by Kitty Neale
He ignored the panic in her voice, saying impatiently,‘ In his bleeding cot. Where do you think?’
‘He isn’t. It’s empty.’
‘What!’ He swung his legs over the side of the bed, his mind jumbled before he had a coherent thought. ‘Maybe Mum’s got him.’
Their eyes met, and without another word they made for Dolly’s room.
As Kevin opened the door, all he could see were two humps in the bed and his heart began to thump in panic.
‘Mum, wake up!’ he shouted. ‘Johnny isn’t in his cot.’
‘Bloody hell, where’s the fire,’ Dolly grumbled as she turned onto her back. ‘I heard him crying in the night again so I brought him in with me.’ She moved the blankets to reveal Johnny snuggled by her side.
‘Christ, Mum, you frightened the life out of us.’
‘Well, that’s nice, ain’t it? I thought I’d give Pearl the chance of a good night’s sleep and this is the thanks I get.’
‘Yeah, sorry, Mum,’ Kevin said, his heart calming down. ‘It was good of you.’
‘I’d better give him his bottle before I start work,’ Pearl said as she stepped forward.
‘He’s already had it, and I’ve changed his nappy. The poor little mite was soaking wet,’ Dolly said reproachfully, and then her tone broaching no argument she added, ‘he can stay with me and you can put the kettle on.’ Kevin glared at his wife, his voice equally harsh. ‘You daft cow Pearl. I’m going back to bed and I don’t appreciate being woken up for nothing.’
Pearl saw her husband storm off, and chastened by both him and his mother, she headed for the kitchen. Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil, she had a quick wash, finding her breasts hard and painful, engorged with milk as she gingerly took off her nightdress. Tears filled her eyes as a feeling of helplessness washed over her. In the short time she’d been home from the hospital, Dolly had taken over her son, so much so that she hardly felt that Johnny was hers. Even his name had been Dolly’s choice, Kevin happily falling in with his mother’s suggestion.
The kettle began to whistle, and hurriedly throwing on her dressing gown, Pearl rushed to make the tea, carrying two cups through to Dolly’s bedroom as soon as it had brewed.
‘About time too,’ her mother-in-law complained.
‘Morning, Pearl,’ Bernie said, but his eyes were on the baby snuggled between them. ‘Look at him, he’s spark out, but how come he’s in with us every morning?’
It was Dolly who answered, ‘The poor little nipper was screaming his lungs out, but as usual Pearl didn’t hear him. Honestly, I don’t know how she sleeps through it. I always heard Kevin when he was a baby.’
Unable to believe that she’d failed to hear Johnny crying again, Pearl’s eyes filled with tears. What sort of mother was she?
‘Get going, girl,’ Dolly snapped. ‘There’s work to be done, but you’re standing there like a tit in a trance.’
Pearl nodded, throwing one last glance at her son before leaving the room. He looked so snug and cute sandwiched between her in-laws, but her arms ached to hold him, to console him for not hearing his cries. Pearl dashed her tears away. The sooner she prepared the vegetables, the sooner she’d be back again and for a while she’d have Johnny to herself. She hurriedly dressed and, without bothering to drink her tea, dashed downstairs.
That afternoon, when she finished cooking the vegetables, and despite Dolly’s scowl, Pearl went across to see Bessie, the woman smiling as she went into the shop.
‘Hello, love,’ she said, moving to look into the pram, her face soft as she gazed at Johnny. ‘He’s thriving.’
‘Yes, and it seems Dolly was right about putting him on the bottle.’
‘If you say so. Anyway, what’s up, love? You seem a bit down in the mouth.’
‘Nothing really.’
‘Don’t give me that. Now come on, tell me what the problem is.’
Pearl sighed. ‘It’s just that I don’t hear Johnny crying in the night and I feel like a useless mother.’
‘Considering that you have to be up at four in the morning, it ain’t surprising.’
‘Dolly said she never failed to hear Kevin when he was a baby.’
‘Huh, I can see she’s still holding herself up as a saint.’
‘She wakes for Johnny, and I don’t.’
‘If you ask me, you shouldn’t have to work in the café. When is Kevin going to get a job?’
‘I don’t know. I mentioned it yesterday, but he said his nerves are still bad.’
‘Huh, nerves my arse.’
‘Oh, Bessie, don’t be like that. I’m sure as soon as he’s able, he’ll find work.’
The door opened, a woman coming in.
‘Hello, Tessa,’ Bessie said. ‘What have you got for me?’
‘A really nice coat,’ she said, laying a parcel on the counter.
Bessie opened the package, the smell arising awful. She held it up, her nose wrinkling. ‘Sorry, love, but I can only give you a tanner for it.’
‘All right, and thanks,’ Tessa said, her hand held out.
Bessie gave her the money, and Pearl shook her head as the woman left the shop. ‘That coat’s only fit for the dustbin. Why on earth did you buy it?’
‘Tessa’s struggling. Her son used to look after her, but he’s just been sent down for six months.’
‘What did he do?’
‘A bit of petty thieving. He’ll see me all right when he comes out again and, in the meantime, us locals will keep an eye on Tessa.’
Pearl nodded, used now to the ways of the area. She still felt like an outcast, and missed the easy camaraderie she used to have with the costermongers. They didn’t cut her dead now, and some stopped her to have a look at the baby, but others still refused to speak.
Pearl glanced at the clock. ‘I’d best get back or Dolly will go on the warpath.’
‘Christ, girl, you’ve hardly been here for five minutes.’
‘I know, but when the café closes she likes to spend time with Johnny.’
‘Whose baby is he? Yours or Dolly Dolby’s?’
‘He’s mine, of course, but I don’t want to get on her bad side.’
‘Pearl, when are you going to stand up for yourself?’
‘Stop worrying, I’m fine,’ Pearl lied. ‘I’ll see you soon, but I must go.’
Bessie didn’t look convinced, but Pearl ignored this as she hurried back to the café. It was all right for Bessie to say she should stand up for herself, but she didn’t live with Dolly.
This thought was affirmed when Pearl walked into the living room.
‘It’s about time too,’ Dolly snapped, immediately rising to her feet and taking Johnny from her arms. ‘Bloody hell, what sort of mother are you? His nappy is soaking wet.’
‘Is he?’ Pearl said, her eyes widening with surprise. Johnny had felt fine to her and she was sure he didn’t want changing. ‘I … I’ll change his nappy.’
‘No, I’ll do it,’ Dolly snapped. ‘I’ve shown you time and time again, but you never do it right and one of these days you’ll stick him with the bloody nappy pin.’
Pearl knew that when Dolly was around she was fumbling and awkward, the constant criticism making her nervous. ‘I wouldn’t do that. I’d never stick the pin in him.’
‘Huh, so you say. Anyway I could do with a cup of tea. Leave Johnny to me and get to the kitchen. I’m peckish too, so make me a sandwich while you’re at it.’
‘I’ll do it,’ Bernie offered, throwing Pearl a sympathetic glance.
‘No you won’t,’ Dolly snapped. ‘I told Pearl to do it and don’t need your interference. There ain’t much she can do, especially when it comes to looking after this poor little bugger, but at least she’s learned to make a decent brew.’
Pearl felt her eyes filling with tears, but hurriedly left the room, at least making sure that Dolly didn’t have the satisfaction of seeing them, something she obviously enjoyed.
Oh, if only Kevin would get a job, Pearl thought for t
he thousandth time. If only they had a place of their own.
31
A month passed and at five one Saturday afternoon, Kevin was sitting on the side of their bed, Pearl beside him. She was looking scrawny and miserable, and he tensed, fed up with her constant complaints.
‘I’m at the end of my tether, Kevin. I don’t feel that Johnny is our baby. Your parents seem to have him all the time, and every morning when I wake up I find him in their bed.’
‘Whose fault is that? You still don’t hear him crying in the night, and you should thank God that my mother does. She looks awful lately, with dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep, but you don’t hear her complaining.’
‘I can’t understand why I don’t hear him. I wasn’t a heavy sleeper before Johnny was born, so why now?’
‘How should I know?’ Kevin shifted on the bed, hoping that Pearl had said her piece, but no, she was off again.
‘I’m grateful that she hears Johnny, but it’s getting me down that she undermines everything I do. I’m fine with Johnny when we’re on our own, but when your mother’s around she acts as though I’m incapable of looking after him and it’s turning me into a bundle of nerves.’
‘Don’t exaggerate, and I’m sure she only telling you what’s best for the boy.’
‘What’s best in her opinion. But Johnny’s our son, not hers. As soon as the café closes your mother shoots up here to take him over. Where is he now? He’s not in here with us, that’s for sure. He’s in the living room with your parents.’
‘He’s their first grandson and they’re bound to be a bit doting.’
‘Please, Kevin, go and get him.’
‘Why me?’
‘Your mother won’t give him to me. Please, love, she won’t say no to you.’
With a sigh Kevin rose from the bed. ‘All right, anything for a quiet life.’
As Kevin stepped into the living room it was to see Johnny on the floor, his mother changing his nappy. He grinned as his son’s fists waved, but then his chubby little hands moved down, one of them touching his tiny penis.
‘Stop that,’ Dolly admonished as she slapped his hand away. ‘You’re a dirty little boy.’
Kevin’s face darkened and, rushing over, he snatched his son up into his arms. ‘Don’t say that, Mum. It ain’t right.’
‘Say what?’
‘That he’s dirty when he touches himself. He’s only a baby, for Christ’s sake, and doesn’t understand.’
‘It’s best to start as you mean to go on, and I intend to break that nasty habit as soon as I can.’
Kevin’s anger mounted, words spilling out of his mouth without thought. ‘It’s perfectly natural – something that grown men do too. What’s wrong with giving ourselves a bit of pleasure?’
‘Kevin, don’t speak to me like that – it’s disgusting!’
Johnny started to cry and Kevin heaved a deep breath in an effort to calm down, his voice now registering controlled anger. ‘Mum, there’s nothing disgusting about masturbation. In future, if my son wants to play with himself, he can. You made me feel dirty as a child – even going so far as to tell me you wouldn’t love me if I touched myself. Well, you ain’t doing the same to Johnny.’
He saw his mother’s jaw gape, but before she had time to speak he turned to leave, managing a mocking smile as he added, ‘And anyway, you needn’t worry. I think it’ll be some time before Johnny manages to toss himself off.’
‘You filthy boy! How dare you speak to me like that? Get out of my sight.’
‘Don’t worry, I’m going,’ Kevin snarled as he stomped from the room.
Pearl took Johnny from his arms, comforting the squalling child, whilst Kevin flopped down beside her. The baby quietened and Kevin watched as Pearl expertly folded a nappy, laying their son across her lap as she fastened the triangular shape in place with a pin.
Kevin was still seething. Deciding that he was safe, that the coast was clear now, he was filled with renewed determination. ‘It’s about time we found a place of our own, Pearl.’
Her head swung round, her eyes wide with delight. ‘Oh, I’d love that.’
‘Right, and to raise some money I’d better see about finding a job.’
‘The local paper is due out tomorrow. There’s bound to be something advertised.’
Kevin smiled faintly. It wasn’t employment he was seeking, but Pearl didn’t know that. What he needed was to raise money quickly and that would be impossible, working in a sodding engineering factory.
He stretched out on the bed, already formulating a plan. He’d considered this job ages ago but, thinking it too risky, had discarded the idea. Now, though, the need to get away from his mother overcame his doubts.
* * * Sleep eluded Pearl. At last Kevin was going to get a job. Excited about the future, unusually she was still awake after midnight.
She turned onto her side, but had just snuggled under the blankets when the bedroom door swung slowly open. In the dim light Pearl saw her mother-in-law creeping into the room, moving stealthily to the cot, her hands reaching inside.
Pearl swiftly turned on the bedside light. ‘What are you doing?’
Dolly visibly jumped, her voice blustering as she said, ‘I thought I heard Johnny crying.’
‘He hasn’t made a sound.’
‘How would you know? When was the last time you heard him crying in the night?’
‘What’s going on?’ Kevin asked as he pushed himself up on one elbow. ‘Can’t a bloke get a bit of sleep?’
‘Your mother said she heard Johnny crying, but I’ve been awake all this time and can assure you he didn’t make a sound.’
‘Well, I must have been mistaken,’ Dolly snapped. ‘Anyway, now I’m here I might as well take him. No doubt he’ll want a bottle soon.’
Anger gave Pearl the courage to speak, her voice quiet but firm. ‘There’s no need. I’ll see to him, but thank you anyway.’
To her surprise, Dolly said no more, just throwing Pearl a dark look as she turned on her heels to storm from the room.
Pearl didn’t speak until the bedroom door closed. ‘Kevin, have you ever heard Johnny in the night?’
‘No,’ he said shortly, plumping up his pillow.
‘Don’t you think it’s a bit strange that neither of us have heard him crying?’
‘Let it rest, Pearl. I want some sleep.’
‘I can’t. Your mother came to take Johnny, but he wasn’t making a sound. I think she’s being doing it every night.’
He turned onto his back, yawning widely. ‘Yeah, you could be right.’
‘Kevin, don’t you see what this means? She’s been accusing me of being an awful mother, but I’m not,’ Pearl cried, her voice high with indignation. ‘I didn’t hear Johnny because he wasn’t in his cot.’
‘Yeah, and I’m sorry, love. I don’t know what my mother’s game is, but I should have listened to you before. Well, we know what she’s up to now, and don’t worry – we’ll be out of here soon.’
Pearl smiled as she flung back the blankets, hurrying to the cot. Despite the noise, Johnny remained undisturbed and it seemed a shame to wake him. Sure now that she would hear him if he cried, Pearl climbed back into bed. ‘Oh, I can’t wait for us to have a place of our own,’ she whis pered as she flung an arm round Kevin, only to find that he had already gone back to sleep.
It didn’t matter, Kevin was on her side now, and for once she felt him an ally against her mother-in-law’s games.
Johnny had woken once during the rest of the night and Pearl was immediately roused. Her eyes were bleary as she fed him, changed him, and then settled him down again. She wanted to confront Dolly, but fear still held her back. Kevin had assured her that they’d be in their own home soon and, dreading a face-to-face argument with her formidable mother-in-law, she decided it would be best to say nothing.
Pearl climbed wearily back into bed, relieved that it was Sunday and she didn’t have to get up early. Kevin turned over and,
though asleep, his arms enfolded her. She smiled softly, enjoying the closeness as she snuggled in. With Dolly around, she was still tense, and Kevin had given up trying to make love to her. She didn’t blame him, but things would be different in their own home. They’d have a normal love life – a normal marriage – and she couldn’t wait.
Warm and snug, Pearl closed her eyes, immediately drifting off to sleep and was surprised to find when she woke again that it was after seven.
She went to the cot but Johnny was still asleep, one little hand tucked under his chin. Kevin moaned softly, stretched his arms and then pushed himself up on to one elbow. His hair was tousled, his face relaxed and she couldn’t miss the growing resemblance. ‘Do you know, Johnny is getting more and more like you.’
‘Is he? Then he must be a handsome little devil.’
‘Oh, he is,’ Pearl said, adding with a smile, ‘but his head isn’t as big as yours.’
Kevin grinned and Pearl’s heart swelled with love. Johnny stirred and she picked him up, placing him in Kevin’s arms. He gazed at their son, his affection obvious, and once again Pearl’s heart soared. He was a good father, and now their future together looked rosy.
‘Yuk, he’s bloody soaking.’
‘Well, you’d better change his nappy then. I’m off to make his bottle.’
‘Leave it out, Pearl. That’s women’s work.’
She shook her head, feigning exasperation. Some things would never change and sorting out their son’s nappy was always going to be down to her.
32
After changing Johnny, Pearl went to the kitchen, relieved to find that her in-laws weren’t up. She made the baby’s bottle and a cup of tea, returning to the bedroom with everything balanced on a tray.
Johnny was squalling and Kevin held him out. ‘He wants his grub.’
Pearl placed the tray on the chest of drawers and, perching on the side of the bed, she gave the baby his bottle, watching as he pulled on the teat.
‘Kevin, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll pop over to see Bessie later.’
‘Why you bother with that old ragbag is beyond me, but I’m going out too so please yourself.’
