by Sarah Bailey
What the hell did sorry even do, anyway?
Nothing.
It did fuck all.
They shouldn’t be apologising to me, but her family. To her parents who’d lost their daughter. I wasn’t worth anyone’s sympathy or fucking condolences. I didn’t deserve it. I was going to end my relationship with Andie because she wasn’t enough for me. She didn’t match up to Kira in my eyes. But she should’ve been enough. She fucking well should have been enough.
I was drowning in my own self-loathing and guilt. Everyone else wasn’t helping. They were only making it worse. Making it harder for me to not want to throw a fucking fit and smash every single item in the room. To take out my anger, guilt and rage at the world. For the fucking injustice of everything.
I kept my temper in check at school despite the anger building inside my chest. It burnt hot, making me fully aware of how like my father I was. Quinn had always called him a hothead, not thinking before he acted. You wouldn’t think it if you’d never seen my dad flying off the handle. He was, in general, rather even-tempered and constantly cracking jokes. But when he went off, he really went off. It was like watching a volcano erupt. I’d been witness to it on many occasions, especially when it came to my dad and Quinn. They could be at each other’s throats in an instant if one or the other went too far.
I didn’t want to lose my shit over people saying “sorry for your loss” but it was taking everything I had not to crumble. Holding onto my anger was the only way I stayed fucking sane. If you could even call any of this sane. My life had turned into a full-blown nightmare. And little did I know it was about to get so much worse.
The moment I got in the door with Eric, my siblings and Kira on my heels, Dad popped his head out from the living room.
“Duke.”
“Yes?”
“I need you to come here.”
He sounded serious and there was a grave look on his face.
“What’s going on, Xavi?” Eric asked, walking towards him.
“The police are here to talk to Duke.”
My blood froze in my veins. Why on earth did the police want to speak to me?
“About what?”
“Andie.”
My heart sunk. I was her boyfriend, so it wasn’t exactly a huge surprise. Still, I hadn’t heard anything from Andie’s parents since the weekend. And they’d only called to let me know there would be an autopsy. Had the results come through?
I shed myself of my coat, bag and shoes. Kira gave my arm a squeeze as she, Aurora, Raphi and Cole walked by me. It didn’t reassure me in the slightest, but what could I do? I suppose I could refuse to speak to them, but then again, I had no idea what exactly they were going to say.
I followed my dad back into the living room, but Eric didn’t join us. Mum was sitting on the sofa with her hands folded in her lap. There was one plain-clothed officer seated and one in full uniform who had remained standing.
Dad brought me over to the sofa and encouraged me to sit down. He took a seat next to me.
“Duke, this is Detective Inspector Kamal and Constable Jones.”
“Hello,” I said, my voice going a little high-pitched as nerves got the better of me.
“Hello, Duke,” DI Kamal said with a smile, “I’d firstly like to make you aware, as we told your parents, you are not under any suspicion. We simply want to ask you some questions concerning Andrea Simms. Her parents have informed us you were her boyfriend, is that correct?”
I swallowed. No one called her Andrea. She’d been Andie for as long as I could remember.
“Yes, Andie and me were a couple.”
“Were you happy together?”
“Yes, as far as I knew, anyway.”
I didn’t know whether to tell him I was planning on ending the relationship.
“And you’re aware of the circumstances of her death?”
“Um, sort of. I mean, Andie’s mum didn’t exactly tell me how they found her or anything.”
The detective looked me over with sympathy in his eyes, but it didn’t put me at ease. If anything, it made my palms sweat even though I had nothing to hide. I hadn’t been involved in Andie’s suicide.
“Can I ask where you were between the hours of eight pm and twelve am on the night she died?”
I looked over at my dad, who gave me a nod.
“I was at my friend’s house… Kira. She’s here, actually. I was there all night. Her dad can confirm that.”
“Okay, good. We will get their details from you afterwards, if that’s okay?”
I gave them a nod. Kira and Stan would come through for me. I wasn’t sure where their line of questioning was going, but I figured it would be better to tell the truth than not.
“This may be a rather personal question, Duke, however, I need to ask if you were sexually active with Andrea?”
I stared at him for a long moment. Why the hell would they need to know that? It was between me and Andie. It was also rather embarrassing to be asked that in front of my parents. They were open with us about sex, but they were still my parents and it was weird. I mean, shit, my dad had given me condoms on my sixteenth birthday and told me to make sure I wrapped up no matter what. I suppose I should’ve appreciated his concern.
“Why are you asking me?”
The detective looked up at the officer who had been taking notes the whole time we’d been speaking, before levelling his gaze on me.
“We have reason to believe Andrea engaged in sexual intercourse before her death.”
My eyebrows shot up.
What the fuck?
As far as I knew, Andie was a virgin. We’d been planning on losing it together the day after she died.
“I never had sex with Andie. I’ve never done it with anyone, so no, we weren’t sexually active. Andie told me she was a virgin.”
“I see. I’m sorry to ask this, but would you have any idea who else she might have been involved with?”
My mind ran through the possibilities. Why would Andie tell me she was a virgin if she hadn’t been? She wasn’t the type of girl who lied. This made no sense… unless…
My stomach dropped out from underneath me. And the words I’d read rang in my ears.
‘Wyatt is acting really weird tonight. I’m not sure what’s going on with him.’
“Dukey, are you okay? You’ve gone pale,” Dad said, putting his hand on my arm to get my attention.
I shook my head. It couldn’t be, could it? If so, it was fucking sick. I couldn’t begin to even comprehend who else it might be. The only person Andie had told me she was afraid of was her brother. It could be someone else, but I had a feeling it wasn’t.
“I… I think you need to see something,” I blurted out, turning back to the detective.
Before he could ask me what, I pulled out my phone and loaded up the last messages I’d had from Andie. Wordlessly, I gave him my phone because I couldn’t bring myself to say it. The whole thing made me ill. All of it.
The detective looked over the messages, but his expression didn’t change. He then handed the phone to the officer before turning his attention back to me.
“Can you confirm who she is referring to in text messages?”
My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, but I forced the words out.
“Andie’s brother, Wyatt. I’ve never met him. I can’t tell you anything about him.”
“And can I ask why you didn’t mention this to anyone earlier?”
I let out a breath.
“I… I hadn’t honestly thought about it or even remembered she sent those until now.”
“When did you first read these messages?”
My hand curled around my thigh.
“In the morning after Andie’s mum called me to tell me that… that Andie was dead. And before you ask, the night before, I saw she’d texted me, but I didn’t read them.”
“Can my colleague take some photos of you
r phone and the messages?”
I nodded slowly, not caring if they did or not. It made me wonder if they’d looked at Andie’s phone, but it’s not like I could ask. Didn’t think they’d tell me details about their investigation.
“Thank you. Now, Duke, why didn’t you look at the messages the night before?”
My hand around my thigh tightened. This conversation was making me feel worse by the second.
“I was with Kira.”
“Your friend.”
“Yes, we were talking and I… I ignored the texts from Andie.”
None of what I was telling him made me feel good.
“Can I ask why you would ignore text messages from your girlfriend?”
Dad put his hand on my arm, reassuring me as I looked down into my lap, feeling completely and utterly ashamed of myself.
“I’d just told Kira I was going to break up with Andie the next day and I couldn’t deal with seeing what she wanted right at that moment. Then I forgot she’d messaged me until the morning after her mum called.”
My breath came out in a whoosh. Admitting it out loud to someone other than Kira made my heart burn. My parents had no idea this was what I intended to do.
“You said you and Andie were happy.”
“We were, but I wasn’t ready for what she wanted from me.”
“And what was that?”
“To be her first.”
These questions made me hate myself more than before.
“I see.”
I looked up at him then. He didn’t look suspicious of my answers.
“Let me ask you something else. Did Andrea ever talk to you about her brother before she sent those messages?”
The conversation I’d had with her weeks ago sprung to mind. I told the detective exactly what Andie had said to me. How Wyatt’s behaviour concerned her and she was worried about him.
“Is this the only time she expressed concerns to you?” he asked me when I was finished.
“Yes.”
“Would you be willing to give a formal statement about everything we’ve discussed today?”
I looked at my dad again. He gave me another nod, but there were questions in his eyes. No doubt about what I’d revealed to the detective.
“Um, sure. I can do that.”
“Thank you, Duke. I think those are all the questions I have for you right now. My colleague and I will document what you’ve shown us and you can have your phone back.”
I nodded as he stood. Dad stood with him and went over to talk to the officer and detective. Mum shifted over to me and put her arm around my shoulder.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
“No.”
I turned into her, burying my face in her shoulder as she wrapped her other arm around me. The weight of what happened was suffocating me. I’d put two and two together. Andie’s brother had done something to her. I couldn’t imagine Andie would welcome that type of attention from him. It only led me to one conclusion. The detective said Andie had engaged in sexual intercourse before her death. Wyatt had to have… raped Andie.
“I feel sick,” I whispered, “How could he do that?”
“We don’t know what happened.”
“You didn’t see what Andie said in her messages. She had to lock herself in the bathroom as he was going crazy. He had to have… have done something to her. He had to.”
Mum rubbed my back.
“Sweetheart.”
“I can’t… I can’t imagine… I can’t.”
“Shh, it’s okay. I know, it’s awful. Too awful to even imagine.”
I couldn’t say anything else. All my words got caught up in my throat. It was too much to handle. All of it.
After a while, Mum let go and I had to finish up with the police by signing a formal statement. When they were gone, Dad came over to me, his eyes full of concern.
“Dukey…”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I muttered, shoving my hands in the pockets of my school uniform and looking away.
“I think it’s important that you do.”
“What’s there to say? I think I’ve said it all already.”
He tucked his fingers under my chin and lifted my face up so I’d meet his eyes. We were almost evenly matched in height now, as I’d had a growth spurt.
“Duke, I know you’re suffering right now, but you can’t shut us out.”
I tried not to let tears well behind my eyes. Dad understood more than anyone else. He knew what it was to have the people you cared about ripped away from you suddenly. And yet, all I felt was guilt. I was going to break up with Andie and now she was gone. Everyone had clearly expected me to be the grieving boyfriend. To an extent, I was. But not in the way they thought.
I stepped back, forcing him to drop his hand.
“What difference will talking about it make?” I pulled my hands from my pockets and threw them up. “I was going to end it. Everyone expects me to be devastated because she’s gone and I am, but it’s not the same. It’s not the fucking same.”
And with that, I stormed out of the room, hating myself for raising my voice to my parents. Hating everything I’d learnt. All of it was so fucked up. When I got to my room, I slammed the door shut and almost put my fist through it. Instead, I pressed my palms to the wood and closed my eyes, trying to take deep breaths. Trying to calm myself down.
Then I felt a presence behind me, arms enfolded around my middle and a face pressed into my back. I smelt peaches a moment later. My tense body relaxed a fraction.
“I’m here,” she whispered.
A tear slipped from my eye.
Kira. My person. My whole fucking world.
“I’ve got you, Dukey. Just let it out. All of it. I’m right here.”
Chapter Eleven
I had no idea what the police had said to Duke or why he was shaking with the force of his emotions, but it didn’t matter. Every instinct inside me told me to go to him. To help him. To make him feel better. Seeing him like this cut me, but I held my own emotions inside. I shut them down to be there for him.
“Kira,” he whispered in an agonising tone which ripped into my soul. “I can’t deal with this.”
“What happened?”
His body shook harder. I held him tighter, wanting to assure him I had his back. He didn’t have to be afraid to be real with me.
He stiffened as voices filtered through the doorway.
“I think we should leave him be, angel,” came Xav’s voice.
“I can’t wait around knowing he’s hurting and not do anything,” Ash replied, “He’s my son and he needs us.”
I pulled my face away from Duke’s back, watching as his fingers curled in on themselves, forming fists on the door.
“You forget who he takes after?”
I could hear Ash let out a loud sigh.
“No. How could I ever forget when he reminds me so much of you?”
“Then leave him be. He’ll come out when he’s ready.”
“I hate this.”
“I know, angel. We all frustrate the hell out of you, but you love us anyway.”
I heard Ash let out a hollow laugh.
“I do, tesoro, so deeply.”
“Come on, we should talk to Quinn, E and Rory about this.”
Duke and I listened to their retreating footsteps. His body deflated. He dropped his fists from the door. Pulling away, I encouraged him to turn around and look at me. The tear tracks on his face made me reach up and hold his cheek with one hand.
“What do you need?”
He stared at me for a long moment, his body still except for his breathing. Then he turned his face into my palm as if he needed my touch to ground him.
“To not feel,” he told me a moment later, “To just not fucking well feel.”
“You want to go out for a bit?”
He nodded. I’d already changed out of my school u
niform whilst I was waiting for him. It was Friday and I was staying here tonight. I’d brought an overnight bag with me.
I dropped my hand and let him move away to get changed himself. It’s not like I hadn’t seen him half undressed before, but I didn’t stare at him. It wouldn’t do me any favours, nor did I think it appropriate when he was in his current state.
After he got changed, he slung a bag over his shoulder. The two of us snuck out of his room and went into the kitchen. As we’d overheard Xav and Ash say they were going to talk to the rest of Duke’s parents, it was empty. Duke went over to a cupboard and opened it. He pulled out what looked like a bottle of dark rum. I watched him mix it with coke from the fridge in another bottle then grab snacks, stuffing them all into his bag. Clearly, Duke was in the mood to forget about everything. It’s not like I’d never had alcohol before, but considering we were sixteen, we’d have to be careful whilst we were out.
We stopped in the hallway to put on coats and shoes before leaving the house together. No doubt his parents would call him to ask him where he was. I decided to text Xav to let him know we’d gone and not to expect us back for dinner.
Neither of us spoke as we strolled down the street towards the park nearby. Sometimes Duke and I would go there to get some air when we’d had a marathon gaming session.
When we reached our usual bench, Duke put his bag down before slumping in it. As I sat beside him, he leant forward and put his head in his hands.
“Why is the world so fucked up?”
I didn’t know if it was a rhetorical question or not. Instead of replying, I put my hand on his shoulder.
“The police asked me if I’d been sleeping with her.”
I swallowed.
“Why?”
He dropped his hands from his face, leaning on them and staring out over the grass.
“I’m guessing the autopsy confirmed she’d had sex not long before she…”
The direction of his words worried me. I knew Duke hadn’t slept with her. He hadn’t wanted to… so, who had?
“Kira, I think her brother… I think it was him.”
“Why?”
I dreaded the answer because the thought of what he said made me sick.
