by Sarah Bailey
He didn’t respond, merely turned away from me on his side and stared out of my window. I hadn’t shut the curtains. It was a cloudless night and the moon was visible. I decided the only thing I could do was be here for him. He might be feeling like shit, but he needed me.
I lay down and wrapped myself around his back, my hand resting on his stomach. My face was pressed into his spine. After a long moment, Duke let out a breath and relaxed back against me.
“I don’t want to be alone tonight,” he whispered.
“Stay with me then.”
The words were out before I could stop them. I didn’t want to take them back, even though it could be seen as a fucked up move on my part. Allowing my best friend who had a girlfriend to sleep next to me in my bed. I had no excuse other than wanting him here with me. Wanting to help him in any way I could. I couldn’t deny Duke my presence if he needed it, even if I knew this was crossing a line.
His hand slid against mine on his stomach and squeezed.
“Thank you for being here for me.”
“Always.”
Duke would need me now more than ever if he was going to do what he said he was. If he was going to break up with Andie. I was determined to do everything in my power to keep him afloat. That’s what you did for the person you loved. And me? Well, I loved my best friend more than life itself, even though it was wrong. Even though I shouldn’t. Despite what I’d thought earlier, I didn’t think now or any time soon would be the right time to tell him how I felt.
Instead, I’d do what I could to mitigate the situation for him. If it meant letting him sleep in my bed with me, then so be it. I’d accept the consequences if they arose. I’d do it for Duke because he couldn’t do this without me.
Chapter Seven
I awoke to the sun blinding me and the smell of peaches. For a moment I felt disorientated until I realised where the hell I was. I looked over at my best friend. Her hair was fanned out across the pillow next to me, her hands pressed to her cheek as she slept.
“Kira,” I breathed out, feeling contentment flooding me.
She was right there. My best friend. The person I needed to keep me together. It struck me for a moment how peaceful she looked, fast asleep without a care in the world. In my barely awake state, I reached out and stroked her cheek with my fingertips. She didn’t stir. I hadn’t wanted to wake her. As if tugged by a cord binding me to her, I leant closer and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
When I pulled away, reality hit me. What the fuck was I doing? Staring at her like she was the person I wanted to wake up next to every day. Fuck. I shouldn’t have even slept in her bed like this, but last night after confessing I wanted to end things with Andie, I’d felt desolate. The need not to be away from Kira drove me. She was the person who calmed me. The person I felt closest to. The one I never wanted to let go of.
You’re fucked up.
The prospect of breaking up with Andie today filled me with dread, but it wasn’t something I could put off. It had to be done before this went any further. I’d fucking well slept in my best friend’s bed and had completely inappropriate thoughts about her. It’s not like we’d done anything, but it still made me feel like a shitty person. A completely shitty boyfriend. Andie deserved better.
The sound of my phone ringing had me turning my head and reaching out, grabbing it off the bedside table. I sat up, frowning when I didn’t recognise the number. Climbing out of Kira’s bed, I walked out into the hallway, pulling the door closed slightly so my conversation wouldn’t disturb her. I answered and pressed the phone to my ear.
“Hello?”
“Duke… it’s Maria, Andie’s mother.”
“Oh, hello, Mrs Simms.”
I had no idea why Andie’s mother would be calling me. I’d met her parents, obviously, but this felt weird. It felt off. Something in her voice sounded almost… ominous.
“How are you, honey? Are you okay?”
“Um, yeah, I’m fine. How are you?”
“Well, I’m… I’m…” She let out a harsh breath, the noise ringing in my ear. “Listen, Duke, there’s no easy way for me to say this. I have some bad news… terrible, in fact.” Her voice cracked on the last words.
A pit of dread formed in my stomach. I stared at the blank wall outside Kira’s bedroom, my fist clenching at my side.
“What’s wrong?” My voice came out all shaky.
“Andie… we… we found Andie this morning… she… she… oh god.” A sob rang down the line. “Duke, Andie is gone… she took her own life.”
I could barely comprehend what she was saying to me.
Andie did what?
“She… she’s dead?”
“Yes. I’m so sorry.”
“No, no, I’m sorry. God, Mrs Simms, that’s awful.”
“I thought you would want to know as you are… were her boyfriend.”
I swallowed hard, trying to keep it together even though my world had tipped on its axis. It didn’t feel real. What she’d said to me felt like it was happening to someone else.
“Thank you for telling me.”
I had no idea what the fuck to say. No idea how the fuck to even feel.
“Are you going to be okay? Do you have someone with you?”
“Um, yeah, I do. I’ll… I’ll be okay.”
I had no idea if I would be, but I wanted to get off the phone to Andie’s mother. The only way I could process this was if she stopped talking. The whole thing was fucking surreal.
“Listen, I have to go… the police are here and I need to speak to them. I’ll call you tomorrow when we know more, okay?”
“Okay, Mrs Simms. You take care of yourself. I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I’m sorry for your loss too, Duke. It’s come as a shock to all of us. Take care.”
She hung up. My hand dropped from my ear, my phone clutched tightly in it.
Andie took her own life.
Andie killed herself.
How did I even deal with this information? What the fuck was I supposed to do? How the hell was I supposed to feel about my girlfriend committing suicide? A girlfriend I had been about to break up with.
Guilt clawed at me, ripping my insides to shreds. I put my fist to my mouth, trying to stifle my emotions. Trying to stem the pain echoing around my body.
“Fuck,” I ground out. “Fuck!”
I looked at the phone clenched in my fist, now it was right in front of my face. It reminded me of the fact Andie had texted me last night and I hadn’t read the messages. I had to look at them. To see what they said. With a shaky hand, I unlocked my phone and opened up my messages. There were several, each with different timestamps on them ranging from five minutes apart to the last one which had come two hours later.
Andie: Wyatt is acting really weird tonight. I’m not sure what’s going on with him.
Andie: I’m worried. He’s talking all sorts of crazy shit I don’t understand.
Andie: I locked myself in the bathroom.
Andie: He seems to have calmed down now. I think he’s just going through some shit.
I almost choked at the last message.
Andie: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do any longer. I’m just sorry.
Then there was nothing. No other messages. What the hell was she sorry for? It all seemed odd and too much of a coincidence for it not to be suspicious. She’d sent me these and now she was dead.
“Fuck!”
I couldn’t think about this or contemplate what had made her take her own life. The world caved in. Everything burnt inside me. I stumbled backwards into Kira’s bedroom door, pushing it open with my back. Turning, I made it to her bed before my knees buckled. I collapsed, tears pricking at my eyelids.
Andie is gone. Andie is dead.
“Duke?” came the voice of the person who was my rock, all groggy and sleep-filled. “Are you okay?”
I couldn’t speak. Wha
t could I even say? My girlfriend had killed herself.
I felt her hand on my shoulder the next moment, pushing me onto my side. The tears had started to flow, but I could no longer bring myself to care. Kira stared at me, concern flittering across her features. Beautiful Kira who I loved so much.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“Andie…”
“What about Andie?”
“Her mum called… she… Andie killed herself,” I choked out.
Kira’s copper eyes went wide and her hand flew to her mouth.
“Oh my god.”
Her shock lasted all of two seconds, then she was right there next to me, pulling me against her chest and stroking my hair. I clutched her as if she was my anchor, keeping me from drowning because I was fucking well drowning in all the fucked up emotions racing through me. They tore my insides into pieces. It was fucked. All of it was. It didn’t feel real, but it was. So fucking real. Andie was gone. Andie was dead and I’d been about to end our relationship. As if I couldn’t feel any more guilty, she’d reached out to me last night. I’d ignored it because I was messed up over it.
Who does that?
Who fucking well does that?
Fuck! FUCK!
I wanted to scream and rage, but all I could do was sob on Kira’s chest and let the waves of devastation wash over me. She stroked my hair and didn’t say a word. What could she say? What could anyone say? None of it was okay. It was all so wrong.
I don’t know how long I cried for. How long we stayed like that. Time was meaningless when I was lost in misery. In so much fucking guilt and pain.
“Dukey, I think I should call your dad, okay?” Kira whispered into my hair.
“Don’t leave me.”
The thought of her going anywhere broke something inside me, but I needed my dad too. I needed my family.
“Shh, shh, I’m not. I’m right here.”
I allowed her space to pull away and grab her phone, then she was right back, holding me again. Kira wouldn’t leave me. She wouldn’t go anywhere. And fuck did I need her right then. I couldn’t face the prospect of losing her too. Not my Kira.
“Hey, Xav … I’m okay, yeah … listen, I think you need to come get Duke … well, I don’t know exactly what happened, but Andie’s mum called him and told him Andie committed suicide last night … yeah, it’s really fucked up … okay, I’ll see you soon … I’m fine, but he isn’t at all … okay, Xav, bye.”
Hearing the words “Andie committed suicide” had me letting out a choked sound of pain. Kira clutched me tighter. Why did this hurt so much? I wasn’t even Andie’s family, and yet I felt like I’d had the rug ripped out from underneath me. Clearly, I was in shock. It’d thrown me off course and I was floundering.
“Shh, I know it hurts,” she murmured into my hair, “I’ve got you. I’m right here. You just let it out. Your dad’s coming, okay?”
I nodded into her chest, unable to speak. The pain in my chest expanded, rapidly gaining traction and flooding me with every emotion under the sun. I swear I didn’t know what was up or down any longer. The only thing I could register in my brain was Kira. She was my light in the dark, keeping me from sinking into the abyss of self-loathing completely.
More time must have passed because I heard footsteps nearby, followed by the bed dipping beside us.
“Dukey,” came my dad’s voice.
I couldn’t let go of Kira. I couldn’t be without her. My fingers grasped at the t-shirt she’d slept in, needing to keep her with me.
His hand landed on my shoulder, stroking it.
“Don’t leave me, Kira,” I whispered on a sob, “Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not,” she murmured, “I’m not going anywhere.”
No one said anything more. I could feel my dad next to me. He kept rubbing my arm, reassuring me he was there too. For some reason, I had this paralysing fear my best friend would disappear on me because my girlfriend was gone. Even though I’d wanted to end things with Andie, it didn’t negate the fact I cared about her, and now she was gone.
After a long while, when my sobbing had subsided, Kira shifted against me.
“Are you going to let your dad take you home?” she whispered, “I think you need your family right now.”
“I need you.”
There was no question in my mind. Out of everyone, the person I needed the most was Kira.
“Then I’ll come too, okay? But you have to let me go so we can get dressed.”
I didn’t want to, but I knew she was right. My fingers loosened from her clothes, allowing her the freedom to pull herself from my grasp. She stared at me before stroking my face and wiping away my tears with her thumb. The heart-breaking look in her eyes forced more tears to flood my eyes. There were no words. She showed me how much she understood with her expression. How she would be here for me no matter what. It reassured me on some level. Made it easier to let her move away.
My dad helped me sit up. I was enveloped in a hug the next moment.
“Dad,” I whispered.
“I know, Dukey. I know it hurts, but I’m here.”
Dad understood the pain of losing someone you cared about. When my parents sat me down and explained their pasts, he told me about what happened to his family. My family. How his father had murdered his mother and sister. My grandmother and aunt. How his father, Julian was in prison, still serving a life sentence. I’d often wondered why we’d not met any of my fathers’ families, but after finding out their history, it made perfect sense.
“Where’s Mum?”
“She’s home. I came straight here without telling anyone because you need me.”
I could hear the concern in his voice. His first thought was me. I was lucky to have a dad like him. Whilst he might be considered the joker of the family, my dad had a soft side. He cared more than he let on, and when things got difficult, he could be relied on to be there for me and my siblings no matter what.
“Thank you.”
“Hey, no need to thank me, Dukey. You’re my son and my priority. Now, do you want to talk about it or should I get you home?”
“Home, please.”
He didn’t hesitate to let me go and help me up off the bed. I’d stripped out of some of my clothes before Kira and I had fallen asleep last night. Dad helped me dress and wiped my face with some tissues. My limbs were shaky. I was just about holding onto my sanity. I wasn’t sure where Kira had disappeared to when we left the bedroom and Dad took me downstairs.
“Did you drive?” I asked.
“Yeah, figured you wouldn’t want to walk.”
I nodded, hearing footsteps on the stairs. I turned, finding Kira bounding down, fully dressed, with an overnight bag in her hand. It made my heart ache. She knew I wouldn’t want her leaving me later.
“Dad sends his condolences and says I can stay with you as long as you need me,” she told me as my dad opened the front door and the three of us piled out onto the street.
Words couldn’t express my gratitude towards Stan and his understanding about how much I needed his daughter by my side. I had no idea what I would do without Kira. Not when everything felt dark and desolate.
I smiled at her as we got in the back of my dad’s car. Her sad smile back as she linked our fingers together on the middle seat spoke volumes. Kira would drown with me if I asked her. And it was the first time I fully admitted to myself how deeply and irrevocably I’d fallen in love with my best friend. The guilt I felt over the whole thing cut into me like a knife.
How could I even be thinking about it when my girlfriend just killed herself? Who the fuck was I any longer? And how the hell was I ever going to get over the fact I’d ignored the girl who needed me because I was wrapped up in the one next to me?
Chapter Eight
When we got back to the house, Dad turned to the two of us with concern painted all over his features.
“Have you two eaten brea
kfast?”
“No,” Kira replied for me, shaking her head.
“Okay, go make yourself comfortable and I’ll get E to make you something. I’ll be back in a few minutes, okay, Dukey?”
I nodded. He walked away into the kitchen. Kira led me down the hallway into my bedroom. She set her bag down by my bookcase and pushed me towards my wardrobes.
“Put something more comfortable on, I’ll be in the games room, yeah?”
“Okay,” I whispered.
She left the room. I stripped off and pulled some trackies on, along with a t-shirt and hoodie. I stuffed my feet into slippers and trudged out along the hallway to the games room. Kira was sat on one of the sofas, fiddling with her phone, but she looked up when I approached. I sat down and immediately put my head in her lap, needing her closeness. No matter what my fucked up feelings were doing, Kira’s presence kept me sane.
Her fingers went to my hair, stroking it with a gentle touch. It soothed me. I’d always loved having someone touch me in this way. I had to shove away thoughts of how Andie did this, scraping her nails along my scalp. Andie was gone. I bit my lip, trying not to allow a fresh set of tears to prick at my eyelids.
“Do you want to talk about what her mum said?” Kira asked after a minute.
“She didn’t say much, only the police were there and she’d call me tomorrow when they know more. I don’t know if I want to know how she did it.”
The thought of it made my heart ache. Of how alone she must have felt. I wasn’t there in her hour of need.
What if I’d checked my messages and responded to her?
Would it have changed the outcome?
I couldn’t think like that. It would only make me feel worse. The whole thing needed to be buried inside me.
What if someone found out about it?
What if they looked at me differently because I’d ignored Andie’s cry for help?
Fuck. Don’t torture yourself. It’s not helping.
I turned my head, looking up at Kira who had nothing but compassion in her copper eyes. She’d put her hair up in a bun. I wanted to run my fingers through the soft tendrils, but I didn’t reach for her. The guilt of everything which had happened made it impossible for me to say a fucking thing about how I really felt.
