by Leanne Davis
“And that means you can’t have a younger boyfriend, doesn’t it?”
“Joey…” she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. His name symbolized all the conflicting feelings she wanted to express.
He shook his head. “I knew. I knew this was coming. There was no other outcome. Look, I’ve been called in. I have to go. So… I guess, that’s it.”
“Called in? Where? To do what?” Hailey’s mouth dropped open in surprise.
“I’m a volunteer firefighter for the valley. That lightning has started some fires around the area. Anyway, I need to get out there and help fight it.”
“I had no idea.”
He paused from his searching. “Yeah, well, there’s lots you still don’t know about me.”
“Joey, this can’t be it… We need to…”
He stared at her. “The end result is, you’re going to tell me you can’t be with me. There are reasons. Real, responsible reasons. And those are your kids. I know you well enough to understand I can’t talk you out of those reasons. Mostly because they’re your kids. I get that, Hailey. But it hurts. And honestly? I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to hear it. I already know it.”
In no time, he was off, out of the bedroom, carrying a bunch of stuff in his hands. He grabbed his keys and wallet, and a bottle of water from the fridge.
“Wait!” He was already at the door, and Hailey was chasing after him.
“Is it dangerous? What you do? I mean, do you work at a command center? Or do you actually plan to go out there and fight the fires?”
She had no idea what a volunteer firefighter meant. She reached out to touch his shoulder, a desperate gesture for him to stop. Just for a moment. A big moment. Their last moment. The end of their living strictly in the here and now.
He stopped dead at her touch and finally turned towards her. They stared forever into each other’s eyes, each seeing their hearts buried there. Tears glistened in hers. Joey nodded slowly. “It can be dangerous. I work the fire lines. And I really have to go now.”
“Joey…” She threw herself into his arms. He had no choice but to clasp her tightly. When he did, he almost knocked the breath out of her as he pressed her against his chest. She cried and clung to him as she sobbed, muttering over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for what I did to you…”
His mouth found hers in a hopeless meeting of lips and tongue and hot breath. Their kiss was long and inadequate. Then, ever so gently, their lips gradually parted until he finally released her. He stared into her eyes for a long moment before he turned and left.
And that was it. He was gone. Away from her. No longer in her life.
To go out and fight a damn wildfire. She had no idea he did such things. He was in the Army, so she supposed it probably made sense that he volunteered, and who better to do such a thing? Sighing, she doubled over and let her tears fall. Goddamned family. She loved her kids unconditionally. So fervently, but right then, she resented both of them and wished… She just wished she could have both worlds.
Slowly turning, she headed towards the cabin where her children, her ex-husband and his new wife stayed. To spend the night and not sleep. She would cry some more, and get up tomorrow morning and leave. Depart. Forever leaving behind the fling that felt like it was anything but a fling.
****
Hailey rolled over and woke up to yellow rays of sunlight shining brightly over her swollen eyes. She forgot to shut the shade in the room where she slept. Brent and his new wife took the master, while the kids shared the other bedroom. She found Brianna cuddled up to her sleeping brother, who had no idea of anything going down the previous night. Hopefully, he would be spared all the details of his mother’s liaison. After crying inconsolably until almost daylight, she finally fell asleep.
Now it was only eight o’clock as she rolled over and groaned. Stupid, fucking sunlight. Always in such grand abundance here. Once, she kind of loved it. The cheerful sensation of golden light and pervasive heat on her skin happening on a daily basis. It was cathartic and so lovely. But not today.
She slipped on a pair of shorts and a shirt and stumbled out of the bedroom where she found her family. Her replacement was making breakfast in a pretty little scene, and wasn’t it a picture? She held in the nasty thought, clinging to her resolve of the previous night. Her goal was to try to be better, FOR HER CHILDREN. She chanted it over and over. For my kids. Smiling, she pushed a hunk of snarled hair off her face. Her eyelids were puffy and seemed to reveal new wrinkles this morning against her haggard paleness. Yup, she wasn’t twenty-fucking-five as Trinity was. She was old and tired and every year of her life was revealed this morning in the wrinkles on her face.
“Good morning, kiddos.” She kissed the tops of their heads. Jacob leaned against her for a long moment. She hugged him and her daughter, who actually smiled sweetly, albeit with some embarrassment, at her. Then… Hailey nodded at Brent, who smiled back. Finally… she eyed fucking Trinity.
“Good morning, Trinity. It’s so nice to see you again.”
Trinity blushed and smiled too. Yeah, bitch, this is my family. Hailey shook the awful reply out of her head. NO! Not even her internal monologues were allowed to be negative. She had to change and grow the hell up. The magnanimous, new Hailey needed to step forward.
“You too, Hailey. We’re sorry to encroach on your vacation. Would you like some eggs?”
Yeah, indeed. Why the hell not? Sure, she’d eat the eggs cooked by her ex-husband’s new damn wife, who wasn’t all wrinkled, haggard, and tired. Not at all. She was tanned and fresh and even without makeup, no less gorgeous.
The fucking eggs were damned good too. Stupid bitch. NO! Nice girl, isn’t she? Sharing her eggs. Hailey nearly nodded, yes, making that the new Hailey’s mantra. Nice. She was nice. Brent, however, squirmed uncomfortably as she sat and ate the eggs and cantaloupe prepared by his new wife. He caught her eye, only to blush and smile in an awkward response. She sat back contentedly. He was far more affected by her presence than she was by his. That was new. She sat up higher. For once, she was actually pretty unruffled by having Brent there. He was her kids’ father. Period. That was huge. Seeing such progress in herself pleased her. It was something to consider praiseworthy.
Then Jacob said, “Did you see all the smoke?”
Hailey’s heart nearly stopped. Smoke? Fire. Joey. How did she manage to forget that this morning? She hopped onto her feet and stormed over to the sliding door to go out on the deck. Off on the horizon, further upriver, the plumes of black, thick smoke obscured the otherwise cerulean blue sky. The telltale scent just barely tinged the air. But it was starting to drift closer.
She turned and put a pair of flip-flops on her feet. “I have to go talk to Jack.”
All heads lifted at her panicked announcement. “Who’s Jack?” Brent asked.
“Rydell. Joey’s older brother. The owner of the ranch and resort.”
Brent stood away from the breakfast table and scurried towards her. They stepped outside, closing the door. From this view, they saw no smoke, just the cool morning before the sun rose. It was still stuck behind the mountain, barely illuminating the river. “I thought we agreed… no more with the Rydell kid. You and I going home, right? It’s all about the kids.”
“Kid? He’s no more a kid than Trinity is. They are the same damn age. Why does that part always seem to elude you? And when we go home, of course, Trinity comes with us,” she snarled, her voice too low for the kids to hear. “Sorry, but this is about making sure Joey’s safe. I didn’t know he was going off to fight a forest fire until after I broke his heart last night. I need to make sure he’s okay. You see, that kid is a volunteer firefighter and right now, he’s out there, fighting that uncontrolled blaze.”
Brent’s face relaxed. “What should I tell the kids?”
“You could try lying, Brent. That’s what I did when I had to tell them about where you were going with Trinity. Don’t do this. Don’t get all territorial ab
out me. You don’t want me. You haven’t wanted me in a very long time. Just because I found someone else, it doesn’t give you the right to act like it matters in the least to you.”
He winced and gripped his neck, pressing against the muscle. “Was it… was it this hard for you?”
She paused, frowning at him, keeping her mind on Joey and wanting to tune Brent out. “What?”
“Knowing that I was with someone else? That I had feelings for someone else? That I was having sex with someone else?”
“Yes, duh. Why did you think there were so much tears and fighting? You didn’t think it would be so hard, did you? God, you are so clueless as to how you feel. You always were. That’s why I had to tell you what you needed to address. Okay, Brent, you need to address our marriage ending and work it out for yourself. You ran so fast into Trinity’s arms, seeking the new and exciting to buffer the loss and pain that you didn’t really grieve what we lost.”
He closed his eyes. “Seeing you in his living room… all sleepy and rumpled and… and I don’t know, looking so comfortable was… Well, it hurt, Hailey. Much more than I expected.”
“Yes. I get that. Almost like walking in and seeing my kids eating breakfast that was made by another woman and realizing they must be pretty used to it by now, and might have even accepted it.”
“What if… what if we aren’t… I don’t know…”
She shook her head. “Buyer’s remorse. It’s just pangs of regret nagging at you. You didn’t expect me to ever have sexual feelings towards another man. But no, Brent, we didn’t make a mistake. We aren’t in love with each other. I have no clue if Trinity was the right choice for you, but I do know our divorce was the right choice. You just have to deal with the loss and ignore all the regrets or they’ll follow you with whomever you next choose to be with, whether it’s Trinity or someone else. Even if you choose to be alone. No, Brent, I don’t want to try again with you. There’s nothing romantic between us anymore. Now, I have to go.”
He touched her arm, stopping her. “Do whatever you need to do. I got the kids.”
She closed her tired, swollen eyes and nodded. “That is really nice and so supportive of you. That I could get used to.”
“We promised our daughter, and I want to live up to that. Since I didn’t with the other… things. Maybe my biggest regret is how sorry I am for cheating on you.”
She nodded as his hand slid off her arm. She needed to find out about Joey. Rehashing the old feelings and hurts was a waste of time. But Brent seemed to need it now.
“Thank you, Brent. I appreciate your apology. But maybe that’s what it took to get both of us to face reality. I was no happier than you when we were together. So, maybe it all happened this way for a good reason.”
His face showed sadness, surprise, and mainly confusion. But she left him to his self-doubts and candid reflections. She spent hours and days and months having those, and was more than glad to be done with them. She resolved her emotional outrage, which he ignored and forgot about, or just skipped over. Seeing her with someone else, a new sexual partner, had obviously illustrated what nothing, to date, could manage to convey to him: she was over him.
Hailey scurried across the resort and ranch. She searched the barns but found no one, just some ranch hands. She went down to Jack’s house and knocked on the front door. He answered, his surprise widening his eyes.
“Hailey?”
“Have you heard from Joey?”
“No.” He shook his head. “But we don’t expect to. It can be hours before he takes his first break. Why don’t you come in?”
She did, finding Charlie at the table eating watermelon and cereal with Erin, who smiled at her sympathetically. “Worried about Joey?”
Hailey started to pace. “I broke up with him. Of course, he knew that before I did. I didn’t realize he was a volunteer firefighter or that he was called out on this fire. I had no idea. He never told me. Then I left him, and he was angry, or sad, or something. I know he was feeling something negative and now he’s out there…”
Jack stepped forward to kindly put his hand on Hailey’s shoulder in an effort to stop her nervous fidgeting. “Don’t worry, Hailey, he’s a professional. Not his first rodeo either. He trained in firefighting during his stint in the Army. Not to mention, the volunteer program around here is pretty difficult to join. Starts out with a three-month probation period, and every Thursday night they have drills and intensive training with other firefighters. He had to complete something like seventy-two hours of online classroom and hands-on training combined during the three-month period, capped off with a written and practical exam after that. He’s had more than two hundred and forty hours of studying the erratic behavior of all kinds of fires and has advanced equipment skills, as well as a certificate for the completion of thespecial live fire training program. He’s mentally and physically ready for something like this and what’s more, he’s trained to do it. He’s so proficient, too. He keeps a cool head under any kind of stress. Trust me. He’ll keep his wits about him and stay safe. He’s an asset to their program and continues to help the DNR as does every other volunteer, regardless of their level of training.”
“DNR?”
“Department of Natural Resources… They handle all the fires around here. They employ all the firefighters, along with the heavy equipment operators who move the dirt to create barriers and fire breaks. You need perimeters to contain the fire.”
Hailey collapsed on the sofa, burying her face in her hands. “I had no idea. He doesn’t talk about himself like that. Or mention his accomplishments about anything. Much less, being… so brave and responsible.”
Jack sat across from her, and so did Erin. Then Jack said, “I think he’s just used to being modest. We were pretty hard on him for several years while he was growing up. But once he did, he earned our respect completely. By the time he came home from the Army, he was a different man than the kid who left. It took us all a while to get used to it. It wasn’t long before we, as a family, voted to put him in charge of the resort. We had to since he was so hard working, a good leader, and really comfortable around all kinds of people. Part of that comes from his ability to downplay his own strengths with self-deprecation.”
Tears welled in her eyes and Hailey pressed her head against her hands. “I didn’t want to hurt him.”
“Brianna?” Erin asked gently.
She nodded. A stabbing anger toward her daughter filled her heart. “I thought last night, we had this huge revelation between my daughter and my ex. But now? I feel like I let them blackmail me into surrendering something they had no right to ask me to give up. And I told him… I told him that.”
Silence lingered until Erin said gently, “Well, when he comes home, tonight or tomorrow… you’ll just have to tell him that you’ve changed your mind.”
She loosened her hands from her face and glanced up. “But… I haven’t. I mean, my kid can’t handle it if I’m with him. I can’t—”
“Charlie hated me too when we first got together.”
“He did?” She frowned at Jack. “Didn’t that bother you?”
“Of course it did. But it bothered Erin far more than me. I tried to talk him through it, and get him to understand it wasn’t Erin’s fault that he was so hurt by her presence in my life. I’d been a widower for as long as Charlie could remember. He didn’t like sharing me with a woman. Erin was respectful of his feelings and she gave him a lot of time to grow used to us. She let our relationship develop at a pace he could understand. Slow and steady. And in the end? I think it made us stronger, and when Charlie came around and grew used to her, and started to talk to her, and rely on her, they eventually built their own relationship. It’s a good one, actually, because it arose between them exclusively and separate from me.”
“Are you saying that you wouldn’t have let him, even if he were destroyed by it, dictate whom you decided to be with?”
“No. I wouldn’t have.”
�
��Neither did my ex, but I guess, as the mother, I feel like my responsibility requires that I put them first. Their needs and wants are my only priority, and this thing with Brianna is odd and awkward. But Joey got the worst of it all. He got hurt when all he did was—”
“Fall in love with you?” Jack said quietly.
She hugged her arms around her stomach. “Did he? Did he tell you that?”
“No. He didn’t. I raised him like my son, I know him, right down to his core, Hailey. I know he fell in love with you.”
She tilted her head. “Does it bother you that I’m so much older? If you see him as a son… and I’m your age…”
Jack shook his head. “Joey grew up in an unconventional family. There were no real parents. Just his older brother and sister-in-law, who had two younger kids. He was a brother and son to me and a brother to his nephews. Yet, after Lily died, there was no woman around to influence him. He was only fifteen. I don’t mean to say he has mommy issues. Actually, it’s just the opposite. He grew up to be self-sufficient and independent long before he left for the Army. He chose to do that, all on his own. And he did it all on his own. He became a firefighter all on his own. He never asks for anyone’s permission or advice, which actually includes you. He’s just… not your typical twenty-six-year-old. So learning that he was so attracted to you didn’t surprise me, not once I thought it all out.”
“You really think he loves me?”
“Yes.”
She shut her eyes. “Maybe, maybe I could stay. You know, until he comes back. Just so I know he’s safe. We… I can’t leave things as I did. And I just have to make sure…”
Erin smiled gently. “Have you eaten anything?”
“I had some eggs prepared by my ex-husband’s new wife.”
Erin let out a startled snort. “Ex’s new wife’s eggs? Those can’t have tasted good. Let’s eat together. Then you can come down to the barn and help me with the horses. It’ll be a good learning session for you.”
Hailey smiled through her watery eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered softly.
