by Kay Edwards
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Dalton looked at the men around the campfire. He knew that it was time for the older ones to share some of their wisdom on marriage. He watched Brock hand Chad a piece of wood.
Chad looked up at Brock. “What is this?”
Brock looked at him and said with a grin. “It is the passing stick. We had one when I was in school. It just helps keep order.”
David looked at Brock. “Son we are grownups here. I’m thinking we can maintain the order.”
Brock laughed. “I know but come on. We are men too.”
David looked thoughtful. “Chad hey go ahead and let me have that there stick.”
Chad shook his head. “I had it first. I think I should start.”
Wyatt watched as Vince walked up behind his dad and snatched it out of his hand. He sat down on a log and got comfortable. He smiled and said. “Ok. Now here is what I’m going to tell you, boys. I know people use I Corinthians 13 all the time, but that is for a reason. It really is an excellent way to guide you on how to love those around you. We have each taken a couple of the characteristics of love from that chapter and have put it into words on how it worked for us in our marriages.”
Wyatt watched as the stick was passed to his dad. Chad looked at his sons and soon to be son. He spoke with confidence. “Love truly is patient. It is only love that will stop you and have you count to ten before you say something hurtful to your wife. If ten isn’t enough, it is patience that will have you counting until twenty or thirty. If you need more space, it is patience that will keep you calm as you ask for more space but… and I say but for a reason but you need to specify a time you will be able to talk. It isn’t kind to allow your loved one to feel insecure. If you give a time to come back together and communicate it holds you accountable to do just that.”
Brock watched as the stick was passed to David. “If you are not kind to the woman you love you are not showing love. Kindness and love go hand in hand. Kindness, when it is easy to give, is fine, but kindness, when it isn't easy to give, is spectacular. It is a radical choice not to lash out but instead be kind even if we don’t feel they deserve it or have earned it. Real love does not ever need to be earned. It just is. Real love will stop and be patient so that it can be kind. If your direct action or inaction is causing her pain when you are in a disagreement you are not being kind. If you think you being right supersedes showing kindness, you are not showing your spouse love.”
Dalton watched his father pass it to Vince. “When you love someone, you are satisfied with who you are to them. You do not look at someone else's strengths and wish they could be your spouse’s. God has given us all life. Do we envy Him the ability to do that? We don't envy His strengths and abilities. Love does not wish your spouse to be something that they are not. It does not feel inferior and is satisfied with who it is. You have to be content with not only who you are but who your wife is in a marriage. Do not look at other marriages and wish that your marriage was like theirs. You do not know what goes on behind the closed doors of any marriage. Be content with the one God has blessed you with. The first three are out there now it is your turn to ask questions.”
Brock took the stick when it was passed to him. He looked around and asked. “Have any of you struggled with envy. I’m not sure I can see how it applies to marriage, but then again I’m not married.”
Vince was the only one that held his hand out for the stick. “I remember one time there was a couple in our church that just seemed to click. I would look at the man’s wife and see how she seemed to dote on him. He would speak she would listen. I was so hard on Liz, and she had no idea why. When I started to get absolutely nasty with her, she would do what I wanted. When Liz started acting like the other man’s wife, I realized the only reason she was doing it was because I was being a bully. I was acting like a jerk. It almost destroyed her and our marriage. She was never anything but thin but when I started treating her like that she began to lose weight. She was sickly thin by the time I realized what I was doing. Looking for happiness in another person’s marriage is not only stupid, but it is also dangerous.”
Vince passed the stick back to Brock. “I think I’m done,” Brock said as he gave it to Dalton.
Dalton knew what one he might have trouble with. “How does a man stay patient with a person that is as impulsive as Misty? I know this one is going to kick my butt.”
Everyone laughed as Chad held out his hand. “The first thing you need to understand is it is ok to be firm. Being firm when you are right isn’t wrong. Being hurtful is. When you are doing your best to find a way to speak to someone that doesn’t understand why you are upset it can get tricky. The more thought you put into your words, so they understand, the more you are demonstrating patience. If you start yelling that will accomplish nothing. If you can’t make your point, you have to simply lead. You have to ask her to follow and trust what you want. Ask her to trust you even when she can’t understand why you want her to do something and ask her gently.”
Dalton took the stick back. He had one more question. “Why do you say lead her? If she has her mind set isn’t she going to just ignore me?”
Chad held his hand back out. “When you talk to the woman you love gently, she will follow you anywhere. She will want to understand you because you have tried to understand her. There may be things that you won’t get, but the fact that you tried shows you love her. Who doesn’t want to be loved?”
Chad handed the stick back to Dalton. He smiled and gave it to Wyatt. “There has to be some things in marriage that are a bit harder to show kindness in. I mean in any relationship when do you know that kindness is not how you should proceed? When do you know in any relationship that your love is being taken advantage of?”
All three men looked at Wyatt. Dalton held out his hand surprising everyone. Wyatt gave him the stick. “There are times that God will say it is ok to walk away. I do believe when a person is married that God is not going to just release that person. If you are seeking answers from God and He is giving them. You have to follow them and trust in Him. He needs to be enough to sustain you for that time. You are not released from any relationship until God says you are. If you try to walk away and it doesn’t feel right. It probably means it isn’t. The thing you have to ask yourself is if God truly is enough. If He is the lover of our souls, He should be, but we have to choose to let Him. I have been praying for you and Kelly since I stitched her up in the ER. She was your girlfriend I don’t know any of the other dynamics of your relationship, but I do know what God has laid on my heart to pray for. I pray daily for her safety and your patience. I have been doing that for months now.”
Dalton handed the stick back to Wyatt. The man looked at Dalton. “Thanks for praying. What you said helps.”
Wyatt handed the stick back to Chad. “Love does not build itself up while putting another down. It doesn’t brag. Braggarts only do so because of insecurity. You have to be confident of your love. You should be pure enough in how you show love to let your actions speak for themselves. If you need to brag, take a look at what you have been doing and correct it. You are deficient, and that is not how to keep a marriage a happy place.”
David took the stick from Chad. “Love is never afraid to admit a wrong. Love will not allow pride to keep a person from saying sorry. When pride stops a person from owning a wrong they have done it is destructive. Love is not afraid to grow and change owning your flaws will help you do that. Pride keeps a person from acknowledging their sin. I have always thought of fear and pride as holding hands. It is the fear of seeming wrong that prevents a person from admitting that they have hurt their spouse. They know deep down inside they are wrong, but they would rather stay right where they are than admit that. Love is so secure that it will admit wrong. It will be brave and choose to grow. The kind of pride this is talking about is not courageous but cowardice. Havi
ng so much pride in being right will make it so that you either can’t or won’t see how wrong you are. The end will destroy your marriage. You may stay married until death, but you will not have a spouse that is as whole as God wants her to be. You will destroy the one you promised to cherish, and your pride will keep you from admitting it. If you allow this kind of pride into your love you are not strong but weak and everyone but you will see it.”
Vince accepted the stick. He looked at the men. “Love puts your wife in a place of honor. Love does not make her earn that place it just is. It is because she is the one you chose to love that no one must be able to touch that place. Love will never dishonor the one you promised to cherish. Love will understand that everyone has flaws. Love will not speak ill to anyone about his wife. Love will protect his wife from the ramblings of a fool. He will only seek Godly advice from someone who embodies love. Love will find a way to show honor even when she is wrong.”
Brock took the stick. He actually thought he understood what the men were saying and had no questions. He looked over at Dalton and handed it to him. Dalton felt the same way and gave it to Wyatt. Wyatt did have one question. “I just want to clarify the one about honor. We should do our best not to speak ill of those we love, but if we have to, we should only do so with someone that would give us advice from God’s word.”
Vince put his hand out. “We are human, and we do need help sometimes. If all you are going to do is put your spouse down, you are showing her no honor at all. If you are honestly trying to understand or just need someone to be quiet so you can vent you are doing your best to show her respect. That is showing her honor.”
Wyatt nodded and then gestured for Chad to take back the stick. Chad looked around. “Why don’t we finish tomorrow night? I say we bust out the chocolate graham crackers and marshmallows.”
Wyatt looked at Dalton and smiled. “One thing you need to know about Misty and smores she will eat every one of them she can as fast as she can.”
Dalton laughed. “Where does she put it?”
Brock chuckled. “I don’t think she cares as long as she can have the most. She is downright greedy with them.”
“She ate so many one time she was sick as a dog” Chad spoke up as he sat beside them with the bag of chocolate.
The men spent the next couple of hours just having fun and enjoying being together. Vince and David talked and got to know each other better. It was apparent that this family no matter how different could work.
