Lisette and Stacy chitchatted throughout the meal. Isla wasn’t good with new people. She tended to get nervous and, instead of conversing, her head would start looping, trying to think of something else to say. Then the other person would have said something but she would have missed it because she was too busy trying to think of something to say next.
Jane stood up from the table and tapped the side of an empty glass with a spoon to get everyone’s attention. She wore a navy blazer with a cream silk blouse tucked into slim-fitting jeans and high heels. Her brown hair was blow-dried in glossy waves, her make-up obviously carefully applied but subtle.
“Here are a few little treats we had made for you, Vera. You might as well eat these guilt-free while you can!” She laughed, flashing perfect white teeth as she presented Vera with a stand of cupcakes, each decorated with iced baby faces, nappies and bottles.
“Oh my God, thank you! These look too good to eat!” Vera said.
“Now I just want to say a few words about our dear friend Vera,” Jane continued. “Don’t worry, I won’t keep you too long. Firstly, thank you, everyone, for coming today to celebrate Vera’s baby shower. I met Vera on the first day we started med school together and since then we have stressed about exams, exchanged notes, cried through bad boyfriends and more bad boyfriends.” Cue laughter. “And then we rejoiced when she met Mike.” Cue more laughter. “We were bridesmaids for each other’s weddings. Then Vera did me the honour of becoming godmother to my first-born son, Laurie, two years ago.” She turned to face Vera then. “Vera, I just wanted to say, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being such a good friend to me.”
Isla watched as Lisette gulped back her champagne.
“I think I can safely speak on behalf of all the women in this room today,” Jane went on, “to say that you truly are an amazing person, you will be an amazing mother and from the bottom of all our hearts we wish you and Mike every happiness on your journey into parenthood together. It will be the best thing you ever do. So let’s all raise our glasses to our dear friend Vera!”
They all stood up. “To Vera!” they said, clinking glasses.
Then everyone clapped. Jane beamed around at her audience and sat back down beside Vera who was dabbing away tears from the corners of her eyes.
“Jesus, I think Jane would actually push the baby out for Vera if she asked her to!” Lisette hissed into Isla’s ear, causing Isla to splutter the champagne out of her mouth.
Stacy looked at her in the way you would look at a child who was misbehaving at the dinner table. Isla wiped a dribble of champagne off her chin.
“Do either of you have children?” Stacy asked when the murmur of chatter started up again.
“No, it’s just me on my lonesome,” Isla said with a sad smile.
“Me neither. I just never met the right person,” Stacy said wistfully.
“Well, I’m only thirty-four now so I still have a bit of time to go,” Lisette said assuredly, “but if I’m still single by the time I’m thirty-nine then I’ve decided that I’m going to go it alone.”
“What do you mean? Use a donor?” Isla asked.
“Uh-huh.” Lisette nodded decidedly as she sliced her knife through the middle of a cupcake decorated with a sugar-paste baby’s face.
“Really, you would do that?” Stacy asked open-mouthed.
“Come on, you’re a doctor! Surely you must know that is happening all the time?”
“I work in ophthalmology, so I don’t actually,” Stacy said with a smile.
“Well, I don’t see what the problem with it is – if your car is broken down and you can’t fix it, you bring it to a mechanic – if your house needs work you call a builder. Why shouldn’t it be the same if you want a baby and you can’t do it yourself? You get help!”
“I suppose so . . . but my goodness it’s a big step, isn’t it?” Isla said.
Lisette shrugged. “Well, I guess it all depends on how much you want to have a baby.” Then she brought her cupcake up to her mouth and bit into the half-head of the baby.
Jane announced then that it was time for everyone to pass their gifts up to Vera to be opened. They watched as Vera carefully unwrapped presents in soft neutral tones and yellow and green pastels tied up with ribbons, bows and lace trimmings. One after the other she held up tiny outfits to be admired. Little vests and babygros, tiny soft-soled shoes, cardigans and snowsuits, baskets full of expensive-looking creams and organic lotions too. Vera thanked each of her friends in turn and each one modestly replied that the gift receipt was in the box should she need to change anything.
Then it was Jane’s turn. She presented Vera with a large gold envelope.
When Vera opened it, she gasped, “Oh my God, Jane! It’s too much – I can’t take it!”
It was a voucher for a hotel break.
“Nonsense, it’s so important to have a babymoon,” Jane said sagely, nodding to the other mothers around the table, who were nodding back at her with gentle murmurs of agreement.
“There was no such thing as a babymoon when I had Vera and I’m pretty sure we all did okay,” Julia said, laughing.
It was Isla’s turn next and she was mortified following after Jane.
“It’s only very small . . .” she said as Vera pulled on one end of the bow she had tied it in.
Vera unwrapped the paper and held up the tiny bonnet and mittens, which Isla had knitted in cream lambswool. She had known that any gift she could have afforded would have looked paltry compared to the gifts that would be lavished on Vera so she had decided to go the homemade route instead – but, beside all the other gifts, they looked so plain, even old-fashioned.
“These are just gorgeous, Isla,” Vera beamed. “You are too bloody creative – it’s not fair! Thank you, Isla, thank you so much.”
“Very crafty!” Jane enthused but Isla couldn’t help but notice a smirk on her face.
They finished up soon after and said their goodbyes.
“Do you want a lift, Isla?” Julia asked.
“No, no, I’m fine – it’s only a ten-minute walk.”
“I’ll drop you home.”
“Honestly, I need to walk off some of that food.”
“No, I insist.”
Isla watched as Vera and her mum hugged goodbye, then she sat into Julia’s passenger seat.
“God, I need a drink after that,” Julia said as she pulled out onto the street. “Jane is a little bit . . . intense.”
Isla laughed. “She means well.”
“Do you know what – I always thought she was jealous of you.”
“Of me?”
“Well, of your friendship with Vera. I think she’s part of the reason that you and Vera drifted apart over the years.”
“Oh, I don’t know . . . Vera and I are very different people now.”
They chatted until they reached Isla’s flat, then Julia turned to her and said, “I know people move on and things change but Vera still counts you as one of her best friends. You do know that, Isla, don’t you?”
Isla nodded. “Sure.”
“Okay, well, you look after yourself.”
“You too – and I can’t wait to hear that the little one has arrived.”
“Thank you, Isla.”
Isla got out of the car and opened her front door. The smell of chemicals hit her as it always did whenever she opened the door but it seemed even stronger today. Jo was convinced that by living there Isla was exposing herself to unknown carcinogens. She was always telling her that it was dangerous to her health.
Isla climbed the stairs and opened the second door at the top, which led into her flat. She plonked herself down on the sofa.
She couldn’t help but think over what Lisette had said. She was almost thirty-nine – time wasn’t on her side any more. How much longer was she going to put up with the deep ache inside? She couldn’t keep waiting and hoping that she would fall pregnant with Greg. If it hadn’t happened already then there must be a reas
on why.
She needed to have a child. It was like a deep hunger inside her. She couldn’t stop it. Maybe she needed to look at it differently. Was Lisette right – was it time to take matters into her own hands?
Chapter 8
The Next Step
On Monday morning Isla pushed open the door to the café. Greg was just lifting the chairs down from the table tops, getting ready to open up.
“Morning,” she said.
“Hi, Isla – look, I’m sorry about the other morning,” Greg said sheepishly as he followed her out the back of the kitchen where she was hanging up her coat. “I shouldn’t have been like that. I was just frustrated . . . I wish you would give us a chance, that’s all.”
“I’m sorry too, Greg.” She looked around and saw that besides Greg there was no one else in yet. “Where’s Michelle?” she asked as she tied an apron around her waist.
“She texted me to say that she’s running a bit late – her ex didn’t show to pick Jamie up.”
Neither of them mentioned the other night again, not out of any lingering awkwardness but because they both knew that they had to separate work from what went on in their personal lives.
As she got on with the day’s tasks, Isla couldn’t get Lisette’s words out of her head. They had been swimming around inside her brain since the baby shower. Could it really be that simple? Lisette had tossed them out with wild abandon like it was the perfectly obvious answer to any single woman who was yearning for a child but, when she thought about it, could she do that? She really wanted to hold a child in her arms but doing it that way . . . well, it was insane, wasn’t it? What would people think – people like Jo and Greg? Even with people who didn’t know her too well, how would she explain being pregnant when she wasn’t really even in a relationship? But another part of her said if she really wanted a baby so much, which she did, then couldn’t she do it alone if she wanted to? What was stopping her?
The door opened again and a council worker came in and handed her a notice, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“What does it say?” Greg said over her shoulder.
She felt the heat rise up along her face and her heart started thumping. “I haven’t got my glasses on.”
“You and your glasses!” he teased good-naturedly. “In all the years I’ve known you I’ve never seen you wearing them! Give it here to me.”
She handed the sheet of paper over to him and watched as he read down through it.
“I don’t believe it – more bloody road works! Honestly, we’ll be out of business if they rip up this street again!”
“I’m sorry, Greg, he never showed!” Michelle came blustering through the door, prodding little Jamie along in front of her. “I’m going to kill him! I didn’t want to let you down by ringing in, so I hope you don’t mind that I brought him with me – my sister is going to swing by and pick him up soon but she lives on the other side of the city. He won’t be any trouble, I promise.” Her face was flushed.
“No worries at all. Grab yourself a cup of tea, calm yourself down and I’ll sort this little fella out.” He turned to Jamie then. “Hey, little man, how about we get you doing a big important job?”
Jamie looked up at Greg wide-eyed and nodded his head eagerly.
“We could do with a bit of help with the washing-up, couldn’t we, Isla?”
She nodded. “Absolutely! If there’s one job I hate, it’s the washing-up!”
Greg pulled a chair over to the sink and signalled for the boy to climb up. Then he filled the sink with water and lots of washing-up liquid so the bubbles rose up around the rim. Jamie started to giggle. Greg gave him a few cups and plates to play with.
“How about you mess around with the bubbles for a while and we’ll think up something else for you to do afterwards?”
“Ah, Greg, you’re a star,” Michelle said when she saw Jamie standing up at the sink with a big grin on his face. “I know I always say it but you’d be a great dad!”
Greg started to blush and went out the front to unlock the door.
Soon the day’s customers started to come in and Isla sliced open a demi-baguette to start making a breakfast roll.
When Jamie got bored of playing in the sink he went out the front and helped Greg who was collecting the salt-and-pepper shakers to clean them. He handed them up to Greg to wipe, Greg handed them back when he was done, and Jamie put them on the tables again.
“I’d better up my game – it looks like I’ve got competition,” Isla said, surveying them from behind the counter. She watched how naturally Greg took to the boy. Some adults when they interacted with children were stiff and awkward but Greg was as comfortable chatting to Jamie as he was to her. Michelle was right – he would make a great father. But it hadn’t happened for them.
“Yeah, you’d better watch out – he’s a great worker,” Greg said, interrupting her thoughts.
She looked at little Jamie who was blushing.
“He’s a sweetheart,” she said to Michelle.
“Who – Greg or Jamie?” Michelle said with a grin.
“Jamie, of course,” Isla said, feeling flustered.
“Ah, he is, he’s my little man. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” She beamed with pride as she watched her son following Greg around.
The morning rush had just started to quiet down when the door opened and Réiltín and Jo came in.
Réiltín came up to where Isla was standing behind the counter.
“Why aren’t you in school?” Isla asked, putting down the cloth she had in her hand.
“I had an orthodontic appointment.” Réiltín flashed her braces at Isla. “I’m nearly there – he reckons six more months and my mouth gets to stop cohabitating with the Dublin-Donegal line.”
“The train doesn’t go to Donegal,” Jo said, coming up beside her. “Hi, Isla.”
“It’s a joke, Mum!” Réiltín said with an exasperated sigh.
“Hey, Jo,” Isla said.
“Look, I can’t stay long,” Jo said, “but the reason I’m here is because I’ve a huge favour to ask you.”
“Go on.”
“Well, I’m going to have to go into the office for a few hours on Saturday to catch up on some stuff and Ryan has a golfing tournament – so I was wondering if you had Saturday off and if you wouldn’t mind coming over to stay with Réiltín for a few hours in the afternoon – but if you’re busy don’t worry about it.”
“Mum, I keep telling you – I don’t need a baby-sitter!”
“I know you don’t, love, but I don’t like you being on your own at home by yourself for the whole day.”
“Sure, no worries,” Isla said. “I’ve got Saturday off anyway. We might catch a movie – The Fault in Our Stars is out – what do you think, Réilt?”
“Fine.” She rolled her eyes.
“Thank you so much, Isla, you’re a lifesaver,” Jo said. “Well, come on, you – we’d better go. I don’t want you to be late for double science . . .” She looked down and smiled indulgently at her daughter.
“Because that would be the worst thing ever, Mum!” Réiltín groaned.
“Now, now, Miss Sarky! Right, we’re off. Bye, Isla!”
“Bye, Isla!” Réiltín sang. “Enjoy work!”
“Have a good day at school! Hope you get loads of homework,” Isla retorted.
Réiltín stuck out her tongue at Isla and went out the door after her mother.
Isla had just started wiping down a table when her phone bleeped in her pocket. She fished it out and, when she looked, an image of a swaddled newborn flashed up on the screen.
‘Look who arrived early – I guess he was in a hurry to meet us – meet Jules Hanrahan. We’re so in love already xx’
She put the cloth down on the table and took the phone in both hands. Vera had had her baby. Isla couldn’t help but smile at the pink scrunched-up face and barely opened eyes. He was beautiful but she felt her stomach twist, the longing felt so acute. She couldn�
�t keep feeling like this. This awful longing emptiness was killing her.
“What’s wrong?” Greg asked, coming up beside her.
“My friend Vera had a baby boy this morning. We only just had her baby shower on Saturday!” She held out the phone for him to see his picture.
“Wow, he’s gorgeous! So tiny.”
She felt tears spring into her eyes and knew she was going to cry.
“Are you okay, Isla?” Greg knew that something was up with her.
“I’m fine, I just need to get the spray,” she mumbled before running into the kitchen.
Once she was alone, she reached for a napkin and dabbed away the tears. She walked over to the sink and took a deep breath to compose herself. A robin with a beautiful rust-coloured breast caught her eye through the window. He was pecking along the concrete, making his way around the wheelie bins, scavenging for any food that had fallen out. Isla took off her rubber gloves and found a crust of bread. She opened the door carefully so as not to frighten him off and went outside to where he was still searching along the cold ground. Breaking the bread up into small pieces, she scattered them on the concrete for him. He started pecking at them in jerky movements. He ate the ones closest to him first, edging ever closer towards her until she had gained his trust enough for him to come within inches of her feet. She crouched down to him and he didn’t flinch. She looked into his beady eye and she swore that he looked back into hers. He held her gaze for what felt like minutes, even though it could only have been seconds, and it had felt as though he was looking right through her. Right inside her head and her thoughts. He saw into the emptiness that seemed to be sitting inside her soul. She decided there and then that maybe she should pick up the phone and ring her doctor, see what she had to say about it.
Chapter 9
At the Doctor’s
A few days later Isla was sitting in the waiting room to see the same doctor who had confirmed it when she had a urinary tract infection, prescribed her an antibiotic for a chest infection, and who had also told her that she was pregnant. Her heart was thumping wildly and she felt perspiration spread under her armpits. She actually couldn’t believe that she was doing this; it felt like another person entirely had booked the appointment and was now sitting here in the waiting room. She had picked up the phone several times to make the appointment but found herself hanging up again before the call was answered. Now, as she sat in the waiting room, she couldn’t help but wonder if she was insane thinking about having a baby on her own. Was it a ludicrous idea? Her mind kept throwing up different obstacles and problems that she was likely to encounter but her heart was singing a different tune. All she knew was that she wanted to be a mother so much. Though the circumstances weren’t ideal, this was her only way to do it, but now that she was setting things in motion she was very apprehensive and was starting to doubt herself.
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