by Erin Zak
She keeps her eyes closed even though she feels Carol’s weak hand wrap around her fingers and squeeze.
“It’s okay if you do. She’s easy to love once she lets those damn walls down.”
Her eyes are still closed, half due to embarrassment and not wanting to look Carol in the eyes, but also because she really is scared about her feelings for Gwendolyn. She’s never loved another person the way she loves Gwendolyn. The push and pull, the desire and craving, the sheer inability to understand what has happened to her. All of it scares the shit out of her. Knowing Carol knows, understands, and wants to make sure she’s always there for Gwendolyn is adding to the confusion. She finally looks up, at the small smile now on Carol’s face. “How long have you known?”
She shrugs. “Since brunch.”
Lila gasps. “Brunch? Seriously? That was three months ago.”
“What’s the big deal?”
“I mean…seriously? Look at us. She’s your daughter. I’m like, whatever I am.”
“Another daughter.”
“Okay, that makes it worse.”
“And my best friend.”
“Carol, seriously.” Lila laughs. “Do you see how fucked up this is? Your best friend and other daughter in love with your real daughter?”
“Oh, in love, hmm?”
Lila groans. “Not the point.”
“Take a breath. And try to tell me what you mean.”
She shakes her head as she lets out a frustrated groan. She doesn’t know what she means. All she knows, with complete certainty, is that she is in love with Gwendolyn Carter. She loves every single thing about her, from the way she moves to the way she speaks to the way she touches her in the middle of the night as they’re sleeping. She loves the way she has no filter. She loves the way she coaches the girls. She loves her spirit, her tenacity, her humor. She loves her body…everything about her body. And my God, the way she kisses…
“You gonna talk, or are you going to stare longingly at the wall?”
Warmth floods Lila’s cheeks. She shrugs. “I really enjoy being around her. And I’ve felt bad about it since the moment I felt connected to her because I thought the connection only existed because of my relationship with you. I didn’t want to fall for her. I’m her ten years ago. She called me your second chance. I don’t know. I think it’s weird.”
“My second chance, hmm?”
“Yes.” She sighs deeply and lets her shoulders slump as if the confession has drained her. “I don’t know how to love someone like her.”
“Carefully, my dear.” She grips a little tighter. “I can guarantee she feels the same way about you.”
“How? Have you two discussed this?” She moves her hand back and forth between the kitchen and herself.
“I’m her mother. I know things.” Her eyes are bright for the first time in weeks. “As much as she’s pushed me away, I still know her. A mother always knows her child. And…” She pauses, leans her head back, a smile coming to her face. “I will always know you, as well.”
“You’re telling me you wouldn’t have been upset about this?”
Carol chuckles, low and groggy. She raises her hand, then drops it. “Can we continue later? I’m very tired.”
“Of course. Get some rest. I’ll have Gwen get you your pain medicine.”
“Lila,” she says before she leaves. “I love you. I always will.”
“I love you, too, Carol.” She places a kiss on her cheek. “You’ll always be my mom.” She whispers the words against the baby soft skin.
So much for being strong. She wipes the tears away as she leaves the room and locks herself in the bathroom.
* * *
How does a person start to heal when someone she’s loved for most of her life leaves?
Lila leans her head against the wall. She sat on the stairs after her cry-fest in the bathroom. She is shaking and worried that if she moves too far too fast, she’ll pass out. She hates crying. She always has. But now she hates it even more. Because the tears are futile. They don’t do anything to help. All they do is hurt her even more. And nothing is going to take away the pain of losing Carol.
She has tried a hundred times to remind herself of the truth. Carol isn’t her mom. Carol is only another person in her life. The memory of Carol and all of their times together will fade into the background. Like everything else she has lost.
The first time she met Carol, the anger and frustration in her eyes all aimed at Lila for pushing to let her try out for the team. “If I don’t have volleyball in my life, I’m not sure what will happen to me.” The words are still so vivid. The sound of her young voice, the way the words ripped out of her, like nails on a chalkboard, was the first time she’d been honest with someone other than her best friend. Her best friend whom she had to leave.
The first time she stayed the night at the Carters’. Her parents were reluctant to leave her, but her honesty with Carol was extended to them. She told them she was a mess, and this was the first time she felt complete. She couldn’t leave, and once they understood, and Carol spoke with them, they decided. She snuggled into the bed which would become hers, with the poster of NSYNC on the ceiling. One of many things she refused to change in the room. She remembered liking Gwendolyn’s style. If only she knew then what she knows now.
The time she told Carol she was a lesbian.
The time she told Carol she wanted to go away to college.
The first time she went to the movies with Carol.
The first time she had to drive Carol home from a devastating volleyball loss.
So many firsts. And now all the lasts.
Everything is adding up, and the realization is becoming harder and harder to deal with, to stay strong through.
“Can I sit by you?”
Gwendolyn is hovering over her now, her hair in loose curls, her face clear of makeup. She’s holding a plate and a mug of something hot.
“Cinnamon sugar toast. Earl Gray tea.”
“Please say you put cream in it.”
“You doubt me?” Gwendolyn sits and hands over the mug. Lila takes a sip and lets the warmth wash over her, comfort her. Crying always makes her cold. She rests her head against the wall.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Gwendolyn nudges her. “Toast. Eat.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Eat.”
Lila looks down at the plate, then at Gwendolyn, then back at the plate before she takes a slice. She bites, chews, takes another bite, chews some more, and before she realizes it, she has eaten the entire slice. “Guess I was hungry.”
“It’s easy to put yourself last.” She smiles, shrugs, and a grimace appears on her face. “I have been doing it expertly.”
“Yes, you really have.”
“I’m sorry I was so awful to you.”
The apology is heartfelt; it really is. But there is something inside Lila, something which isn’t allowing her to easily shrug off the hurt. “It’s okay.”
“No, Lila, I am very sorry. I was awful. I should have listened to you, to your reasoning, to everything.”
Her voice is strained. Lila understands why. She knows Gwendolyn is sorry. And she knows she needs to be okay with what happened. Well, maybe not okay so much as able to compartmentalize these feelings. Gwendolyn has been going through the hardest time of her entire life. Harder than coming out, harder than finding out her father isn’t the man she thought he was, harder than anything. All of those reasons are easy to forget when feelings get hurt, though.
Lila places a hand on Gwendolyn’s knee. “Listen to me. It’s okay. Your mom is…”
“Dying.”
“Yes.” Lila sighs. “Dying. You’re allowed to be a little irrational.”
“She’s your mom, too.”
Her comment, the way she says it, causes remnants of toast to rise in Lila’s throat. She looks away and sips greedily at the tea. “I’ll be okay.”
“You’re allow
ed not to be.”
“So are you.” Lila looks at her hollowed cheeks from not eating enough, at the dark circles from not sleeping enough, at her eyes which seem so dark from the salty tears of sadness, at her full lips, dry and cracked from constantly wetting them and biting at them. “You are allowed to be a mess.”
“Look at me.” Gwendolyn motions to the state she’s in. “You don’t think I’m a mess?”
This is the worst she’s looked, yet all Lila can think is how magnificent she is. How real she is. How breathtaking. “You are a mess. But…” She pauses, takes a breath. “You have never been more beautiful.”
Gwendolyn steadies the mug before she places her lips on Lila’s. The kiss is gentle and too quick, but when she leans her forehead against Lila’s, it’s the most intimate contact they’ve had in weeks. “I love you so much.”
The words and the sincerity bring tears to Lila’s eyes, as if Gwendolyn’s only purpose on this planet is to sweep in at the final hour and completely mend every broken part within Lila’s weak and tired soul. “I love you, too.” Her voice cracks, and Gwendolyn’s lips are on hers again. This time, the kiss is longer but still as gentle. When she pulls away, Lila offers her a small smile. “I don’t know how to do this without you.”
“I know.” She runs her hands through her hair violently and groans. “I hate this. I hate all of this.”
“I know.”
“I don’t…I didn’t…what the hell?” She clenches her jaw so hard the muscles in her cheek flex. “I have so many regrets, Lila.” She lets out a shaky breath. “I should have never left for all those years.”
“We may have never met if you didn’t.”
“What do you mean?”
“Everything happens for a reason, my love.” She places her hand on Gwendolyn’s cheek, caresses it softly, and smiles. “If she would have been okay with you being who you are, you might not have left. Or you would have come back. And I might never have stayed. I could be dating German women right now.”
Gwendolyn’s laugh is so fitting, the sound, the volume level, the full body shake. All of it. “You’re nuts. You know that, right?”
“I do.” Lila pulls her closer. “We’ll get through this.” And she means it. Not because she made a promise to Carol to be there for Gwendolyn, but because she knows that together, they can get past anything.
* * *
The curtains are still open in Carol’s makeshift hospital room. The only illumination comes from a tiny lamp near the entry and the nearly full moon streaming in, casting shadows. The shadows are ironic considering the amazing day Carol had. Evening has brought the drastic turn they were warned about and feared.
Gwendolyn tucks as close as possible to the bed, her shoulders slumped, holding Carol’s frail hand, watching as Carol’s breath continues to become more labored. The quiet feels suffocating because even the gentle beep on the heart monitor, the whir of the oxygen, and the gurgle of Carol’s breathing are hard to handle. Certain constants are hard for Lila to deal with. And these sounds? They’re both constant and awful, yet… There’s something comforting about them at the same time.
The sounds mean Carol’s still here.
She’s still fighting. Even though she’s on her last legs, she’s still fighting.
She’s still here.
David arrives with a tray, a kettle, teacups, and cream arranged on it neatly. He starts to pour the water over the tea bag, and the kettle shakes against the cup, so Lila shoos him away.
“Go sit. I’ve got this.” She readies the teacups and hands one to him. She places her hand on Gwendolyn’s shoulder before she presents her with the cup. Gwendolyn takes the offering but says nothing. She sips. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Her voice sounds loud in the quiet room. When she goes back to her seat on the small couch, she takes her tea and blows on it. This will be her fourth cup. She’s wondering when the caffeine will start to work. She is wide awake, as much as she hates to admit it, but her eyes, her heart, her spirit, is tired. And she knows everyone in the room feels the same.
The night shift hospice nurse, Vanessa, administered the first round of morphine about an hour ago. Lila checks her watch. They have around three left before the next nurse makes an appearance.
“The benefit of the home hospice care provided by the VNA is that the patient can have all the comforts of home during their final hours,” Dr. Wynn explained when Carol asked about it at the beginning of her treatment. Clearly, it shocked the good doctor, but she explained all the ins and outs. The comfort. The care. The pain management. Everything. Carol said it was what she wanted. She didn’t want to die anywhere but home. Hearing those words so early on was one of the hardest moments of the entire battle. The worst part was, Lila already knew. She knew right away, as did Carol, as did David; the chemo, the radiation, it wasn’t going to cure her. All it was going to do was stall the cancer from killing her as fast as it wanted to. Carol could manage the timeline a little better. And it all hinged on Gwendolyn.
“Are you okay?”
Lila glances at David’s red-rimmed eyes, the scruff he hasn’t taken a moment to shave, his messy and unruly hair. He looks horrible. If anyone was to question his love for Carol, Lila would recall this very moment and use it to remind herself that he did, he does, he always will. The intimacy might have died years ago, but their love survived. And sometimes, surviving is all a person needs to hold on to something and someone for as long as possible. She offers him a single-shoulder shrug and a grimace. “Not really?”
“Yeah.” He places his hand on hers. She glances at it, at the hair on his digits, at the pronounced veins, at his wedding band that through everything, he has never gone without. “I have never felt more inferior than I do today.”
“How?”
“I should have loved her better. Harder. I should have never let her tell me it was okay. I should have never done what I did. I should have never…”
“David.” Lila positions her hand so she’s holding his. He’s never been a man’s man, working in the yard or fixing things around the house. He has been and will always be a professor. A scholar. A man who loves with his entire heart. A man who has never been a horrible human being, as much as he wants to believe he is one. “She loves you.”
“I know. But she doesn’t.” He points at Gwendolyn, who’s in her own world, hopefully.
Lila squeezes his hand so he’ll look at her. She smiles. “You were her favorite man in the world. You have to understand, learning you aren’t the man she thought you were is going to damage things between you two. But…” She turns her gaze to Gwendolyn. “You have every opportunity to fix this now. You can fix it. Because she’s not going to hate you forever. She knows what can happen when a wound isn’t bandaged properly.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I am.”
Silence falls between them, him still gripping her hand, her still feeling as if every piece of advice she’s muttered in the past twenty-four hours needs to be said to herself in a mirror. She knows everything she’s said is easier said than done. She knows how difficult it is to fix a broken relationship, a broken heart, a broken home. She gets all of it. Fixing her relationship with her own parents has taken years, and nothing was technically broken with them. Their relationship didn’t work. Maybe it was defective from the get-go? She isn’t sure. But the Carters’ relationships with each other? Those are all salvageable. If Gwendolyn and Carol can find a way to mend their broken hearts, hell, anything is possible.
David walks to Gwendolyn. He places his hands on her shoulders, and she leans her head back to look at him.
“She’s getting worse,” she says. Her voice is filled with emotion. Lila cannot see her because of the way David is standing, but she can tell Gwendolyn is crying. Lila’s heart aches to hold her, to stroke her face, to rub her back, to do whatever she needs. But she is trying to give Gwendolyn the space she needs. The final moments with a mother she spen
t so long away from. Lila wants to erase those years of solitude for both of them. She has always questioned a mother’s maternal instinct to love her offspring unconditionally, but after witnessing the road home these two have traveled, she is a believer.
“I’m going to get some air. On the porch.” David kisses the top of her head before he moves to the other side of the bed. He leans forward, placing his face next to Carol’s, and whispers something. His shoulders are shaking, and when he pulls away, his face is wet. He pushes his glasses on top of his head. They push his hair back, and he wipes frantically at his eyes before he turns and exits.
Gwendolyn watches him head out. The swing makes a loud noise when he sits, and Gwendolyn looks to Lila. “Will you come sit with us?”
The question is so simple, she doesn’t need to respond. She moves cautiously, taking a chair on the other side of the bed. When she sits, she reaches over to Gwendolyn, and they link hands. Lila places a kiss on Carol’s other hand, on her knuckles. “I’m going to miss you so much.” She turns so Gwendolyn cannot see her tears. She wipes them with her sleeve. She knows Gwendolyn understands because of the way she’s gripping her hand.
“Is this what it would be like if we were actually sisters?” Gwendolyn’s question is absurd, and she quickly adds, “I don’t mean that how it sounds.”
“I don’t know. I hope we wouldn’t be sleeping with each other.”
Gwendolyn’s laugh is exquisite. “Good point.”
“You are the love of her life. There’s no question about that.” The words seem to slam into Gwendolyn, take her breath away. “I was never a replacement. I never held a flame to you. You, with your insanely large shoes to fill.” She smiles at Gwendolyn, who is listening intently, eyes wide, mouth open. “I knew nothing about you, yet everything at the same time. You were the one constant in my life, but I had no idea until now, until I met you. Standing right there.” She turns, points at the area across the room where they first met all those weeks ago. She takes a deep breath. “I had no idea my entire life was going to change.” She chuckles. “You were everything I thought I wanted to be. Now I know…” She pauses. She isn’t sure if she’s making any sense, but she also realizes it’s way too late to turn back. “You were everything.”
