“She just doesn’t get it, she doesn’t seem to realise how dangerous all of this is. I’m so mad with her right now.”
“So she’s serious then?”
“She doesn’t get that it is half your child – you would have a genetic connection to the child, as would Réiltín.”
Ryan shrugged his shoulders. “I know it might be a bit weird but it sounds like she is desperate to have a baby, and I really think, after everything she has done for us, if we can help her we should at least try.”
Jo glared at him in disbelief. “How come no one else can see the enormity of what she is asking? The whole thing is absolute madness. Sometimes I wonder how Isla and I are even related, let alone sisters!”
“I suppose it depends on how you look at it. I know it’s our embryo but I’m sure she also feels some ownership towards it . . .”
“Isla knows that she signed away all rights to that embryo when she signed the paperwork. Why doesn’t she realise that a contract is a contract?”
“Isla isn’t a solicitor, Jo. She goes with her heart.”
“Well, you don’t need to be a solicitor to know that the whole point of signing an agreement in the first place was so that a situation like this wouldn’t arise. I know I shouldn’t be surprised – I mean this is the kind of thing that Isla does all the time but, still, this is a new low even for her. Do you really think we should give it to her?”
“Well, all I’m saying is that maybe it’s not as crazy a suggestion as you think it is.”
Jo opened her mouth incredulously.
“Hear me out,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about it and, since we’re not going to use it, it’s just sitting there in storage somewhere. Maybe we should give it to Isla. Wouldn’t it be better for everyone if it was used?”
“But I thought you said that you’d support my decision, whatever I decided?”
“I did and I will, but I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t see why we wouldn’t give it to her. And I didn’t realise that we’re still paying an annual storage fee to the clinic!”
“Is that what this comes down to? You don’t want to waste money on it! It’s our baby, Ryan!”
“It’s not a baby, Jo, it’s an embryo! And it will never be a baby unless Isla gives it life!”
“An embryo that is a brother or sister to Réiltín – a child that would be genetically related to you! Why can’t you see that?”
“Well, of course I can see that – I know it’s complicated – but we’d –”
“Ryan –”
He put his hand up to stop her. “Just let me finish, please. Isla gave us a gift that you cannot put any price on. Imagine if Réiltín wasn’t in our lives? It’s unthinkable! Isla gave us that. She allowed us to become parents, to experience the joy and wonder of watching our child come into the world, the amazement when the bonds start to form and you realise that you would do anything to keep it safe from harm and you look back on the rest of your life before that moment and think it was all a bit of a waste really up until that point. That you weren’t really living before. I just think there is nothing too big that we could ever give her back in return for that but giving her that embryo would be a good start.”
“You know that I would never take what Isla did away from her – I can never thank her enough –”
“But you could – you could give her the embryo.”
“But it’s not just a simple case of playing swapsies. She gave me an egg, so I give her back an embryo and we’re quits! Even Stevens! It’s not that simple any more!”
“But why isn’t it? I don’t see why it can’t be that simple. What is so different from Isla giving you an egg and you giving her an embryo – which I don’t need to point out to you was made using the eggs she gave us in the first place!”
“Well, for starters Isla isn’t in any position to have a child! She’s single, she barely earns enough money to keep herself, she’s totally unreliable. She doesn’t have the first clue about what it takes to raise a child.”
“Does any parent really? Looking back to when Réiltín was born, we didn’t have a clue either.”
“But that was different – we had a stable and loving home. Isla is on her own – a child needs two parents.”
“Come on, Jo, it’s the twenty-first century – things have moved on a lot. Plenty of people raise children alone nowadays.”
“Well, I can’t allow a baby – a baby whose fate rests in my hands – to have a life like that and then have to watch as that child grows up in an unstable home. I think I would always feel a responsibility for that child. I could never forgive myself for something like that.”
“But why do you think it would be like that? Why do you have such a negative view of your own sister? You see what she’s like with Réiltín – I think she’d be an incredible mother actually.”
“She just wants to do the fun stuff with Réiltín. I watch them together, Isla matching Réiltín with her childlikeness and irresponsibility. She can sit there and play computer games with her, or giggle over something on her Facebook page. They can go shopping for impractical clothes because Isla doesn’t have to worry about Réiltín feeling chilly because she is wearing a light T-shirt in the middle of winter or worse that she might catch a cold and exacerbate her asthma. And I know Isla lets her eat junk food when I’m not around. Food that is full of artificial colourings and God knows what else, when she knows that I am trying to instil healthy eating habits. She doesn’t have to worry about affording school fees or extra home tuition so she can make her grades. Isla doesn’t have to worry about getting out of a meeting in time to make the hockey game that she is playing in. She doesn’t have to police Réiltín’s mobile phone and be treated with disdain for doing so. She doesn’t have to worry that she is making friends with the wrong sorts or watch with her heart sitting in her mouth as she starts seeing a boy. She isn’t the one whose heart is racing and checking her phone when she said she would be home by nine and it’s ten and there is no sign of her or phone call to say why she is late. She didn’t have the worry that comes with a baby born thirteen weeks too soon. I overhear their phone conversations – I know what goes on. Did you know that Réiltín told her first that she got her period before she told me?”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do – she denied it of course when I asked her about it. I wish she would come to me about stuff more but I’m trying to deal with having a teenager for the first time and I’m not sure which side I am meant to be on and every time I try Réiltín shuts me out. Isla gets all the good bits. She gets to do all the fun things and be ‘cool Aunt Isla’ and I can never be that person because Réiltín doesn’t need another friend, she needs her mother. I don’t want to be this stuffy, uptight woman but it’s like that is the role I have been assigned and I can’t get out of it. It’s like Réiltín has given me the job of bad cop and Isla takes the starring role. Would Isla be there doing the night feeds or worrying because the child didn’t eat enough at dinner time? Oh, I think the novelty would wear off pretty fast indeed, Ryan!”
“I think you’re underestimating her actually.”
“You see – there you go again taking her side!”
“I’m not taking sides – I’m trying to be the middle man here and see it from both perspectives.”
“But you’re not the middle man – can’t you see that? It would be your child as well – you would have a child out there who is every bit a part of you as much as Réiltín is!”
“Is that why you hate the idea of it so much?”
“It’s part of it – there are so many things about it that don’t sit well with me.”
“But you’ve always held the belief that the genetics don’t matter. I don’t understand how you can change your whole stance on the nature versus nurture debate.”
“I haven’t changed anything – this is just how I’m feeling. So when that child is born, are you telling me that you won’t feel anythi
ng for it like you felt for Réiltín?”
“Look, Jo, I know that it might be a bit strange watching a child growing up knowing that genetically it is half mine but I do know one thing for definite: I wouldn’t think of it as my child.”
“But how do you know that, Ryan?”
“Remember the moment that the pregnancy test turned positive for Réiltín?”
Jo nodded. She would never forget it.
“Well, we knew instantly she was our baby and we didn’t care about the route we had to take to conceive her and it will be the same with Isla. The moment Isla’s test stick turns positive then it’s going to be her baby.”
“But nobody knows how they’re going to react to something like this. What if it just happened – you started to bond with the baby? And you’d be bound to be a large part of the baby’s life, given how much time Isla spends over here. What if she saw you or the child saw you as the only male role model in its life and you unwittingly took on the role and formed the bonds of a father? Or what if Isla started struggling financially or found motherhood too trying, what then? Would we have to pick up the pieces out of a sense of duty because it was our embryo in the first place? Would the fate of that baby still be our responsibility? You don’t think about these things.”
“Come on, you know she’d never be like that – as I said, I reckon she’d be a great mother.”
“Or what if, down the line, when the child starts asking about its father she tells it that you’re the genetic father. Is the child going to see you as its dad then and want to form a relationship with you?”
“We’d have a relationship anyway.”
“Yeah, as an uncle but not as a dad! You haven’t thought it through properly, Ryan – you’re just thinking in the here and now as usual. You haven’t thought about the future or the child’s future or what might be coming down the tracks for us if we allow Isla to have that embryo.”
“Do you always have to be so analytical? I can’t see why you wouldn’t do a good turn for someone who has given us the greatest gift we could have ever hoped for. And even if she never had given us anything, she’s your sister. Surely, if you’re in a position to help her, you would? You don’t do altruism very well.”
“But that’s not what this is about. It’s so much more than just giving her an embryo like . . . oh, I don’t know . . . say giving her a spare juicer or something because I couldn’t be bothered recycling it. There is so much more to it than that. Like have you even thought about Réiltín? Have you thought about how something like this could affect her?”
“How would any of this affect her?”
“Well, it increases the chances of her finding out about her own origins. Imagine if Isla let it slip or if she found some of the paperwork or something?”
“Come on, Jo, that’s a ridiculous argument.”
“I don’t think it’s that crazy actually. Look, we agreed we’re never going to tell her about Isla’s involvement in her conception. We made the decision that she doesn’t ever need to know and we all made a promise that we would do our best to ensure that she never finds out. We’re her parents, end of story. I don’t want her to have any doubts or insecurities about her origin. What if she starts asking how Isla is having a baby without having a partner? She knows that Isla is single. What if she assumes that Isla had a one-night stand? Will she get the wrong message about casual sex? She’s fourteen – she knows how babies are made, she’s not stupid – she’ll be asking all sorts of questions. What if it comes out about the embryo and she learns about her own origins?”
“She won’t. I’m sure Isla would invent an imaginary boyfriend for a few weeks if you asked her to. She knows how important it is to you that Réiltín never finds out about our agreement.”
“Well, there are just too many unknowns for my liking. It’s too much to ask.”
“So you keep saying but I still can’t see it.”
“It’s a child – you can’t just give it away willy-nilly without thinking things through properly.”
“The only way it will ever be a child is if we give the embryo to Isla and let her bring it to life. Until that point it will always be just a bunch of cells sitting in that vat of liquid nitrogen in the clinic.”
“Why do you have to be so clinical, Ryan?”
“But it’s the truth, Jo. Don’t you think we owe it to that embryo to at least have a chance at life? What’s the alternative? You keep renewing the storage licence every year and it never has life? Who wins there? Or do you intend to destroy it?”
“You know I would have loved to have another child after Réiltín but that wasn’t to be. And anyway I feel I’ve outrun my luck – I have a beautiful daughter that I never thought I’d have. But at the same time it’s Réiltín’s potential brother or sister and I can’t bring myself to destroy it. I just feel awful even thinking about it . . .” Her voice trailed off.
“So make things easy on yourself then. Let her have the embryo. You don’t have to have any guilt about destroying it then and Isla gets to experience motherhood for herself. Surely even you can see that that is the best option for everyone here? It’s win-win!”
“What do you mean ‘even you’?”
“Oh, come on, stop twisting my words, Jo! You know what I mean!”
“No, I don’t actually. It seems like since Isla brought this whole crazy idea up, you have a problem with me. I didn’t do anything wrong here, that’s what I don’t get. I didn’t start any of this. If Isla doesn’t like my response when she asked me for something, then that’s hardly my fault, is it? She always has to cause trouble. She’s been doing it her whole life. I thought at this stage we could both be mature adults but it seems not.”
“So you’ve made your mind up then?”
“I have and I won’t change it.”
“You do know that you could lose your sister over this?”
“She wouldn’t do that – I mean, I know she’ll be angry with me for a while but she’ll come round when she starts seeing things from my perspective.”
“Oh yes, you mean when she starts seeing things from the ‘right’ perspective?”
She knew that he was being catty but she chose to ignore his sarcasm. “Why do you always take Isla’s side on everything?”
“Stop overreacting – of course I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. You would rather side with her than with your own wife.”
“That’s not true.”
“I always ask myself why you’d feel more loyalty to her than you do to me – and then I think, ‘Oh wait, is it because she gave him a baby when his own wife couldn’t’ – is that it?”
Ryan was rendered momentarily speechless. “That’s not fair, Jo.”
“When you take her side over your own wife’s, then I’m sorry but I think there is something wrong with that!”
“I don’t do that!”
“You do, Ryan! Ever since Réiltín was born you’ve been doing it.” Jo hissed angrily. “You put Isla up on a pedestal – she can do no wrong. You completely idolise her! It’s because you see her as the mother of your child, isn’t it?”
He wouldn’t meet her eye.
“I’m right, aren’t I? I will never compare to her in your eyes because my body wasn’t up to the job of giving you a child!”
“I do feel grateful to her and I don’t see what’s wrong with that!” he finally snapped. “You really know how to push my buttons, Jo! Why do you always get so bitchy when you’ve been drinking? God, a few glasses of wine and you start hurling out the insults!”
He got up and stormed out of the room.
She emptied the last of the bottle into her glass.
Ryan slept in the spare room that night. Lately the distance between them felt like a gulf. Jo felt herself get angry once again with Isla. She had brought all of this unnecessary hassle into her life. She had started the whole bloody thing. Jo couldn’t remember the last time that she and Ryan had even kissed properly, with tongue
s darting to search and explore one another. If he kissed her like that now she didn’t think she’d know what to do. She was mortified just thinking about it. She knew that she should try to talk to him but the thought of putting herself out there like that, that feeling of vulnerability and sense of doubt, was too overwhelming. Did he even want them to be close again?
When they had first started going out together, they’d had sex everywhere they could, every second that they could. It felt so strange now, to think about it. She could still remember the tingle she felt when his skin brushed hers, the touch of his fingertips as they traced patterns from the top of her back down to the bottom, until she felt goose pimples rise up on her skin. They would pass each other in the kitchen and he would pull her close into him. They only had to be in the same room to be turned on by one another. Where had that passion and excitement gone? The sad thing was that she hadn’t really noticed it happening. It seemed to just ebb away over the years until one day she woke up and realised that they seemed to be sitting on opposite sides of a deep void.
Chapter 22
A Listening Ear
Isla walked home in a daze. It had gone even worse than she had expected. She really hadn’t anticipated Jo reacting like that. She knew that Jo wasn’t keen on donating the embryo to her but Isla now realised that she had clearly misjudged the strength of her feelings on it. She couldn’t believe that her own sister had just slapped her across the face.
Isla didn’t see what other avenues were open to her. She didn’t have the money or the time to go down the long road of egg donation or embryo donation, without any guarantee of success. And, besides, her baby was already there, albeit in a container of liquid nitrogen somewhere.
She kept walking until she found herself on Greg’s doorstep. She hadn’t realised that that was where she was going until she found her finger reaching up to press his bell.
Suddenly she felt a huge wave of guilt flood through her. What was she doing coming here? He had done so much for her and it wasn’t fair to continuously ask him to be her crutch every time things were going wrong for her, but somehow her feet had led her here.
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