“Nope,” he smiled and gave me a once-over. “You don’t look like you walked only a mile.”
I bit my lip.
Lee’s expression turned somber. “Come,” he said, and gestured to the entrance of his building.
“I don’t want you to be late on my account.”
“I’m already late.” Without waiting for an answer, he walked back into the building he had just emerged from a moment ago.
I followed him. I needed to think of an answer. An adequate reason for being there. I could say I popped by to pick his brain about the books I had to moodify for ArtDot. Or talk to him about making a change in the contract. Or…
My mind was racing again. I made sure my walls were high enough to keep my tension from leaking.
“Water?” he asked while opening the door to his dim apartment.
“No,” I said and cleared my throat. “I just wanted to go over the books with you.”
“Right,” he said skeptically, locked the door behind him and took off his jacket. “Sit.”
I hesitated. He peered at me. “You’re here in the middle of the morning, and you’re blocked as if I’m going to attack you. You need help. Let me help. Sit down.”
I sat down. Lee brought two glasses of cold water and loosened his tie.
I picked up my glass and took a sip. I was trying to think how I could recount the story without having to mention the threat or the vandalism, or even the remarks about how Remy had brought it on himself by hiring someone ‘like me.’ I couldn’t put it in words that wouldn’t sound dramatic, and I didn’t want to turn the threat into my reality. A pesky thought told me it already was my reality. I shooed it away.
My glass was long and narrow, with droplets of water condensing on the outer surface. I dragged my finger down the sides, trapping plump, perfect drops. Lee reached out and caught my hand with one of his long, delicate fingers, his touch gentle.
“There are a few things that could help,” he said quietly. “We could try sage. Not what Oleander does, a different kind. It empties your mind of all feelings. Very calming.”
“I don’t smoke,” I quickly said.
“OK, that rules out a few options. I have pills, a few of them aren’t half bad. The only problem is that if you’re not used to them, they’ll wipe you out for the rest of the day. Sound good?” he asked with an arched eyebrow.
“No chemicals,” I said. “Would you just,” I faltered, my voice trembling, “help me dismantle a bit of my anxiety? Just a little.”
“Are you sure? I’m not that good at it.”
And it would have forced both of us to lower our walls to more than just a small opening, an idea I wasn’t at all confident about. He suddenly seemed so fragile that I felt I was the one comforting him. “I trust you.”
Lee took away my glass and lowered it onto the table, his hand perfectly steady. “Ever done this before?”
“A bunch of times. With Daphne. Whenever she has an upsetting vision, or after crowded rallies.” When people got killed.
He looked at me and I could feel his tension. Something about how he held his shoulders, avoiding any touch. He even kept his knees pressed against each other, putting more distance between us.
“You just need to find the right knot and unravel it. I’ll stop you if it’s too much.”
Lee nodded, his eyes dark in the dim living room. I slowly lowered my walls. He followed suit. I felt his touch, fluttering, almost imperceptible, snaking inside the curves and bends of my mind.
“Feels nice,” I said. Partly to encourage him, but also because it was true.
“It’s difficult,” he said, smiling while staying focused.
When he reached the source of my tension, I recoiled. “There.”
Lee nodded silently. He gingerly touched the knot. I felt him tracking the contours of my feelings, searching for a loose end in the tightly wound coil.
A smile suddenly appeared on his face, vast and unexpected. “Found it.”
The sudden relief made me gasp. Lee retreated from my psyche. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly. Inhale. Exhale. Lee placed his hand on mine.
“Everything alright?”
I nodded with my eyes closed. “Terrific.” My voice sounded as light as a feather.
Lee pinched me. I opened my eyes. “What?”
He grimaced. “I overdid it.”
I brushed my hand across my face. “Yeah.” I smiled. “It feels good when someone does it to you.”
Once again he beamed with that giant, winning smile of his. I scooted closer to him. “Keep that up and you’ll get a kiss.” He didn’t move. “Keep that up and I’ll tell your brother that you’re my dealer.”
I stuck out my tongue. He smiled. I pulled away from him and leaned back on the couch. Lee got up, tightened his tie and picked up his jacket. “Come,” he said, reaching out his hand. “I’ll give you a ride home. You need some rest.”
I took his hand and hoisted myself up. “I’m fine,” I said, my head spinning.
Lee supported my weight and started laughing. I leaned against him and he helped me down the stairs and onto his motorcycle. Bright green, a little like his eyes. I wanted to share the observation, but I was flying too high to put a whole sentence together. We made it to my house and Lee walked me in.
“Are you going to tuck me into bed?” I asked as he stepped into my room.
Instead of answering, he swept his gaze across the orange-neon walls. “I’ve never seen such an ugly color in my life.” He pointed at the picture hanging on the wall, a horse galloping against the sunset. “And what’s this generic eyesore?” He looked at me, his eyes flickering. “Please tell me you didn’t decorate this room yourself.”
I held up my hand. “Sorry.”
Lee shook his head. “And to think I almost liked you.”
“Almost,” I said, parroting his headshake.
Lee smiled and pointed at the bed. “You need some help?”
I removed my shoes, took off my shirtw and pants and crawled into bed. “Lee?” As I pulled up the blanket I felt the exhaustion hitting me. “Are you doing that?”
“No, it’s a side effect, I think.” He crouched near the bed and stroked my cheek, brushing the hair off my face. “Thanks for asking for help.” He kissed my forehead and I took in the delicate, subtle scent of his aftershave.
“Stay with me.” I yawned.
“You need to get some sleep,” he said, the softness of his tone suddenly stirring something inside me.
“It was a gift from Daphne,” I mumbled and closed my eyes. “Don’t think I chose…”
And I fell asleep.
22
Daphne woke me up by hurling a pillow at me. “Get up.” She was wearing a tight-fitting outfit, and I faintly sensed her bra digging into her skin.
“Where’s Lee?” I yawned. “He was just here.”
“Six hours ago,” she said, and bent over to pick up the pillow. “And if you don’t get out of bed I’ll kick you out of it.”
I raised my hand in submission. “I’m up, I’m up!”
Once in full possession of my faculties I managed to take a closer look at the change Lee had affected. He really was inexperienced. While he had indeed found the root of my anxiety and disentangled it, he had also unraveled some of my normal tension – the driving force that made me get up in the morning, pull myself together and set off to work.
I wasn’t sure how to recreate those knots. I knew they’d eventually fuse back into place even without my interference, and wondered whether it wasn’t better to just leave things as they were. I was jobless now anyway. Lee had unraveled so much of my angst that I couldn’t even regret that I had sort of gotten fired and my modification work had dried up.
I still felt slightly spaced out. Not completely rooted to the ground. The shower helped me wake up, but not land. When I got out of the bathroom, Daphne was standing there holding a pair of black pants. “Put these on.”
“Is som
ething supposed to get spilled on me?”
“Maybe.” She winked.
I leaned against the wall behind me and crossed my arms. “What’s going on?”
Daphne waited, and when she saw I wasn’t moving she leaned on the wall in front of me. “We’re going out.” Her smile vanished.
“Where to?”
“A party,” she replied, her fingers working the edge of her shirt. “You have work tomorrow morning.” Although no one would dare fire Daphne; she wasn’t as expendable as I was. Her boss would readily build bunkers to protect Daphne if someone dared threaten her. The capital market couldn’t survive without damuses, and Daphne was among the best in her field.
She was quiet.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come this morning.”
“It’s OK. I…” she sighed. “I saw what happened. I also saw your conversation with Sherry. I’m not mad.”
“Thanks for understanding.” I was still standing with my arms folded across my chest, and realized it might come across as defensive or even aggressive. I lowered them back to my sides. “Why did you change plans? Did something happen?”
“No,” she replied, and bit her lip. “I thought about… about afterwards. After the rally. Even if we pull it off, at some point I’ll be lying in bed alone, thinking about you, and I want the image in my head to be one of you happy and laughing.”
It was the first time I realized it didn’t matter what present we were in, I was still going to die before her. A deep chasm of pain exploded inside my chest. I couldn’t imagine what her life was like right now, seeing everything that lay ahead of us and still having to go through it, to experience it. I felt the sorrow rippling out of her, and the gentle thread she clung to in order to root herself in the present and not sink into depression.
I took my pants from her. “Are you going to tell me who else is invited?”
“Lee. Matthew. Sherry. Oleander.”
“Sherry?” I raised an eyebrow.
Daphne tugged on the hem of her shirt. “I have to talk to her myself. It won’t work if…” her voice trailed off.
I put my hand on her shoulder. “Thanks.”
We went to a club I’d never heard of before. The sign on the door read ‘Everyone is Welcome,’ and yet there was still a separate door for us, a bell chiming as we entered.
A few couches were scattered inside, with typical dance music playing in the background. A handful of people were swaying to the beat on the dance floor, their emotions flat and faded.
Lee and River were sitting at the bar, drinking something disturbingly colorful. Blaze was standing next to River, brushing his fingers up and down her back. The bartender was serving a couple standing at the other end of the bar, who were radiating intense confusion. Oleander shot up from behind the bar, holding two bottles of Goldstar. “That’s all we have left,” he said to Lee. “You don’t look like the Goldstar type.”
Lee put his hand on my shoulder. “It’s not for me.”
Oleander glanced at me and shifted his gaze back to Lee. “You two need to have a serious conversation.”
Daphne leaned over the bar and kissed Oleander. “Thanks for organizing this.”
“You’re a bartender?” I raised an eyebrow.
Oleander nodded. “But I’m not working right now, just helping out a friend.”
Matthew walked in, Sherry close behind him. They both entered through the white door, and I was flooded by a wave of warmth, tinted with fear. He couldn’t keep doing this, not as things stood. Lee tensed beside me. I noticed River was looking rather on edge as well, if not as much as Lee. I wondered if it had anything to do with the police’s attitude towards sorcerers in the Confederacy. I wasn’t sure how to raise the question. Everyone ordered alcohol. I ordered a Coke, but Lee slammed his fist down on the bar and said that if I wasn’t going to drink anything stronger than a Coke, he was going to personally make sure I wouldn’t be able to stand up straight by the end of the night. Matthew laughed, and I caved and told Oleander to uncap of one of the Goldstar bottles.
After we all received our drinks, Matthew raised his glass. “So,” he said, straining his voice over the music, “what are we celebrating?”
Daphne lifted her glass. “That we’re not dead yet.”
“I never thought I’d meet anyone more morbid than me,” Lee said, holding up his glass. “Here’s to us not being dead yet!”
River looked at Lee and raised her glass. “Oh yes, baby!” They exchanged glances, and I felt a deep current passing underneath the seemingly innocuous toast. The memory flooded me all at once. The moment when Matthew walked into my room before I managed to hide the pill bottle, and sat down in front of me, and asked quietly whether to call an ambulance or let go, and promised not to tell our parents whatever choice I made. And I remembered his eyes, wet with tears, his pain submerging me, filling the parts inside me that were depleted of emotion. I swallowed the sadness and hid it where no one could see.
Oleander was the last one to raise his glass. He looked at Daphne, and drank in silence.
After the first round of drinks, Oleander and Daphne retired to a couch in the corner. I felt Lee starting to space out, although he hadn’t drunk that much. I wondered whether he was on something. He mumbled something about changing the music and went off in search of the DJ’s booth.
Blaze, Sherry and Matthew were deep in conversation about basketball. River and I were the only ones left standing at the bar. She was gazing at her glass. Like me, she had barely touched her drink.
Her silence was unnerving. “Thanks for coming,” I said.
She looked up from her glass. “Happy to be here. You mean a lot to Blaze and Lee.”
I wasn’t sure how to reply to that.
River fixed her gaze back on her glass. “I’m sorry. I keep saying the wrong things.” She was nervous, engulfed by a haze of exhaustion.
“Hard day at work?”
She nodded. “Hard day. Hard month.” She paused. “It’s not your problem. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I said. “It’s nice dealing with other people’s problems for a change.”
“Oh,” she replied. “Like Lee’s.”
My heart fluttered, but I managed to rein in my emotions quickly enough so that Lee wouldn’t notice.
She dragged her finger around the rim of her glass. “It’s funny how you guys fail to comprehend such obvious things.”
I took a sip of beer. “I comprehend a lot of things.”
“You and Lee. You don’t get body language. You don’t understand what people think. If you can’t read a person’s feelings, you’re lost.” She straightened her back. “It’s like what happened with Blaze. Lee was convinced everything was fine, that he had him wrapped around his little finger. Instead of pausing to think that maybe, just maybe, if a guy hasn’t made a move in two years, he’s just not interested.” She stopped playing with her glass and pierced me with her eyes. “And you can’t read what my brother’s projecting in any frequency that isn’t this one,” she said, pointing at her temple with her index finger. It wasn’t the American gesture. She just wanted to signal thought.
“I’m fairly sure that when Lee is interested in anything…” I said, trying to keep my tone lighthearted.
“I’m not talking about sex.” Her eyes narrowed. “I’m saying that you’re not thinking about your impact on others. You come to my brother, asking for his help, letting him into your psyche, without stopping to consider that maybe it’s not good for him.”
“If Lee hadn’t wanted to help…” My bright and breezy tone had disappeared.
“He wouldn’t have said a word,” she said cuttingly. “He never does, to anyone. Ever. And I’m the one who has to find him afterwards with…” She paused, panting, and continued in a quieter voice, “I’m only asking that you think before you act.”
Lee was swept up in the music. I felt him, calm and distant. “I understand you’re worried about your brother…”
“I’m not worried about my brother,” she interrupted me. “I’m far past worrying about my brother. I’ve moved continents, to this miserable humidity of yours, for my brother.”
“I thought Blaze wanted to move back here.”
River tightened her grip around her glass. “Is that what he told you? Apparently he forgot to mention that Lee suffers from a serious case of ants in his pants and has to move every few months, and that ArtDot was the only one willing to hire a graphic designer who’s basically a digital nomad,” she spewed all her rage on the empty beer glass in her hand. “So Blaze tells him, ‘Move to Israel, it’s a lot safer than the Boston Reservation,’ and I can’t leave him on his own for too long, otherwise…” She finally fell silent.
I tried imagining myself moving continents for Matthew. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But if it were the other way around? Matthew constantly found ways to befriend my friends and hang out wherever I lived or worked. He created an entire network that watched over me when he wasn’t around. River was also the sibling of an empath.
I looked her straight in the eye. “How many times had he tried to, you know?”
She wiped away tears I hadn’t notice until then, and didn’t say a word.
I picked up my glass and raised it. “I’ll try to hear what he’s not saying.”
River held up her glass and said, “And not only what he’s feeling?”
I nodded and clinked my glass against hers.
We drank in silence.
The music got louder. Lee approached us. “So who’s dancing with me?” He had to yell to be heard.
Before I managed to say anything, River put her glass down on the bar with a thud, swiveled around to Lee and said, “Me!” with her giant smile. I knew Lee was picking up the same feelings from her as I was. Stress. Anxiety. Exhaustion. But she jumped off her chair, and he reached his hand out to her.
They were moving together to the beat of the music, exchanging silly gestures that looked like a revisiting of childhood dance moves. I was sure of it, judging by the amused feelings flowing back and forth between them. I tried looking at them without reading them. River’s moves had more rhythm to them, smoother. Lee snuck me a glance every now and then, smiling. He wasn’t dancing with her like he had danced with me.
The Heart of the Circle Page 17
