“Always.” He watches me until I close the door.
I’m really going to have to do something. Eli is right. I can’t go on like this.
As soon as Eli leaves, I walk over to his parents’ house.
The back door is open when I get to the house. Softly, I knock before going in.
“Mrs. Jackson?” I call as I walk into the kitchen.
Seconds later, she comes around the corner and when she sees me, she smiles.
“You’re just in time for coffee,” she says and she starts to make two cups.
“Thank you.” I lick my lips nervously. “I need some advice.”
She smiles at me then quickly finishes making the coffee. When she hands me a cup, she says, “Let’s go sit outside. It’s a nice day.”
I follow her out onto the deck and we sit down in the sun. With winter coming, the mornings are much cooler.
I take a sip of my coffee before I say, “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the past month.”
She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “You’re welcome. Now, what do you need advice with?”
I take a deep breath. This is going to be hard to explain and I hope she understands.
I don’t know where to begin so I just start to talk. “I really love Roy, even now after he’s gone.”
She nods and slowly sips at her coffee, waiting patiently for me to talk. That’s what I love most about her. She actually listens.
“Mr. Jackson told me that he knows I love Eli.” I glance at her to see her reaction but there’s no trace of surprise on her face. “I’m guessing you know as well?”
“Of course I know how you feel about Eli. He’s your best friend.”
I shake my head and look down at the caramel colored liquid in my hands.
“It’s more than that. I fell in love with him back when we met. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to lose him. I know he only sees me as a little sister. That’s why I tried with Roy.” I look up at her so she will see that I mean every word. “I really love Roy.”
“Of course you do, sweetheart.”
My breathing grows shaky as I say, “But it’s not the same kind of love that I feel for Eli. The love I feel for Roy is calm and safe, where what I feel for Eli is…”
“Confusing? Overwhelming? Intense?” she says.
“Yeah, and then some,” I say, smiling at her. But the smile quickly fades. “I feel guilty. Roy deserved so much more.”
She places her cup on the floor and leans back in the chair. She looks out over the trees in the direction of the ocean.
“I believe love is a choice we make. It’s not a feeling. Sure, you fall in love in the beginning and you have all those crazy hormones, but with time, the heat fades away and love becomes work. You have to choose to work on how you feel about a person. You chose to try with Roy and while he was with you, you gave him all the love he needed, Quinn. I believe you would’ve had a happy marriage with him. You would’ve worked to make a success of it.”
I nod because she’s right. I would never have hurt him.
“But Roy is gone. It doesn’t mean you’re going to stop loving him. You’ll always remember him and with time those memories will bring a smile to your face. Is it too soon to have a relationship with someone else? There is no right and wrong answer. I can tell you this, however. If you’re worried what people might say, then stop. You have to do what’s right for you.”
I sigh and sit forward, resting my arms on my thighs. I look down at the floor and say, “But what if they start talking?”
Mrs. Jackson reaches for me and brushes her hand over my hair. “Sweetheart, people will always find something to talk about. It doesn’t matter. They have no say in your life. If you live your life to please others, you’ll just be unhappy. A wise person once told me you only get one shot at this life. It’s up to you to make the best of it. If you want to be with Eli then go after what you want.”
“You’re right,” I whisper as I think over everything she just said.
I place the cup on the floor before I break it.
“I … uhm,” I stumble over what I want to say next. “I’ve never been with a man. Eli is so much older and I’m sure he’s no longer a…” I let the words trail away into the uncomfortable air that hangs around me.
Mrs. Jackson stands up and walks over to the railing. She turns around and leans back against it.
I start to worry that I maybe got a little too personal when she says, “When it comes to two adults being intimate for the first time, it shouldn’t matter who they’ve been with before. All that matters in that moment are the two of you. It will be a first for both of you.”
“If we even get that far, I’m worried that I’ll ruin it. What if I panic? What if …” My face pulls with agony as I whisper, “The nightmares never stop. It feels as if it’s stained me and I’m scared Eli will see it. It’s changed me and I’m scared Eli won’t want to be with the person I’m becoming.”
Mrs. Jackson holds her hand out to me. “Let’s take a walk. I want to show you something.”
I take her hand and we walk in silence until we reach the beach.
“Take off your shoes,” she says as she kicks her sandals off. When I’m barefoot, she pulls me into the water. It’s freezing but I do as she says. “Oh shit, it was much warmer the last time I did this.”
I smile at her words.
“Besides the freezing cold, what do you feel?”
I frown and look at her. “Water? It’s wet?”
She nods. “It still feels the same right?”
“Yeah,” I say not sure what it all means.
“Look around you. Did any of this change?”
I look out over the ocean and shake my head. “No, it’s still the same.”
She pulls me out of the water and we pick up our shoes before we start to walk back to the house.
“Hurricanes come and go but it still stays the same. Sure it takes a while for nature to recover but it doesn’t change the bigger picture. The same counts for you, Quinn.”
I finally understand what she’s trying to say, and smile. “How did you get to be so smart?”
She laughs. “I married Alex.”
That makes me laugh.
“How’s the training coming along? Ethan says you’re pretty good.”
“It’s too slow. I had this stupid fantasy that it would only take a few days for me to be this bad ass fighter.”
I pluck a leaf off a tree and start to shred it to pieces.
“Does it ever get better?”
She’s quiet until we reach the house and sit down again. I start to put on my shoes when she says, “Did Eli tell you how my parents died?”
I shake my head as I sit back.
“They were killed.”
I didn’t expect to hear those word and they shudder through me.
She takes a deep breath before she continues, “My father and uncle got involved with some really bad people. After my parents were killed, I was forced to run from South Africa. I came here and I managed to hide for seven years before they found me. I blamed myself back then.”
My eyes are glued to her face. My heart starts to beat faster as she tells me about her past.
A wounded look pulls tightly at her features. For the first time, I see all the pain she keeps buried inside of her, as she lets it surface.
“They kept me in a container. They made daily recordings as they beat me. I remember wishing that one of the punches or kicks would just end it all.”
I want to reach out to her but I know now is not the right time. I keep still, just listening to every horrid word.
“The fourth day was the worst.” Her face distorts with pain. “They raped me through the night.” I gasp with shock and quickly get up. I kneel next to her, wishing I could hug those terrible memories right out of her mind. “Alex found me the next day. He killed them all and I remember thinking that their deaths were too quick, too easy. I ha
d wanted them to suffer the same way I had been suffering.”
I look up at her as a tear rolls down my cheek. Her trauma makes mine look like a walk in the park.
She reaches out to me and wipes the tear from my skin, then she leans forward and cradles my face in her hands.
“Your pain is as real as mine, Quinn. We all deal differently. No experience is the same for any two people. I won’t lie, the months afterward were a living nightmare. I couldn’t handle being around people. It took weeks before I felt semi-comfortable with Alex. I felt filthy. They had used me and discarded me like a piece of trash. It almost ruined things between Alex and me, but he was so patient with me. The first time we were intimate turned out to be rather catastrophic. I thought I had ruined any chance of us being together only to realize it was all in my head. I was my own worst enemy back then. Our minds have a way of conjuring up fears that never exists. So many times we get sucked in by those fears that we forget to live.”
“Do I still think about what happened? Yes, it’s a part of who I am.” She shakes her head and whispers, “But I can’t remember their faces. The memories are like faded stains now. The sharp edge of pain has been dulled over the years and it will be the same for you.”
I place my hand on her knee. “Did it help? When Mr. Jackson killed them, did it make you feel better?”
She shakes her head. “It didn’t matter whether they were dead. For a long time afterwards I still gave them the power to hurt me. Whether they were somewhere out there or ten feet under didn’t make the pain any less or more. Only when I saw the beauty that came from it all, did I start to heal.”
“What beauty can ever come from something so horrible?” I ask.
“Alex. Eli. Ethan.” She smiles and the pain retreats back to the depths she pulled it from. “I had to go through hell to find my heaven.”
I reach up and hug her. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
She pulls back and looks at me. “I wasn’t strong back then, Quinn. I only made it because I let Alex in. I had to learn to trust him. I had to make a choice whether I was going to run forever or stay and fight to be with him.”
“I understand. Thank you so much for sharing it all with me.”
She smiles and brushes some of my hair back. “I’ll always be here to talk, Quinn. When things get really bad, and they will, just remember one thing for me.”
“What?”
“People will come into your life and they will hurt you. After they’re done with you and they move on as if nothing has happened, it’s up to you whether you’re going to give them the power to destroy the rest of your life while they forget about you, or whether you’re going to say ‘you fucking hit like a bitch’ and forget they ever existed. They are the pathetic ones, Quinn. They don’t deserve a place in your life.”
Her words feel freeing. I grab her to me and hug her tightly as I whisper. “Thank you so much.”
She hugs me too and presses a kiss to the side of my head. “You’re like a daughter to me, Quinn. I live you.”
I pull back and smile. I’ve heard the Jackson’s say that to each other before but I don’t know what it means.
“Let’s get some more coffee.”
I grab the cups and follow her back into the kitchen.
“Alex doesn’t believe in love,” she says, shocking me for the zillionth time. She laughs when she sees my reaction. “Oh don’t you worry, he’s quite the romantic, but don’t you dare tell him that I said so. We don’t do I love you’s in this family. Love is a fickle thing. Alex once told me that life is the only thing that matters. You only get one life and it’s precious. We live each other. We’re each other’s lives.”
I smile when I finally understand. She hands me a cup of fresh coffee and we sit down at the table.
“My mom died giving birth to me. It’s only been Dad and me,” I say as I smile at her. “You’re the first woman I can talk to.”
“It’s only been these men and me,” she laughs. “You’re a very welcome addition to this family, Quinn.”
“Thank you for Eli,” I say and even I’m surprised when my tears start to fall. “Thank you for raising such an amazing person.”
Tears shine in her eyes but she smiles through them. “You’re welcome.”
Eli
Since the breakdown last week, Quinn has been so much better. Mom told me that she and Quinn also talk a lot. I don’t care who Quinn talks to, as long as she talks to someone, but I’m grateful it’s Mom.
I told Ethan that I’ll be training Quinn now that I’ve fully healed. He mentioned that he has started offering self-defense classes at the gym.
When I walk into the dining room, Quinn’s already busy practicing the punches we’ve taught her so far.
“Are you ready to get physical?” I ask as I walk over to the mat.
“Huh?” she says, and her fist freezes in mid-air. “Physical?”
There’s a healthy glow on her face. She’s wearing a sports bra and shorts that barely cover her ass. Well, this is going to be an interesting session.
“Yeah, you know all the practical things. It’s time to turn it all into actions.”
“Oh, you mean I have to fight you?” she asks, looking a little unsure.
“Get your ass over here and show me what you can do,” I say.
I take off my shirt and toss it to the side.
She comes to stand in front of me and her eyes dart over my chest.
“I don’t think I can hit you, Eli,” she says, as a blush creeps over her cheeks. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
She looks at my side where the scars are and then reaches out to me. Her fingers brush softly over the raised skin. It’s the first time she’s touched me there and it sends sparks sizzling over my skin.
I take hold of her hand and yank her closer. She stumbles into me and when her eyes dart up to mine, I grin down at her.
“Babe, I won’t let you get a punch in,” I tease, as I hook my right foot around the back of her legs and swipe her feet from under her.
She falls down and I quickly straddle her. I grab her hands and pin them above her head. I smile when I see the surprise on her face, her parted lips and flushed cheeks. Her breasts rise and fall with every breath.
“Fuck, now this is a sight I can get used to seeing.” I’ve always been careful not to flirt with her, but right now it’s damn near impossible. Thank God I’m wearing loose gym pants.
She pushes her body up and into mine. Her breath skims over my neck and for a split-second, it looks like she’s going to kiss me, but then she shoves her whole body into mine and she flips me onto my back. She straddles me and grabs hold of my wrists, trying to hold them down to the mat.
A sexy smile pulls at her lips. “Yeah, I see what you mean. It’s definitely a pretty sight seeing you on your ass.”
I pull my arms free from her hold and grab hold of her ass. Her eyes widen with shock and it makes me laugh.
I flip her back on the mat and this time I use some strength to keep her down. She wiggles under me, before she pushes her hips up and our pelvises connect. It creates a hard problem for me and I lift myself up so she doesn’t feel it.
“Don’t focus on getting out from under me. When a man is stronger than you, then you’re just going to make yourself tired and that will make it easier for him to overpower you.”
I have to force myself to focus on the lesson at hand and not her hot body beneath mine.
“How will I fight back then?”
“You can’t knee him in this position, so save your legs for when you get free and you have to run.”
I press down on her arms when she tries to pull them from my grip. I shake my head.
“Forget about your arms too. It’s a natural reaction to want to kick and hit, but right now your biggest weapon is your mouth. Bite his nose or ear off.”
She pulls a disgusted face. “Eww, Eli. That’s gross.”
I lean in and her eyes
zoom in on me. I only stop when my face is an inch from hers. Her breaths start to race over my lips and I suppress the urge to close the distance and kiss her.
“When your life is in danger, there’s nothing that’s too disgusting.”
She wets her lips nervously and lets out a huff of air. “Okay, but there’s no way I’m biting you.”
I smile as I pull back. I get up and help her to her feet.
“Take a swing at me.”
She scrunches her nose. “Can’t you get those safety pads. I don’t feel comfortable hitting you.”
“Babe, I won’t let you get a punch in. Just take the swing.”
She scowls at me and it’s damn cute.
“Fine, wise ass,” she huffs.
She stands the way I’ve shown her and then throws a punch. I bring up my arm and swat her hand away.
“Seriously, Quinn. You can at least try,” I taunt her.
She scowls again and lunges at me, and this time I can see she means it. I grab her wrist and swing her around. Wrapping my arm around her neck, I pin her back to my chest.
“Now that he’s got you again, how are you going to get free.”
She wiggles a bit before she stills. “I can’t knee him. Elbowing doesn’t work for me either. I tried it on you that night and it didn’t get me anywhere.”
“That leaves you with what?”
“Ugh … why do I have to bite myself out of everything?”
“Can you bite me in this position?”
She sticks out her tongue and actually tries to lick my arm. I start to laugh and it makes her laugh. She throws her head back and slams it into the side of my face.
I let her go and her laughter instantly dries up.
“Eli! I’m sorry,” she starts to apologize and reaches up to my cheek. Her fingers trail over my cheek and jaw and I wish the touch meant something else.
“You did the right thing, though. You head butt him. With a little luck, you can actually break his nose.”
She throws her arms in the air and starts to do a victory dance. “I so kicked your ass. I deserve a reward.”
“Yeah? What kind of reward?” I can’t think of a couple right now.
Redemption (Men of Honor Book 2) Page 8
