by Lori L. Otto
“Alright,” I concede.
“I hope you get along better with this cat than you did with the one you had when you were younger.”
“Well, I see you’ve declawed her, so we’re half-way there.”
He starts looking around at the clothing and accessories.
“You didn’t answer, is Jackie having boys, girls, or both?”
“One of each,” he tells me. I find a cute pink plaid dress for one bear and a matching blue plaid top for the other.
“Do we have a price limit here?” I ask.
“They don’t have diamond-encrusted watches for these things, do they?” he laughs. I shake my head. “Go crazy,” he says, still browsing. I eventually find matching shorts, socks and shoes for the bears. I finish them off with a Happy Birthday cupcake for the girl and a baseball for the boy. I lay everything out on the counter for Jack to approve.
“She’ll love them,” he comments, picking up the cupcake and baseball. “They’re actually quite perfect.”
“Well, thank you. I hope she likes them.”
“Here,” he says, handing me a gift box. “Make sure this one looks okay,” he says, urging me to open it.
As he pays, I take a look inside and pull out the Hello Kitty doll. He has taken the liberty of dressing her in one accessory.
She’s wearing a red tie.
“She’s perfect,” I smile.
Once all the animals are in their boxes, Jack leads me out of the store and up Fifth Avenue. I purposefully walk slowly, not wanting our day together to end so soon. The sun is just beginning its descent, and the shadows cast off of St. Patrick’s Cathedral make it look even more majestic than normal.
“I love that this church stands here in the middle of all these boring buildings. It really breaks up the monotony and makes me just want to stand in awe of it every time I pass it.”
Jack nods silently. Moving both boxes to one hand, he takes my free hand into his and begins to cross the street toward it. “Have you ever gone in?”
“It’s been years,” I tell him. “I stopped being a good Catholic a long time ago.”
“I think they’d still welcome us,” he says. “I’d like to go in and light a candle. My grandfather loved this church, and he passed away three years ago... wow, three years ago, yesterday.”
I swallow hard, but agree to go in. I know Nate’s funeral was here. I wasn’t able to go, but I know he was here, shortly after he left me and left this world, he was here. I can’t stop the tears this time.
We set our boxes down just inside the door and walk to the table full of candles. I watch Jack as he lights a candle, then bows his head in prayer. I take a deep breath and light one of my own, bowing my own head and swiping at tears.
I still miss you, Nate. I sniffle, the sound incredibly loud in the cavernous chapel. I feel Jack’s hands on my arms as he stands behind me, which just makes me cry harder.
I miss you, but I’m trying really hard. And I think I’m doing okay.
Jack hands me a tissue, and I blot my nose, breathing in heavily and finally opening my eyes.
“Glad I didn’t wear much makeup,” I whisper to him. I can feel him chuckle quietly against my back. I lead the way out of the chapel, and we both pick up our boxes as we head out the door.
“How’d your grandfather die?” I ask Jack after we’ve descended the stairs and begin walking toward my apartment. He’s quiet for a few seconds, looking out in front of him.
“Shark attack,” he says seriously before his grin betrays him. I, again, slap him on the arm and laugh. “It was actually a killer whale.”
“Stop!” I laugh harder. We both reach for the other’s hand at the same time this time, interlacing our fingers together.
“Lung cancer,” he finally admits. “He was a smoker till the day he died. He just wouldn’t give it up.”
“That’s sad. I’m sorry.”
“It is pretty sad. I would have loved for my kids to meet him. I have so many great memories with him.”
We both walk quietly for a bit. At the next cross street, I take a left, pulling him with me.
“Where are you taking me, Poppet?”
“I don’t want to go home quite yet. I don’t want this day to end on a sad note. Wanna grab a drink?”
One corner of his lip rises slightly. “I don’t know if we should take the twins into a bar, you know?”
“Oh, we can stick them in the coat closet,” I tell him. “They’re too young to remember anything.”
“I guess you’re right,” he says.
I take him to my regular wine bar and offer him a seat at a table near the window. I pull my chair close to his before sitting down.
“Emi,” Mandy, one of the bartenders, greets me. “Haven’t seen you in awhile, girl! You doing okay?”
I nod and smile. “How are the wedding plans coming?” I ask her.
“Great,” she answers, glancing at Jack.
“Mandy, this is my friend, Jack. Jack, Mandy.”
“Good Evening, Mandy,” Jack says, standing up to shake her hand. As he sits back down, Mandy looks at me with raised eyebrows. I can’t help but smile. Yes, this incredibly polite and gorgeous man is here, with me.
“Do you want to start with your regular?” she asks.
I begin to say yes, but Jack cuts in. “This is a pretty impressive place,” he says, scanning the many bottles they have on display. “It looks like you have a lot of good wines on hand.”
“We do.”
“Any Chateau Margaux on hand?” Mandy’s eyes glance to mine and back to Jack.
“Umm... yes, I think we do. I’d have to check the cellar.”
“Would you mind? I’d be interested in a 2000... maybe a 2005.”
“I’ll be right back,” Mandy says as she quickly strides toward the cellar door.
“I’m going to show you what a really good wine tastes like.”
“I like my normal stuff,” I tell him. “I’m kind of set in my ways.”
“I can appreciate that. Your normal stuff has its place. But this? I promise you wouldn’t be disappointed. And if you hate it, you can follow it up with your sparkling girlie stuff.”
A few minutes later, Gary, the manager, comes to our table with a bottle. “Sir, you requested the 2005 Chateau Margaux?”
“Yes,” Jack answers. Gary hands Jack the bottle to inspect. “That’s the one,” he says, smiling.
“Fine choice, Mr. Holland,” he says, producing a corkscrew from his pocket and opening the bottle. He sets the cork on the table. Jack looks it over thoroughly and nods. Mandy shows up with two glasses and sets them both on the table.
“You’ll love it, Em,” she assures me. Gary pours a small amount into a glass and hands it to Jack. He smells the wine, then drinks a sip.
“It’s wonderful,” Jack says, allowing Gary to pour us both full glasses. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure, Mr. Holland.” Gary and Mandy both head back to the bar to tend to other guests.
“Did I tell them your last name?”
“I don’t think so.”
“How does he know you?”
“I slid her my credit card,” he whispers, then winks.
“I was going to treat,” I tell him with only a slight whine.
“Not tonight, you aren’t. Next time.”
“You keep doing that...”
He strokes my hand on the table and lifts his glass. “Ready?”
I pick up my drink.
“To twins...” I offer.
“And sharks...” he returns.
“To extreme sports I’ll never do...”
“To those that you will...”
I laugh at his assumption.
“To Europe?” I shrug my shoulders.
“Definitely to Europe.” I blush at the thought, and reflect on the rest of the afternoon we’ve spent together.
“To good families...”
“And good friends...” he adds.
; I breathe in the scent of the wine and smile.
“To the friendship...” He smiles back and we both drink slowly. It is the best wine I’ve ever tasted.
“To more...” he says hopefully, intensely. We both take another sip, then set our glasses down. His elbow on the table, he touches my cheek with his fingers. He leans in slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. My breathing quickens and the butterflies go crazy. “Emi, I know you said you just want to be friends,” he whispers.
I lean into him, his hand guiding my face to his. I moisten my lips in anticipation and nod my head.
“Just once?” he asks quietly with the kindest eyes, the most eager look on his face. I couldn’t say no to that– even if I wanted to, and I don’t.
“Yes,” I say softly, closing my eyes and finally feeling his lips brush against mine lightly. He runs his fingers through my hair, then massages the nape of my neck. I hold his face to mine, willing him to continue. He kisses me chastely, nothing obscene or tawdry, nothing that speaks of the obvious sexual tension between us. It’s sensitive and attentive, gentle and sweet... and seems to still go on forever. Maybe it’s because I don’t want him to stop.
“I could do this all night,” he whispers against my lips the words that have been dancing around in my own head.
“Okay,” I tell him. Three more thoughtfully placed kisses and he finally pulls away first. I blush as he smiles at me.
“Thank you.”
I smile back at him and pick up my wine glass. “To more...” We drink again, and eventually finish the entire bottle of wine and a cheese plate before the streetlights begin to glow brightly in the otherwise dark street.
“Should we get you home?” he asks after paying the tab. My eyelids feel heavy, undoubtedly from the wine. I’m a little drunk. I just answer with a nod.
He grasps my hand tightly and leads me out the door, our gift boxes in tow. “I could get a cab, if you’d like,” he suggests.
“I’m okay. Maybe a little stumble-y, but I’m fine. I’ll lean on you.” He lets go of my hand and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side, and laughs lightly. I feel him kiss the top of my head again.
“I had a great time today,” I tell him when we reach the door to my apartment.
“I’m glad,” he says. “I did, too. We’re on for next week?”
“Yep,” I say pertly.
“Is there anything in particular you’d like to do?”
“Nope.” I smile. “Just something with you.”
“If you think of something, let me know.” I nod. He sets his boxes down and takes both sides of the tie that still hangs around my neck. He pulls me toward him and leans down until his eyes are level with mine. “Can I–”
“Yes,” I say to him, pressing my lips to his anxiously. He laughs as he kisses me back. This time, I may have felt a little tongue. I may have been the cause of that, too.
He finally pulls back and rubs the silk of the tie against my nose. “What I was going to say, before I was so pleasantly interrupted,” he begins, “is ‘Can I have my tie back now?’”
“Oh,” I whisper, blushing with a tinge of embarrassment. “Of course.”
“I only asked for one kiss, Emi. I wasn’t expecting any more. I know you need time, and I don’t mean to confuse things.”
“I know.” Friendship, Emi. That’s what you asked for.
“But you can interrupt me like that any time you want.”
“No, you’re right,” I say to him. “I don’t want to send mixed signals. Let’s take it slow.”
“Okay,” he agrees. “Anything you want.”
“Thank you.”
“No, thank you. Sweet dreams, Poppet.” He takes his tie from my neck and kisses me on the cheek. After picking up the boxes, he begins to walk away.
“You, too, Jack. I just...”
He stops and looks back at me.
“Just...” I don’t know what I’m trying to say. “Just, thank you for everything. Really.”
“You’re welcome, Emi. Good night.”
I go into the apartment and remove the stuffed animal from the box, setting it on my bed. After changing into my pajamas, I crawl under the covers and cuddle with my gift from Jack. I reflect back on our day, beginning to feel a bit of guilt about how little I thought about Nate. He’s always on my mind, but today, there were huge spans of time when he simply wasn’t. I start to feel a little sad, and hold the Hello Kitty tighter in my arms as the toy begins to giggle. I can’t help but smile and laugh myself.
I think this is normal. I think I’m going to be okay.
CHAPTER 12
For the last month and a half, there have been two weekly appointments that I have penned onto my calendar and been anxious to keep. The first appointment is my therapy session, every Tuesday at two o’clock. The second appointment takes place every Friday afternoon. Jack and I have continued to spend that time together, as friends, getting to know each other.
Therapy has been wonderful and I feel a little more like myself after every session. This week’s appointment was no different, but I’ve been issued a challenge by my psychologist. Still conflicted with the fear that starting a new relationship now may be too soon, she has encouraged me to revisit the place in Central Park where Nate and I went last year on his birthday. It is the place I feel closest to him, probably because of the pictures I have of us from that day. It’s where I first told him I loved him. She hopes that I can somehow accept that he would want me to be happy, no matter what. It sounds logical... I just can’t envision him ever encouraging me to be with another man.
The mild summer we had seems to be issuing a much cooler fall than I can remember in recent years. When I exit the building, I consider turning back for a jacket, but figure I’ll get hot with the exercise and continue on to the park. The whipping wind pulls the leaves off of their branches, swirling them on the sidewalk in front of me. When Clara and I come here in the afternoons, we typically stay pretty close to my normal entrance into the park in case she gets tired, as she tends to do after a long day. I decide to circle the whole park for the first time in a long time.
There are times, in the midst of this park, that I don’t even realize I’m engulfed in this huge city. The street noises just seem to fade away, seemingly less to do with actual sound, and more to do with the distraction of new scenery. I can get lost in this park. There had been days when I wished it would just swallow me whole.
I spot the familiar park bench, empty, inviting me to take a seat. This isn’t the first time I’ve been back to this bench since Nate and I professed our love for each other here last November. Earlier in the year, I had spent a few mornings sitting in this very place, coffee in hand, my face lowered to the ground to hide the tears in my eyes... questions swimming in my mind. Today, my heart isn’t as heavy, by now used to the idea that he is gone and accepting that there are no answers to my many questions.
It’s not the first time I’ve been back, but it is the first time I’ve seen the view from this bench. Even last year, I was only looking at Nate, seeing his assurance of love staring into my hopeful eyes. The view is breathtaking. From the small hill, the park spans out in front of me. Grass brown with only speckles of green here and there, leaves flying in the gusts, ducks swimming in the rippled pond, blue with the reflection of the clear, crisp sky above. The trees stand tall, strong, orderly but without pattern. A few squirrels dart across the lawn gathering nuts and climbing the large trunks, pieces of bark flaking off every so often. One gets a little too close, stares curiously at me when I move my foot, just slightly, before running quickly away, his tail fluffed and alert.
It’s the first time in a long time I’ve seen true beauty in the world around me. I take a deep breath, then fight the lump in my throat, angry that sorrowful emotions are beginning to overwhelm me, threatening to blur my vision with wet tears. I’m not allowed to be sad. I struggle to remember the time before Nate and I dated, when we were only friends. I di
dn’t date often, but when I was seeing someone, he would always find some fatal flaw in him. No man was ever good enough for me... and I typically listened to him, convinced myself that his judgment of character was sound, and I would move on to the next. What would he think about Jack, though?
From what he knew of him, or thought he knew of him, I didn’t think he would approve. I remember that Nate thought that Jack was taking advantage of me the night of the frat party. If Nate had known what actually happened, though... I smile to myself, my skin breaking out in goosebumps as I remember the kiss. He’s a good man, Nate. I think you would really like him. I love you so much... nothing will ever change that. But he’ll take care of me, like you would have. He wants to... doesn’t that say a lot about him? He knows about you. I think he accepts that a part of me will always be with you. Would you accept him, too, knowing that you both have the same ultimate want for me– for me to be happy? I shake the tears away, swallowing hard, wanting direction... wanting to see this beautiful day... wanting to see what the future might hold for me. Overwhelmed by the sights in front of me, I thank God for this day.
There are still days that I wish that Nate would visit me again in a dream. I wish he would tell me if I’m on the right track. I wish he would give me advice. Most of all, I wish he would tell me it was okay to be with another man... to be interested in Jack. I shouldn’t need his approval like this, I know. But he will always be a part of me, a part I can never forget and would never want to. I oftentimes feel damaged without him here on earth with me, but sometimes I feel whole when I realize he is always with me in spirit, and I want to keep him close to me. I’m not sure that it’s good or bad to feel that way. Am I just holding on to him, to that safety I felt with him, to fill a void I’m missing in reality? A void that I could attempt to fill... Do I have to give him up to move on? Or can I separate these feelings, define a space for two different men that I care about? Love doesn’t die, but people do... my love for Nate is something I will carry with me forever. And the next man who loves me– the next man I decide to love– will have to understand and accept it. Is Jack that man? Does such a man even exist?
