by Cassie James
“I don’t hate you.” The words are so quiet, at first I don’t think he actually heard me. Then, he releases a relieved sigh that tells me more than words ever could. “But why did you do it?” I have a pretty good idea, but I want to hear him actually say it.
He makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat and glances over at me. “I’m just a jealous asshole. I didn’t have a good reason.”
“What did you have to be jealous of?”
“You’re joking, right?” he quips. He laughs like it pains him. “I thought we had something real, a real connection, and then you’re talking about fucking Jude right after we’d had the best sex of my life. Sex that meant something to me, and it felt like it must not have meant the same to you. I know that’s wrong now, but it was enough then. And then when you had sex with Tyler? I just snapped. In hindsight, I know I wasn’t thinking clearly, but it just felt like I lost all chances of being with you the second you were with Tyler again. He was her ex, and it didn’t feel like I could compete with whatever residual feelings you might have for him.”
It does something funny to my heart to hear him talk about having a real connection with me. It hurts, but it also stokes something deep inside me. A little blossom of hope that has no right flaring to life in my chest. Why should I be hopeful of anything? Especially knowing their jealousy comes from a place of them competing for me. I could never be happy with one of them. Not just one of them.
2.0 knew it, and now I know it, too. There’s something special about each of them, something that speaks to a primal part of me. It’s not something I can help, it’s just something I feel.
Brennan keeps talking. “The way I feel about you hasn’t changed, Pi. I think there’s something real between us, and I don’t think it’s going away. I’m—I’m not really sure what to do about it, if I’m being honest here. Because those feelings are there, just sitting in my gut—and I know I don’t deserve you, but goddamn, you’re all I want, Piper.”
I put my hand on his arm, that innate need to comfort flaring up. We’re pulling into my driveway now, and I catch myself wishing I lived further away, that I could prolong this ride with him for as long as possible. But he already drove the long way here. I can’t exactly ask him to take one more loop around West Ex just to keep me from having to say goodbye just yet.
He puts the car in park and turns toward me. “I’m here for the long run, Pi. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I just need to make sure you understand that.”
All these pesky feelings. My hand travels the length of his arm, brushing over his shoulder, and my stomach flutters as he leans into my touch. I wrap my fingers around the back of his neck and pull him close, my lips brushing over his in a silent thank you. Brennan kisses me back in earnest, and I’m only faintly aware of the sound of his seatbelt coming off as he tries to get closer. Leaning over the center console now, he takes control of the kiss, his tongue tangling with mine as I practically melt into my seat.
I’m an awkward mess as he hovers over me, my hands searching for purchase, grappling against his neck and arms, running down his chest and resting on his thighs. The seatbelt’s an unwanted hinderance, so I pull myself out of the heated kiss long enough to disengage the lock and shove him back toward his side of the car. There’s a protest on his lips that dies when I shimmy over the center console and straddle his lap in the confines of his seat.
I’m really starting to like this position.
My lips are right back on his, my body heating up like a summer wildfire. I try to ignore the way the steering wheel digs into my back. After a minute, Brennan shuffles a bit, and then the seat goes flying back, giving me room so that I don’t have to lean against the steering wheel anymore. I moan my appreciation as he puts his hands on my hips, trying to drag me closer.
The stupid dress is in the way again. Before I can reach for it, Brennan slides his fingers under the hem, working it up my legs and then over my ass as I lift up a bit for him. There’s another advantage to this position; I can reach between us, my fingers tracing over him through his pants. He’s crazy hard for me. As I add a little pressure to my touch, he wrenches his face away from mine to let out a pained hiss, his bulge pulsing up to meet my touch like it desperately wants to come out and say hello.
A shiver passes over me, and I’m not entirely certain if it’s from the cool winter night or the way he moans as I touch him. All I do know is that kissing and hesitant touching aren’t nearly enough. I put a hand over his, gently tugging his touch away from my hip and lower… lower.
“Piper,” he groans as he presses his thumb against the front of my panties, dragging it against me until I’m wriggling in his lap. Just that light touch is almost enough to make me come undone. The windows start to fog around us, both of us already panting heavily.
I reach for the button of his pants, popping it and lowering the zipper hastily, pausing only when Brennan’s fingers still. “What are you doing?” he croaks out.
“I really want this. I really want you,” I tell him honestly. There’s no use holding back. I’m sure he can tell that my panties have gone damp and that I’m barely holding it together.
“Fuck, I do, too.” He gestures to the other side of the car. “Glove box.”
I lean over to pop the glove box open, retrieving the shiny foil packet in the corner. While my full weight isn’t on him, he takes the chance to slide his pants and underwear down his legs, abandoning them around his knees. I glance up at the house, making sure it’s still dark. The only lights are the outside floodlights, and even though I know I should be more nervous about the possibility of being caught, I’m feeling far too good to worry about such things right now.
I rip the packet open, feeling a sense of power as I reach to roll it on him. I’ve barely lined it up before Brennan’s hand covers mine. “Let me do that,” he says hastily. My bottom lip turns down in a pout but he explains, “I won’t last otherwise. Seriously, Pi, I’m too close.”
I let go, letting him take over. The last thing I want is for this to end prematurely. Having the memories from my log back doesn’t even remotely compare to the real thing.
He’s barely managed to roll the condom on before I’m pulling my panties to the side and trying to inch closer to him, but he puts a hand on my shoulder to stop me. “Are you sure about this?” I put my hand over his. I think it means something that it’s the only question he asks. For a second there, I had a real fear that he might ask me to reassure him that he’d be the only one I wanted this time around—something I couldn’t have promised him. But this? Yeah, I can answer this.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything.”
He lets his hand slide around to the back of my neck, pulling me closer as my own hand falls away, and urges me forward, fully into his lap. I shift a little bit so there’s room for my legs as I sink down over him, collapsing against his chest as I cry out at the feeling of being filled. My whole body trembles as he gives me time to adjust, kissing his way up the side of my neck as I rock gently against him.
The moment it happens catches me completely off guard. He puts a hand on my ass to encourage me to move, and I shoot off like a rocket. I sink my teeth down into his neck to ride out the pleasure of that one, single stroke.
I’m a little embarrassed that I’m the one that ended up with the too-soon release, but Brennan seems pretty damn smug about it. His hand is still kneading my ass, keeping me moving at a pace he dictates as he wrings pleasure out of me for far longer than I would have thought possible. Even once I have nothing left to give, I stay plastered against him, working to keep the pace he wants even as his demands become more erratic.
“Fuck,” he mutters after a few minutes.
I start to ask what’s wrong, but then I don’t need to. He thrusts up to meet me one last time and then wraps his arms around me to hold me close as he jerks inside of me, coming so hard that he shudders as he finishes. I cling to him even after he’s clearly done, not wanting to lo
se the connection just yet. He strokes my hair as I lean my head on his shoulder, noticing the car windows are so fogged up now that you can’t see out of them at all.
That’s when I know I need to get up, before one of my parents inevitably realizes I’m out here and comes out to see if everything’s okay. I turn my head so I can kiss Brennan one last time on the mouth. As I climb back into my own seat, I do what I can to straighten my rumpled clothes. My hair is another story. I can only do so much about that. Luckily, I reach down and manage to find a hair tie in my purse. At least in a sloppy bun the disarray will look planned rather than just-fucked.
A sated grin stretches lazily over Brennan’s lips as he watches me while tying off the condom and pulling his pants back up. I don’t know what to say. I’m terrified anything I say now is going to come out wrong like last time and end up messing everything up all over again.
Brennan doesn’t seem to mind the silence, though. He takes my hand and kisses the back of it, nodding like he knows I have to go now. Reluctantly, I push open the car door and start to get out. I’ve got one foot out and one still in when I realize the front door is open. For one heart pounding moment, I panic. But then I realize Mom is standing in the doorway and she’s much too far away to have actually seen anything happening in the car.
I glance back in the car in time to see Brennan using his sleeve to clear the windshield—so I see the exact moment he sees Mom. His face fills with a panic that makes me giggle a little. Honestly, I’m flying so high at the moment I don’t know that anything could upset me even if Mom had seen us.
“Hey, Bren?” He jerks his head back in my direction and I offer him a coy wink. “Thanks for the ride.”
13
Piper
The ocean waves reach up to lick the side of the boat, splashing against the side in the weak, early afternoon sunlight. Macie jabbers on about everything and nothing next to me, but I can’t take my eyes off the water. In all the time since I first came back, I’ve only been in the ocean once. A part of me yearns to feel the ocean spray on my face, and I don’t question it like my earlier iteration did. Every part of me loves water, and it hurts my heart to see the cover on the pool every time I look out at my own backyard.
I asked earlier in the week if I could take the cover off and go for a swim, and Mom nearly lost her goddamn mind.
“It’s the middle of winter, Piper! Of course you can’t go for a swim.” Mom’s voice is somewhere between a screech and a Harpy’s yell, and I cringe as the noise assaults my ears. But as upset as she is, I so badly want this.
“But it’s sixty degrees out! And what’s the point of having a heated pool if you don’t use it?” Her eyes are wild at my question, and I don’t miss the way dad blanches at my words. I’m not entirely positive it’s the argument itself he’s leery of, or just the fact that he knows instinctually that it’s going to push his wife over the edge.
He tries to step in. “Piper, we haven’t taken the cover off the pool since...” The accident. The words hang in the air around us, and I lower my head, staring at the mishmash of vegetables on my plate. Every argument comes back to Original Piper, but dammit, I just want to dip my feet in the pool.
“But I love water! And I know how to swim!” It’s not an argument that works, though. Because as soon as the words are out of my mouth, tears are rolling down Mom’s cheeks and she’s sobbing with her face scrunched up in her napkin. Dad’s eyes narrow, and he shoots me an exasperated look as he rushes around the table to wrap his arm around her shoulders.
“Sorry,” I whisper and go back to picking at my dinner. They don’t acknowledge the apology, though, instead getting up and leaving me at the table alone. Leaving me to hope desperately that I haven’t mistakenly pushed Jackie over the edge.
“So, we get lunch first and then we can do some Christmas shopping, yeah?” Macie’s cheerful voice pulls me from my reverie, and I turn to her with a tired grin. It took us most of the morning to agree on a spot far enough away from our homes that we wouldn’t run the risk of being spotted by anyone at school. And then once we agreed on Catalina, I realized that was the easy part. I still had to call a car to Long Beach, and now we’re on the ferry but nearly there, at least. I’m freaking exhausted already by sneaking around, but I’m happy to be hanging out with my best friend, so at least there’s my consolation prize.
“I’m super glad we’re doing this, Pipes.” She says as the ferry approaches the dock, and I share the sentiment with my own excited smile. “I feel like we have so much to catch up on! I mean, we haven’t even talked about the hottie from Exeter I’ve been hooking up with!”
“I can’t wait to hear everything,” I tell her as we follow the small crowd off the boat. The blue waves crashing against the shore in the distance call to me like a siren song and ignoring that call while I try to focus on listening to Macie is quite possibly one of the hardest things I’ve been faced with.
It doesn’t help that the sound of the waves takes me back to that night on the beach with Brennan. I finally had the chance to fully take in my log, to read and dissect it, to understand who I was and how the people around me helped shape me into that person. And while Macie was fundamental in helping me understand human behaviors, it was the The Thorns that really put me through my paces when it came to my emotions.
And Brennan’s doing just as good a job with that for me as he did for 2.0. It’s been a week since we had sex in his Jeep, and he’s done exactly what he said he would. Giving me time to figure things out while also making sure to stay close, to prove that he was genuine when he told me he wasn’t going anywhere.
He’s really proving that his feelings are real, which makes everything so hard because I still don’t know what I want. It’s so easy with Brennan, but then I picture what it would be like to give up what I had with Tyler—what I could still have with Tyler—and the panic starts all over again. Plus, I’m still not entirely sure what’s going on with Jude. After what he did to 2.0, I don’t feel like I can trust him, but there’s something dangerous in his eyes. Something that promises if he got the chance, he’d suck me in and never let me go. And in spite of myself, I can’t seem to ignore the draw of that.
I run my hands through my hair as we follow the crowd toward the restaurants and shops in Avalon. Conflicted can’t begin to touch what I feel when I think about those three guys. Because as distant as Tyler was the first time around, he’s wholly involved now, picking me up for school, taking me to grab dinner after particularly long practices, checking in to make sure no one’s giving me trouble when he’s not around. I know he wants more, and it would be all too easy to give in to that. Except, I can only imagine how that would hurt Brennan.
At the end of the day, it all comes down to the fact that I can’t—won’t—choose between them. And it’s so freaking selfish of me, I know that, but I want them both, and they’ve more than proven that they can’t handle that.
“Hey, penny for your thoughts.” Macie says gently, and I realize I’ve been spaced out the entirety of the walk into town. My eyes were glazed when she led me to a cute little restaurant, and I certainly don’t really remember ordering the latte that’s now steaming in front of my eyes.
“Sorry for being spacey, Mace. I’ve just got a lot going on up top.” I tap my forehead, prompting her to let out a soft giggle. It’s hard, though, trying to keep up pretenses when I feel like I’m being ripped down the middle inside. My face must drop when I reach for my latte because a frown pulls her lips down at the corners.
“Have you managed to get through everything in the logs?” I nod numbly, trying desperately to keep my thoughts away from The Thorns. Chances to spend time with Macie are becoming more and more rare as the weeks go on, so I want to make the most of my time with her, not spend the entire time thinking about shitty boys and my stupid emotions. “And?” she prompts me.
I take a sip of the latte, relishing the way it warms me from the inside. The breezy ocean air is chillier
than I expected, and I wrap my cardigan tighter around myself as her eyebrows quirk. “And what?” I finally ask with a small shrug.
Macie shoots me a suspicious look but lets it slide as a waitress comes to take our meal order. As soon as she steps away, Macie pounces again. “And how are you doing with it? We’ve barely talked this week, but you seem less chilly toward Brennan, and you’re not snapping nearly as much at Jude. Which, for the record, I do not understand. He’s been King Asshole from day one.”
I give her a long look. I had no idea that she would notice that much about my interactions. She’s more observant than I gave her credit for.
She offers me a sheepish grin. “I got used to hanging out with you. Now that we’re not actually hanging out, I find myself with a lot of free time. And yeah, I’m invested, okay? I like knowing what’s going on with you.”
I can’t fault her there. I catch myself seeking her out during the day, too, just wanting to know how she is and what she’s doing. With a sigh, I answer, “It’s weird, for sure. I’m obviously still not okay with Brennan hacking my logs in the first place, but now it’s like thanks to him I got this super important piece of myself back, you know?” She nods along as she sips her coffee, and it’s a nice sentiment, but I know she can’t understand. Not really, at least. “I’m just still having a hard time with the reset. And the fact that I’m worried Jackie could choose to do it again any time for any reason.”
Macie’s face goes scarily serious, setting her coffee cup down as she purses her lips. She’s quiet for a long moment before finally asking, “Do you think she has any idea that you’ve been learning all this stuff about yourself?”
