by Abby Jimenez
He wanted no fewer than five children, and he planned for nine. And he hoped all his kids got the signature Copeland dimples and cowlick.
I hoped for that too. I wanted him to get all the things he dreamed about.
Yes. I knew him. I knew him well.
* * *
We took first place in trivia. The prize was two Malone’s T-shirts.
Afterward, we sat in a dim cracked-leather booth at the back of the bar, nursing our beers with a basket of hot wings and Malone’s famous queso. A live band played “Wonderwall” on the beat-up stage. Malone’s was a dive. There’d already been two bar fights since we got here. It was good entertainment—better than the band.
I’d gotten twenty dollars’ worth of fake tattoos from a vending machine, and we were giving each other full sleeves and laughing at people in the bar.
“Okay,” Josh said, pressing a wet napkin to my forearm to stick a tattoo. “If you could turn anything into an Olympic sport, what would you win a medal for?”
I lifted the napkin and peeled off the plastic backing, looking at my new rose tattoo. “Sarcasm.”
He laughed, his brown eyes creasing at the corners.
“All right, my turn,” I said, laying an anchor tattoo on Josh’s impressive biceps. “Window seat or aisle?”
He watched me slap on the wet napkin. “Middle seat. That way I’m next to you no matter which one you want.”
Gah. This man. So selfless.
He’d said it so casually it was like thinking about me first came naturally. Like it was knee-jerk for him. My lips twisted into a smile, and we gazed at each other for a moment.
He was having a good time. He was happy. I wondered if he was this happy when we weren’t together. If he had this much fun with his friends, or the crew at work.
Or any of the dates he went on.
I didn’t. Not even with Sloan. It was different with Josh. It just was.
How many good days like this did we have left? In a few weeks, I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. I’d be recovering from my surgery, and he would be long gone. The wedding wouldn’t throw us together. I already gave Miguel his job back. Creepy or not, I needed to replace Josh. Miguel knew the work and had his own garage to build out of so I’d never have to see him.
Everything was already taken care of. Everything except how I’d feel when this all ended.
And there was nothing to do about that.
“I need to send Sloan a picture of this,” I said, shaking myself out of my thoughts. I angled the camera to get my whole arm. Then I sat back in the booth and started texting. “I keep getting autocorrected from ‘queso’ to ‘quest.’” I shook my head. “Trust me, phone, I’m never going to talk about a quest. It’s queso. Always queso.”
Josh snorted. Then he nudged me, nodding to a girl in a skirt way too short for her, teetering in heels on her way back from the bathroom.
I laughed. “Look at the guy she’s with. He’s resource guarding. Growling over her like a dog with a bone. He’s eyeing every man that comes within ten feet of her.”
Josh chuckled. “Want me to test your theory? Pretend like I’m gonna try and talk to her?” His eyes twinkled.
“Oh my God, yes. Please.”
He set his beer down and slid from the booth, and I watched, grinning, as he made his way over to the bar, shooting me a wolfish look over his shoulder. When he got close, Dog Bone Guy puffed his chest and wrapped an arm across his girl’s boobs. Josh veered left, laughing.
I put a hand over my smile. His boyish charm always got me. He was adorable.
He made his way back to our table and scooted in next to me, putting an arm around me. “You were right.”
“That was fucking hilarious.” I giggled, leaning into him.
His eyes gleamed and he drew his lower lip between his teeth, looking down at my smiling mouth. And like it was no big deal, like there weren’t any rules, as if we were a couple just out on a date, having a good time, he leaned in and kissed me.
And I let him.
TWENTY-NINE
Josh
She kissed me back. She didn’t push me away and get pissed, she didn’t object. She didn’t remind me that we’re just fuck buddies or tell me this wasn’t a date.
She kissed me back.
I hadn’t brought up the Vegas call—I didn’t have to. She was so different with me today it finally felt like we’d turned a corner. Maybe she’d missed me all those weeks or it was me telling her I loved her that night on the phone. Maybe she was over Tyler. I couldn’t be sure what finally opened her up to me. All I knew was it was a gift.
Her fingers clutched the front of my shirt, and I pulled her in, pressing her into my chest, loving the taste of hops on her tongue, inhaling her perfume.
The kiss was slow and full of emotion. And it was the first time we’d kissed when it wasn’t about sex.
I cherished this small gesture, this tiny public display that I had any claim to her. This stolen contact that didn’t adhere to any of her rules.
When we broke apart, her sideways smile was light and unguarded. She draped her arms around my neck. “You’re my favorite monkey to throw poo with, you know that?”
I stared into her eyes. “Then why aren’t we together, Kristen?”
And then like that, she was gone.
Her expression fell like a heavy curtain dropping.
I lost her.
She sat up straight and moved away from me. “It’s time to go,” she said flatly, looking around for her purse.
Disappointment cut into me, razor sharp and violent. My hope, yanked out from under me.
No. Not today. Not again.
I flexed my jaw. “Kristen, answer me. Why aren’t we together?”
When she looked up, her face was cold. “I told you from the very beginning that this was just going to be sex. I never led you to believe that it was anything different, Josh.”
I shook my head at her. “It is something different and you fucking know it.”
She turned and slid out of the booth on the opposite side.
“Where are you going?”
“To get another drink,” she said without looking at me. “A strong one. Feel free to leave. I’ll Uber home alone.”
“Kristen!”
She ignored me and walked to the bar. I raked a frustrated hand through my hair.
I can’t do this anymore.
And I had to at the same time. I couldn’t not take what little scraps she threw at me, but how could I keep living like this?
Weeks of this roller-coaster ride, of glimpses of…something. I chased it, ran after this elusive rainbow of a woman, never really catching up with her.
Why did she keep doing this?
She leaned on the bar and I sat, trying to calm myself down a little before I went after her. I stared moodily at the business cards lacquered into the top of the table. I was glancing up from this when he approached her. Some fucking guy.
He put his hand on her…
I launched out of the booth in an instant.
THIRTY
Kristen
I had to get up, had to be somewhere where he wouldn’t see the pain in my eyes. My mask could only hold up so long.
My boundaries had been wavering all day. I’d gotten sloppy—I’d gotten stupid. I’d just missed him too much, and with so little time left I couldn’t help myself. I just wanted to show him how he made me want to be with him. Just today.
Just once.
And now I’d fucked everything up. I never should have started up with him. It was selfish and idiotic to think I could pull this off. And I shouldn’t have gone over there today. I should have ended things after karaoke—I knew better. I knew he was having feelings.
“A shot of Patrón.” I leaned on the worn wooden bar, imagining Josh’s eyes on my back.
This was it. The last day. It was all over now. No more.
A lump bolted to my throat.
Well, it was a good d
ay. It was. At least there was that. It came sooner than I’d hoped, but here we were.
A warm body edged up to me as I wiped a tear from my cheek and I turned, expecting Josh. But it was one of the frat guys from the table next to us at trivia.
He tossed his head back, flinging hair from his forehead. “Hey. Do you believe in love at first sight?”
He was wasted. Red eyes, reeking of Jäger. He leered at me, way too close.
I scooted away. “No, but now I believe in annoyed at first sight,” I mumbled.
He snapped his fingers at the bartender. “She’ll have another of whatever she’s got.” He pointed at me.
“Uh, no, she won’t.” I turned to him, irritated, and gave him my best sarcastic smile. “What’s your name?”
He beamed under ruddy cheeks. “Kyle.”
“Okay, Kyle. I’m trying to be a better person these days, so I’m going to tell you to fuck off in the nicest way possible.” I gave him crazy eyes. “Fuck off. Please.”
He laughed. “Wow, okay.” He blew a sour breath in my face.
The bartender slid my tequila in front of me, and Kyle dropped a bill on the bar. I slid it back to him. “No.” I shook my head incredulously. “What is it about the look on my face that is encouraging to you right now?”
I never understood men who wouldn’t take no for an answer. I opened my purse and paid. “Keep the change.” Then I picked up my shot and gave Kyle my back, shaking my head.
He grabbed my arm from behind. “Hey, don’t be fucking rude…”
I was looking down on his hand, ready to introduce him to my elbow, when suddenly Josh was there.
He pushed between me and Kyle, knocking him away from me. “Hey, get your fucking hands off her.”
Then he lurched forward with a shove, crashing into me, sloshing my shot all over the bar.
Josh moved so quickly Kyle didn’t know what hit him.
Josh was big, but he never struck me as someone who could be fast.
He was a viper.
In a split second he had Kyle shoved against the bar with his arm twisted behind his back, his cheek pressed into the counter.
The bouncer showed up out of nowhere. “You and you, out,” he said, pointing at Josh and Kyle.
Josh let go of his drunk idiot and I grabbed my purse and jumped from my stool, making my escape before he tried to get me to go with him. I threaded my way through empty high-top tables toward the ladies’ room, but Josh caught up and grabbed my arm.
“So you’re just gonna run from me? We’re not going to talk about this?”
I whirled on him and yanked my arm down. “No, we’re not. There’s nothing to talk about. I’m single, we’re not a thing. You knew that from the beginning.”
The pain rippled across his face.
I’d never seen him like this. I’d never seen him worked up before about anything. He was always so laid back, and all I could think was that I’d managed to hurt this sweet man. It gutted me. I couldn’t keep looking at him.
I made to move past him to the ladies’ room, desperate to hide from the damage I caused, but he blocked my way. “How can you act like today didn’t happen, Kristen?”
“Josh, I don’t want to argue with you. Move,” I said, glaring at him.
His jaw set and I pushed past him. Then he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder like I was a fire hose. Hooting and cheering erupted in the bar.
“Josh! Put me down!”
I struggled uselessly against his grip. He had seventy-five pounds on me, and he was on a mission. I wasn’t going anywhere. His arms locked like a cage.
“You’re not running from me anymore,” he said. “You’re talking to me.”
He came out through the double doors into the parking lot, and he didn’t set me down until we were on the grassy divider by the street.
As soon as I got my feet under me, indignant rage bubbled over. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m not your fucking possession,” I hissed at him.
His eyes flashed. “No, you’re not my anything, are you? I’m allowed to touch you as long as I don’t act like it means something, right?”
The emotion on his face twisted my insides. Anguish and despair swirled in his eyes.
I turned back for the bar to escape that look, and his arms were around my shoulders in a second, locking my back against his chest.
His lips went to my ear. “I can see the way you feel about me when you don’t think anyone is looking. I fucking see it, Kristen.” His voice cracked. “I remember what you said to me that night in Vegas. I remember.”
All of the fight drained out of my body in an instant.
He breathed into my ear. “Why won’t you just let me love you?”
A sob burst from my mouth, and I went limp in his arms. He held me up, hugging me to himself, absorbing my surrender.
I turned in the circle of his embrace and buried my crying in his shirt. He put his face into my neck and held me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to be his prisoner. I wanted to never escape.
Tears poured out of me. “I can’t, Josh.” I gasped into his chest. “You don’t know it all.”
“Then tell me,” he said. He pulled away from me and spoke to my eyes. “What is it? Because I know you want me. I know you’re acting. Just tell me why.”
How do you share something like that? How could I tell him that my body could never do the one thing he needed it to? I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t bear to see my value drop in his eyes, see him realize I wasn’t actually what he wanted.
Less of a woman.
Damaged goods.
Barren.
Sterile.
I shook my head, biting my lips together. “Josh, you should just forget about me. Get serious with one of those other women you see. Have sex with them. Move on.”
He let out a puff of exasperation. “What other women? There are no other women. There never has been. Do you know what I’m doing when you think I’m on dates? I’m at home, alone, wishing I was with you. This is what you’ve made me into. I pretend to see other people because I know if I don’t, you won’t see me anymore. Why?”
“You…you haven’t been seeing anyone else?” I blinked at him.
“Of course not. I’m fucking in love with you.”
And like he couldn’t stand not to for one more second, he grabbed me and kissed me. His lips were pained and desperate, and I hopelessly kissed him back. I climbed him, combing my hands in his hair. I wished I could drown in him. I needed to extinguish the burning disappointment in my soul, and for a few seconds, I did.
And then I pushed him away.
He let me go and I staggered back in the grass, and he stood there, panting.
“Josh, I can’t see you anymore, okay? This is over.” I choked on the words.
I watched what I said hit him like a smack. “Why?”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and blinked through the tears. “Because you’re obviously taking this way more seriously than you should be. I told you. I told you from day one that this would only ever be sex. I never lied to you.”
His jaw went rigid. “You’re lying to me right now. I know this isn’t what you want. You fucking love me, Kristen. Just stop—” He reached for me and I smacked his hand away.
He stood staring at me, confusion and hurt etched all over his handsome face. “Why aren’t I good enough? Is it because I don’t speak a dozen languages? I don’t have a fucking master’s degree? I don’t make enough money? What is it?”
It’s not you.
I let the tears run down my face, and I clutched at my facade. “You thought you could change me just like you thought you could change Celeste. You’re changing the rules, just like you did to her. Don’t put your shit on me, Josh. You said you could handle this. You said you could—”
“I’m not fucking crazy! Stop acting like I’m making this up!” He dragged his hands down his face
and balled his fists over his eyes. He stood there, his breath coming out in gasps, and I wanted to run to him and dive into his arms. But I didn’t budge.
“We’re in love,” he said, blinking at me through tears. “We are. Why are you doing this?”
My bottom lip trembled. “Fine. So we’re in love. What do you want from me, Josh?”
He let out a shaky breath, and the relief transformed every inch of his body. His eyes softened into hope.
He closed the space between us and gathered my face in his hands. “I want what we had today, all the time. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand on a walk and kiss you in a damn booth. I want you to answer my fucking calls and let me hug you. I want to make plans with you on New Year’s and my birthday and tell people you’re my girlfriend.” His eyes begged me. “Please, Kristen. Just…stop.”
“I can’t have children.”
I forced it from myself before I lost the ability to do it.
It had the desired effect. He froze.
“What?” he breathed.
“I can’t have children. I have a condition. I’ll never have them.”
His hands dropped from my face. He stared at me with his mouth open, the color draining from his cheeks. “You can’t…what do you…what?”
I took a few steps backward, giving myself a head start. He didn’t move. He just stood there, shell shocked, gawking at me.
When he didn’t reach for me again, I turned and ran.
THIRTY-ONE
Josh
I got to the fire station early this morning. I had no hope of sleeping and needed the distraction.
Kristen never came home last night.
Fuck, I shouldn’t have let her run off. I was just so shocked. It felt like she’d handed me a bomb and it detonated in my face, pelting me with emotional shrapnel. My ears had literally started to ring after what she’d said, and she’d bolted and jumped into the car of some girl she’d met during trivia, and she was gone in an instant. It happened so fast.
