by Katie Dowe
“I miss her,” she said disconsolately. “I don’t know how not to miss her or be sad that she is gone. It was too sudden! Maybe if she had been ill for a period of time and I conditioned my mind to say well yes she is going to go at any minute now then I would know how to cope with it but right now I can’t.”
“Death is a part of what we go through in life honey and I know it is something that makes us sad when we lose our loved ones but we cannot ignore the ones around us who are still alive. Life goes on whether we like to believe it or not.” Carmen took one of her hands. “When your father died I was lost without him for a long time but I had two children to raise so I did not have the luxury to curl up into a ball and give in to self pity, I had to go on for your sake as well as your sister’s.”
“I just want to forget that she is dead but when everyone keeps talking about her then it makes it very difficult to forget. I close my eyes and I see her.” Cara heaved a sigh. “I know I am supposed to have happy memories of her and just concentrate on that but I cannot seem to bring myself from the fact that she is dead and I am never going to see her again.”
“You are going to have to try,” Carmen told her softly feeling her grief. “If not for your sake then for your family’s sake.”
*****
“I miss her,” Christine murmured as they sat around the dinner table after eating the meal.
It was Saturday and Bobby was off for a change. Daniel had gone to his room to watch cartoons and they were sitting around the table having after dinner coffee. “I can’t bring myself to call Cara because I know she must be feeling worst than I am feeling right now.”
“I cannot believe she left you all that money,” Bobby said shaking her head. The money had already been transferred to their account and they had spent some time looking at the amount in disbelief. They had not decided what to do with it yet but they were going to go on the cruise like they had planned.
“I think I am beginning to feel a tip of what Cara felt like when she married Matthew,” she laughed softly. “I kind of feel strange us benefiting from her demise.”
“She wanted you to have it Chris,” Bobby pushed back his chair and started clearing the table. He was feeling full and mellow and the fact that they had come into unexpected wealth made him feel as if life was good. “We can add a back porch to the house and make a tree house for Daniel. I can buy the material and get a couple of guys to help me do the work so we do not dip into much of the money. We still have Daniel’s college fund to think about.” He handed her a glass of water and she held on to his hand.
“I like the fact that we are in accord with this,” she rubbed his hand against her cheek. “And you are right we need to enjoy what she has given us because it’s what she would have wanted.”
He took her hand and kissed the back of it lightly. “Let’s get a sitter for the night and go out to the movies.”
“That sounds like a very good idea.”
Chapter 11
She crept out of the bed early Monday morning and went for a run. She used to run every morning some years ago and that was when she had met her husband. He smiled slightly at the memory at how she had crashed into him because she had not been paying attention. She had started using the well equipped downstairs instead of venturing out, especially when the snow was heavy on the ground. It was too early for commute in the exclusive neighborhood and the place was as silent as a tomb. Her mother had left yesterday and Cara had clung to her tightly before she left, telling her to come back soon.
It was the middle of May which meant that summer was very close. She had put on a sweat top to keep warm as well as to try and work up some sweat. She needed to think and to sort through her mind and emotions. She had not gone back to the center yet since the funeral as she dreaded going there and not seeing Jeanette. Her cheerful laugh; her bubbly personality and the fact that she never allowed anything to bother her for very long. She had told Cara that she missed her children and grandchildren very much and now that they were growing big, they could not be bothered with an old woman like her. She had said it with a smile but Cara knew she meant it.
She increased her speed as if trying to get away from her thoughts. She knew her husband was concerned because she hadn't been sharing much of anything with him. They had not made love in weeks and that was not something that usually happened to them. He had been very patient but she could see that his patience was wearing thin.
She finished her miles and realized that the sky had lightened somewhat indicating that it was almost seven a.m. and she needed to get back. She sat on one of the benches across from a beautiful pond where ducks were swimming and a few pelicans soared above them.
It was nice and quiet and peaceful. She took a deep breath and pulled in the smell of jasmine and something else growing nearby. She got up reluctantly remembering that she had left her phone behind and Matthew was no doubt wondering where she was.
*****
Matthew stirred shortly after she left and reached for her only to touch the empty space where she was supposed to have been. He opened his eyes and sat up blinking at the darkness of the room.
They had spent the day out yesterday because he had wanted to take the children to the park to get their minds off the funeral and the questions and reality of death. She had not been herself since she had heard of Jeanette’s death and he respected her right to mourn but in her mourning she was pushing him and her children away in the process.
Where the hell was she? He wondered swinging his feet off the bed and climbing down the steps. He pulled on a robe and knotted the string at his waist before going to look for her. He had reached downstairs when he realized that she was not in the children’s room nor in the gym downstairs and he had seen her phone on one of the tables in the room so he had no way of getting in touch with her.
He went into the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee to kick start his day and to think. He had not been with her intimately for the past two weeks and he was starting to get frustrated and neglected. How the hell was he expected to feel? He blew on the steaming hot beverage, a frown on his brow.
That was how one of the maids found him. “Mr. Matthew I am sorry to disturb you.” She said making to back out of the kitchen.
He looked at her and tried frantically to remember her name. She was a new addition to the household and he was sure that either his wife or his sister had told him about her. “I am the one who is disturbing you. Lillian is it?” he asked the girl with a smile.
“Yes sir,” she folded her hands together and wished she could just leave. “I was told by Caleb to come and squeeze some oranges.”
“I will be out of your way in another minute,” he assured her.
“No sir please take your time I can come back when you are done.” she said hastily. “Do you need me to get you anything?”
“That’s fine. I am okay with just coffee right now.”
She disappeared shortly after and left him to this thoughts but he knew the household was stirring now and his sister would soon be coming down. He had just finished his coffee and was on his way back up to his suite when he heard the door open and saw her come in. His eyes took in her outfit and realized that she had been for a run.
“Matthew,” she looked up and advanced towards him. “I am sorry I left without letting you know but I just wanted to go for a little run.”
“I was worried Cara,” he told her a little coolly.
“There was no need to be.” She told him but he was already heading back up the stairs and she followed him until they reached their suite of rooms. “I had to clear my head.” She continued, closing the door behind them.
“Is it now clear?” he shucked his robe and she averted her eyes from his glorious nakedness.
“I have no clue,” she made an attempt at laughing.
“Let me know when it is.” He went towards the bathroom and she followed him.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she demanded, stoppi
ng him as he was about to enter the shower.
He turned and looked at her, his body tightening up in spite of himself as he saw how the deep purple Lycra suit molded her body lovingly, highlighting her curves. “I have been waiting for you to notice that you have a family that needs you but it is not happening.”
“I am in mourning for crying out loud!” she put her hands on her hips as he went into the shower and turned the spray on. “I can’t believe you don’t understand that.”
“Do you understand that we need you Cara?” he had turned off the shower and turned to face her, the water sluicing down his tanned muscled body giving it sheen. “Do you understand that I need you and long to be with you?”
“Is that all you can think of? Sex?” she asked him scathingly.
“I am a man and by definition that means that is all we ever think about.” He slammed the shower door shut effectively cutting her off.
He scrubbed himself thoroughly, his body vibrating with anger. He could not get through to her and he was tired of trying. Let her continue to sink herself in grief. He was done!
To his surprise she was still outside there waiting for him. “Do you need something else?” his tone was coolly polite.
“I can’t believe how insensitive you are behaving right now Matthew,” her tone was frustrated. “She was like a mother to me.”
He had grabbed a towel off the rail and had started drying the water off his skin. He slung the towel around his neck and came closer to her. “I am your husband and you seemed to have forgotten that.” He hauled her up into his arms and bending his head he took her lips in a deep bruising kiss that had her clinging to him before letting her go abruptly. “Food for thought,” he said sardonically before striding into the bedroom to get dressed.
Cara leaned back against the wall, her body trembling from the desire he had evoked inside her. She went to use the toilet and heard him stirring inside the room but by the time she was finished and had washed her hands, he had already left the room. She hurried downstairs to see if he was having breakfast but he had already left.
“He said he had an early meeting dear,” Jennifer told her as she examined some freshly cut flowers that one of the maids had put on the table. “The children are eating in their sitting room this morning if you were wondering.”
“Did he say anything –“ she stopped not knowing what she should tell his sister.
“He would not say anything when it comes to what’s personal between you two,” Jennifer said to her shrewdly, going over to the sideboard and pouring a cup of coffee and handing it to her. “He looked upset but he never said anything to me.” She went back to pour herself a cup. “You have not been yourself since Jeanette died my dear and we have all noticed it, even your children.”
Cara sipped her coffee moodily. He had never left before without kissing her goodbye and telling her that he loved her but she guessed he was right. She had been far away and distant lately.
“Do you think I should not mourn her?”
Jennifer placed her coffee cup on the saucer and made a note to tell Lillian to add a little more of the coffee to the pot, it was not strong enough. “If you were not mourning her then I would have to think that something is very wrong. But in your grief you must be prepared to open yourself up and allow those close to you to let them help you with it. I have seen you with your husband and he is prepared to go through anything and everything with you so you should let him.”
“I don’t even know if I can face going back to the center right now,” Cara muttered staring down into her coffee.
“And Jeanette expects you to go and do what she enjoyed doing, what you introduced her to and what made her happy the past few years. So you decide what to do.” She stood put her coffee cup on the sideboard. “I am going up to see to the children and tell them you will be up shortly.”
“Thanks Jen,” she told the woman solemnly.
“Of course,” she said with a smile before going towards the stairs.
Cara sat there for a little while longer before putting away her cup and made to leave the room. “Miss Cara will you be having anything to eat before you leave?” a timid looking young girl asked her.
“I will just grab some orange juice and maybe toast thank you.” She responded smiling at the girl reassured. “But you don’t have to worry about me I will help myself.”
When she went upstairs the children had finished eating and were getting ready to go downstairs to get their backpacks. “Mommy!” Joel saw her first and raced towards her.
“Hi sweetie,” She crouched down and hugged him to her. “Did you eat off all your breakfast?”
“I did but Jeremy said he did not want any cereal so he got eggs instead.”
“Mommy are you better now?” Janice’s voice was solemn as she looked at her mother. Someone; whether Mrs. Morgan or Elise had tried to tame her curls by brushing them back into a ponytail but it was a hopeless case as some of the strands had started escaping already.
“I am,” she reached out a hand to her daughter and her younger son and they came straight into her arms. “Mommy had been feeling a little sad for a few days but I am all better now.”
Jennifer and the nannies had left the room to give them some privacy.
“Is Jeanette in heaven right now?” Jeremy asked her curiously.
Cara smiled at him and ran a hand over his curls. “I would like to think so baby boy.”
“So we will see her when we get old and die like her?” this time it was Joel.
“But not for a very long time honey. Your mother has no intention of losing any of her children right now. Okay guys let’s get you to school.”
*****
Janet had left the keys with Christine and had gone to work.
“Do you feel up to it?” Christine asked her.
There was quietness to the place even though the children were there and some teenage mothers who had come by anxiously, fully expecting the place to still be closed and expressing relief when it was not. It had felt very strange not been greeted with the smell of Jeanette’s baking and she had to brace herself to go inside. The dogs that she had loved and cared for including her own dog Yap had all been sent to the doggy daycare further up the street for the time being.
“I am never going to be up to it.” Cara looked around and noticed that there were some packages left on the table in the office that Jeanette had sorted out just two weeks ago. They were still sitting there as if waiting for her to come and distribute them. “I have to try and move away from the way I am feeling because I have been neglecting my family.” They both looked up when they heard a sound in the doorway and realized to their delight that it was Marissa. She had been on the farm sorting things out and had taken Denzel with her. She had gone straight there after the funeral and was just getting back.
“I brought smoothies.” She said trying to inject a little note of gaiety into the sober room. She gave them each a big cup even though it was so early in the morning. “I thought about getting slices of pies but I figured it would depress us even more.” She plopped down on one of the chairs available. “She is really gone. I kept expecting to see her as soon as I come through the door. Remember how she used to tease me about the amount of jewelry I would wear?”
“She used to tell you that you made Mr. T look as if he is not trying.” Christine said with a grin.
“I had forgotten about that,” Cara laughed for the first time in several weeks. They sat there silent for a while, all three of them lost in their own thoughts.
“Okay honey let’s get this thing done.” Marissa said briskly getting to her feet.
“I will stay here and look over things.” Christine waved them off.
Cara fully expected to see her dog and the others bounding around to greet them with hanging tongues and sharp barks but the place was silent. Her prized flowers had been watered no doubt by Janet and the scent was heady. Cara opened the door and stepped into the light airy living
room and fully expected to smell the scent of baking and stood there for a moment with Marissa behind her. The place was clean and tidy and she knew Janet had spent the weekend straightening up.
Marissa squeezed her shoulder gently and taking a deep breath she continued on until they were inside her bedroom. Janet had straightened up in here as well and had put fresh sheets on the bed. Her steps faltered as she remembered that this was where Janet had found her.
“I understand she died peacefully,” Marissa said quietly.
“I am trying to tell myself that she was tired and she wanted to be with her husband but I keep coming back to the fact that she is dead and never coming back.” Cara took a deep breath and went towards her closet. It was nowhere near as large as hers at the manor but the clothes were hung there neatly with the shoes placed underneath on shelves. She had never been one for amassing a lot of things but had shopped sparingly and with good taste. “I am supposed to give her things to the thrift store for them to dispose of them as they see fit.” She fingered a lovely silk scarf that she had seen Jeanette wear one Christmas when she had been invited to the manor for dinner. She had remembered telling her how lovely it was. “Would it be too bad of me to want to keep this to remember her by?”
“I am sure she would love you to have it honey.” Marissa assured her.
They made short work of packing up her stuff and putting them into boxes and labeling them. They went into the kitchen and Cara sat at one of the stools around the counter and smiled as she remembered the times she had spent having her meals with her. “I hardly ever cooked because she said that it was too depressing cooking for only one person,” she ran her hand over the marble counter top. “I used to love it because I never like to cook in the first place.”
“I bet you did,” Marissa said with a grin. Suddenly she went towards the kettle and catching some water from the tap, she turned on the stove and put the kettle on.
