by Lori L. Otto
“We were different people ten years ago, even one year ago. Don’t live in the world of what-could’ve-been. Just live in the now, Em.”
She sits quietly next to me, as if trying to form the right words to respond with. She takes my hand in hers, sits up straight, her eyes capturing me in a trance. “Love ya, Nate,” she says, another tear falling swiftly down her face.
“Oh, Emi,” I say, overcome with my own emotions. I stand up and pick her up to hug her, kiss her. “I love you, too, Emi. God, do I love you.” I twirl her around, scattering the leaves under my feet. She wraps her legs around me as we embrace and kiss for a few more minutes. When the kisses become a little too passionate, Teresa clears her throat.
“Always you!” I joke with her. “Why do you always have to interrupt?”
“Sorry,” she says. “Not the right place. Let’s take some posed pictures. Go sit back on the bench.”
After posing for what seemed like a million pictures, Teresa tells us she got enough photos. “I’m going to head back to our apartment, Em,” she announces. “See you...”
“Tomorrow,” Emi says, looking at me and smiling.
“That was a great idea, Em,” I tell her. “Our kids are going to love this story.”
“Let’s not think about kids right now,” she says. “I’m going to want a lot of time alone with you.”
“I can certainly live with that,” I assure her.
“Let’s walk a little more, watch the sunset.”
“Okay.” I put my arm around her since the air is getting cooler as the shadows begin to take over. After another half-hour, I suggest going to get some coffee. She looks at her watch and agrees.
“Are we on a schedule?”
“No,” she says, trying to hide a smile.
“I don’t believe you, but that’s okay.”
While we are at the cafe, she gets a few text messages, but is careful not to let me see. I don’t bother to ask, either.
“You ready to go?” she asks.
“Where?”
“Back to your apartment.”
“And then where?”
“That’s it,” she says. “We aren’t leaving there until tomorrow morning... or afternoon... or maybe the next day.”
“Perfect,” I tell her. “I couldn’t have planned this better myself.” She smiles and takes my hand, leading me out of the coffee shop.
We say hello to Marcus as we walk into my building and head toward the elevator. Once the door closes, just the two of us inside, I lean into her and kiss her again. When we reach the twelfth floor, I pick her up, wrap her legs around my body and carry her to the door. Unable to find my keys, I put Emi down to search my pockets until I find them.
As the door opens, I am greeted by an onslaught of friends, family members and a dozen birthday wishes. I look at Emi, confused.
“Later,” she whispers in my ear, knowing the exact question that was filling my mind. “Your mom wanted to do this, and I couldn’t say no.”
“I curse my mother,” I say under my breath, and Emi laughs. “Mom!” I smile, walking across the room with open arms to hug my mother.
James is there with Mom, next to Chris and Anna. Emi’s sister, Jennifer, is also there with her husband, Michael, and little Clara, who runs up to hug me. “Nate-Nate!” she exclaims. I pick her up and swing her around, locking eyes with Emi when I stop to put her down. We exchange a knowing glance. Emi’s mom and stepdad are also in attendance. Her mom always cared for me like a son.
“Thanks, everyone,” I say over the noise. “Can you excuse us for a second?” I pull Emi into the rarely-used guest bedroom and close the door. There are coats and bags strewn all over the room.
“Your whole family?” I ask. I’d often spent time at her parents’ homes on various birthdays and holidays, but they’d never come to my apartment before. I hadn’t seen many of them in over a year.
“Not everyone,” she says. “My dad would have come, but my stepmother’s sister is in the hospital.”
“But why?” I ask, not bothered, but simply curious.
“Your mom invited everyone,” she explained quietly. “I think they’re all caught up in... us. I think this is more a celebration of that than your birthday. Can you share?”
“I’ll share my birthday, sure... but it’s just me and you tonight, right? I don’t want to share my alone time with you... no one’s staying here, right?”
“No, they’re all going home after the party.”
“Thank God,” I tell her with relief. We walk back into the open area of the loft where the party is underway. I look around to see who I missed at first glance. Eric and Jason, my band mates and friends, are also there, as are Kate and her boyfriend, Albert and Cherry, and Shannon. Teresa and Bradley, her firefighter boyfriend, are in the back, and she’s still aiming the camera in my direction. I wave to the camera.
Mom has hired a waitstaff, of course, so there are two men in tuxes carrying around trays of hors d’oeuvres and champagne. I mingle with everyone, Emi at my side, catching up with people I haven’t seen in weeks, months, some even years. They all wish me a happy birthday, but are more congratulatory on my relationship with Emi. “We knew it would happen eventually,” most people tell us.
I ask the waiters to take a glass of champagne around to everyone, and I take one for myself. When I see everyone is ready, I clear my throat to get their attention.
“First of all,” I start, “I want to thank everyone for coming tonight. I was definitely surprised... so thanks to you all, and thanks to Mom and Em for organizing it.” I lift my glass and sip, and everyone follows suit. “Secondly,” I continue, “I want to congratulate my friend Chris. I’m sure most of you know he got engaged to his beautiful girlfriend, Anna, over the weekend.” Everyone raises their glass to them, shouting congratulatory messages, and drinks. “I couldn’t be happier for you both.”
“Thanks,” Chris says. “And right back at you, man,” he adds. “To Nate and Emi.”
“To Nate and Emi,” Jennifer says. “Honestly, we didn’t think two soul mates could spend their lives apart, but we were beginning to think you were both going to prove us all wrong.”
“To Emi,” I say, “for taking the leap. I promise, it will be worth it.”
“To Nate,” she counters, “I hope your birthday is everything you expected and more.”
“I’ll drink to that,” I tell her, winking at her. At that point, I’m just anxious for everyone to leave. Our parents are the first to go, followed closely by Kate, Albert, Shannon and their guests. After the two waiters leave, Michael walks over to the couch to lift up a sleeping Clara, and he and Jennifer wish us a good night. We make plans to babysit Emi’s niece one weekend the following month, to give them some time to themselves. Eric and Jason invite us to join them for drinks at a bar down the street, but we take a raincheck. Teresa snaps one last picture and takes her boyfriend by the hand, leading him out of the apartment.
Chris and Anna stay behind for a bit, until Emi whispers something to Anna. She laughs and stands up, taking Chris’s hand. “It’s getting late,” she says to her fiancé.
“Right,” he says. “Thanks, Em, for getting us all together. That was fun.”
“Thanks for coming,” she tells him.
“Happy birthday, Nate,” he shakes my hand.
“Thanks for coming,” I repeat to them both, opening the door for them and then closing it softly behind them. I walk to the stereo and turn off the random party mix and choose a more soothing playlist of Zero 7 albums.
“It’s eleven-thirty,” Emi says. “Still your birthday, but we don’t have much time.”
“We’re not going to rush this, Em,” I tell her, taking her into my arms and kissing her cheek.
“But I promised, on your birthday,” she says, her arms holding my body to hers. “And I kind of can’t wait...”
“Are you just that impatient?” I laugh.
“Maybe a little,” she blushes, ki
cking off her shoes.
“Too bad,” I tell her. “I want to savor this night, take in every detail.”
“I bet I can change your mind,” she says, taking off her shirt and modestly covering herself with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
“I’m not an animal,” I remind her. “I have some self-control.”
“Really?” she asks, taking a deep breath and unclasping her bra, sliding the straps down her arms, leaving the bra to succumb to gravity and hit the floor softly. Her cheeks grow crimson as her eyes move from the floor to meet mine.
“Some...” I say, my eyes lingering on her body. I walk toward her and cup her breasts into my hands. She reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair. I kiss her neck, then her lips. She takes my shirt and pulls it over my head. She scrapes her fingernails lightly over my chest.
“Come with me,” I tell her, taking her by the hand to the jacuzzi. I lean over and turn on the faucet, filling the tub with warm water.
“I do love the jacuzzi,” she reminds me.
“I know you do...” I unbutton her jeans and slowly pull them to the ground, helping Emi to step out of them, my hands lingering on each calf muscle. She does the same to my pants. I kneel down and kiss her hips, then her stomach. Slowly, I ease her panties from her waist and they drop to the floor. She steps out of them and stands before me, blushing again as I watch her fidget. I hold my breath, in awe of her perfect body, perfect for me. I stand up to kiss her, and as I do, she pulls the boxers from my waist. She touches me softly, eliciting an immediate response. She lifts an eyebrow and smiles.
“Are we really doing this?” she asks.
“We are,” I answer. “We definitely are.”
“Are you sure–” I cut her off with a kiss. I can feel the corners of her mouth turn up.
“Get in the tub, Emi,” I order with a whisper into her ear, nibbling on it after the words came out. As she turns around, I allow my hands to explore her backside, from her shoulders all the way down to her hips. She steps into the jacuzzi and quickly dips her breasts below the water line, shy, demure. My Emi...
“Fuck, you’re beautiful. Don’t hide.” I follow closely behind and turn on the jets. We both kneel on the bottom of the tub, facing each other, the water coming about mid-way up my chest. Our hands explore each others bodies under the water as we kiss. Every touch makes me want her more, and each kiss amplifies the feelings of desire. I pick her up, and her legs wrap around my torso. She holds on to the edge of the tub, arching her back, allowing me to kiss her breasts, to begin to realize all of my wildest fantasies. Her body begins to move against mine and her breathing becomes deeper, louder. Her legs envelop me tighter.
“You are driving me crazy, Emi,” I tell her, moving my lips back up to her neck. I take her earlobe in my mouth and suck gently, remembering the response I got from this action last time.
“Nate,” she gasps. “It’s so good... when you touch me...”
That’s it, I can’t hold back any longer. I want her so badly... “I love you, Emi,” I remind her, overcome with my hunger for her.
“Oh, Nate,” she responds. I pull her up so that her lips reach mine. We look into each other’s eyes. There is no doubt in hers this time, and none in my mine. She gasps briefly as we are completely taken by each other.
I hold her tighter, pull in deeper as she calls my name over and over and over. Her voice, saying my name, awakens every part of me, every cell that has ever yearned for this woman. Just like my fantasies, only this time it’s real... and how good she feels... around me...
“Nate... Nate...” She grasps my shoulder, squeezing tightly. It feels so good... so good... Completely incensed by her fragrance, I lose myself in her and feel the release coming.
“God, baby, I love you.” My body shudders rhythmically as her hands begin to release me and slide down my arms. I never want this to end... am sad that it has to... take my time leaving her, and feel her immediate absence when I pull out. I tuck my head over her shoulder to breathe, calm... Embracing her fully, I kiss her neck. “Did you come, too?” I breathe in her ear, my hands exploring the soft skin of her naked back.
“Not exactly,” she says. I pull away sharply, the smile immediately replaced with concern. I study her eyes curiously. “Um...” she says shyly. “I was trying to get your attention... that’s why I was saying your name.”
“Fuck, Emi... oh, fuck, I’m sorry.” I back off a little more, nervously run my fingers through my hair. “Are you okay?”
“Umm,” she hesitates. “I probably should have mentioned this before, but I’m not on the pill, Nate.”
“What?”
She just shakes her head. “I’m not. I was hoping you’d pull out.”
“Emi, I am so sorry... I thought...” I stammer, having no clue what to say or how to explain my thoughtless actions. “I didn’t realize...”
“It’s alright,” she says. “I’m sure it’s fine.”
“You should have spoken up, Em,” I tell her, concerned.
“I tried... It seemed like you were enjoying yourself...” Enjoying myself? Didn’t she say that about Colin? “I didn’t want to ruin it for you.” Her tone isn’t angry.
Ruin it? She was calling my name to tell me to stop. I fucking ruined it! “Oh, shit...” The reality of the situation crashes down hard and quickly. “I mean, I just assumed you’d be on birth control.”
“No. I just assumed you’d pull out.”
“Shit! Fuck, oh, my god, Emi. I do love you, you know that.” I tell her this as if there is any doubt of my feelings for her. I know she doesn’t doubt me. Am I trying to convince myself?
“Nate, just stop,” she laughs, shaking her head again and shrugging her shoulders. “I mean, I’m sure it’s okay!”
“Oh, god, Emi, no, it’s not... I was... fuck... I should have been listening to you. I just thought... shit, I don’t know what to say, Em, I’m so sorry.” I was only thinking about myself... just say it... you know it’s true.
“Nate, trust me, it’s fine, really...” she smiles as she takes my arms and pulls herself closer to me in the water. She kisses my unmoving lips. “The chances are pretty slim, right? I’m sure we’re worrying about nothing. And I’ll get on the pill right away. I’ll go to the doctor this week, I promise. We just need to be careful in the meantime.”
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
“Sure, Em, yeah. I’ll be more careful. I’m sorry...”
“They have those morning after pills...” she says with reservation.
“Do you think that’s necessary?” I say after a few moments of careful thought, pushing a strand of wet hair behind her ear.
“I don’t know... do you?”
“I don’t like the idea of those, Emi. I would never suggest that.”
“Yeah, I’m sure we’re worrying about nothing.” She stares over my shoulder before shaking her head. “This is ridiculous, Nate, I’m sure it’s fine.”
I pause briefly, maybe a tad too long before answering. “Of course... yeah, sure it is, Em, of course.” Fuck!
She presses her lips against my cheek, forehead, chin, neck.
Fuck! How can she kiss me like this? I fucked her like I have fucked all the other women in my life. I just blocked out her tiny voice for my own gratification. No, I didn’t even do that. I heard her, and assumed she was calling my name out of pleasure. Fucking arrogant. Pathetic. I have treated her exactly like those women before her, the ones that meant nothing, the ones I only thought I loved.... and Emi is the only woman I’ve truly ever loved... and I don’t know how to take back my despicable behavior. I wouldn’t know how to make this okay. Grow the fuck up, man!
“Emi, about what happened...”
“I mean it, Nate, it’s fine! I’m fine... but a little unsatisfied,” she says through her constant smile... “but fine...”
“Of course,” I blush. Our first time together since I got home, and I really couldn’t fuck this up any worse. She puts her arm
s around me and kisses me, deeper. I breathe her in and succumb to her scent again, feeling her soft, warm skin under my hands. To leave her unsatisfied... well, it’s just not an option. It’s the only thing I know I can make good on at this point. I can’t leave her unsatisfied tonight. I won’t.
“Emi, let me take you to bed... and make this up to you,” I whisper through kisses.
“Yes, please,” she says with a playful grin, looking at me under hooded lids, standing up gracefully in front of me. Instinctually drawn to her– because she’s Emi or because she’s just a woman, I can’t discern– I grasp her hips tightly and kiss her between her legs.
“Nate,” she sighs quietly. “Please, my knees are already weak,” she laughs. “Take me to bed.”
I stand up quickly, handing her a towel as I help her out of the jacuzzi. “I’ll just be a second,” I tell her as I close the bathroom door behind her.
My palms on the counter, I lean into the mirror and force myself to look. “Fucking asshole!” I whisper under my breath. This is Emi Hennigan... the woman you’ve pined over for thirteen fucking years. What the fuck are you thinking? You can not treat her like this. This isn’t just sex, this isn’t fucking. I love this woman.
I feel so much more than lust for her, but in that jacuzzi... it was the only thing I could feel. I pick up a tube of toothpaste and throw it in the water with as much force as I can muster. She’s delicate, precious, everything I want to love and protect and cherish, and I fucked her.
How fucking arrogant am I to think she was calling my name out of passion? She was trying to get me to stop!
I didn’t know that I could feel anything as strong as my love for Emi... but right now, the hate I’m feeling for myself is just as powerful.
“Nate,” she calls from beyond the door. “I’m waiting.” Her voice is soft, light, playful. She shouldn’t love me. She should hate me. She shouldn’t want me like she does.
