by J. D. Chase
‘And, if you could somehow allow your mind to absorb the fact that I’m not a cheat, because I’m not, not really. I’m not some lowlife fucker who’s going to screw around behind your back. I made a mistake; I couldn’t resist you for as long as I should have and, Red, I’d love to say that, if we could wind the clock back so that none of this had happened, I’d do things differently but without hindsight, if I’m totally honest, I doubt that I could resist you. If I knew the consequences I would, of course I would. But there’s something amazing between us. I can still feel it; it was there earlier when it was like old times. Don’t tell me you can’t feel it too? Are you willing to throw away what we had because your blinkered black and white morals won’t allow you to see that just occasionally, there can be a grey area? Is it worth giving up on us and what we’d hoped for because of a principle?’
She shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears at his words and the sinking feeling in her stomach. ‘There’s no point, Xander. I accept that in many aspects of life, grey areas exist. But there are some areas where it doesn’t. Recklessly inflicting pain on one person by fucking another is one of them.’
‘But I didn’t do that,’ he almost yelled. ‘I did not fuck about with anyone behind your back.’
‘You fucked about with me behind Janine’s!’ she cried.
Xander opened his mouth and closed it firmly. Isla could see him fighting to keep his emotions under control. When he spoke, his voice was calm and quiet but his frustration was conveyed by the clenching of his fists. ‘My marriage was dead. I was staying to avoid the risk of harm to her unborn child. Her unborn child, not mine. My only crime is not waiting.’
‘You could have told me,’ she said firmly, snatching up another can.
‘I’ve apologised and explained that. I didn’t expect anything meaningful to develop between us. When it did, it was too late.’ Xander raked his fingers through his hair, another sign of his growing frustration.
‘That’s funny, Jamie said something similar about Miss Big Tits when I confronted him. It wasn’t supposed to happen. It was harmless flirting. It didn’t mean anything. The next thing you know, it’s been going on for months.’
‘My situation was different,’ he snapped, before continuing more calmly. ‘Janine and I were done but I couldn’t tell her that I knew she’d cheated on me. God knows I wanted to. I wanted her gone from my life but I refused to risk her unborn child being harmed in the crossfire. I should have waited; I’ve held my hands up to that. From the first moment I touched you, I knew. It was too late and I’d blown it but I needed you, Red. I needed you more than you’ll ever know.’
‘And I needed you to tell me the truth but you didn’t.’
‘For fuck’s sake, Red. Don’t you think I don’t know that? But there was so much going on inside my head. Some days I came so close to telling Janine that I knew and I was leaving her. I stood right in front of her with the words on my tongue. More than once I’ve thrown clothes into a suitcase but I pictured that poor foetus, growing inside her and backed down. Do you know what? I began to carry around the scan photo of her bastard child in my wallet. Yeah, how fucking sick is that? I carried around an image of another man’s child that was growing inside my wife so that it reminded me that there was someone else in all this . . . someone innocent and vulnerable . . . that’s what stopped me confronting her. Someone that didn’t deserve to be hurt by all the crap that it didn’t deserve to be being born into.
‘I was living a lie – it was a living, fucking nightmare. I’d been existing from day to day, my only purpose in life was to be prepared for the day when she went into labour. That was all that stopped me from going under and, some days, I questioned whether it was worth it but then I’d think of that cheating, scheming bitch getting her hands on all that I’ve worked for, after she’d leeched so much from me already and I’m not talking just money. She’d taken my trust and my pride. But other days, I was so consumed with hatred and betrayal that I felt like walking away, but I couldn’t risk the baby. I began to think that maybe my mother had got it right after all and that settling down wasn’t worth it. My home felt like a prison. My self-respect was on the verge of deserting me.
‘And then you walked into my life and awakened something inside me. Sure, at the time, I thought it was purely a sexual awakening but I later realised that it was more than that. It was hope. And I clung to it like a drowning man clings to a life raft in a raging storm. You were the lifeboat and to tell you everything would have meant risking letting go of my life raft without knowing whether the lifeboat would hang around to save me. And trust me, Red, by then I was tired and the water was lapping above my mouth. I couldn’t risk it.’
‘If you’d told me, I might have lifted you clean out of the water and kept you safe,’ she whispered.
‘My head was fucked. All I knew was I daren’t risk it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t think clearly . . . all I could think of was clinging on.’
‘You thought you were clinging on but you were pushing me away.’
Xander gave sound that was half sigh and half growl. ‘This is getting us nowhere.’ He strode over to the door, yanked it open and stepped outside. Before it closed, his head appeared.
‘Ask yourself this, Red. If we were together, if you could find it within yourself to forgive me for not waiting, do you think I’d ever cheat on you? Because I haven’t. Since I met you, my heart has been with you. Firmly and faithfully. No, don’t answer it now, give it some proper, deep, unbiased consideration when your head’s clearer.
‘Because if you don’t trust me, I’m wasting my time. We’d be over in no time anyway, regardless of whether I could keep my cock in my underpants because you’d tear us apart, always questioning my motives, my movements, my answers . . . and I’ve been through enough and so have you. I’m not going to put either of us through that. You forget that I know what it’s like to be cheated on. That sick feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach when you first suspect them but you think you must be mistaken. You feel guilty for even suspecting them – they wouldn’t do that to you. And then, when you’re confronted with the incontrovertible truth, you can’t comprehend it. You feel numb. Until it sinks in and then all you can think of is why . . . why would someone do that to you? Then the hurt and confusion clears to allow the bitterness and resentment to set in.
‘Yeah, my marriage wasn’t all that by the time I found out but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel those things. I remember the first few days after I knew. Every time I looked at her, heard her voice or even thought about her, my skin crawled. I felt sick. She was a lot of things but I didn’t think she would betray my trust. I could tolerate a lot of her behaviour but I couldn’t tolerate that. And I refuse to be with someone who doesn’t trust me. So it’s up to you, Red. I made a mistake. I’m not perfect. You need to decide whether you trust me or whether you don’t. It’s a black and white issue; a yes or no.’
Isla’s eyes hadn’t left his face the whole time he’d been speaking. A whole rainbow of emotions had been conveyed by his features as he’d spoken. She nodded to him and he closed the door, leaving her with his final emotion burned in her consciousness. Acceptance. She knew that whatever she decided, he’d accept it. And, right up until two minutes before, she had known her decision. She’d have said that she was sorry but she wouldn’t be able to fully trust him after he’d kept something massive from her and he’d shown her that he went after what he wanted, when he wanted it. But, hearing him succinctly describing the symptoms of the aftermath . . . realising that he too was a victim of cheating . . . that had shaken her belief.
When he’d told her about Janine and the baby earlier, she’d been too wrapped up in being the victim to consider how he’d been affected. Sure, her heart went out to him when she heard the tale but that hadn’t changed how she viewed his transgression.
Could there be a grey area when it comes to cheating? Is cheating ever excusable?
She dropped her towe
l on the floor and removed her underwear. Then she unravelled the turban towel and raked her fingers through her damp hair. All the time, her mind was tossing around her jumbled thoughts and getting nowhere. Jamie’s sneering face kept appearing. She needed to escape from the torture in her mind. She crawled into bed and closed her eyes but sleep wouldn’t come.
Soon she was replaying the whole conversation in her head. Every so often, she’d pause it and try to ascertain how she’d have acted or reacted in Xander’s shoes. Words that he’d said during their time together swirled around her head. She recalled how many times he’d told her that he couldn’t get involved with her. That the time wasn’t right for them. He had tried to protect her. But she couldn’t get over the fact that he’d not told her everything once they’d become emotionally close. He’d trust her with his hotel but not with the battle he was fighting? Could she trust him in future? She just didn’t know.
She was too emotionally involved to distance herself properly. She tried pretending that it had happened to Derek, the concierge. That he’d come into work one day and confided in her that his wife was pregnant and it couldn’t be his baby. And that his wife was just out for what she could get from him but he couldn’t confront her because the pregnancy had complications and there was a risk to the baby. She knew her heart would have gone out to him. Would she have judged him if she’d seen him seeking solace in the arms of someone else? Would she have wanted to intervene and caution him if it was happening under her nose?
I’d feel more comfortable if he didn’t. But would I try to stop him?
Probably not because it isn’t my business. But I’d respect him more if I saw him trying to fight his attraction to ‘the other woman’.
Should Derek tell ‘the other woman’ what’s going on at home?
If she’s just a distraction, nothing serious then he’d probably want to forget about it but if he was serious about her then he should tell her. It’s not fair to let her get in too deep and withhold that from her . . .
What if Derek couldn’t bring himself to tell her? What if he couldn’t bear to risk losing her and he felt he might once she knew he was still married, albeit only on paper? What if he decides to wait until he’s left his wife?
Then Derek will have to face the consequences . . .
What if she found out – would it matter whether it was Derek telling her or someone else?
She’d be angry if she found out from someone else. She’d be hurt in either case but it would be much better if he told her himself. The feeling of betrayal would be far greater if she found out from another.
What if she found out from her cheating ex, would that make a difference?
Hell yes! That’s like a slap in the face. She’d be furious with him – that’s the last person she should hear it from. It would probably cloud her judgement too, bringing up all the negativity associated with her ex.
So once he’s confronted and he explains everything, should she roll over and pretend that he did nothing wrong?
No, not if it doesn’t sit right. She’d need time to think it over. He’d have shaken her trust in him.
Could she trust him again?
She would have to think long and hard about that. The situation was complex. If he’d had a one-night stand or still been sleeping with his wife, then no. If he’d been trapped in a loveless marriage, his wife impregnated by another man, trying to do the decent thing until the baby was born . . . if he’d fought getting involved with her . . . if he’d tried to do the right thing in very difficult circumstances, then he deserved credit for that but only she could decide whether she trusts him . . . whether she feels he’s likely to cheat on her.
Oh my God . . . Xander said that anyone can cheat . . . I thought he was being flippant . . . but he’d been betrayed by his wife. Was he speaking as a victim? Was that comment born out of bitterness?
So could she trust him not to fuck around behind her back like Ja- . . . her ex, did?
He was no more likely to cheat on her because of this whole episode than he was before.
Did she trust him before?
Yes.
Could she forgive him for keeping this from her?
Maybe, especially if he was going to tell her once he’d left his wife when the baby was born.
So if Ja-, the ex, hadn’t told her and he’d turned up and confessed all, she’d have forgiven him?
She’d have been pissed but yes, once she’d had time to take it all in, she’d have forgiven him.
Even though he’d technically cheated on his wife when he was with her?
The marriage was dead; he would have left but for his consideration for the baby – the baby that wasn’t even his. In this situation, he could be forgiven.
He could be forgiven.
He should be forgiven.
‘I should forgive him,’ she whispered. ‘No, I do forgive him.’
She shot out of bed, wrapped the duvet around her and headed for the door, picking up her room key on the way. Not even pausing to check the hallway was empty, she raced out of her room and hunted for room twenty three.
Twenty seven . . . Twenty five . . . there it is!
She banged on the door with complete disregard for the other guests, trying to sleep at that ungodly hour.
Almost instantly, the door was wrenched open by a murderous looking Xander.
Well, who wouldn’t be pissed if someone came banging on your bedroom door at ridiculous o’clock? Wait until I tell him . . . hang on, why is he still dressed? And why does he look even angrier now that he’s seen it’s me?
‘Why weren’t you in bed?’ she whispered resisting the urge to take a step back.
‘I’ve had the joyful experience of my wife calling me to demand to know what my connection is with the Rouge Passion Hotel in Kensington.’
Chapter Nine
‘What? How the hell does she know about that?’
His eyes narrowed before he spat. ‘Oh come on, Red. I know you were hurt when you found out I was married, although things weren’t how you thought. And yeah, I accept that gave you reason to hate me and to seek revenge. A woman scorned and all that . . . and I’m not saying I didn’t deserve it but I thought you’d at least have the decency to own up to it. Especially since you’ve made it clear that we shouldn’t keep anything from one another.’
Isla shook her head in complete bewilderment. ‘Xander, I have no idea what you’re talking about but I can guess that I’m implicated in some way so you’re going to have to spell it out. And could I suggest that you enlighten me in the privacy of your room? I’m not sure the other guests would appreciate being witnesses to whatever drama has beset you and your wife.’
He thrust the door open for her to enter. As she passed him, she could feel his barely contained temper. She wrapped her duvet around her a little tighter as if it would somehow shield her. She flinched as she heard the door slam behind her.
‘Well?’ he demanded, once he’d positioned himself in front of her. Loathing emanated from his every pore.
Again fighting the urge to shrink back, she looked him squarely in the eye. ‘Well, I can gather that your wife has found out about your involvement in Rouge Passion but what I don’t understand is what that’s got to do with me.’
‘She knew your name, Isla,’ he spat. ‘In fact, she knew rather a lot more about you than that.’
Reeling from the shock of hearing him use her real given name for the first time and with such venom in his tone, Isla shook her head mutely.
Misinterpreting her silence for guilt, Xander continued, ‘I may have hurt you but it was never intentional. I never sought to deliberately harm you in any way. Does it not occur to you that I could have ended that whole charade with the security guards keeping me out of my own building? That I couldn’t contest your ownership of the hotel? That I couldn’t have made your life a misery if revenge was the action of choice? I could have done all those things and more but all I wanted was you. I underst
and that you were angry, and God knows it was my own fault so I can see why you’d go running to Janine and tell her about us but why would you bring the hotel into it? I thought your plan was to keep it for yourself. I know you don’t know the scheming, gold-digging bitch but surely you would have had an inkling that she might want to lay claim to the hotel. Or did you think that you two could conspire together and make sure I didn’t get it back? Was that it?’
Isla regarded him contemptuously. ‘Have you quite finished making an arsehole of yourself or would you like to continue?’
They glared at each other, chests heaving and adrenaline flowing.
‘I take it you’re done, then. I haven’t spoken to your wife or communicated with her in any way. I have no idea where she lives or how to contact her. Until you mentioned it earlier, I had no idea of her name. I can assure you, Xander, that whoever told her about us and the hotel, it categorically was not me.’
As she spoke, she saw confusion flood his features before his frame began to relax.
‘But if not you, who the hell?’
‘I have no idea. Perhaps you should have asked her, since she seems to be the one who knows everything. Oh and while you were at it, perhaps you could have asked her who the father is.’
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wished she could stretch out and catch them before they reached his ears.
