—you just gave me the most amazing gift. You had to go through all of the pain, you had to take all the risk. I didn’t have to do any of that. Now I just want to make sure that you don’t have to lift a finger during your recovery. Is that so wrong?”
“No, it’s not.” I wrapped my arms around him and smiled against his chest. “You are so wonderful. I love that you want to take care of me, I just want you to remember that I’m capable of caring for myself.”
“I know you are.”
“Then why are you hiding something from me?” I frowned as I looked into his eyes. “That’s not okay with me.”
“I’m sorry. I guess I shouldn’t be. I just didn’t want you to even think about it.”
“Well now I am, so spill it.” I crossed my arms.
“You know I took time off for Blu’s wedding and then I was going to be off until after the baby came. I had someone else taking over this business trip that was scheduled for during that time. Remember?”
“Yes, I do. You would have left yesterday.”
“Well, it turns out that that person is sick and now there’s no one going to the meeting. My boss said he would just reschedule it. So it’s no problem. I didn’t want to tell you because this is a special time and I don’t want anything to change that.”
“Oh, Jake, I’m so sorry. I know how much you hate to cause any problems for your boss. You love your job. I remember how excited you were when you landed that meeting. It’s a big one. You should go.”
“It is—and I do—but I love being here with you and Zara more.” He touched my cheeks as he studied me. “There’s no way I’m going to leave you two alone.”
“But we’re not alone.” I pushed down a bolt of fear. No, I didn’t want Jake to go, but I also knew that he would be upset if he lost his job or was penalized for not going on the trip. “I’ve got Zoe here with me, and Callie. Your trip is only for a few days. You’ll be back in time to drive us home.”
“No way. Hanna, I can’t leave you. What if something happens with Zara?”
“She’s perfectly healthy. You heard the doctor say so. Yes, I think it would be great if we could spend the week bonding together, but you’ll have plenty of time to bond when you get back. If you really want to stay, Jake, I’m all for it, but I know you. I know you don’t want to put any deals you worked so hard on at risk. You’ll be miserable.”
“You’re right.” He sighed. “I’m already wound up about it. But it feels wrong to go.”
“You don’t need to worry about us. We’ll be fine.” I slipped my hand in his and gave it a squeeze. “Go do what you need to do and we’ll be right here when you get back.”
“Are you sure?” He searched my eyes. “I don’t want to make a mistake here.”
“You aren’t. I love you, honey. I know how important your job is. If I thought I couldn’t handle this, I would tell you. Zara and I will have lots of good time together and I’m sure Zoe and Callie will step in if I need anything. So please, just go on your trip. You won’t be gone long. We can video chat any time you’re available.”
“Hanna, you’re amazing.” He kissed me, then took a step back and looked at me. “And so beautiful.”
As he hurried off to pack his things his words lingered in my mind. There it was. That word again.
Beautiful?
My body felt anything but beautiful. I had some extra weight from the pregnancy, but there were other ways my body had changed too. It didn’t feel the same to me and I doubted it would look the same to Jake.
He claimed he wouldn’t care. He’d been so supportive throughout the whole pregnancy and even during labor when I had to get into some unflattering positions. But how would he really feel when he saw my body again?
Would he be able to look at it? Would he be attracted to me?
The truth was, I was a little relieved that he’d be gone for a few days so that I could get my thoughts straightened out. And then, just like that, the thought of being solely responsible for Zara sparked a quick fear inside of me.
Without Jake there to reassure me, would I really be okay?
Chapter 8
I watched as the taxi pulled away from the curb. Zara whimpered in my arms.
In that instant, all my confidence faded. What was I thinking? I should have begged him to stay. I had no idea what to do with a newborn. I patted her back softly as she squirmed and started to cry. I felt like crying right along with her.
Nothing had gone as I’d planned. I’d never expected to have her early. I never thought I’d be stuck in New York with a daunting journey ahead of me. But there I was and I knew only one of us could be crying.
I kissed the top of her head and bounced her a little as I walked back into the building. When I pressed the button for the elevator, I noticed a cluster of men a few feet away from me—also waiting for the elevator.
Zara squirmed and cried a little louder.
“Sh, sweetie, it’s okay.” I swayed my hips in an attempt to calm her. Maybe I swayed too much, because her whimpers turned into all-out wails as the elevator doors opened.
I winced as I stepped onto the elevator. Her cries bouncing off the walls seemed even louder.
I hoped the men might wait for the next elevator, but instead they all got on with me.
I was horrified as the elevator doors slid shut. I hummed, patted Zara’s back and bounced.
She screamed.
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled and I felt myself blush.
What kind of mother couldn’t calm her baby down? I’d guess that the men would be irritated by the screeching.
“No need.” One of the men smiled at me. “Have you tried the bounce and weave?”
“The bounce and weave?” I stared at him.
“Sure, you do like two quick bounces and then you kind of move your hips like this.” He swirled his hips and his shoulders. “It worked with my son.”
“No, you’re doing it wrong.” The man beside him shook his head. “You have to do one bounce, then a sway, then two more bounces and then the weave.” He demonstrated how to do it as Zara continued to scream.
I had to hold back my laughter as I watched these men in their business attire argue over what the proper way to soothe a baby was. I’d assumed they’d have no patience for a crying baby, but the truth was, they’d had their own to contend with.
“Don’t listen to these fools.” The third man rolled his eyes. “All you have to do is find her beat.”
“Her beat?”
“Garrison, you don’t even have a kid.” The first man rolled his eyes.
“I have nephews and nieces.” Garrison smirked, then looked back at me. “May I?” He placed his hand above Zara’s back.
“I guess.”
With Zara’s cries ringing in my ears I wasn’t about to turn down any help.
“Alright, little princess.” He smiled as he patted her lightly on the back. He started out very slowly, then increased the pace of his light pats. Then he added in a few quick pats and a few slow pats. Finally, he did three pats, one quick pat, and a light rub.
Instantly, Zara quieted down.
“How did you do that?” I stared at him as my mouth hung open.
“Every baby has a rhythm, you just have to find it. Now you know hers. If you rock her, sway her, bounce her—use that same beat. She’ll love it.” He winked at me as the elevator doors slid open. “Don’t worry, Mama, you’ve got this.”
As the three men stepped off the elevator I was stunned by how helpful and insightful they’d been.
“Thank you!” I waved to them as the
elevator doors slid closed again.
Zara began to cry. I tried out the method that Garrison had taught me, and sure enough, she settled right down.
By the time I stepped off the elevator, she was sound asleep. At least she was—until Zoe bounded up to both of us.
“There you are!”
“Sh!” My eyes widened as Zara squirmed.
“Sorry.” She winced. “I didn’t realize you’d gone down to see Jake off. I got a little worried when I couldn’t find you.” She sighed as she looked at Zara. “She’s so beautiful.”
“I just hope she stays asleep for a little while. I’ll admit I’m a bit nervous about doing this by myself.”
“You’re not going to be by yourself. I’ll be here with you. Why don’t you let me hold her? I made you a sandwich and there’s fresh lemon water in the fridge. You need to eat.”
“Oh wow, Zoe, thanks so much.” I smiled as I carefully handed her Zara. “I’m starving.”
“I’m sure you are. Go grab your food. We’ll settle in here.” She carried Zara over to one of the luxurious recliners in the sunken living room.
I smiled to myself as I walked into the kitchen.
“Hanna, are you hungry?” Callie met me in the kitchen as she entered from the other hallway. “I’ve got some wedding cake stashed.”
“Oh, yum.” I moaned. “But I don’t think I should have any. Zoe made me a sandwich.” I poured some lemon water into a glass.
“So, have the sandwich and some cake. You need your strength.” She brought out the platter.
“No, I shouldn’t.” I tried not to drool as I stared at the slice of cake she’d put on a plate.
“Honey, this is not the time to deny yourself anything. Your body is recovering and you deserve a treat. Why don’t you want it?”
“It’s just that I need to focus on losing weight.” I brushed my hand across my still protruding stomach and winced. “It’s like I never even gave birth.”
Chapter 9
“Are you serious right now?” Callie stared hard into my eyes.
“Yes. Why?” I stared back.
“Hanna, your body just produced a miracle. Do you even get that? You grew another life inside of you. You gave birth to your daughter, a beautiful wild new life that is going to change everything about you and Jake. Your body did that.” She smiled as she patted my stomach. “This beautiful body did that.”
“Oh, stop.” I sighed as I pushed her hand away. “Look, I get it. Having a baby is beautiful and wonderful. I do believe that. I guess I just didn’t expect such a big change. I worked so hard to lose weight before I was pregnant and now I feel like all that work was wasted.”
“Honey, you haven’t even given yourself a week to recover yet. Your body hasn’t changed, it’s still changing. You have to let it get back to normal before you can start picking on it.” She raised an eyebrow. “Maybe even treat it with a little gratitude, by feeding it some cake.” She laughed.
“Oh, right, that’s going to make it better.” I laughed as well, then my stomach growled. “Okay, maybe just a little.”
“That’s better.” She smiled as she handed over the plate. “This should be a time of pampering, Hanna—giving your body the time it needs to heal, but also soothing yourself mentally and emotionally. Your journey to this point wasn’t easy, but now you’re here and you can savor it. Little Zara is going to grow up seeing herself the way you see yourself. Don’t lose sight of that.”
Those words left me unsettled.
I pictured Zara gazing at her reflection in the mirror and thinking the same things about her body as I did about mine. The thought made my chest ache with grief. I hoped that would never happen.
But maybe Callie was right. If I couldn’t be confident or loving to my body, then how could I ever teach my daughter to be?
When I returned to the living room, Zara was nestled comfortably in Zoe’s arms.
“You’re so good with her.” I sat down beside her and took a bite of my sandwich.
“I love babies that aren’t mine.” She laughed.
“Aw, don’t you ever want to have one of your own?” I watched her as Zara yawned.
“I don’t know, honestly. I used to think probably not, but now that I’m with Trent, the thought has come up more often.” She kissed the top of Zara’s head. “Then meeting this beautiful little one—well, it’s hard to resist.”
“Even when she screams in the middle of the night?”
“Oh, I don’t hear any of that.” She grinned as she rocked Zara in her arms. “But even if I did, I wouldn’t mind. She’s so precious.”
“I know she is, but sometimes the screaming really gets to me. I really don’t have the hang of this yet.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll come.”
“I hope so.” I finished my sandwich, then took Zara from Zoe to feed her. It was still awkward to get her into position and happy before she started crying.
“I’ll get you some water. Do you want to watch something?” She gestured to the television.
“No, I’m okay. Thanks, Zoe.” I closed my eyes, then opened them again as I felt a tug toward sleep. “Okay, miss, we have to find a way for Mommy to get some sleep. Hm?” I tickled her tiny feet.
“Oh, we’re going to do more than that.” Callie stepped into the living room with a wide smile. “We’re going to make sure Mommy is pampered. So as soon as Zara is asleep, I have Jamie coming over to give you a massage. It’s hard to get good sleep when your body is tight and sore.”
“Callie, you’ve already done so much, I really can’t accept anything more.” I shifted Zara in my arms and looked up at her. “Really.”
“Nope, sorry, I insist. Jake left you in our care and I want to be sure that you’re cared for properly. That starts with a massage, then you can catch a nap while Zoe and I take care of Zara. Right, Zoe?”
“Absolutely.” She stepped back in with a glass of water and handed it to me. “We won’t take no for an answer.”
I stared at my wonderful friends and I wanted to be grateful for how kind they were being. But I had to bite back frustrated words. I knew they were just being helpful, but the last thing I wanted was someone’s hands on my naked or nearly naked body. Even Jamie, who’d been so helpful to me when she’d given me the pregnancy massage.
How could I tell them that when they were doing so much for me?
“Callie, thank you so much, but I really can’t. I can’t even imagine someone putting their hands on me right now.”
“Oh, honey.” She sat down on one side of me and Zoe sat down on the other. “That’s exactly why you need to do this. You need to get back in touch with your body—remember how to love it.”
Zoe looked into my eyes. “You did so much hard work and overcame so much to find acceptance and love for your whole body, Hanna, do you really want to give all that up without a fight? We’re here to support you.”
“It’s your decision, of course.” Callie patted my hand. “I wouldn’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. But just think about it, okay? I can always send her away, if you decide you don’t want to do it.”
“I know you’re both right.” I sighed as I watched Zara’s eyes drift closed. “I remember loving my body, I remember how good it felt. I want to feel that again. But I’m just not sure I’m ready.”
“It’s totally up to you.” Callie offered a warm smile.
Chapter 10
I believed Callie when she said it was my choice. The only problem was that I had no idea what I wanted to choose.
On the one hand, I wanted to crawl into bed, hide under the covers, and not come out until it was dark enough to hide my body from sight. On the other hand, I knew that I should love and accept my body for exactly how it was. I hadn’t forgotten all the lessons I’d learned, but for some reason they didn’t seem to apply.
I dropped Zara off in the crib, then stepped into the bathroom. Maybe if I could bear to look at myself in the mirror, I’d b
e able to accept the massage.
After taking a deep breath, I pulled off my shirt. There in front of me, were breasts more full than I’d ever seen them and a stomach that was slack and puffy. I fought back tears as I felt as if all the effort I’d made to lose weight before I’d become pregnant had been completely wasted. The more I stared, the more flaws I found to be upset about.
Finally, I pulled my clothes back on. That decided it. There was no way I would do the massage. Callie or Zoe could take my place.
When I stepped back out into the living room, I found Jamie seated between my two friends. She had a happy glow about her and looked just as beautiful as she had before.
When I walked in, she stood up with a smile.
“Hanna, congratulations!” She hugged me, then looked into my eyes. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thank you.” I blushed as her arms encircled my body. “I really appreciate you coming out, Jamie. I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling up to a massage today.”
“Oh, okay.” She smiled again. “I understand. When I had my first, I didn’t want anyone near me for a few weeks. The baby could touch me, but that was it.”
“Really?” I locked eyes with her to see if she was being honest.
“Yes. I don’t know if it was because my body was so different, or I just slipped into a strange form of paranoia, but if anyone but the baby laid a finger on me, I was not happy about it. But when I finally did let someone give me a massage, it released all of these feelings that I had pent up. I didn’t even know I was holding onto them. Honestly, I wish I had done it sooner because I hate to think that I was feeling resentment and frustration while taking care of my little one. I wasn’t even aware of it.”
She shook her head. “But everyone is different, Hanna. Don’t be scared by my stories.” She laughed. “I’m just saying that I understand how hard it can be to be open to touch after giving birth. I think it might have something to do with how much I was exposed during labor, how much lack of control I felt over my own body and what was happening to it—and who was looking at it and what they were doing to it.”
Then Comes Baby Page 3
