by Alexa Hart
I consider going back to bed once more, but the salt on my skin from sweating through the night stops me, instead I approach the large walk-in shower, turning the handle all the way towards red, and waiting for it to warm before I drop my plush rose colored robe and step into the spray. The hot water washes over me, relaxing my muscles, but doing nothing to ease the tension in my thoughts.
I wash quickly, eager to finish so that I can make my way downstairs for a much-needed cup of coffee.
When I do finally finish, I pause for a moment to study myself in the mirror. Six years ago, if someone had shown me a picture of my current view, I would never in a million years have believed it was me. I look different now.
My hair is no longer cut off at my shoulders, but instead long and willowing. I still have my slim figure, though I’m slightly more curvaceous than I used to be, but there’s a long thin scar, barely noticeable, across my torso from that night that still haunts my dreams, from time to time. I take a deep breath, admiring the blue in my eyes that I rarely get the chance to see anymore, before popping a pack of contacts out from a box that I’ve hidden beneath the sink, and coloring my eyes back to the muddy brown shade that Fitz would recognize. I’ve started to only wear my glasses when doing lessons with Ella; making it still believable that I need them, but giving me many more chances to see myself – or at least some semblance of myself – in the mirror.
The small moment of reflection lends a weight in my chest that nauseates me. I can’t go any further with Fitz. If I do, I might eventually slip up, and I don’t think he’d ever forgive me for lying to him.
I sigh, wiping stray, unshed tears from my eyes before readying myself for the day.
“Rise and shine!” I tell Ella, flipping on the light switch, illuminating her room. The lucky girl has thick pink blackout curtains, keeping her from waking until someone comes upstairs and forces her out of bed.
“Nooo…” The little groan rises from somewhere under the covers, eliciting a short laugh from me. While Ella might be a sweet little angel during the day, that particular facet of her personality doesn’t kick in until well into the late morning.
“No? Not even for…” I build my voice, readying for the mock big reveal as I creep towards her, “blueberry pancakes?”
Pouncing, I pepper her little torso in tickles, forcing a musical laugh from her throat as she throws the covers off of her body with a start.
“Blueberry pancakes!” Ella exclaims, sitting up suddenly bright eyed and bushy tailed. Something in that fleeting sweet moment of purity causes a pang to hit me deep in my chest. I shake it away.
“That's right, now come on, I need a helper!” I wrap Ella’s soft pink robe around her, tying the sash while she slips the matching slippers over her socked feet. Her robe is like a miniature version of my own; if I had neglected to get dressed this morning, we’d be matching.
“Can we put chocolate chips in them?” Ella asks, running to the pantry to seek them out before I’ve even answered her question. I don’t stop her, instead I beeline across the kitchen, headed towards the coffee maker.
“Late night?”
I jump at Fitz’s question, not realizing he had entered the room. An amused grin spreads wide across his face as he traipses through the entrance to the grand kitchen. I pour myself a generous serving, returning the quip in kind.
“Mhm. My boss kept me out obscenely late, I’m thinking about registering a complaint with the department of labor.” Okay, so maybe I don’t actually know what the department of labor does, but the snide comment does earn me a free laugh, erupting from Fitz’s throat.
“You probably should,” he tells me, taking a lazy sip from his mug, “I hear he’s planning to make it a habit.”
I open my mouth to respond to the suggestive remark, but before the words can escape my tongue, Ella reappears from the pantry, a giant container of chocolate chips in hand. Fitz winks at me from above the rim of his mug, approaching the little girl.
“Chocolate chips! Are we having pancakes for breakfast?” He grabs the container easily from her struggling arms. It's a wonder she was able to pick it up at all; it’s almost the size of her entire torso. Fitz grips it in one hand, bending down to scoop up Ella in the other arm. Her little face lights up with the affectionate gesture, her arms wrapping around his neck for unneeded security.
“Yes daddy, with blueberries too.”
“Blueberries and chocolate chips? Sounds like Miss Alex is a bit of a push over, huh?” Fitz laughs. His sentence is directed at Ella, but his eyes never leave my own. I snatch the container from him, planting a small kiss on Ella’s head as I pass the two of them, headed toward the pantry for the required ingredients. Ella just laughs, taking a seat on the counter and waiting for me to reappear.
Fitz doesn’t dare touch the batter. Instead he sits patiently across the counter from us, watching me mix as Ella sprinkles the just-ripe blueberries into the concoction. Fitz and I limited her to just a handful of chocolate chips, earning us both a pout, but no further complaints.
The batter sizzles as I drip it onto the hot buttered skillet, after mandating that Ella move to the other side of the counter, and take a spot safely next to Fitz.
We wait patiently for the pancakes to cook.
“So Alex,” Fitz pops a blueberry into his mouth as he begins his sentence, “how long will you be gone?”
I meet his gaze, my brow raised in unspoken question. Gone? Where am I going?
“Where’s she going, daddy?” Ella looks at him inquisitively, between bites of chocolate chips she thinks we can’t see her sneaking.
Fitz looks down at her, explaining to his daughter, “it’s Christmas time princess, most people want to spend Christmas with their family.”
Ah, I think, in understanding. I begin to respond to Fitz, but Ella cuts me off with the most hear-melting response.
“But she is family.”
Fitz and I both freeze, unsure of how to respond. Ella doesn’t even notice the warm tension that washes over the room, instead she turns her attention back to the handful of chocolate chips she’s shoved into the pocket of her robe. Thank god it’s cool in this room, because I can’t imagine it’s easy to get melted chocolate stains out of fuzzy fabric. Fitz has a ghost of a smile plastered to his soft face when we both turn back to each other. It is reserved, and humble.
“I wasn’t actually planning on going anywhere, but I’ll be sure to stay out of your hair. I’ll probably visit Bonnie for a day or two.” I flip the pancakes, not meeting Fitz’s inquisitive gaze. His eyes are filled with some thick combination of curiosity and concern, but whatever he is thinking, he chooses not to push it.
“Well that's wonderful, don’t you think Ella?” Ella nods hard at me, her mess of hair bouncing on her head with the erratic movement.
“We’ll have to find something fun to do, to celebrate.” Fitz comments, standing up from his seat and rounding the counter to retrieve some plates from the cabinet as I wait, pancake on spatula.
Chapter 9
Fitz
I watch Alex with a calculated glint in my eyes, assessing the newest piece of the Alex Bennet puzzle that I’ve just discovered. She doesn't have a family? Or she does have a family, and they’re estranged?
I instructed John weeks ago to stop digging for more information about her past. It felt like a violation, like I was going behind her back. And I was. I’d like to get to know her organically.
Since Alex is staying for the holidays, that opens up a million more chances for me to be around her. Today, though, I think we’ll settle for something less romantic, and more fun.
Swallowing a hefty bite of the deliciously perfect pancakes, I glance back and forth between Ella and Alex.
“I’ve got an idea,” I tell them, “why don’t we go sledding today?”
Ella lights up immediately, jumping from her stool and abandoning her half-eaten pancakes. Admittedly, the chocolate chips and blueberries were a delicious comb
ination.
“Yay! I have to put on my snow clothes, go change! Let’s go!” Ella runs from the kitchen without a glance backwards, and I almost regret not prefacing the suggestion with the stipulation that she finish her pancakes first. But, Ella and I rarely get the chance to do anything simply for fun, so I’ll let her have this one unfinished meal.
Alex turns, watching her go. She leans to go after her, but stops herself, turning towards the mess in the kitchen, torn.
“Ella will be fine, come on. I’ll help you clean up.” Standing, I grab the plates to discard the uneaten breakfast into the trash. Alex thanks me for the help, a small smile still plastered on her forever pink lips.
“Sledding sounds like fun,” she comments, drying the now clean plates.
“There’s a great place for snow tubing, not far from here. Do you have snow clothes?” I ask her, though I’m sure she doesn’t.
I’d dressed her in Jo’s clothing last night to go out in the cold. When I walked into the closet, I didn't even know what I was looking for, but when my eyes landed on the long untouched bin of Jo’s outdoor accessories, it just felt right. I’d expected to feel her, to think of her when I glanced at Alex in the ridiculous pompom hat, but all I saw was Alex.
Alex shakes her head, confirming my suspicions. I can’t help but snicker at her.
“Such a city girl.” I admonish her, jokingly. “I’ll send John out to pick you up some stuff while we get ready, it shouldn't take long.”
She opens her mouth to protest, but I cut her off before she can, with a surprising kiss. The sweet and spontaneous gesture shocks even me, though it is my hands that pull her into me. She tastes sweet, like blueberries and maple syrup.
When I finally release her from the long kiss, she looks dazed. Her eyelids droop just slightly, over the fake muddy brown color of her eyes. I long to see the vibrant cerulean blue that I know hides underneath.
“If that wasn’t clear enough,” I tell her, “I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Alex looks at me, her gaze a swirl of indecision. I can tell she’s questioning her actions from last night. Wondering if what we did was a good idea. Truth be told, I expected to feel the same way when I woke this morning, but I didn’t. All I felt was warmth. After an impossibly long moment of hesitation, Alex rises on her tippy toes, this time, she is the one to capture me in a kiss. Hers is different than mine was, though. Less deliberate, more desperate. Alex kisses me like the world is about to end, and that one single kiss is her last hope at salvation. I am opposite. I kiss her lazily, taking my time, like we have all the time in the world. And we do.
“I should go help Ella get ready.” She informs me, pulling away.
“Okay. Go, I’ll send John out.” I nod towards the door, instructing her. With one last small peck on my lips, she is gone. Disappeared through the doorway, off to help my daughter wiggle into her thick pink snow pants. I grin, remembering Ella’s sweet words, and the adoring look on Alex’s face as she spoke them. Ella is right. Alex is quickly becoming family.
A short, low buzzing on the counter pulls my attention. It is Alex’s phone. She must have forgotten it. Picking it up, I read the screen. It is a blocked number.
I slip the small device into my pocket, making a mental note to have John trace the missed call later. Right now, I have to go change.
Chapter 10
Alex
“Jump, jump!” I instruct Ella, trying with all my might to pull the ridiculous snow pants up her tiny body. Finally gliding them all the way up her legs, I fasten the button, Velcro-ing the top of the warm pants around her tucked in shirt. With the two pairs of socks, the sweater, and the jacket, she’s certainly going to be warm.
“Miss Bennet?” John calls out to me from the doorway, several shopping bags in hand.
“Oh, please, John. Call me Alex.” I tell him, approaching him to retrieve the bags.
“Mhm.” John nods at my instruction, with some amusement in his eyes. I’m sure he will ignore my request.
“Thank you for everything, really. This was very kind of you.” I tell him, gesturing towards the many bags. What could he possibly have gotten that takes up this many bags?
“Of course,” he nods at me, disappearing back down the stairwell. I instruct Ella to go downstairs to meet Fitz in the foyer, while I make my way to my suite to change.
The pants John chose are similar to Ella’s in that they’re ridiculously puffy and lined with wool. Mine are smooth white in color, matching a jacket in one of the other bags. It takes forever, but once I finally finishing putting the entire ensemble on my body, I gaze in the mirror.
I look absolutely ridiculous. The pants are at least 4 inches larger in circumference than my actual legs, and the jacket falls to the lower bound of my butt, impossibly large on me. I am also wearing at least three layers under each, and two pairs of thick winter socks. I can barely walk.
Fitz lets out an unreserved, hardy laugh as I waddle into the foyer. He got off easy, his entirely black outfit fitting against his muscles rather impressively.
“You look great.” Fitz comments, sarcastically, earning a loud laugh from Ella and a scoff from me.
“Rude.” I press into his chest, jokingly punching him. He doesn't even budge.
After we are all adorned in hats, gloves, and scarves, we head down to the garage. Normally, John drives everywhere; or, if John is busy, someone else on Fitz’s expansive security team will drive. Despite this though, Fitz for some reason owns an inordinate amount of cars. They’re mostly sports cars, but when he grabs the set of keys he was looking for, and clicks the button, it isn’t one of the sports cars that lights up. Instead, on the far end of the garage, lights up a Jeep that I hadn’t even noticed was there. It is all black, and enormous. Gripping Ella, I lift her up to sit on my hip as I climb into the ridiculously huge car. She wouldn’t have been able to get up on her own. I strap her securely into the big-kid car seat. Fitz has the same one installed in every car, forever manic about Ella’s safety.
Once she is tightly secured, I climb down, taking my spot in the front seat next to Fitz. He presses a button, bringing the engine to life.
Though I hadn’t thought about how we should act in front of Ella, my whole body freezes as Fitz leisurely lays his hand on my own, resting our entangled fingers against the deep center console. He glances over at me, a knowing smile gracing his beautiful features. I force myself to relax into the warming gesture. After all, it is his choice, whether or not Ella knows that there is something between us.
The drive really is short. We loop around a few back mountain roads before reaching a heavily populated clearing. The signs indicate that it is a tubing company. Fitz instructs Ella and I to head inside the large ornate cabin for some hot chocolate, while he gets us the tickets. We comply readily, excited for the warm room and the sweet drink. Ella runs ahead of me, graciously taking the complimentary cup from an attendant’s hand.
To call it a cabin is probably not accurate. Though the building is plastered with logs, and thick wooden beams run across the arched ceiling, it is a bit too grand to really be a cabin. Ella and I snuggle into one of the empty couches on the far side of the room, directly in front of the walk-in fireplace. It is taller than I am. Hell, it’s probably taller than even Fitz.
“Cozy?” He asks us, holding out our wristbands. Mine and his are thick and white, and Ella’s is bright pink, small enough to be snug on her little wrist. I take one last small sip of my drink before discarding it in the trash can, along with Ella’s long empty cup.
“Shall we?” I ask, struggling to stand in my many restrictive layers of clothing. Fitz chuckles at me, gripping my elbow and pulling me up. Through the thick fabric, I can barely feel the warmth of his touch.
“We shall.” He responds to me.
As we make our way through the building, towards the large glass doors that exit out to the tubing trails, a tall, slender man with a camera stops us.
“Mr. Simmons!�
� He calls out, readying his camera, “may I get a picture of you and your family at the resort?”
I look back and forth between Fitz and the man. Do they know each other? Why does he want a picture of Fitz?
Fitz glances at me and Ella for a moment before nodding shortly at the lanky man. “Sure.” He tells him.
I begin to move, to back up so that I don’t intrude on their family photo, but to my surprise, Fitz wraps his grip around my waist, pulling me into his chest as he hoists Ella up onto his hip. We must look like a family to the strange photographer. He snaps a quick picture, thanking Fitz for his time. My face goes red under the light, although I’m sure anyone who can see it will blame the cold. Not Fitz, though. He knows better.
“Was that okay?” He whispers in my ear, leaning down enough so that Ella can’t hear. I look up at him, a necessary move, considering our massive height difference.
“Yes, Fitz.” I tell him. “It was absolutely okay.”
He smiles sweetly, planting a kiss on my cool cheek before turning on his heel, leading us out into the brisk winter air.
I’ve never been tubing before. When we approached the top of the mountain, I’ll admit I was a little scared. But Fitz grabbed my hand and promised it would be fun, and it was. We went down in a multi-person tube, me holding Ella, and Fitz holding me. With every exhilarating trip down the mountain, we each laughed freely, settling into the calm feeling of being all together.
Now, we are home. I am brushing the wind-formed knots from my thick hair. In the mirror, I can see the faintest sign of blonde growing in at my roots. I’ll have to remember to go out and pick up some hair dye tomorrow. Fitz is setting Ella up in the library with Rosemary and a movie, ensuring that she’ll have everything she could possibly need while we are out at dinner. I was told to change, and then come meet him. A knock on the door distracts me from my own reflection.
