It seems like that happened a million years ago and maybe to someone else altogether.
Is that possible?
I bury my hand in the cool sand and stumble upon a shell which is smooth like glass on the inside. Spinning it around in my fingers, I think about Nicholas.
I miss him much more than I want to admit.
I miss his lips. I miss his touch.
But the thing that I miss most is his presence.
There’s a calmness to him. Whatever I might be going through, I’d feel like it was going to be okay just because he was there.
All I want to do now is just tell him about everything that has happened. He was the one who was supposed to be here when I met my real mother. He was the one that found her.
My phone vibrates in my pocket.
It’s Josephine.
I’m tempted to not answer. I reach to press the ‘ignore’ button.
“Hi, sorry I left so suddenly,” I say, changing my mind.
“No, that’s okay, I totally understand,” she says, somewhat distracted.
“Please tell Byron and Ellen that I’ll see them soon,” I say, feeling bad that I didn’t say a proper goodbye to them.
“I will, don’t worry,” she says quietly. I wait for her to continue but she doesn’t.
“Is everything okay, Josephine?” My heart jumps into my chest.
What has happened now?
I don’t know how much bad news I can take.
“Nicholas called,” she says.
30
Olive
When I have to make a decision…
I don’t think I’ve heard her correctly. My skin gets flushed.
Nicholas? My Nicholas? He called her?
“Olive, you there?”
“Yes,” I mumble.
“Did you hear me?”
“Yes, of course,” I say.
How? Why? What? A hundred questions rush through my head at once, but my mouth doesn’t formulate a single one out loud.
“I’m not sure if you want to hear this but I didn’t want to keep anything from you,” she says.
“What? What did he say?”
“He said he wants to talk to you, but he has a new number. Do you want to know what it is?”
“Yes, go ahead.” I fumble with my phone.
I don’t have anything to write it down with but I manage to open the notepad on my phone and type it in.
“There’s one more thing, Olive.”
“Uh-huh.”
“He said this number will only work until noon Pacific time. I’m not sure what that means, but that’s what he said.”
After we hang up, I stare at the number until it’s burned into my memory. Noon is only forty-five minutes away.
I walk around in circles trying to decide what I want to do.
Five minutes ago it was a no-brainer, but now I’m having trouble deciding.
Maybe we broke up for a reason.
Maybe I shouldn’t call him.
Maybe the fact that we haven’t been able to speak to each other was a blessing.
My hands shake as I dial the number.
“Hi,” I whisper when he answers the phone.
“Olive? Is that you?!” Nicholas’ voice is excited and frantic at the same time.
A gust of wind sweeps over me and under my sweater. In less than a second, it chills me to the bone.
“How did you get her number?” I ask even though I already know the answer.
“I had that folder for a long time,” he says.
“Yes, of course,” I mumble.
There’s a long pause and another gust of wind comes through.
I can’t hear him very well and I don’t want to stay out here much longer. I climb to my feet and push my way to the car.
“How are you?” I ask.
“I’m fine. How did everything go with your mother?”
“She’s perfect.”
“Really?”
“She is so much more than I ever expected. She was so…happy to see me.”
“That’s great,” Nicholas says. “I’m very happy for you. You deserve that after…”
Given everything I have done, I’m not so sure I deserve her but I appreciate him saying so anyway.
Inside the car, his voice is crisp and clear. He asks me more about Josephine and I tell him about all of the good parts.
When he asks about Owen, I gloss over the bad parts. I don’t want to make this about him.
I don’t want Owen to pollute one more thing in my life.
“Tell me about yourself,” I say. “How are you? Where are you?”
There’s a pause on the other end followed by a deep sigh.
“I saw you on the news,” I say. “And online.”
“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Seems like everyone is looking for me.”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“I think it’s better if I don’t,” he says.
We don’t speak for a few moments.
After a few more, the silence is unbearable.
I want to see him. I want to have this conversation in real life. I want to touch him. I want to make sure that he’s still alive.
“Olive, I called you because I wanted to apologize again for everything that I did. All the lies. All the half truths. You deserve a much better man than I am.”
Tears start to well up in my eyes. It sounds an awful lot like a final goodbye.
“It’s okay. I mean, it’s not okay but it can be,” I whisper through my sobs.
“I just wanted to tell you that in case…things don’t end well for me.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that.”
“It’s a very real possibility.”
“No, it’s not. You have to keep fighting. You have to keep going.”
“It’s hard. If I want a chance at making a clean getaway, I need to cut all ties,” he says with a long sigh.
“Then do that.”
“I did, but my thoughts kept coming back to you. That’s why I reached out to Josephine. I thought that maybe you met with her and she would have your number. But it was a stupid thing to do, Olive. That’s the kind of thing that’s going to get me arrested or killed.”
I want to tell him to never call me again.
I want to tell him that to protect himself but I can’t make myself do it.
“I keep thinking about you, too,” I say after a moment.
“What do we do now?” he asks.
“Where are you?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Yes, of course. I knew that.”
“It’s nothing personal. It’s just for my own safety.”
“Is that why this phone number won’t work after noon?”
“Yes,” he says. “I’m using a burner that I’m going to throw away when we hang up. I wanted to talk to you but I didn’t want Josephine or anyone else to have a way to reach me or find me.”
This all makes sense but it also makes my heart ache. The more we talk about logistics the more I realize that I will probably never see him again.
“Can I trust you, Olive?” Nicholas asks after another long pause.
“Yes, of course.”
“Does anyone know where you are?”
I shake my head.
“Olive? I can’t hear you.”
“Of course, no, sorry. I’m not home right now. I’m on the road actually, I needed to clear my head.”
“That’s good. How do you feel about taking a long car trip?” he asks.
31
Olive
When I have to make a decision…
After we hang up, I stop by Walmart and buy two phones. One is cheap and disposable that I’m going to use to call him and the second is a regular smartphone that I can use to go online and check my email among other things. I write down all of the important numbers in my original phone before I leave it in my rental house.
I don’t kno
w if all of these precautions are necessary but I don’t want to take anymore risks than absolutely necessary. I have no intentions of leading the police or anyone else to Nicholas.
I just want to see him one last time.
The drive north is long but breathtaking. I drive from the Southern California desert through Las Vegas and then through Utah.
There I come upon sweeping mountain ranges whose tips are already blanketed in snow. I love the wild out here. And the silence.
I drive for miles seeing no towns or people except for a few fellow drivers.
In another life, I would have probably been afraid of being so alone, but not now.
All of the nature and the lack of humanity puts me at ease. Suddenly, I can breathe a little easier.
When I get out of Utah, I drive into Idaho where the forests get thicker and the trees get taller. When I stop for some gas, I see a bald eagle circling overhead and I watch him for a while until she flies away.
I don’t have that much more to go but I know that I can’t make it tonight. Besides, I’m not sure if I’m ready to see Nicholas again for the first time, at night. I’m exhausted and I need some rest.
I pull into a Motel 6 and pay for a night through bulletproof plexiglass. The room is nice enough, simple without any detail whatsoever.
I drop my bag off on the bed and head straight to the shower. The warm water feels nice on my skin and I lather my hair with the shampoo that I brought from home.
When I turn off the water, I hear a loud meowing sound coming from outside. Since the sun has dipped below the horizon, the weather has gotten much colder and I hope that cat has somewhere warm to sleep.
I wrap my hair in a towel and plop onto one of the beds. It’s springy but hard enough, and at least the pillows look new. As I skip around the channels, I hear the meow again.
Again.
And again.
I put on my pajama pants, socks, and boots along with a thick sweater and a hat. The motel is a double decker with the door of each room going straight outside.
My room is on the bottom floor and right on the edge, so I walk around the side to see where the sound is coming from. I spot a little white and gray kitten hiding underneath a piece of cardboard.
Without another thought I scoop him up and take him inside.
“What are you doing out there all by yourself?” I ask him, wrapping my arms around him. He seems to like it because he immediately starts to purr.
“You must be so hungry and cold,” I say, petting him softly.
My parents didn’t believe in pets (their actual statement, whatever the fuck that means) and that’s why we never had any pets growing up.
After warming up in my arms, the kitten starts to meow again. I pour a little water into a bowl. He takes a few licks and then meows again.
“Okay, let’s get some food,” I say, putting on my coat and covering my wet hair with a hat.
Luckily, there’s a convenience store at the gas station right across the street. Not wanting to leave him alone in the room or to put him outside, I take him with me.
I pick out some milk and canned tuna before I stumble upon the pet food aisle and just grab a few of their nicest cans of cat food to last him a few days. I grab a salad and a bag of pretzels for myself along with a can opener.
Back at the motel, after we both eat, we curl up together and fall asleep.
The following morning, Solly jumps on me around five in the morning and wakes me up meowing again, begging for more food. I crack open another can of food and get back in bed.
It’s almost checkout time when I wake up again to a horrible smell permeating throughout the room.
“Oh, shit,” I say, pinching my nose shut with my hand. I had completely forgotten that he would need somewhere to go to the bathroom and I didn’t get him anything even resembling a litter box.
Solly looks up at me with a puzzled look on his face.
“Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble. I’m the one who’s the moron here,” I reassure him.
There are no cleaning supplies or supplies of any kind so I do what I can with some paper towels and hand soap.
After straightening my hair to not make it look so much like a bird’s nest after sleeping on it wet last night, I put on some makeup and throw my stuff back into my bag. Not realizing that I have no intentions of leaving him behind, Solly sits by the front door giving me the biggest sad eyes I’ve ever seen.
“Of course you’re coming with me, you silly kitty,” I say, scooping him up into my arms. “But I think you might regret your decision. We’re going to be in a car for a while.”
32
Olive
When we go see him…
Taking a road trip is something of a rite of passage in America.
It involves leaving home, usually somewhere out east, and exploring a world outside of your comfort zone while traveling through big cities and small towns, traversing bridges and dusty roads.
One of the most beautiful things about it is that it embodies what life is about, the journey rather than the destination. It’s about going somewhere but it's also about the process of getting there.
In my case, I have a faint idea of where I am going but not what is going to happen when I get there. Nicholas and I are no longer together and this is not going to be a rekindling of our relationship.
I’m going there to see him one more time. I want to make things right between us but not return to the way they were before.
I’m not foolish enough to think that we will ever be those people again.
Around noon, I drive around a huge lake whose waters sparkle in the sunlight. I can’t help but pull over and take a selfie. Solly, who has been sitting in my lap since we left the motel, gets nervous by the sudden change of environment.
“It’s okay, I’m not leaving,” I say. “I’m just taking a picture.”
I try to make one where we could be in it together but he refuses to cooperate.
A few hours later, I see the sign for Hungry Horse Reservoir. I drive over a small bridge and go toward the campgrounds down a gravel road that seems to go on forever. The road is lined on both sides by towering pine trees which on occasion, are interspersed with meadows.
“Am I even going the right way?” I ask Solly who simply purrs in response.
I check the gas tank. At least, I have enough to drive back out in case I’m going the wrong direction.
I pass the first campground and keep going. It’s further down. Ten slow miles later, I come upon a clearing.
I drive up there and look down at the reservoir below. Under the cloudless, bright blue sky, the water looks like it’s dotted with millions of diamonds.
I leave Solly in the car and get out. I walk past a few pine trees and that's when I see him, sitting with his back to me on a makeshift picnic table.
He’s wearing a tight, long sleeve shirt which shows off every muscle in his back.
Somehow, I had managed to forget how sexy he is and seeing him again takes me by surprise.
Okay, deep breaths, I say to myself. I start to have doubts.
What if this was a big mistake? What if I shouldn’t be here?
Before I realize what I’m doing, I turn around on my heel and start to walk away.
It’s not that it feels wrong to be here, I’m just not sure if I can handle saying goodbye to him again.
I step on a twig that snaps with a loud crunching sound.
“Olive? Olive?” He rushes over to me.
Wrapping his arms around me, I stand here for a few moments feeling his breath on the back of my neck.
I turn around slowly, wanting this moment to last as long as possible.
“You came,” he says in disbelief.
“You’re here,” I whisper.
I want him to kiss me. I want to kiss him myself but the moment passes and we both pull away.
“It’s so nice to see you.”
“You, too,” I say.
/> “Why were you…leaving?” he asks.
“Um.” I struggle to find the right way to say it. “I actually need to check on my cat.”
He tilts his head to the side. I point to the car and show him my little friend.
As soon as I open the door, Nicholas takes him into his arms and Solly starts to purr. He pets him lovingly over and over again.
“I found him outside of the motel last night. He was really cold and hungry.”
“Oh, no, I’m so sorry, little guy. Well, you’re here now and nothing bad is going to happen to you again.”
Our eyes meet when he says that.
I take a deep breath. I wish he would say the same thing about himself. When we look at each other for a little bit too long, I am the first to look away.
“C’mon, let me show you around,” he says.
I walk over to the RV and look out at the lake below. I can see the other side of the lake but not the expanse of it to the left or right of me.
“This place is huge,” Nicholas says. “I’ve explored some of it and I’ve only gone around a few bends. That was before I looked up the map and realized exactly how big it is.”
“It's beautiful,” I say, looking at the hawk circling overhead.
He turns my attention to his RV. It’s not one of those massive rigs popular with musicians who tour all over the country but it’s nice. When I step on the stairs, Nicholas extends his hand to help me inside and a surge of electricity rushes through me.
There’s a small kitchen to the left facing a dining room table. The driver’s seat is to the right and on the far left side there’s a pop-out with a queen-sized bed.
“Wow, you have everything here,” I say, looking at the door leading into the bathroom. “I’ve never been inside one of these before.”
“I like it,” he says. “It makes me appreciate the simple things in life.”
Out of the window, I see an older model Honda Accord.
“That’s my car,” he explains.
“Do you own this, too?”
“No, this was here. It’s a rental, a temporary arrangement.”
Tell me to Fight Page 12
