by Lori L. Otto
“Nate, I don’t know why God decided it was your time... or why He couldn’t take me with you. Some days I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle it... so if you can, watch out for me... and give me some strength when I need it. You always did when you were here... you made me stronger, better, made me love more than I ever thought possible.
“And if our child is up there with you, if that little girl in the dream was real, please take care of her and let her know that I love her, and that I’m so sad I’ll never get to meet her in this life. Someday, though... I hope to know her.”
I turn through a few more pages in the album, laughing at some of the funnier moments, sometimes unable to distinguish between the happy and sad tears. The last page are two candids of us walking, holding hands, one from the front, the other from the back. On the latter, our bodies are in silhouette against the setting sun. Walking toward the light... there’s no use in asking God again why I had to stay while he left.
“Goodbye, Nate,” I tell him, now beginning to sob. Goodbye Emi and Nate. Goodbye to the time we shared, the love we exchanged. He is gone, and I am forever changed, different... never the same Emi. In a sense, I am gone, too.
“Love ya, Nate.” In my mind, I only hear silence. I kneel by the marker and fold the tie, tucking it underneath the metal plate. I loved the tie, but I loved it on him. He never looked more handsome than when he was wearing that tie. Without him, it’s really just a nice piece of fabric. He should have been wearing it when... I can’t even finish the thought.
I close the album and begin to stand up, turning around to find my brother. He sees me across the cemetery and walks quickly toward me to offer his support. He hugs me when he reaches me, and says nothing. We are both silent as we drive back to his apartment, forty minutes away.
~ * ~
A few weeks later, after having my leg cast removed, I decide to take the train into the city that I’ve missed so desperately. I love Manhattan. I miss the sounds and the smells and the people... and I really can’t wait to get back there.
I realize I’ll probably be forced to take a cab at some point, but I want to walk as much as possible to work the muscles in my leg a little. It still hurts when I put weight on it, but is infinitely more comfortable without the heavy cast.
Bummed that Teresa isn’t at the apartment, I just leave her a cheeky note and tell her I’ll come back later in the day. I go back downstairs and wander around the periphery of Nate’s apartment building, considering going in. Marcus sees me and waves me in.
“Hey, sweetie, how are you doing?” he asks, sympathetic.
“I’m hanging in there,” I tell him. “You?”
“I miss him. I miss his stories, his energy. He was a good guy.”
“Yeah, he was.”
“Did you want to go up?”
“No, I didn’t bring the key.”
“I can get you one...” I consider the offer, but decide against it. “Not yet, I don’t think. But I’ll be back.”
“I hope so, Emi. You’re welcome anytime.” I wonder if he knows that Donna gave me the apartment. I’m guessing he knows. I think she had paperwork drawn... I was a little out of it that day, though, just signed on the line mindlessly.
I continue to walk south on Fifth Avenue, going into a few shops along the way. My clothes aren’t fitting well, so I purchase some new jeans and t-shirts. When I look through the bags as I amble down the street, I realize everything I purchased is either black or grey. Guess that fits my mood.
“Emi?” a man’s voice says to me as I feel a hand on my arm.
“Oh, hey, Colin.” I’m repulsed at the mere sight of him.
“I’m glad I ran into you,” he says.
I remember the last night he and I were together.
Colin had an insatiable appetite for sex, something I was well aware of, and something I naively thought I was satisfying for the nearly four months that we dated. We spent at least five nights a week together, all that time, and every night, I obliged to his increasingly strange sexual requests of me. He was into things I had never tried, and I had decided to just go along with it, most of the time, for the experience. I didn’t always enjoy it, but he did. I was making him happy. That knowledge was about the only thing I got out of the relationship. It was very lopsided. To this day, I don’t know what drove me to date him for as long as I did. I didn’t love him. In fact, I was astonished that I could be so intimate with him, and not really feel any real emotional connection. At the time, I thought it was very adult of me... I felt as if I was coming into my own. The more time that passed, though, I just became more and more disappointed in myself, vowing to never have another boyfriend like that one. And I won’t. For more reasons than one.
I still shudder at the thought of that last night we were together. We had been drinking– like always– and we went back to my apartment. Teresa had made plans to go out of town for the weekend, so Colin and I decided to stay at my place instead of his apartment that he shared with two other guys. The advantage to their place, though, was that they all had their own separate rooms... with doors... novel concept.
Colin was always a little rough with me when it came to sex. How could he not be, though? He was two-hundred-ten pounds of muscle. When he would pick me up, it was if I was completely weightless. But that night, as we turned on some rock music– his mood music– and settled into my bed to start making out, things started to go downhill, quickly. He had pulled my hands over my head and was constricting them at my wrists, hard. So hard that I knew I would have bruises to hide in the morning. I had been wearing a thin t-shirt, which he literally ripped open to reveal my breasts. More bruises on my neck. I asked him to slow down, to be a little more gentle with me as he kissed me, hard, pressed himself against me repeatedly, harder and harder. More bruises.
I stretched my fingers and flexed my wrists when he let go. He kneeled over me and quickly took off all of his clothes. Before I knew what was happening, he had flipped me over on my stomach. He finished taking off my shirt and threw it on the floor. I tried to turn back over to look at him, talk to him, but he pressed my shoulders into the bed. When I started to kick my legs, he pulled his feet in and rested them on my calves, stilling my motion. Leaning up, moving one hand to the middle of my back, pressing hard, he took off my panties.
“Colin, stop,” I had said, scared.
“Baby, what’s the matter?” he said. “I thought you liked it this way.”
“Colin,” I swallowed, feeling completely helpless with my situation. I couldn’t fight him. “Are you at least going to wear some protection?”
“Haven’t we been seeing each other long enough that we don’t need to do that anymore?” he asked.
“No. Colin, please stop, you’re scaring me.” I told him, still unable to make eye contact with him, which I always thought was necessary when he got rough. Without eye contact, I wasn’t sure he even respected me as another human being. His eyes would get wild, often angry.
“I know you want this,” he said as he leaned over me, his breath hot in my ear. “You’ve been flaunting yourself all night in that little skirt you were wearing.”
“No, I don’t want this.”
“What the fuck is going on?” Colin moved off of me quickly, covering himself with my sheets, leaving me lying there, exposed, in front of my roommate, who I couldn’t have been happier to see.
“I thought you said she was gone for the weekend,” he seethed.
“I missed the train,” Teresa said. “And I’m not going anywhere. So I suggest you go.”
“Come on, babe,” he said, dropping my sheets while he stood up, naked, and pulling me up with him. “We’ll go to my place.”
“Get your hands off me,” I said, pulling away with all the strength of my body. I propelled myself to the other side of the bed and grabbed the comforter off of it, wrapping it around me.
“Don’t act like you weren’t enjoying that just ‘cause she’s here,” he smi
led. “You don’t have to be embarrassed.”
“Hey, fucker!” Teresa yelled loud enough for our neighbors to hear. “Get the hell out of here!”
“What are you gonna do, bitch?” Colin smirked, picking up his clothes.
“Well, I’ve got friends at the police station, and I’ve got 9-1-1 on the phone right now. So what are you gonna do, bitch?” she retorted, holding her cell phone out to show him she was serious. Colin quickly dressed. Quickly left. I had hoped I’d never see him again.
“Why are you glad you ran into me?” I ask, taking careful steps away from him on the crowded sidewalk.
“I’ve missed you,” he says. “What happened to your arm?” he asks, gripping the part exposed above the cast.
“Car accident.”
“Man, that sucks.” Yeah, it does. It sucks far worse than you could imagine.
I nod in agreement. “Did you need something?” I ask, agitated.
“Can I see you again?”
“Are you kidding?” I let out a surprised laugh and start to walk away from him. He holds on to my arm tighter. I try to shake him off, but can’t. “Let go of me.”
“Come on,” he says, his hot breath on my neck, my stomach churning. “You know you liked it.”
“Frankly,” I tell him, “I’ve had better.”
“Bitch,” he says, pulling me closer to him, roughly. “Tease.”
“Colin, let go of me right now.” He starts to pull me with him as he continues his stroll down the street. I struggle with difficulty, feeling exhausted from all the activity. “Let me go, I mean it,” I tell him through gritted teeth.
“Emi, it is you!” a voice startles us both from behind. We both stop walking, turn around to see Chris’s friend, Jack, but Colin just stares, doesn’t let me go. I barely recognize him, dressed in sweatpants and a loose-fitting sleeveless grey t-shirt. “I don’t think we’ve met yet,” he says to Colin, extending a hand confidently. “I’m Jack, an old friend of Emi’s.”
“Mind your own fucking business, Jack,” Colin seethes.
“I’m pretty sure she asked you to let her go. Did I hear you right, Emi?” he asks, gaining my approval. Nervous for him, knowing Colin’s strength, I don’t know how to answer him. I don’t want him to get in the middle of this. My eyes just plead with his.
“You must have misunderstood,” Colin says, turning us away and pulling me farther down the street. Jack jogs in front of us, stopping us again.
“Let her go, man,” Jack says sternly. Colin has at least three inches on him... and I hadn’t noticed Jack’s arm muscles before, but even seeing them now, there was no comparison between his and my ex-boyfriend’s. When Colin doesn’t relent, Jack adds, “You’re on one of the busiest streets in the city. Do you think you can just walk away with her like that, unnoticed?”
“I don’t see anyone stopping me,” Colin boasts.
Jack straightens up, crosses his arms in front of him. “That’s what I’m doing.”
“Jack, just...” I plead. Jack doesn’t break eye contact with Colin.
“Yeah, and what are you going to do?”
“I guess I’m going to do whatever it takes to get her away from you,” he says, now getting visibly angry.
“Let’s go, man!” Colin says, still holding onto me but assuming an offensive posture.
“Really? Here?” Jack stalls. “You’ve drawn quite a crowd, and I’m pretty sure they’re going to side with the lady... and not the ass clown.”
In a split second, Colin pushes me into some of the guys who were standing around watching the scene unfold and lunges for Jack.
“Jack!” I scream, covering my mouth in fear, unsure of what I should do. Out of nowhere come two men from behind me, grabbing Colin by his shoulders and tackling him to the ground before he can get to Jack.
And all the while, Chris’s best friend is just standing there, confident, unwavering, ready to be beat to a pulp.
“Are you okay, miss?” one of the men that I fell into asks.
Stunned, I just nod my head. A few other men join the two tacklers and help Colin off the ground. Alone, none of them would have had a chance against him, but Colin knew he was outnumbered.
“Get the hell outta here,” the tallest of the four men says, pushing Colin down the street away from me. The small crowd that had formed claps at the spectacle they just witnessed.
“Do you know these guys?” a woman asks me, cautious.
“I know that one,” I say, pointing to Jack. “He’s safe.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive,” I smile, feeling my heart start to beat again.
“Jack to the rescue,” the tall one says.
“Another damsel in distress,” a shorter one laughs. He has dark hair and eyes the same color as Jack’s.
“Thanks, guys,” Jack says, shaking the others’ hands. “I know this one, though. This is Chris’s little sister.”
“Ahhh...” another says, disinterested.
“Wait, Chris’s sister? Isn’t she the one...” his voice fades intentionally.
“That’ll really get the adrenaline going,” Jack laughs, talking over the other man.
“That was so stupid,” I tell him.
“What was stupid?” he asks me. “I was in control of the situation the whole time. Those are my brothers,” he says, motioning to the two that tackled my ex, “Matthew and Steven... and that’s Thomas, my sister’s husband, and Lucas, Matty’s partner.”
“He could have hurt you.”
“He could have hurt you,” he says back to me. “Looked like he was going to. I wasn’t going to let that happen.”
I just stare, still in awe. His family starts discussing the altercation loudly as the crowd disperses.
“Thank you?” he asks.
I nod, realizing my legs are suddenly incredibly weak. “Thanks.” I stumble back into the wall of a shop behind me and drop the bags I was carrying.
“Whoa,” Jack says, coming toward me quickly. “You okay?”
“That was a little scary,” I breathe. “What just happened here?”
“Emi, you’re shaking,” he says. “Emi, look at me.” He shakes my shoulders gently.
“I feel like I’m going to faint,” I tell him, my breathing speeding up, my heart racing even faster. He puts his arm around me and helps me sit down on the sidewalk.
“Guys, go on without me. I’m going to make sure she makes it home and then I’ll catch up with you.”
“Alright, man,” I hear one of them say. My gaze is fixed on... nothing... somewhere in the distance.
He angles my face to his. “Emi, look at me.” Finally, my eyes focus again on his. “Are you okay?” He squats next to me, holding my shoulders to keep me steady.
Suddenly aware of my surroundings, I feel my face flush with heat. I inhale deeply.
“That’s good, you have some color again,” he says.
“Thank you,” I tell him.
“Who was that?”
“Just a guy I dated last year.”
“Wow,” he says, a little taken aback. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Why didn’t you fight back?” It’s a simple question, but one I have no immediate answer for. I repeat the question a few times in my head. Why didn’t I fight back?
“I’m still just... weak... and numb...” I tell him. “And honestly, it never occurred to me that I had a choice. That I could beat him. I’ve felt pretty helpless, for quite some time. Is that weird?”
“I wouldn’t call it weird,” he says. “Worrisome, though. You’ve got to have a little bit of self-preservation in there.” He touches the back of my hand. “After all, Emi... you’re a survivor.”
“Sometimes I feel so alone,” I confide in him weakly. “Sometimes I feel like no one’s paying any attention to what I do. I don’t think anyone really listens to my cries for help anyway.”
“Now I know that’s not true,” he says, finally
sitting down next to me. “Your brother would live and die for you. I’m sure the rest of your family feels the same, but I can only speak for Chris.”
“I know he would,” I concede. “I owe him so much.”
“He does it because he loves you. He does it because he wants to protect you. He does what any good older brother would do.”
“Is that what you did today?” I ask him, smiling. “What any good older brother would do?”
“That’s exactly what I did. I’m just glad I was around.”
“Where were you headed?”
“Central Park. We were going to play some flag football.”
“Well, please, Jack,” I urge him. “Please go catch up with them. I’m fine.” I lose my balance trying to get up and fall into him. “Sorry,” I say, trying to read his expression... Anticipation? Confusion? A smile slowly spreads across his face.
“Wow,” he sighs, seemingly out of breath.
“Wow what?” I laugh.
“You fell into me...” He shakes his head. “Wow, nothing. Let me help you up.” He stands and pulls me up, not letting go until he’s sure I’m steady on my own legs. He picks up my bags, the smile still lingering.
“What’s with the smile?”
“Really? You don’t know?” his smile falls slightly.
“No, I have no clue.” He looks at me, questioning me.
“It’s really nothing. Sorry.” He shrugs as his grin shifts to detached disappointment. “So, um, you’ve moved back to the city?”
“No, I’m just here for the day. I wanted to get out and see my home, my roommate... do a little shopping.”
“Well, where are you off to now?”
“Back to my apartment, I guess... see if Teresa’s around.”
“Where is that?”
“York and 74th.”
“Let me walk with you,” he offers.
“I’m okay, Jack, really. He’s gone.”
“I insist. It’s what any good older brother would do.”
“Okay then,” I acquiesce.
CHAPTER 4
It’s the middle of March and the casts are finally off! I feel free, in more ways than one. After staying with my brother for two months, I moved back into my old apartment yesterday. I owe Chris so much for everything he did for me. I don’t know how to repay him for the sacrifices he made. He used up all of his vacation time to stay with me, to make sure I was okay. He comforted me daily, listened to me cry myself to sleep nightly. He provided needed distractions, made sure I ate, prayed with me when I needed even more than he could give. I am lucky to have him for a brother.
