by Lori L. Otto
I smile at the prospect, suddenly nervous and anxious to see her. What if all the hostility comes back when I see her standing in front of me? Then what?
Then maybe she isn’t the one. I have to be open-minded about that, too.
THE END
“Max, bring me that marker, will ya?” I ask my brother with a box of books in my lap.
“Why do you have to go back?” he asks me, reluctantly handing me the Sharpie.
“I’m going back to school, silly. And so are you. We’re going to be busy learning things, right?”
“Why can’t you go to school here?”
“Because my school’s in Manhattan, you know that.” He watches me with his arms crossed as I label my belongings. I set them to the side. “Come here.”
Max throws his arms around me, hugging me tightly. “I don’t want you to go.”
“I’m not leaving today, Max, so don’t get all mushy on me yet,” I say with a laugh, tickling his sides to force him to let go of me. “My flight’s not until the day after tomorrow. So what do you want to do today?”
“You’re not going to work?”
“Nope, my last day was yesterday. I just need to go pick up my paycheck today.”
“Can I go with you?”
I shrug my shoulders. “Sure… why don’t we get Will, too, and we’ll just have a guy’s day? Whatever you want to do.”
“That sounds fun,” he agrees.
“Go get dressed.” Max leaves the room hurriedly as I put one more layer of tape on the box, hoping it will arrive in one piece after being manhandled by the airline. I put it against the wall next to my luggage by the door on my way out. “Will, wanna hang out with us today? Just the guys?”
“Sure! What are we doing?”
“Anything you guys want, if you can agree on something. Or else we’ll just take turns going places.”
“I want to learn how to ice skate,” Will suggests. “They have hockey at school, and it’d be cool to play. I think Max is interested, too.”
“Yeah? We could do that. I’m probably a little rusty, so don’t look to me to teach you this lesson.”
“Maybe I’ll be able to do something better than you,” he says.
“There’s a first time for everything, right?” That earns me a punch in the arm. “Is that the best you’ve got?” I challenge him, daring me to hit me again. He does, but it’s still weak. “Man, if you’re going to play hockey, you’ll need to learn how to hit a lot harder. And no, you can’t practice on Max.”
Will grins a little, grabbing the book he’s been reading and going into the living room. This reminds me to go back to get my bag with a textbook and the letter I got from Livvy in this morning’s mail. Our little brother joins us moments later, and we all head out to enjoy our day together.
Shane greets me at the the worksite with my check.
“I’ve put a letter of recommendation in with it… should you ever need it. Don’t hesitate to use me as a reference. If you stayed here, I’d hire you for every job I’ve got.”
“Thanks,” I tell him.
“These your brothers?” he asks as we both walk toward the car.
“Yeah.” I signal for them both to get out. “Will, Max… this was my boss, Shane.”
“Nice to meet you, sir,” Max says, which is much more polite than Will’s simple, “Hey.”
“Thanks to both of you for letting Jon spend so much time here. Thanks to him, we’ll probably finish a week ahead of schedule.” He smiles at Will and Max, then leans in. “I added a little bonus to your brother’s check, so you make sure he takes you somewhere nice for lunch, you got it?”
“Yes, sir!” Max says.
“Thank you for the opportunity, Shane. You’ve been a great boss.”
“If you find yourself back here, look me up… but go get that degree first.”
“Yes, sir,” I say with a chuckle, shaking his hand. “Best of luck to you.”
“Thanks, kid. You, too.” He pats my arm before heading back to the house. I wave at a few of my coworkers before corralling my brothers into the car.
“Where to, guys?” I ask them, taking a peek inside the envelope. In addition to my paycheck is five-hundred dollars cash. I glance out the window to see if Shane’s still around, but he’s already gone inside. Wow. I never expected that.
“Ice rink, ice rink!” Max is chanting from the back seat.
“Ice rink it is,” I say, driving to a facility I’d seen near Audrey’s house.
Once we’re there, I help Max lace up his skates before putting mine on. Will has picked up a class schedule and tucked it inside his book. He heads to the ice, walking in skates with more confidence than he should probably have.
Max is equally excited, tugging on my arm while I secure our things into a locker. When we finally make it to the rink, he’s cautious about stepping on the ice. “You’re going to fall, Max, okay? That’s just a fact.”
“I don’t want to,” he says.
“I don’t want to, either,” I tell him, “but I’m going to fall, too. I don’t believe that humans were meant to ice skate.” After saying it, I look around for my other brother, and see him doing remarkably well on his own. “At least this human wasn’t meant to.”
I step onto the ice first, but Max is hesitant.
“I’m scared, Jon.”
“Don’t be, buddy. You’re short, so you don’t have far to fall… plus, they have bars you can hold on to around the rink, see?”
“Hold my hand?” he asks.
“Sure thing,” I tell him, taking his small hand in mine and waiting for him to get enough courage to take his first step. “Just get a feel for it. You can just walk first.” I pick up my feet and show him how it’s not that different from walking normally. “Instead of heel-toe, you just pick up your foot and put it down in one motion. Just like you did on the carpet. You just want to be more sure of your step on the ice, because if you’re not at the right angle, the skate will slip right out from under you.”
“And then I’ll fall.”
“Yeah.” I put him between me and the wall, encouraging him to hold on to the rail, too. Mom will kill me if he breaks a bone two weeks before school starts. We go very slowly around the rink, and when little girls start to pass us, Max starts to get a little more daring. He tries skating, still gripping tightly to my hand. At his slow pace, I just have to keep stomping in my skates. “You’re doing great, buddy!” I tell him as his strides take him a little further.
“Good job, Max,” Will says loudly as he passes us. He seems to be a natural at this. He stops abruptly and moves to the side of the rink. “Jon, let him try on his own.”
“I don’t know…” I don’t think he’s ready.
“Max, let go of Jon, okay? And then just come toward me. You can go slow.”
Our younger brother nods as he releases me, and then lets go of the wall, too. Will cheers Max on as he glides cautiously toward him, taking tiny steps away, increasing their distance, but our youngest brother is laughing, liking the challenge.
“See, Max? You just have to try… it’s not hard, is it?”
“No!” he says excitedly, stumbling a little but managing to stay upright.
“Jon, go skate,” Will says. “I’ll watch him.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll do a lap,” I tell them both, skating off slowly. Little kids still pass me, but I’m okay with that.
I remember wanting to go skating with Livvy. I was sure she’d been a million times, and I knew it was a cliché date idea, but I wanted us to cling together in the cold, supporting each other when one of us felt unsteady on our feet… kiss after we fell on the ice. It seemed like such a fun, free thing to do.
I pass my brothers a few times, trusting Max with Will more and more as I watch them together. When I decide to take a break, Will is holding Max’s hand and pulling him with him. Our little brother can’t stop smiling as the breeze whi
ps through his messy hair.
I go to the locker, taking off the skates and putting my sneakers back on. I grab my backpack and head to the cafe area, ordering some ice water before settling into a booth in the corner.
I wonder if Livvy will continue to write me when I go back to Manhattan. I’ve become accustomed to her letters. If they were to stop, I know I’d miss them, and her.
I love you, Jon.
I loved you when you first kissed me. I loved you when you last kissed me.
I loved you when I kissed Finn.
Ugh. Seeing his name still irritates me, but I’m interested to see where she’s going to take this letter.
My graduation day was supposed to be really special. It was a milestone, and not because I was leaving high school behind, but because it was another step toward independence. Imaginary barriers that once held me back simply because of my age or grade would no longer stop us from moving forward with our lives.
I had been looking forward to that day for a long time.
When I woke up that morning, I couldn’t wait to see you. At first, I’d forgotten we’d even fought. But as soon as I moved in my bed, the throbbing pain in my head brought back all the bad memories from the night before. I started crying, waking up my mom. She’d slept with me that night to make sure I was okay.
The morning was fraught with confusion for me. Nothing really made sense. Why was I rushing to get ready? Why did I pick out the dress I was going to wear? What did I want for breakfast? Why couldn’t I stop crying? Why wouldn’t my brother settle down? Every decision seemed difficult. I was annoyed.
Had it been any other day, I would have crawled back into bed and stayed there. I’d even asked my dad if I had to go, but of course he said yes.
I see no reason why I should have listened, though. If ever I should have stood up to my father, it would have been that day.
It was a horrible day.
To begin with, I had a terrible bump and bruise on my head. It was my own fault, I know, but I still should have taken time to heal.
Then, we were fighting. I’m not sure what more I could have done to work things out. You weren’t answering my calls or texts. Why did you do that, Jon? Why do you shut me out when we have bad fights? I can’t stand it. All I want to do is work things out, and you always run away.
Why?
I don’t think I can accept that anymore. We’ve been through too much for you to just walk away without trying. If that’s the only way you can cope with arguments, well… I don’t think it’s fair or right. I’d even say I don’t think it’s mature.
She’s right about all of it. I should have picked up the phone the first time she called. Ignoring her over and over again just created more tension, more distance, and look where it’s gotten me. For someone who was constantly thinking she was the immature one, this is one of the worst things I could have done.
An adult faces these problems. An adult gives other people the chance to explain, to apologize, at least to talk.
What an ass I’ve been.
You didn’t show up to my ceremony… when we should have been celebrating it together. It was a monumental disappointment, Jon. Remember how you felt when your mom missed yours? I never thought you’d do that to me.
How could I have done that to her? I remember the immense sadness. I hate that I made Livvy feel the same way.
To make matters worse, they called me by my birth name at graduation. And it wasn’t just embarrassment. It disassociated me from my family. It reminded me that this wasn’t where my life began. People laughed at me. They laughed as they watched me remember that I was once an orphan, and didn’t always belong to this loving family.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to, and then I did.
For someone who was already in a state of confusion and sadness, this sort of pushed me over the edge. I lost it.
Please, try to put yourself in my shoes. If you were in my head that day, you would have been just as lost and as low as I was.
I’m not saying what I did was right. I’m not saying it was excusable. I’m not saying it was smart or warranted or forgivable. I’m not saying it was what I wanted. I never wanted to kiss him. There was never a conscious thought that led me to him. It was not premeditated. It was not done in a moment of passion. It was not anything you’re making it out to be.
The only thing it was… was a mistake.
I wanted you. I wanted you to hold the icepack to my head. I wanted you to sleep next to me that night and make sure I was okay. I wanted you to stand backstage at my graduation and hold my hand, tell me that I looked beautiful even though a large, white bandage was sitting just beneath my cap. I wanted you to be there when they called me the name of a girl I haven’t known in thirteen years. I wanted you to hold me and console me. I wanted to cry in your arms. I wanted you to kiss me.
I wanted you to kiss me and make it all better. That’s all I wanted at all that day.
You.
Only you.
Always you.
Where were you?
I’ve felt bad all summer for what happened. I won’t feel guilty anymore because I know there was no intent or motive. I know what happened was innocent. I am just sad you haven’t given me the chance to make you see that.
I know where my heart is; where it’s been for the past two years; where it’s been every single day this summer. It’s been with you, waiting for you, yearning for you, making plans with you…
Has it been a waste of time?
Is it time to let go?
I’ve learned so much about myself this summer. I’m strong-willed. I’m independent. I’m expressive. I’m unpredictable. I’m worthy of love.
If not yours… someone’s.
I put the letter aside and put my head in my hands. It would serve me right for her to give up now. All this time, I’ve been blaming her. She’s been the bad guy, the one who ruined everything… but I’ve done just as much damage. I know I have.
You’re making me question everything. I felt like I knew where my life was headed, but maybe I’ll be traveling that path alone.
We aren’t finished.
Is there any point in thinking I can convince you of that now? Should I continue to try?
I guess the point now is… I’m not finished. I have a full life ahead of me, and I’m excited about it.
I wanted you to be there to share it with me. I can’t stop you from walking away, though.
I won’t try to anymore, either.
The End
I turn the letter over, face down, to hide those words. Is it over? For good? Has she given up on us?
The End, it said. This must be the last letter. She has to know I’ll be back in Manhattan soon. I’m sure she knows when the move-in days are. She’ll be going to school with me.
The End. Like the final scene of an epic love story. I can see it now, written in a flowing typeface. White text on a black background.
The End.
Fin.
Finn?
How prophetic.
After Max and Will had exhausted themselves on the ice rink, I took them the hamburger place that Audrey and I had gone to on our first date. We took pictures of each other with milkshake mustaches. We even had a woman at the next table get one of all of us. We laughed so much together that I forgot about the letter for a little while.
I took them to a movie after that, and while they laughed at the inanity of the film, I couldn’t help but think that this was just the type of movie I would take Olivia to. I imagined she was sitting in the empty seat to my left. I couldn’t sustain the fantasy, though, because I couldn’t feel her touch. When we were at the theater together, not a second would go by that we weren’t kissing or cuddling or being gently affectionate with one another. I yearned for her, and I felt broken-hearted, thinking of her letter.
The End.
On the way home from the movies, I told myself I’d call her when I got back to the house. My brothers had other ideas,
though, and got out a Scrabble board and a deck of cards. Max fell asleep next to me on the couch after about an hour, but Will and I played games with my mother and aunt until two in the morning.
After I carried my youngest brother to bed and tucked him in, Will followed me to my room and talked to me until the sun came up. I was grateful for the company, and by the time we both went to bed, I was so tired that I drifted off in a deep and dreamless sleep.
It was exactly what I needed.
HEALING
Mom has the day off on my last full day in Utah. We spend the day together as a family, starting it off by taking some pictures before it gets too hot. At my mom’s request, my brothers and I all wear nice shirts and ties. It’s been weeks since I’ve dressed up like this, and as I secure the knot beneath my collar, I can’t help but think of Livvy, and the many times I dressed up to take her out. I wore the same tie to her graduation. I still remember tearing it off the second I got home, feeling unable to breathe. Of course it had nothing to do with the neckwear.
The posed pictures seem silly and foreign. While I’m proud of my mom and how much she’s accomplished in the past few months, it’s not easy to forget the years of neglect we all suffered through because of her actions. I still smile, though, hoping that framed photos of us around the house will remind her why she’s doing this, and keep her from going back to the alcohol.
Will isn’t quite as accommodating. More than once, I’ve heard him mumble how stupid the photo shoot is. I am ashamed to say I agree, so I don’t. I think we are both old enough to realize this is only a start; that there is a long road ahead of us that threatens to keep us apart.
“Mom, when can we go back to New York?” he asks at one point.
“I thought you liked it here,” she says to him. “I thought you liked the school, and your friends.”
“They’re great, but I don’t like Jon being so far away.”
“I know,” she says, putting her arm around his shoulders. He shrugs away, and she looks at me, frustrated. “One day at a time, though, alright, Will? That’s how we live today.”
