by Kelly Oram
A shudder tore through me, causing Brian to pull me into his arms. He took his napkin and wiped at the few tears that had rolled down my cheeks.
I stiffened as the server brought our dinner to us, but Brian continued to hold me tight and did all the speaking necessary. Once the waiter was gone, Dad and Brian both reluctantly picked up their utensils, but I just stared at my plate.
Brian noticed I wasn’t eating. He gave me another hug and put his own fork to his mouth but didn’t bother telling me I should eat. He knew how upset I was right now. He knew there was no way I’d be able to choke down even a single bite.
Dad sighed when he realized I wasn’t going to eat. When I looked up, he put his fork down as well and bored his misty blue eyes into mine. “Ella…” His voice gave out, and he had to wait out a bout of emotion. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, baby. I love you.”
I didn’t want to have this conversation, but hashing it out was the whole reason for being here, so I steeled myself and forced the words out. “I know, Dad, but you can’t help hurting me, either. You may love me, but I’m still your biggest regret in life.”
“That’s not—”
“No, I am.” I wouldn’t let him finish his sentence. I didn’t want to hear the lies. He wouldn’t lie on purpose, but he was lying to himself. “Jennifer, Juliette, and Anastasia…they’re your pride and joy. I can tell in the way you talk about them, the way you smile at them, the way love them. It’s different with me. We both know that.”
“It’s not that I don’t love you, too; it’s just complicated, baby. Your mother—”
“You’re trying.” I cut him off, not wanting to bring Mama into this. I didn’t think I’d survive that. “I know you are. And I’m grateful for the effort. But even though you may like me, I’m your consequence more than your daughter. I’m a reminder of your mistakes and your regrets. You can’t seem to get past that, so I’m not going to make you try anymore.”
“Ella…baby…you’re not making me try. I want to. I’ve wanted to make this work from the second the police called me to tell me about your accident. Not having you in my life this past month was a nightmare. You had surgery, and I couldn’t be there. You have a new apartment…a new life…I hate not being a part of it. Maybe things aren’t perfect between us yet, maybe there will always be a slight difference between my relationship with you and the one I have with Jennifer and the twins. But what we have is better than nothing at all. Trying is better than losing you.”
“For you, maybe. For me, it just hurts.”
I sucked in a deep breath and held it a few seconds before letting it go in a slow rush of air. More tears spilled down my cheeks, and as I looked at my father and then felt Brian’s warm, solid arm around me, I suddenly knew why I hurt so badly. “I don’t want to be anyone’s consequence. I want to be someone’s pride and joy.”
A silent sob wracked me, and I crumpled against Brian’s chest. He scooped me up tight and leaned his head against mine. “You’re more than my pride and joy,” he said, softly stroking my hair with one hand. “You are my life, Ellamara. My heart. My soul. My everything.”
Minutes passed. Neither man said a word while I soaked Brian’s shirt with my tears. Once I got hold of myself, I sat back up, wiped my eyes and nose on my napkin, and took a sip of water. I was still shaking a little and I couldn’t stop the straggling tears, but the ugly, uncontrollable sobbing was over.
I set my water glass back down and snuggled back into Brian’s embrace before braving a look at my father. His eyes were red rimmed and his face was a mask of devastation. He met my gaze and then seemed to take in the whole picture before him, of Brian and me together—the way Brian held me, the way I clung to him for dear life, with complete trust. As he studied us, he shook his head in an absentminded gesture that was barely noticeable. “You aren’t what I regret, Ella,” he said quietly. “My mistake was walking away from you.”
I wished I could believe that.
My dad sat back in his chair, eyes still roving over Brian and me together. “Your mother and I needed to divorce, but I shouldn’t have left you both.” His gaze came into focus, and he looked directly at me, beseeching. “You were an unexpected gift.” His eyes slid to Brian. “He is my consequence.”
I frowned, unsure what he meant.
Dad sighed, eyes still locked on the man holding me. “I owe you an apology, too.”
Brian didn’t react, but I gasped softly. I hadn’t excepted my dad to acknowledge his sins against Brian.
“I love my daughter,” he said, his tone becoming firm but not angry. “I worry about your fame and how it will affect her. I worry about your reputation and your past history with other women. It’s hard to believe you so suddenly changed, and that you won’t hurt my baby girl.”
“Understandable,” Brian said, surprising me. “I would expect as much from a father who cares about his daughter. Now, understand this: the fame can’t be helped, but I will do everything within my power to keep Ella safe and protected as we deal with it together. She will never be alone in this.” Dad’s jaw clenched, but he kept silent. “And as for the women…they were nothing but my misguided way of coping with Ella’s loss in the first place.”
Brow furrowed, Dad opened his mouth to ask a question, but Brian supplied him with an explanation before he could get the words out. “All of those years that Ella and I wrote to each other, I dated here and there, but never anything serious, and nothing to warrant my reputation. Even then, before I’d met her in person, Ella was the only one I wanted. I’d been waiting for her to turn eighteen. I planned to fly out to Boston after her birthday to meet her and her mother in person. I was ready to explain to them who I was and how I felt.
“After Ella’s accident, when I thought I’d lost her forever, a part of me died. The women that followed were nothing but my way of trying to fill the void Ella’s disappearance created. It was a stupid way to grieve, but that’s what I was doing. Not one of those women ever came close to giving me even a fraction of the happiness I get from a single text from Ella.”
Okay, as far as romantic declarations go, that one was pretty good. My face flushed, and I squeezed Brian in a tight hug, letting him know that I loved him just as much. His past didn’t bother me a single bit. I understood, and I knew with all my heart that he was telling the truth. Those women meant nothing to him, and he’d never need them again.
He hugged me back and kissed the side of my head before continuing. “Since the second I received that first e-mail after Ella’s accident, there hasn’t been even a thought about another woman. Ella is the only one that matters. This sudden ‘change’ you’re concerned about isn’t a change at all. This is the real me, finally finding my way back from a dark place. I’m not going to hurt your daughter. I’m not going to leave her and go back to being a player. In fact, when we’re old and gray and it’s time to move on, even God himself will have a hell of a time prying her away from me. He’s going to have to take us together.”
I cracked a smile, picturing myself caught in a tug-of-war between Brian and the Almighty. It wasn’t that hard to imagine.
“I understand your concerns where it comes to my relationship with Ella.” Brian’s voice lowered, turning hard as he said, “But the animosity you have toward me stops now. It’s unnecessary, and it hurts her. If you can’t accept me, you will lose her for good—if you haven’t already.”
Man, I loved my boyfriend whenever he went all alpha male on my father like that. It was always a little startling, and exciting, and just so, so, so hot. There was a reason he made the perfect Cinder on-screen. He had the confidence and the dominance to pull it off. My man could totally be a kickass warrior prince in real life.
I hid my grin for my dad’s sake, because he didn’t appreciate Brian’s brashness the way I did. In fact, he loathed it. But this time, to my surprise, he took it. He swallowed his pride, and though every muscle in his entire body was stiff and his teeth ground together, he gave Bri
an a curt nod. “Fair enough. The two of you have my blessing,” he said, shocking me so much I reared back as if the words had smacked me in the face. When he noticed my disbelief, he sighed again. “As I said before, I owe Brian an apology.”
Dad rubbed his head and sipped his wine. Brian sat in silence, giving my dad time to figure out the words he needed to say. I held my breath, waiting for the explanation. Could my father have meant what he said? Could he really stop hating Brian and actually give us his blessing? It seemed too much to hope for.
“I know you love her,” he finally said, his words directed at Brian. “That’s been obvious since your appearance on The Kenneth Long Show. Any fool can see it.”
And here I thought he couldn’t shock me any more than he already had. I hand to pick my mouth up off the table to say, “I don’t understand. If you know how much we love each other, then why hate him the way you do?”
Dad stared at me as if he knew the answer to my question and just didn’t want to admit it out loud. After a quick glance at Brian, he grimaced and said, “Jealousy.”
I blinked. He was jealous? Of Brian?
I glanced at Brian, but he was just as confused.
Dad sighed. “I’m bitter and resentful, and it was easier to take my anger out on him rather than own up to the fact that it’s my fault you’ll never be my baby girl.”
“What?” I gasped.
Dad shrugged. “Everything he said to me on Christmas was the truth.” His gaze lifted to Brian. “You are the man in her life, and you were long before I came back into the picture. She used to call out for you—for Cinder—when she was in the hospital. When she was half conscious and the pain was too much, or she was grieving for her mom, she’d cry your name, over and over. I never understood what she meant at the time.”
My eyes widened at this unknown truth, and Brian hugged me just a little bit tighter.
“You’re the one she turns to for everything,” Dad said, defeat thick in his voice. “You’re the one who makes her feel better, who puts smiles on her face, the one she trusts... You do know her better than me, and you can take better care of her.”
Brian’s body tensed ever-so-slightly. It was the only clue he gave that he was affected by my father’s words. I knew him well enough to know what it meant. He was trying not to get his hopes up.
Brian’s own father was a difficult man, and as much as Brian disliked the guy, deep down, he still sought his approval. Earning it didn’t happen often. He’d been so excited to meet my dad the first time. I believed he saw himself as a perfect catch for a woman. He was smart, responsible, independent, he could provide for any woman he dated, and he was sincere in his feelings for me. He’d expected my father to be happy about our relationship and to be proud to have him dating me.
Reality was a severe blow to my confident boyfriend’s ego. He’d never said so, but my father’s disapproval hurt him. It showed in the way he was so quick to lose his temper with my dad and become defensive. Brian never bothered to get defensive with anyone unless he truly cared what they thought about him. My dad got under his skin so easily because, just like with his own father, Brian wanted to earn my dad’s approval. He wanted my dad to like him and be proud of him. He wanted his trust and wanted him to see how well he could take care of me.
“Dad…”
My father’s eyes snapped back to me at the sound of my quiet voice, and I almost chickened out of speaking. Brian started stroking my hair again, giving me the strength I needed. “All of those things you just said about Brian…those are good things. Fame issues aside, he is exactly the kind of man any father would be proud to have dating his daughter.”
Dad glanced at Brian again, and then his face softened when he looked back at me. “I know, baby. And I’m glad that you’ve found someone who can take care of you and loves you as much as he does. I’ve been unfair to you both, and I’m sorry for that.” His eyes bounced between the two of us again. “You really do have my blessing. It’s just a hard pill to swallow.”
“But why?”
Dad gulped and answered my question in a voice rough with emotion. “Abandoning you was the biggest mistake of my life. Not having you, and not being with your mother, but leaving you. I knew that the second I heard about your accident. I sat in that hospital, and I thought either I’d watch you die and that would be my punishment…or you’d live and I’d be given a chance at redemption. When it became apparent that you were going to survive, I knew God had given me an opportunity to fix my mistakes. And I wanted it, baby. I wanted you. You were my little girl, and I was overjoyed to have a second chance. I was so excited to bring you home and make you part of my family. But that turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would. I’d hurt you too badly. I saw how deep your wounds were, and I didn’t think you’d ever forgive me.”
He looked away and cleared his throat as he took another sip of his wine. When he composed himself again, his eyes found Brian instead of me. “When Ella reached out to you, and the two of you started talking again, the change in her was instantaneous. With you back in her life, she was a completely different young woman. I knew, then, that I was too late. She’d never be my little girl. I’d already lost her to you. I’d been the fool to leave her, and in my absence, she found you. Not only that, but you did such a good job picking up my slack that she didn’t have any need for me at all.”
“Dad…” He wasn’t trying to make me feel bad, but I was starting to feel a little sorry for him.
He shook his head, his eyes never leaving Brian’s. “You are a better man than I am, Brian Oliver, and you deserve her more than I do. I finally realized that when I hurt her so badly she handed her fate over to you and walked out of my life without so much as a glance back. The worst part was, I couldn’t blame her. I’d been the one to drive her away. I’d been the one to break her heart.
“I couldn’t even worry about her because she was with you; I knew you would take care of her. I knew if anyone could fix some of the damage I’d caused, you’d be the man to do it. I hate you for that. And I love you for it, too.”
“Dad…” My tears had returned. I hadn’t noticed.
“I’m sorry, Ella.” He shut his eyes and shook his head. “So incredibly sorry.”
After a deep breath, he opened his eyes again and met my gaze. “I’ve failed you every step of the way. I’ve hurt you so badly I feel like an ass for even wanting this, but please don’t cut me out of your life entirely. Don’t walk out on me the way I did to you. Please, baby. I don’t want to lose you again.”
My head was shaking before I knew how to answer him. “Dad…I just don’t know. I can’t keep doing this with you. We go in circles, and every time it hurts that much worse, cuts that much deeper.”
I sniffled, and Brian handed me his napkin. I shamelessly blew my nose in it. The restaurant was probably charging two hundred dollars a plate for our dinner. They could afford to replace one cloth napkin.
Pain flashed across my dad’s face and he shut his eyes again. “It’ll be different this time,” he whispered. The promise sounded sincere, but I couldn’t trust it. “I’ve been humbled, Ella. You finally got through to me. I understand that you can’t be my little girl—you aren’t a little girl. You don’t need someone to raise you anymore. I missed out on that opportunity. That is my regret—my consequence that falls entirely on my shoulders. I can’t even really claim the role of your father—I lost that privilege when I gave you up. I will accept that, if you give me one last chance. I’ll stop trying to be someone to you that I don’t have a right to be. I’ll accept Brian in your life and simply be grateful that you found someone to fill the spot I left vacant. I’ll welcome him into the family like the son I never had, if that’s what it takes to prove myself to you.”
He looked to Brian again, and I saw the sincerity in his eyes when he said, “You’re a good man. I was wrong to judge you so harshly, and I’m sorry. If you can find it in you to forgive me, I mean it that you can be
as much a part of my family as Ella is. The two of you are a package deal. I’m ready to accept that.”
“Thank you,” Brian murmured, sounding more reserved than I’d ever heard him. “I appreciate that.”
Dad met his eyes again and shrugged. “Kind of have no choice. All four of my girls love you too much.”
One side of Dad’s mouth quirked up into a half smile to let Brian know he was teasing him. Brian returned the gesture with a ghost of a smile and a small nod, but he said, “It’ll always be Ella’s call. She’s my priority. I’ll support whatever she decides 100 percent.”
“Of course.” Dad’s head bobbed up and down, and then he looked at me with hope bleeding from his eyes.
My stomach churned with indecision. I couldn’t say yes, but I couldn’t say no, either. “I need some time,” I whispered.
Dad’s face drooped. Some of the light left his eyes, but he tried to hide his disappointment. “I understand. Take as much time as you need. I’ll wait.” He swallowed again. “I really am so sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday, and even if you can’t, thank you for not giving up on my girls because of me. Believe it or not, Ana needs you in her life, and Juliette would be devastated to lose your friendship.”
I shook my head and finally managed a small smile of my own. “She won’t.”
I looked down at my untouched plate, and my stomach rolled again. I felt my dad’s eyes on me, knew he was wishing and hoping that I’d suddenly become okay. That somehow, through the course of this dinner, I’d accept his apology and tell him he was forgiven and that we could have a relationship. I wasn’t ready to make that decision, and I couldn’t sit here under the weight of his hope.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and looked up at Brian desperately. “I need to go now.”
Brian didn’t ask questions. He flagged down our watchful server, signaling for the check, and two minutes later we were on our feet. My father just sat in his seat, staring at his own untouched plate. “I do appreciate the apology,” I said. “And I will think about it.”
