by Cassie James
“Lethal Weapon?”
“Ugh, fine! Gremlins it is.” We both knew it was going to end here, with us watching the old horror film. It always does. I queue it up as I settle in, trying to get comfortable even though I’m itching to have Piper closer.
We share a smile as it starts playing, but I can’t help but notice the way her face falls, even if it’s only just a little. I turn the television down until it’s just a low hum in the background and sit up enough to be able to comfortably turn and face her. She drops her eyes as I stare, and damn that hurts. I want her to trust me enough to not hide how she’s feeling, but I guess I get it. It’s all too easy to forget what an asshole I was. Of course she’s not ready to fully trust me. I haven’t really fucking earned that, have I?
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
I don’t really need her to tell me. I can guess what the problem is. “It’s not a big deal, Piper. It’s okay for us to argue about Christmas movies. It doesn’t make you any less you.” I try to keep my words gentle, but it doesn’t have the affect I want it to. She turns further away from me, and her shoulders sag under the blanket.
“It’s—it’s not the same. They’re her memories I’m playing off of, not mine.”
“Pipe, you might have her memories, but that’s not the thing that defines you. I don’t look at you and see her, and you shouldn’t either.”
“I wish you actually believed that.” There’s a sad sort of smile stretching over her lips as she looks back over at me, and she keeps going before I can interject and tell her that I do believe that. “I wish I actually believed that.”
“Do you really think we don’t all know that you’re not her?”
Piper shrugs. “It’s not about you thinking I’m her. It’s about you all wishing I was.”
Oh, fuck that. I reach for her, pushing hair behind her ear so I can cup her cheek. Her eyes close as she leans into my touch. It takes me a long time to find words for her. I honestly didn’t realize she was still hung up on that. How could she not see how different we are with her? How badly we all want her—her, not the girl she was meant to replace. For all the feelings I thought I had for the real Piper, it’s nothing compared to what I’m feeling now. In fact, I don’t know what the hell I was doing with that Piper in the first place. I look back on memories I thought were fond, and realize I was only seeing things through rose-colored glasses.
“Piper, no one wishes you were her. No one.”
She keeps her eyes closed even as I lean forward and press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. As I lean back again, she opens them, so much anguish in her eyes that it makes my gut burn. “It doesn’t matter, anyway.” Like hell it doesn’t. “Even if I wanted to be closer to you guys—if any of you ever asked me to be serious about relationships, or sex, or you know, whatever…” She trails off, her eyes sliding over to look at the Christmas tree, the lights of it reflecting over her face as I stare at her, hating all the ways I think to fill in the blank she’s left.
“What are you saying?” I ask, because I want her to have to say it.
“I have nothing to give. No control over my own existence. I’m just living on borrowed time until Jackie decides to wipe me clean again. It was hard enough this time trying to find myself in all the mess—how could I ever do that again? And then again and again and again. What kind of life is that?” Her voice drops to a whisper, “Sure as hell not one worth sharing.”
“Piper, I know you said you didn’t want to be responsible for tearing The Thorns apart, but what you don’t understand is that you’re the only thing that’s actually keeping us together anymore. Even if Jackie does wipe you over and over again, you—you mean too much to us to not try to bring you back. Every time. As many times as we have to. You’ll always be worth it.” My voice is thick with emotion, but the veil of turmoil doesn’t lift from her. Instead she seems to sink behind it further while she stares at me with distant eyes.
“And what happens when one of those times you guys can’t bring me back?” My mouth gapes, and I flounder for an answer. What would I do if I couldn’t get her back? I almost get lost in the question, but then she’s speaking again, and I’m hanging on her every word. “Tyler, I know how much Piper’s death affected you, and I don’t ever want to leave you heartbroken the way that did.”
“It’s not up to you, Piper! And it’s too damn late!” Her eyes widen as I raise my voice. I have to take a deep breath to stop myself from continuing to shout. “Love doesn’t work that way, Piper. You love people in spite of life having no guarantees. All love is like that, no matter what a person’s body is made of.”
“Love?”
Shit, did I just say love? And is that really all she took from that? “Piper—”
She cuts me off. “Tyler, are you in love with me?”
“Uh.” My gut twists and my palms go sweaty. “I mean…” I’ve been going out of my way not to think about it. But now, seeing her here, wrapped up in a blanket next to me, spilling her most personal fears to me—well, hell. How could I not love her?
“Holy shit, don’t answer that,” she blurts out, a blush spreading over her face. She twists the blanket nervously between her fingers, then just tugs the whole thing over her head as if hiding from me is going to do any good now. “I can’t believe I just asked you that.” Her voice is muffled, not so much that I can’t hear how mortified she is, though.
And I can’t help but think it’s goddamn adorable. “Piper.” I say her name softly, trying to coax her out of the shroud of her embarrassment. It’s such a different vibe than just a few minutes before, but I’d take it a thousand times over. I bite down on my lip, hard, to stifle the laugh that bubbles to the surface when she shakes her still-covered head at me. “Piper—”
17
Piper
If an earthquake struck right now, ripping his floor in half and hurtling me to the Earth’s center, I wouldn’t even be mad. I’d be fucking relieved. Because even the heat at the Earth’s core can’t match the burn of the blush covering my cheeks. What the fuck is my problem? You can’t just ask someone if they’re in love with you.
“Tyler, please.” Begging isn’t usually my style, but I’m mortified, and I can hear him trying to stifle his laughter. “I’m trying to die of embarrassment over here. Have some respect.”
There’s a quiet rustling, and I can feel the couch dipping as he scoots closer to where I’m sitting, literally stewing in a cesspool of embarrassment. He’s gentle as he reaches for the blanket covering my head, and I only resist for a moment. I let the blanket fall over my shoulders, catching sight of the flush of laughter on his cheeks, and I can’t help the small, embarrassed grin that crosses my face.
“That wasn’t exactly the point I was trying to make,” he says, but his eyes are soft, so at least I know he’s not horrified by the prospect of having serious feelings for me. That’s something, maybe. Stop wanting things that can never be, Piper, you dumbass.
“Yeah, I got it.” I wrinkle my nose as he throws an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side. He turns the volume back up on the movie, clearly as ready to end that topic of conversation as I am.
I try to settle against him, but now my mind is moving a thousand miles a minute.
I poke Tyler gently in the side, and he jerks in surprise before turning his head to me. “I’ve been struggling a lot with my emotions,” I admit. I need too badly to talk this out with someone, and I can’t wait any longer. I only hope this doesn’t ruin things between us. “I’ve been trying to figure out if the things I feel are just leftovers from Piper or even 2.0.”
“Don’t,” he whispers, his face drawing closer until his lips are only a breath away from mine. “Don’t call yourself that.”
I cup his face in my hands, keeping him right there, so painfully close as I tell him, “Tyler, I was stupid. This isn’t about leftovers—it’s just about you. I like you. Me. Undeniably me.”
“
Piper.” It’s reverent, the way he says my name. My stomach dips as he closes the distance between us to catch my lips in the sweetest kiss I’ve ever had. I drop my hands to fist the front of his shirt. I’m already starting to crawl into his lap when he puts a hand on my hip and guides me closer until I’m straddling him. “Piper,” he groans my name. “I like you, too.”
My heart leaps into my throat as I study his eyes, looking for any sign that maybe he’s just messing with me. It’s not quite the l-word I was fishing for before, but it’s something. Something that I can’t ignore. I drop several closed-mouth kisses on his lips, seeking reassurance from the contact.
He pulls back. “The last time we had sex…” My stomach sinks as he trails off. I brace myself, waiting for him to say it was a mistake or that sex with me was just plain bad. His tongue darts out to wet his lips before he finishes, “I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.”
Oh. Not what I was expecting.
I wait patiently until he adds, “I think we should try again.” He runs his hands over my thighs, lighting me up like the Christmas tree in the corner. God, I should say no. The last thing I need is something else to cloud my already hazy judgement. I know that, but the way he’s looking at me like there’s no other person he’d rather be with, it soothes an ache deep inside of me. I’m nodding before I really realize it, and his smile is so bright, so genuine that I can’t help but wonder how I ever wondered whether he was seeing me or the ghost of another girl.
Tyler untangles himself from me and stands, offering me his hand to help me up, too. My knees are wobbly, and my stomach’s a twisted mess, but as I follow him to his room, I can feel my whole body buzzing for him. By the time he’s pushing his bedroom door open and throwing a devilish smirk over his shoulder at me, I feel like I might just burst into flames at any second. Because this, this is what it’s supposed to be like. Anticipation and feelings, heat and smiles, frenzied actions by two people who actually care for each other. He’s right, this is worth trying again, because this is what it should have felt like that first time. And even though we can’t erase what we did—and I’m not totally sure I’d want to anyway—we need this second chance.
But as he pulls me into the room, a different thought strikes me suddenly. My feet still, pulling to a stop behind him and yanking my hand from his grasp all in one swift motion. I can feel the nausea pushing closer toward the surface, and the longer I stare at his bed, thinking of him fucking Piper there, the more sure I am that I’m going to begin dry-heaving.
“What’s wrong?” He frowns, looking from me to the bed, which I’m still staring at. “It’s okay if you’ve changed your mind. We don’t have to do this.” What he’s saying is nice, but his face looks pained as he chokes the words out. And that’s not the problem at all.
“You had sex with her in this bed,” I point out.
He shakes his head slowly, realization dawning on him. “No. This bed is brand new—and the only person I want to have here is you.”
“It’s new?” I echo, staring at it even harder, as if I’d somehow be able to tell the difference. It’s stupid. I have no point of reference. It’s not like Piper went around posting pictures of her boyfriend’s sex bed.
Tyler wraps me up in his arms and looks down into my eyes as he explains, “I asked my parents to replace it. After what happened between us at Halloween… it just didn’t feel right. Sleeping in the bed I shared with her when the only one I could think about seemed to be you. So I figured if I just got a new bed, I would never have to worry.” He pulls an arm away from me to rub the back of his neck. “Y’know, if I was ever lucky enough to have you here. If I was that lucky, I didn’t want you to be Piper’s replacement—I just wanted you to be you.”
I’m not sure who moves first. Probably me, if I’m being honest, but we’re all over each other in seconds, all grappling hands and frenzied kisses as we pull at our clothes, at one another’s clothes, at anything within our grasp to make this real.
We’re both naked, and then we’re falling into bed together. These are the softest blankets ever. I don’t spend long on that thought, not when he lowers his mouth and kisses a trail across my breasts. My mouth goes bone dry as I watch him through hooded eyes. He’s beautiful, and it feels so damn good.
Too soon, he’s pulling away. I reach for him, trying to drag him back, but he moves too fast. He comes back to me a moment later, condom already out and in his hand. He’s just as desperate for this as I am. He climbs over me, reaching down to sheath himself but I tell him, “Wait.” He freezes as I trace my fingers down his arm and then pluck the condom from him. I’ve been itching to do this. His eyes close as I slowly roll the condom on over his… dick. I wrap my fingers around him, testing his girth, getting a good feel of him.
And then, because the way he’s looking at me right now is sexy as hell, I take it a step further. I keep my hand on him as I wrap the other around his midsection, pulling him down to me as I guide his dick to my entrance. His arms shake next to my head in an attempt to keep from bearing down on me with his full weight as I take him inch by precious inch. All the soccer conditioning in the world hasn’t prepared him for the intensity of this.
With a long groan, he sinks down onto his elbows, his mouth landing on mine.
I might have taken the lead, but Tyler’s quick to take back over. He moves his hips against mine, fucking me slowly as he continues devouring my mouth. I arch my back slightly, trying to get more comfortable—and my eyes fly open. Tyler doesn’t seem to notice the change but I fucking do. I didn’t know it before, but this, this is the best damn position to be in. From this angle, every time he pulls back it creates a friction against my… clit.
Damn, I hope no one ever expects me to dirty talk. I can barely even think the words without getting embarrassed.
This new feeling, it sends me sailing into a whole other dimension. I shatter into pieces, convulsing on the bed so hard that Tyler has to pause to let me ride it out. I fist my hands in his blankets as my head lulls from side to side. Just when I start to think it will never end, my body instinctively moves against his, urging him on. I start to regain my sense of self as he starts to build his pace back up all over again.
“Oh my god,” I moan as his hips jerk faster. Everything’s unstable. I’m not sure if it’s just me that’s shaking or if it’s the whole goddamn world, but all I know is that I never want to leave this perfect moment. My body’s a tingling, sated mess, and I’m positive I’m going to fall apart completely when Tyler slams into me with his own release shaking his body.
He collapses for a long moment, burying his head in my neck as the weight of his body rests over me. I stroke a hand over his back, marveling in the way his muscles relax under my touch.
And it’s in this moment that I realize that I’m so much closer to loving him than I ever realized.
18
Piper
The next few days pass quicker than I want them to as I become a regular at Tyler’s house. We sneak around, even though we probably have no reason to, but it makes the whole thing more exciting. Every day, I get wrapped up in him and fall for him even more. But I don’t ever dare say the words. I know the time’s coming when I’ll have to face the other guys and figure out what the hell I’m doing, but it’s easy to avoid thinking about it when I don’t have to face them while they’re away. I put my focus on Tyler, enjoying that, even while knowing it’s not the kind of happiness that would be enough—at least it’s enough for now.
I’m so caught up in the bliss that I forget I’m scheduled for a check-up with Stan. I don’t fight her when she reminds me about it, still treating her with caution since I don’t want to give her any reason whatsoever to even think about resetting me, but my stomach’s a fucking mess when I text Tyler to cancel our plans. It takes everything I have to keep a stoic expression as I climb into the car with Mom and stare out the window as we start the drive to Malibu.
This is the first time Mom’s taken me
to Stan since….
The closer we get, the more I struggle to focus on my breathing. I have to clasp my hands together in my lap because they start to shake. I trust Brennan. I trust him to have done what he said he did—but I don’t know if it’s going to work. Stan might see the flag in my files and decide what I want doesn’t matter. The Hawthornes own me, after all. I don’t have any rights of my own, not legally or otherwise.
Mom parks the car and kills the engine in Stan’s driveway. She eyes my shrewdly. “Piper, are you feeling okay?”
I force a smile on my face and make myself face her. “Yeah, sorry, I’m just a little tired. Tyler and I stayed up too late last night. Watching movies.”
She eyes me critically, but she doesn’t challenge me. She climbs out of the car, and I’m right behind her, even though I wish I could just hide out in there, never coming out and never facing what might or might not be about to happen.
Stan greets us at the door with a tight grin. There’s nothing sincere about it, but I can still see concern lacing his expression. His eyes are tired. The three of us are silent as he leads us through the house. Every step feels like I’m walking toward certain doom. I glance over my shoulder, snagging one last calming glance at the ocean glittering in the distance before it disappears out of view. This is it. I’m marching toward my own execution. Stan’s loyalty isn’t going to be to me. Mom’s going to find out everything that’s been going on and she’s going to ask him to reset me again.
My head starts to feel like it’s spinning. I press a finger against my temple, pushing in hard enough that it’s slightly uncomfortable, but trying to discreetly still my racing brain. If I don’t, I’m going to break out into whatever the android equivalent of a panic attack is. Which, as high tech as I am, might just be a regular panic attack. And that would sure as hell bring some questions.
