“Do you love me?” Her words were soft but sharp, as her eyes had stared into mine with intensity.
“I love you.” I had said simply and honestly.
“Then take me with you.” She’d pleaded, and her eyes were moist.
“I can’t do that.” I shook my head and turned away from her.
“I hate you,” she’d whispered, and then she’d pushed past me and run away from me. I hadn’t tried to stop her, even though I had wanted to. I wanted to run after her and beg her to understand that my decision wasn’t one I wanted to make. It was one I had to make. But I knew that in her world, it didn’t make a difference. I’d broken her heart and betrayed her, like every other man. And I’d just walked away. That was the thing with love: sometimes, no matter how badly you wanted to be with someone and take care of them, there were obstacles that were beyond your control. Sometimes you had to know when to walk away.
“Noah, you okay?” Lucky reached across the table and squeezed my hand. I looked up at her and blinked a few times to remember my bearings. “You drifted away there for a moment.”
“Sorry.” I said weakly, all humor gone from my tone. “I was just remembering someone.”
“Someone special?” Lucky and Zane both looked at me with curious expressions, and I was about to answer when Robin came back to the table. I waited until she had taken our orders before I continued.
“A girl I met while I was away.” I nodded. “The day I arrived, actually.”
“Will you tell us about her and about Palm Bonita?” Lucky bit her lower lip and stared at me searchingly, hoping that I was willing to give some answers.
“Palm Bonita is one of those cities that you think of when you think of old Wild West movies.” I stared at her, as I started talking. “It’s this small town that seems to be stuck in the early 1940s. There’s this air of terror and anarchy in the city. Nobody cares about rules, yet nobody wants to be seen to not care about the rules. The people who move to Palm Bonita are the dregs of the country.”
“You moved there and you’re not the …” Lucky started and I smiled at her ruefully.
“I’m not a saint, but you’re right, I didn’t fit in with the other people who had made Palm Bonita their home. And they could tell.” I sighed as I thought back to my many acrimonious interactions with people from Palm Bonita. “But I met someone pretty early on, and she was a bright light in a very dark town. A town that was made darker because I was in a bad spot in my life.” I stared at Zane. “I’m still not sure if I made the right decision by doing what I did, but it’s all done now. I can’t change it.”
“If that’s an apology, it’s pretty weak, Noah.” Zane raised his eyebrows at me and I knew he still hadn’t forgiven me.
“It’s not an apology. I’m just saying I was in a bad place when I got to Palm Bonita. I wasn’t sure how long I would have to stay there, and it was a weird experience having to disappear.” My eyes glazed over as I spoke and thought about the loneliness and boredom that occupied my mind in the first few months. “Anyways, I met someone and she gave me some hope, and a life. We became friends and pretty quickly we became more than that. But she wasn’t who I thought she was.”
“A wolf in sheep’s clothing, huh?”
“No,” I shook my head. “She was a wolf in wolf’s clothing.” I laughed bitterly. “She didn’t try and hide who she was. I was the idiot for thinking she was someone different.”
“But you fell in love?” Lucky interrupted me with a curious tone. “You fell in love in Palm Bonita, right?”
“You could say that. I prefer to say that my heart was captured.” I cleared my throat and gave her a sorrowful smile. “Because what’s love, really? What does it mean? What does it matter if you can’t help the ones you love?”
“You can’t change anyone. Not if they don’t want to be changed.” Lucky reached out and grabbed ahold of my hand again and squeezed it. “You know that right, Noah?”
“I do.” I caressed her hand in mine and gave her a grateful smile. “You’re wonderful, you know that, right?”
“Hold on there, brother.” Zane gave me a look. “We may be family, but no flirting with my girl.”
“My name’s Lucky.” She rolled her eyes, but I saw her reach her other hand down and squeeze his thigh. “Not ‘my girl.’”
“Treat her right or you may have some competition.” I winked at Lucky as I spoke and her eyes sparkled back at me.
“You want to be a dad to my children?” Zane grinned at me. “I don’t mind if you want to take on diaper duty.”
“I think that when you love someone and you have a good heart, it shouldn’t matter who the biological parents are.” My tone became very serious. “So yes, if it came to it, I could love both of your children as my own very easily and I would take care of them as my own.”
“Whoa, hold on there.” Zane’s eyes narrowed. “It seems like you’ve already given this some thought.”
“No, not really. I just think that people in general should be more loving. And that I could easily be a father to another man’s kids; maybe even a better father than the biological father.” I smiled at him weakly and then continued. “Why can’t we all be open and loving to everyone?”
“Good point.” Zane cleared his throat. “I was hoping you’d say something like that because I would really like to know what you know about Mom and why she ignored me in Paris.”
“I …”
“I don’t want any bullshit answers from you, Noah.” His voice rose and his tone changed. “I’ve had about enough waiting to find out some answers.”
“Zane!” Lucky admonished him and shook her head in worry.
“No, stop sticking up for him. You’re my fiancée. You should be supporting me. I want to know what’s going on. I want to know why Mom left and how long Noah has known the truth. I’m done with secrets in this family.” He turned away from Lucky and stared at me. “You owe me some answers, Noah. Not some bullshit philosophical thoughts about life and families. I don’t give two shits about how things would be in your ideal world. I want to know the truth about our very real, un-ideal world, and I want to know now.”
We stared at each other for a few moments and I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want to tell him the truth. I knew the truth would hurt far more than me keeping it a secret. Even if it made me the bad guy. Even if it meant he had to hate me for a little bit longer. I didn’t want to risk him going through all those years of pain and rejection again. I could still picture the pain in his eyes when anyone asked him where his mom was. I could still see him as a young boy crying in his bed when he thought no one was around. I could still see the hope in his eyes when the doorbell rang and we still thought our mom was going to come back. And I could still remember the angry, bitter man who couldn’t get over the fact that we had been abandoned. The man that had sworn he would never fall in love, never get caught in that trap. And as I looked at him across the table with Lucky, his beautiful wonderful fiancée, who was starting to show her pregnancy in her stomach and face, and I watched the open and easy love he had for her, I knew I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk him clamming up and reverting back to his old self.
“So tell me, Noah. What’s the big secret you’ve been trying to keep to yourself?”
“Hey, excuse me, guys.” Robin approached the table with a slightly embarrassed expression. “Can you keep it down a bit?” She stared at me with an expression of curiosity.
“Sorry.” I nodded as I looked back at her with a blank expression as she attempted a small smile at me. I wasn’t in the mood for her hot-and-cold games. I was fed up with girls and their games. No matter how beautiful they were.
“I’m sorry about earlier. I think I was a bit …” She blushed as she mumbled on to me and I waved my hand at her.
“Forget about it. It really doesn’t matter. Just give us the check, please.”
“Is there anything else you guys would like? You haven’t even gotten y
our—”
“Just the check, please.” We stared at each other for another moment and she nodded. “Sure, I’ll be right back.” She hurried away and I watched her walk up to the counter to print out our receipt. She had an air about her that was slightly mysterious and intriguing. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she was unique and had somehow wormed her way into my already-overcrowded mind.
“Don’t think this is over,” Zane leaned towards me and whispered in a low voice. “You may have been saved by the waitress this time, but next time you won’t be so lucky.”
“Give it a break, Zane.” I sighed. “Please, just give it a break. Okay.” I pulled out some twenties and placed them on the table before jumping out of the booth. “I’m going to walk home, I’ll see you guys later.” I hurried away from the table and I saw Robin turn around and watch me as I left the table. I turned around to thank her as I exited, but a weird feeling filled me as we made eye contact, and I felt flustered and uncomfortable. I nodded and mumbled a quick “thanks” before hightailing it out of the restaurant and walking down the street. I needed to think and plan. I knew that Zane was not going to let this rest. And I also knew that I couldn’t allow him to know the truth. But I didn’t want to lose him as well. Not after Skylar; the pain that remained in my heart from leaving her was still almost too much to bear.
***
“Hey,” I knocked on the study door and walked in without waiting for Zane to grant me access. “What you up to?”
“Balancing the checkbook.” Zane shrugged as he looked up at me from his table.
“Sounds fun.”
“Yeah, it’s a bundle of delight. Almost as much fun as disappearing to a small town in Florida.”
“Yeah, that was great fun.”
“I’m surprised you came back, what with your great love still being there and all.”
“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you.”
“I’m sorry that you think that.” He turned back to his computer. “I’m kind of busy.”
“Is that a hint to leave?”
“I won’t stop you if you walk out the door.” He started tapping on the keys in front of him and I walked over to the table.
“Hey.” I sat down in the dark mahogany chair.
“Yes?” He looked up at me in irritation.
“Really?” I rolled my eyes at him. “We’re going to play this game?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know you’re mad at me. I understand that. I didn’t expect you to just forgive me when I got back. But this—this weird, rude sarcasm, this is not what I expected. Shout at me if you must, scream, whatever. Just don’t treat me like some random person you don’t know and don’t like.”
“But I don’t really know you, do I?” He frowned at me. “And it’s not like you trust me or care about my feelings. You didn’t tell me you were working for the FBI, you won’t tell me about our mom. I mean, come on, Noah, what sort of brothers are we?”
My breath caught at his words and I stared into his blazing eyes with my heart pounding.
“Do you think it was easy for me to just walk away without telling you? Do you think it didn’t keep me up at night? Do you think I didn’t want to call you every single morning and every single night? It fucking killed me, Zane. I wanted to tell you so badly.”
“So why didn’t you? You told others. Do you know how much that hurt me?”
“I don’t know why she told you I told her.” I said angrily. “I—”
“Who is she?” Zane frowned at me. “I was talking about Sidney.”
“Oh.” Fuck. “That’s what I meant …”
“No, it isn’t. Who is she? Who else did you tell?” Zane starred at me with a shocked and incredulous expression. “I know you’re not talking about Mrs. Johnson, but who else is there? Wait.” Zane’s expression changed to anger as realization dawned. “Are you talking about Mom? Did you tell Mom?”
My face turned red and he looked at me in confusion. “So you’ve been in contact with her? To the point where you would tell her about leaving?”
“It’s not like that.” I shook my head and my tone was bleak.
“What is it like, Noah?”
“Have you ever loved someone so much that you’ve walked away because that is the only thing you can do to protect them?”
“What?” He looked at me in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“When I left, all I could think about was you. I knew that you would be devastated. We were all we had. And you’ve looked after me my whole life. You’ve been the best big brother ever. And you’ve always tried to protect me. Even when I didn’t need protecting. Well, I had to protect you as well.”
“You weren’t protecting me by leaving and making me think you were dead, and you sure aren’t protecting me by not telling me about Mom. I’m not a baby, Noah. I don’t need you to hold my hand while you rip off the Band-Aid. Fucking pull that shit off and let it burn.”
“Going to Palm Bonita without telling you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life. I wasn’t skipping and singing songs, delighting in the fact that I pulled the wool over your eyes. But I couldn’t just do nothing. They killed people, Zane. I was young and dumb and maybe I handled it incorrectly, but when Agent Waldron told me this was the only solution, I believed him. I had to give up everything. When I moved, I had nothing and no one and no one to talk to.”
“I’m sorry.” Zane’s eyes looked bleak. “I can’t profess to know what it was like.”
“It was hard. There were some days where I didn’t even make it out of bed because I didn’t care. I was in this limbo. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to talk to.”
“How did you get out of that funk?”
“One day, I met someone. She knew right away that I wasn’t like most of the other people in town.”
“Is this the girl you fell in love with?” Zane questioned me, and a dart of pain shot through my heart.
“She’s the girl that broke my heart into pieces.” I shook my head. “We’re powerless, you know, when it comes to love. No matter what type of love it is. You can love someone wholly and completely as a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend. But none of it matters. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you want to do the right thing and take care of someone. Sometimes there are external factors that will do everything in their power to stop you from making something right.”
“So this woman that you met? She’s the one that gave you hope? Did someone stop you from being with her?”
“I thought she was a victim when I first met her. I thought she was hiding out from an abusive ex. The first time I met her, she told me to be careful in the town. She told me there were a lot of bad people. I should have taken her at her word. She warned me from the beginning.”
“Did someone hurt you?” Zane clenched his fist.
“Not physically.” I shook my head and closed my eyes as memories came pouring in from my early days in Palm Bonita. The second time I’d seen her she was in the grocery store, studying the labels on milk. “I’d recommend the whole milk.” I smiled at her as I walked over to her. “People like to recommend the two percent or one percent because it has less fat, but whole milk is a lot better for your bones.” She’d stared at me for a minute without talking before grabbing a bottle of one percent. “I see you take advice well.” I continued with a quick smile and grabbed a bottle of whole milk.
“I didn’t ask you for any advice.” Her eyes smirked at me. “I make my own decisions.” She walked away from me and down to the produce aisle. For some reason I followed her and picked up some bananas as she grabbed some apples. She looked over at me and shook her head before walking up to me. “I thought I told you to be careful in this town?” Her voice was low and she looked around the store to see if there was anyone watching us as she spoke.
“I don’t take advice well, either.” I grinned at her, and she laughed. This time th
e laugh hit her eyes and her whole face was transformed with beauty as she smiled at me in genuine humor.
“Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?” she’d asked me lightly as if it were no big deal, and I had accepted eagerly and happily, not knowing that that invitation was going to change my whole life. A carton of milk had changed my life.
“Noah, you okay?” Zane’s voice interrupted my thoughts and I nodded.
“Yeah, yeah. Sorry.” I sighed. “I was just remembering the day she let me into her life.”
“You still miss her?” His eyes searched mine.
“No, I don’t miss her.” I shook my head honestly.
“But you still think about her a lot.” He wasn’t asking a question, but I still nodded.
“Everything changed in my life when I met her and she brought me into her life. I was no longer the boy morphing into the man. I became the man.” I spoke with conviction. “She made me a man.”
“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Zane looked at me thoughtfully. “Lucky made me realize that I was still acting like a boy a lot of the time. She brought out the man in me; all I want to do is love her and protect her. That’s what we’re made for, you know. To look after our women and to love them as best as we can.”
“I’m glad that Lucky has brought the love back into your life.” I answered him honestly. “Family is so important. I’m glad you’ve added someone else to our small group.”
“We missed out on a lot, didn’t we?” Zane sighed. “No mother, no father to talk of. No real love. We had nothing. I’m surprised we turned out this well.”
“We’ll always have each other.” I grabbed his arm and squeezed it tightly.
“That’s all we can really ask for, isn’t it?” He nodded slowly. “To have a family that truly loves and accepts us.”
“That’s all that matters.” I agreed. “You made a good pick with Lucky, she’s amazing and I already love her like she’s a part of the family.”
“Yeah, I’ve been blessed.” His eyes shone with emotion. “I’m glad you love her; she’s already the central part of our family. She loves you like a brother, you know. She really loves and cares about you. It’s funny that you’re not even related, but she always talks and worries about you.”
The Other Side of Love (Forever Love) Page 3
