by J. D. Chase
‘Oh God, I’m sorry. It’s just that talking about it makes my blood run cold. It brings out the worst in me. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I apologise.’
With a tight smile, Isla replied, ‘It’s okay. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. No apology necessary.’
Shaking his head, Xander continued, ‘No, it’s far from okay. But thank you. I didn’t bother going back to get my fertility test results – what was the point? Janine was pregnant so that answered that. Or so I thought. One morning I got a call from the clinic, attempting to make an appointment for me to collect my test results. I explained that it was unnecessary since my wife was pregnant and, if I hadn’t been paying attention, if I’d been remotely distracted, I might have missed it. When the receptionist heard my reply, there was something odd about the way she answered. Something in her voice that told me she hadn’t been expecting that reply. I passed it off but it niggled at me. She’d sounded surprised and I wanted to know why. So a few days later, I called them back. They refused to give me the results over the phone so I went in. It turns out that I’m completely infertile. I cannot have children.’
Isla gasped. She shook her head as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. ‘But what if the test was wrong? What if they’d mixed yours up with someone else? Unlikely, I know but it happens.’
Making a gesture with his hands, as if to agree with her, Xander replied, ‘Exactly. So I had the test repeated. Out of sheer curiosity, bloody-mindedness or in some attempt to prove my manhood – I don’t know and, as far as I’m aware, the thought that the test result was accurate didn’t even enter my head, nor did the glaringly obvious ramifications. I never suspected for a minute that Janine was carrying another man’s baby. Even when the second test came back and ratified the finding of the first one. I jumped to the conclusion that she was lying about the pregnancy. That she was only pretending so that she could get her allowance back and sit on her arse all day. She was capable of it too.
‘Months before, I’d found out by accident that she’d already been married but that she’d changed completely once she had lured him down the aisle. It turns out that she’d been engaged three times before that one went the distance to the altar. It was her generous divorce settlement, that by all accounts she’d fought tooth and nail to obtain, hiring the best in the business in order to get as much as she could, that had allowed her to create the persona of the upper-middle-class lady before I met her. But it hadn’t taken her long to spend that and look for a replacement source of income. It was hardly surprising that she’d kept all that to herself, she wasn’t going to give away her modus operandi now, was she? I wondered whether she’d fake a miscarriage at some point but, as time went on and her stomach started to swell, it became clear that she wasn’t faking it.
‘So I went to a clinic in Harley Street and paid a fortune to find out whether the tests I’d had were accurate and whether there was any chance that I could have shot out some fertile swimmers. I was given a watertight guarantee that I was completely infertile. But still I couldn’t comprehend it so I sought out the country’s most well-respected expert . . . but the result was the same. There is no way that I could have fathered a child. And yes, I’d love to be able to sit here and state that my reasons for doing so had the child at the centre, but I can’t. I’d felt cornered when she said she was pregnant. If the child was mine, I would have been trapped for the next God knows how many years. If it wasn’t, I had an easy way out and something to prevent her from getting her hands on my hotel – there was no way that I was going to let her obtain what was effectively my inheritance from my grandparents, especially when it was to finance another man’s child.’
He paused, allowing Isla to take it in whilst he knocked back most of the contents of his full glass.
Isla was speechless. It was incomprehensible to her that a married woman would cheat and get pregnant and then try to pass it off as her husband’s. Until that moment, she’d only ever considered how the other partner was the victim of cheating. The thought of a tiny baby being caught in the crossfire made her blood run cold.
‘So what did she say when you confronted her about the miracle child?’
He laughed. It was a horrible sound. ‘I didn’t. At least until the child was born.’
Isla’s mouth gaped open. She tried to speak but her vocal chords weren’t in sync with her brain. An odd noise came out of her mouth but nothing more. She picked up her gin and drained it.
Xander collected the glasses and went back to the bar once more, leaving Isla attempting to imagine what he must have lived through during that whole pregnancy.
But why not say anything? Why stay? And when was this baby born exactly?
As he sat, placing the drinks on the table in front of her, Isla studied him carefully. He looked drained, yet tense. She thought of all the times he’d turned up at her door, longing to seek refuge in her.
No wonder he looked so tormented . . . his wife was having another man’s baby. Or had had another man’s baby – he said it had been born. From the sound of things, the whole marriage is fucked up. Of course, this is only his side of the story. Things may not actually be as he says – even if he believes it himself. His mind would surely be poisoned after what she’s done. Who says the marriage was that bad? In his situation, he’s bound to think badly of her; what she’s done is unforgivable.
She waited for him to continue but he was staring out of the window, his expression as distant as the Welsh hills. He was a proud man and speaking candidly about his past and his failings didn’t come easily. She studied him carefully, struggling to ignore the temptation to believe everything he was saying. She did believe him, she was sure of that but what she wasn’t sure of was whether she should. There was no proof to back up his words. All she could go on were his words and his body language.
Unless he’s a fantastic actor, there’s no way he’s lying. But whether he’s being truthful in full or in part, he still kept the fact that he was married from me. He shouldn’t have been anywhere near another woman until his nightmare was over. He should have confronted her and walked away as soon as he knew.
‘Penny for them.’ His voice interrupted her thoughts and she started. She was still staring at him but was so wrapped up in her thoughts, she hadn’t noticed him shift his attention to her. He looked wary.
She smiled reassuringly. ‘Oh I was just absorbing what you’d said. There’s a lot to take in. And I was waiting for you to continue in your own good time.’
‘In a nutshell, that’s it. That’s the whole sordid tale.’
Isla slowly nodded in acceptance. ‘But how did I become entangled in all of this?’
Xander’s face fell. ‘Because I’m weak. Because I was foolish.’
When he saw the hurt expression on her face, he reached out and grasped her hand. ‘No, I didn’t mean like that. God, no. You’re the only light in the darkness of the last nine months. What I mean was that I was weak and foolish to pursue you before everything with Janine was fully sorted. I knew I risked losing you by not coming clean but then, if I’d told you I was married, I thought I risked losing you anyway. I fucked up. Royally. And I meant what I said when I first met you. It was only meant to be about sex. I desired you. I’d remained faithful to Janine throughout the whole debacle, even when I found out she was pregnant by someone else. Actually, that knowledge wiped out my libido for weeks. Just the mere thought of going near a woman – any woman, turned my stomach. Until you. The first time I saw you, I thought you were gorgeous. When you opened that feisty mouth and showed your intelligence, not bowing down to me like most people who work for me, that elevated you to eminently fuckable.
‘I could have taken you right there and then, not least because my sexual desire was back. I’d wondered whether my libido had fucked off forever but no, you found the dying embers of it and reignited it. Then you fanned the flames until it became a raging inferno. Just the thought of you made my cock tw
itch. Your willingness to stand up to me made me horny. Being in close proximity to you made me hard. Within hours of meeting you, you were all I could think about. That first afternoon, I locked myself in my office, determined to stay away from you. But you were under my skin. I had no idea what time it was but I suddenly cracked, I needed to have you and I was determined to have you. But your office was empty so I went to reception and then to your barman friend who informed me that you’d left for the day. My balls threatened to explode.’
He paused, as Isla shifted in her seat and then downed half of her drink. He assumed it was because of his blatant admission but it was the mention of Dean that made her so uncomfortable.
‘I know it doesn’t sound great but I’d heard your comments about not wanting to get involved with anyone. And I’d seen the way you looked at me. I knew you liked what you saw and I sensed that you were a very sexual creature like me. What I didn’t know was that you didn’t know it. When I finally touched you, watched you emerge from the chrysalis of your sexual disappointment into a full-on sex goddess, I was blown away. And you were right, Red, I was as addicted to sex with you as you were with me. I craved you. I could think of nothing else; you consumed me. And yes, there’s no denying that most shrinks would say that it was unhealthy but I thought it would burn itself out and we’d go our separate ways. What I didn’t expect, and believe me when I say that the shock of finding myself addicted to you was nothing in comparison with the mind-fuck I experienced when I realised that I needed you for so many reasons besides sex. That bombshell had me reeling for days, especially since I was convinced that you were only interested in sex with me, nothing more. But when I realised that you felt it too, I felt trapped and yes, once more it was a situation of my own making caused by my own short-sightedness. I couldn’t stay away – God knows I tried but I couldn’t and I couldn’t risk losing you by sitting you down and confessing the whole sordid tale. I was convinced that there’d be an Isla-shaped hole in the door if I did.’
She nodded. ‘But where do you and I fit in with the whole pregnancy thing? What was happening at home at that time?’
Swallowing hard, Xander continued, ‘I didn’t want to confront her until I was 100 per cent sure that it was medically impossible for me to have fathered her child. I mean, can you imagine accusing her and then finding out the tests were wrong? Anyway, by the time I was in that position, Janine was at the end of the first trimester and had begun to experience problems with the pregnancy. At thirty-four, she wasn’t the youngest first-time mother and she’d become so unfit and lazy – she had steadily put on weight after we married; the effects of good living I suppose. Then from the moment she found out she was pregnant, she stayed in bed for most of the day, every day – and that was before any complications arose. By the time I knew she must have been fucking someone else, she was seriously at risk of losing her baby because of high blood pressure. What was I to do? The advice from her gynaecologist was bed rest and to stay calm. Twice she was taken into hospital for observation and then discharged to rest at home. How could I confront her? How could I heap a whole load of stress on her in that condition? Not that she hadn’t brought it upon herself but to risk her losing the baby she was carrying, although it was someone else’s . . . I couldn’t risk that.’
He closed his eyes and Isla could see a whole palette of different emotions flooding through him as he relived the event.
‘So, even though it wasn’t yours, you didn’t want her to risk losing it? Didn’t the thought even cross your mind that it would serve her right or that it might be for the best if she did miscarry?’ Isla whispered.
His eyes sprang open. ‘No!’ he exclaimed vehemently. ‘Not even once. I’d not wish that on anyone and certainly not a defenceless foetus. So I had to accept that, until the baby was safe, I couldn’t walk out on her. I did not want blood on my hands. But, from the moment I knew she’d slept with someone else, my marriage was over. I share your views on cheating. Yeah, I know that’s rich of me but in my heart, my marriage was done. I was a free agent, although I knew I’d have to fight her to get a divorce, or at least finalise it with all the financial wrangling that was sure to come. And, but for the health risk to the baby, I’d have walked out there and then before I’d even met you. But I didn’t. So yeah, in black and white terms, I cheated on my wife with you.
‘But life is rarely black and white, Red. Condemn me for straying into a grey area, take my car and my hotel and worst of all, take away the one person who has meant something to me in a long time. And, for the record, losing you was the worst thing about all this. I’ve spent the last few months plotting how to prevent her from getting any more than she deserves. I was hell-bent on that but now, I realise it’s only money. I’d give her everything if it meant that I could turn the clock back and keep my distance from you until the baby was born and I could walk away from her, a free man before laying a finger on you. Because the cost of being weak is too high. I lost you for the sake of not holding out for a few months or so. And I tried, Red. I promise you that I tried so damned hard to stay away from you but I couldn’t resist you. Just once, I thought. Celebrate the re-emergence of my libido and forget about all the crap going on at home and pretend I was someone else. I thought once would sustain me but it just inflamed me. You’re something special, Red, and I blew it.’
Isla barely heard the second half of his speech. She was too preoccupied with his statement about straying into the grey. If anyone had asked her before that moment whether there were any circumstances where it was okay to cheat, she’d have said no. Totally and irrevocably no.
Would I rather he had walked out on her as soon as he found out, and risked harming an unborn child – or worse? No, of course I wouldn’t. He deserves credit for that.
Oh Xander, you stupid man; you should have waited. All that we could have had, and you crushed it with your impatience. And if you couldn’t wait, why not trust me enough to tell me what was going on?
‘Why couldn’t you have told me?’ she whispered, as she blinked back tears of frustration.
His head sagged back against the headrest of the chair. ‘By the time I knew I should have, it was too late. I haven’t told a soul until now. It’s not exactly the kind of thing you want broadcasting. And, as I said, it was to be a one-off so I was hardly going to blurt it out. I barely knew you. Then, when I didn’t confide in you and you became my sanctuary from the nightmare that was the rest of my existence, I didn’t want to infect you or what we had with it. And, call me a coward, but I knew I’d lose you. Frankly, the longer it went on, and the closer we became, the more I stood to lose and the harder it became to tell you.’
Pursing her lips, Isla could see his logic but there was no way she could excuse him. ‘Didn’t it occur to you that I’d find out sometime? What if that was in a year’s time from now? Or five years? Did you think that I’d just roll over and accept it then?’
Xander sighed heavily. ‘Of course I knew you’d find out. It didn’t occur to me that you’d find out from someone else . . . as a matter of interest, how did you find out?’
One look at Isla’s raised eyebrow and he hurried on. ‘I don’t suppose it matters, except that I was convinced that I would be the one to tell you and that I’d be a free man when I did that. And, although I accept that you probably won’t believe me, once the baby was born on Sunday night and I learned that mother and child were healthy and doing well, I began packing my things. I didn’t sleep a wink. I was elated. I was finally free to be with you. You have no idea how difficult it was to resist the temptation to pack the few belongings I needed and race to your door the minute she’d given birth.’
‘Why didn’t you? If you had, you’d have been the one to tell me. I only found out yesterday morning on my way to work.’
He opened and closed his mouth several times as the consequences of his decision to delay sank in. ‘Fuck. I don’t believe this.’ He took a sip of his drink. ‘I knew I needed to confront her and
I couldn’t do that while she was pregnant. I needed to wait until the child was born safely. I didn’t want anything on my conscience. And I could hardly confront her the moment he was born. She was angry and confused that I had taken her to the hospital and then left, not joining her in the labour ward as she’d decreed. You see, I couldn’t force myself to be with her when she gave birth to somebody else’s child . . . it would have felt wrong to be there and I couldn’t explain my reasons while she was writhing about in agony. I needed to wait until I knew they were both safe and I wasn’t prepared to walk away and have her come home to an empty house after just giving birth after such a difficult pregnancy. I’m not a complete bastard. And I didn’t want to be with you properly until I’d confronted her, drawn a line under my marriage and moved on . . . with you. I had so much to look forward to with you. Fuck, I tried so hard to wait, I really did. And once I couldn’t, you don’t know how many times I’ve tried to force myself to tell you the whole story but . . .’
‘But?’ Isla asked, narrowing her eyes and waiting for the excuses to begin.
‘But I couldn’t face losing you. Once I knew what your ex had done to you and how you feel about monogamy, I couldn’t take the risk that you’d end it there and then if I told you I was married and that my wife was pregnant. Although the child was not mine and my marriage was over in all but the legal sense, I was too scared that you’d bolt. I thought I was doing the safest thing . . . the safest thing to keep you. I am sorry, Red. More than you know. I know I fucked up. I don’t expect you to understand how I was feeling when we met. I could barely describe it to you. I didn’t think that bedding you was okay because she’d cheated first. If I was going to do that, I’d have gone out and fucked around from the moment I knew what she’d done. But instead, my broken libido ensured that I stayed focused on salvaging whatever assets I could before she tried to claim half of everything I have. Until you, then . . . well, I’ve explained the effect that you had on me.’
