by T. J. Klune
“Sam,” both my parents said in that tone of voice that said I was in the most trouble I’d ever been in in the history of my life.
“My lord,” my father said. “Please excuse my idiot child. He was dropped on his head repeatedly when he was a baby.”
“Hey!” I growled at him. “You said you only did that twice. What do you mean repeatedly?”
“It would certainly explain a lot,” Morgan said. “Does he ever stop talking?”
“No,” my mother said. “Never.”
“Hey!”
They all looked at me.
I was suddenly nervous because I remembered that this was Morgan of Shadows, and while most of the stuff said about him was probably crap, there had to be truth in there somewhere, and I didn’t want to be murdered by having my spleen removed with a magical knife or whatever he supposedly did to bad guys.
“I’m not a bad guy,” I said to him, trying to reassure him. Or me. Or the both of us.
Pete, my sweet guardian guard said, “Well, not all the time.”
I glared at him. He stuck his tongue out at me.
“Did you do this?” Morgan asked. “Turned these boys to stone?”
I wrung my hands together. “I don’t know. I don’t even know how it happened. I was running from them and they chased me and then bam. They were all rock people.”
“Why were you running from them?” he asked.
“They stole Mrs. Kirkpatrick’s bag of cloth,” I said. “She’s old and doesn’t have a lot but she likes to make things like ugly mittens and pants for obese people and it wasn’t right. They shouldn’t steal from nice old ladies who make big pants so I went and took them back so people could eat all the food they want and still have clothes to wear.”
They all stared at me.
“Well! It’s true! And they chased me down this alley and were going to punch me in the throat so I turned to take it like a man because that’s what my dad taught me. That you should never run away from your problems if you don’t have to. Or don’t want to. Or if you’re trapped by a dead end.”
My father looked down at me with such fierce pride on his face that my heart stuttered in my chest.
Morgan frowned. “And then they just turned to stone?”
I shrugged. “Yes?”
“Okay, then,” he said, clapping his hands in front of him just once. “Turn them back.”
“Excuse me?” I might have squeaked.
“Turn them back.”
“How?”
Morgan shrugged. “That’s up to you to figure out.”
I frowned at him. “That’s not helpful at all.”
“No, I suppose it isn’t.” But he wouldn’t say anything else.
I looked up at my mom and dad. They both had narrowed eyes that told me in no uncertain terms that I better change the assholes back from stone or I was going to be grounded for at least the next month, if not longer.
I grumbled at them but pulled away to stand in front of Nox. By now, a large crowd had gathered at the mouth of the alleyway, which made things all that much worse, because I could hear my name getting whispered over and over again. I was pretty sure I was going to make a fool of myself and be pooping in a bucket by sundown.
Since I didn’t know what I was doing at all and figured I might as well try and fake it as much as possible, I raised my hands, palms out toward the stone teenagers, and shouted, “Malakasham!”
Morgan said, “What.”
“Flora Bora Slam!”
Morgan said, “Flora Bora Slam?” It sounded like he was choking.
“Abra Wham!”
Morgan said, “What are you doing?”
I squinted up at him. “Saying magic words until magic happens?”
“Magic words?”
“Isn’t that how magic happens? You say magic words and magic stuff happens. Like people turning to stone and exploding nipples.”
“I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be because of Flora Bora Slam,” he said dryly.
“Pfft,” I muttered. “Like you know.” Oh, but wait. He was the King’s Wizard. “Okay, so, you would know.”
“Flora Bora Slam,” he said again, rolling his eyes.
“Well, I’m all out of ideas.”
He looked incredulous. “That was your idea?”
“Yes. It might have gone better in my head.”
“I have a feeling that sums up your life perfectly.”
Since I was too young to understand I was being insulted, I beamed and said, “Thank you!”
“Colors, Sam. Do you remember seeing any colors?”
I frowned. “Colors? What do you mean? I didn’t see any….”
I’d caught his attention. “Sam?” he said quietly.
“There was… green,” I said. “Like. This green that was out of the corner of my eye. It reminded me of trees and grass.”
He nodded and something akin to wonderment flickered across his face. “Earth. Stone. Can you find it again?”
“I don’t know how I found it in the first place.”
“But you know of it now,” he said. “Look for it.”
And I did. For the longest time I did. I looked all over. Up and down and left and right. The sky, the ground. The buildings. My parents. Morgan. The crowd. The stone boys. I didn’t see it anywhere and just as I was about to tell Morgan so, something danced just out of the corner of my eye and it was green, it was so green, and I thought, Hello. Hello, there.
Morgan took in a sharp breath. “You found it. I can feel it. It’s so… expansive. How have you never…?” He shook his head. “Can you grab it?”
And I could. I did. I would learn later that I didn’t find it right away because I was looking too hard for it, but the moment I stopped pushing, it started pulling. I touched the green and it was warm and kind and I said, “Yes. Yes.”
And I pushed. Hard.
The alley shook again and people gasped and shouted as they took steps back. There was another crack, and the group of stone boys turned back into flesh and blood and bone.
Nox, who’d been caught midyell, continued, “—gonna fucking kick your ass, Sam!” before he squeaked and came to a stop, seeing the alley had quite a few more people in it than he remembered.
My dad growled, “If you touch my son, I’ll cut off your arms and beat you with them.”
“Wow,” I said in complete adoration. “That was graphic and amazing.”
My mom said, “And I’ll cut off your legs and shove them so far up your anus that you’ll taste your feet at the back of your tongue.”
“Dudes,” I whispered to everyone. “That’s my mom.”
Morgan said, “And I’ll make your nipples explode.”
“I started that rumor!” I told Nox. He didn’t look very happy at that. As a matter of fact, he looked downright frightened. It was a good look on him, all blond hair and bright eyes. If he wasn’t such a dick, I’d have thought him handsome. But he was a dick.
(But he was still sort of handsome.)
“Please don’t make my nipples explode,” Nox whimpered as his gang of jerks cried behind him.
“Don’t steal from old ladies who make ugly mittens and pants for obese people,” Morgan said, “and I might consider not exploding your nipples.”
They agreed immediately and fled the alley in a cloud of teenage angst and hormones.
“You’re so rad,” I told Morgan honestly. “Almost up there with my mom and dad. Not the same level because no one ever will be. But, dude. Like, so close.”
He smiled at me. “Thank you, Sam. I’m glad you think so because I have a feeling you and I are going to be spending quite a bit of time together for the foreseeable future.”
“You want to be my friend? Okay, that’s cool with me. But you have to come over to my house at least three times a week.” I took him by the hand and started pulling him out of the alley, reminding him that he still hadn’t told me what a succubus was and that we’d really need to come up with
code names for each other, like Wolf Fighter and Star Explosion. He told me he already had his code name in Morgan of Shadows. And then he said that one day I’d have my own code name and everyone would know it. I asked him how old he was. He said two hundred and forty-seven. I told him I knew he was so old.
The next day, there was a package delivered from the castle. Pink, pointy shoes in just my size. I wore them every day. I also wore the ugliest mittens that Mrs. Kirkpatrick made especially for me for getting her cloth back. They were hideous and I showed them to everyone.
Three days after the shoe delivery, we were moved into the castle and I became the apprentice to the King’s Wizard. My mom worked in the King’s garden and tended to as many flowers as her heart desired. My father was given a position in the forestry service, reporting directly to the King. When All Hallowed Day came the next winter, he was put in charge of the gift giving and every child in the slums was given a carved wooden toy.
To say it caused an uproar is a bit of an understatement. A boy from the slums who would become the next King’s Wizard. A family plucked from obscurity and made the faces of the ideal dream. Some people were happy for us. Others resented us completely and fully. Still others were jealous of the position I was in, having trained years upon years to be considered in the position of Morgan’s apprentice.
But I was blissfully unaware of all the talk because I was too busy being kickass and learning magic, and it wasn’t until I turned thirteen that I realized I hadn’t felt the need to wish upon the stars in a very long time.
CHAPTER 3
Face Full of Sass
WE STROLLED triumphantly back into the City of Lockes, only a day after Lartin the Dark Leaf met his gross end in a cave in the Dark Woods.
Pete was on duty at the castle gates. He’d gotten older and fatter, there were lines around his eyes, and his hair was mostly gone. But he was still the best castle guard ever.
“Oh, you are in so much trouble,” he said when we came into sight.
Okay, maybe not the best ever. Like eighth best.
“Hush, my good man,” I told him. “I’m strolling in. Triumphantly.”
“Yeah. You were supposed to be strolling in here two days ago.”
“Bah.”
“You gonna tell me what happened?”
“Not in the slightest.”
“Morgan is going to have your head.”
“Told you he was gonna be pissed,” Gary said as he came to a stop in front of Pete. Pete pulled out some bits of apple that he always saved for Gary. “You’re my favorite,” Gary told him. “Sam got captured again.”
Pete smiled wildly.
“You fickle bitch,” I said. “Everyone’s your favorite when they give you something.”
“Can’t hear you,” Gary said through a mouthful of apple. “Too busy eating deliciousness that was saved just for me.”
“I want apple,” Tiggy said, and so Pete pulled a Marcanian Red out of his pack. It was the size of his hand, and I knew he’d brought it specifically for Tiggy. Tiggy grinned and took it from him. “I love you, tiny human.” Tiggy patted Pete’s head before biting the apple in half, core and all. “I save Sam from capture.”
“I’m glad you all are so easily swayed by fruit,” I said with a glare. “Your loyalties are shockingly disloyal.”
“Morgan wanted to see you as soon as you got back,” Pete said. “You know how much he hates waiting.”
“Scale of one to I’m-fucked?” I asked.
“Eh,” Pete said. “Beyond fucked, maybe?”
I groaned. “Not my fault.”
“It never is,” Pete assured me. “Best get in and get it over with.”
“You’ll protect me, won’t you?” I asked him, giving him the big eyes.
“Get in there,” he said with a grin. “I’ll see you later for dinner at the castle. Supposed to be some big to-do tonight.”
I hadn’t heard anything about a feast before I’d left the week before. It was a good thing we’d gotten back when we did. If I’d missed the celebration, it would have reflected badly on Morgan. “For what?”
Pete shrugged. “Promotions, I think. Of the knights. Maybe a certain knight in particular?”
And my mouth went dry and I’m pretty sure I had half a boner. “Sweet molasses,” I breathed.
“Priorities,” Gary reminded me before glancing back at Pete. “Sam said he doesn’t have time for a boyfriend, much less Knight Delicious Face.”
“Remind me why you call him that?” Pete asked.
“Uh, pretty simple, Pete,” I said. “He’s a knight. And his face is delicious.”
“And you’ve told him this?”
I found the ground interesting to look at. “Shut up, Pete. I don’t care. Shut up. I don’t even know you. So shut up with your mouth.”
“Sam a sad Sam,” Tiggy said succinctly.
“Sam,” Pete said kindly. “Maybe you should just take a chance, you know? What’s the worst that could happen?”
I laughed bitterly. “Um. The worse thing that could happen is that he would laugh in my face and then hit me with his shield and knock me to the ground and then step on me as he walked by me.”
They all stared at me.
“What? You said the worst. He doesn’t even know my name!”
Gary snorted. It came out blue and yellow this time. “I’m pretty sure he does. You’re next in line for King’s Wizard. Everyone knows who you are. And then there’s the fact that you both live in the same castle and see each other every day when we’re here. And the fact that there’s pining involved.”
“That doesn’t mean he knows me! He doesn’t even say hi to me at all!”
“That’s because you run far when he show his face near your face,” Tiggy said.
“That is not even remotely true.”
“I hope not,” Pete said. “Because here he comes right now.”
I had run twenty feet before I realized he was lying. I turned and they were all laughing at me.
“You assholes,” I said with a scowl. “We need to go see Morgan. I want to get the yelling out of the way so I can sleep for hours and hours.”
“Think about it!” Pete called after us. “You’re not getting any younger.”
“Fuck yourself!” I called back sweetly.
YEAH, MORGAN was pissed.
My arrival was announced as soon as I entered the gates of Castle Lockes. I tried to get the announcer to shut his face, but he had already blown his horn and yelled out my name, so I instead focused on tamping down the urge to shove said horn down his throat.
It took Morgan less than twenty seconds to come storming into the lobby of the throne room. I was dutifully impressed, especially when he came in with long red robes flowing, looking all kinds of badass. I told him as much as I looked down at my road-weary clothes, trousers and boots covered in dust. My jerkin was torn at the sleeves. I was not presenting very well. No wonder people were giving me weird looks.
“Two days, Sam,” he said, voice flat.
“And I am aware of that,” I said. “And I have a perfectly good explanation.”
“Oh really?” he said, cocking an eyebrow. “It wouldn’t potentially have anything to do with the fact that there’s a dead Dark wizard in a cave in the Dark Woods?”
I winced. “Ah. Huh. I was kind of hoping news would not travel that fast and I would have a chance to totally lie to you about not being captured.”
He looked unimpressed. He pulled it off very well.
“In his defense,” Gary said, “Lartin was a jerk who called me a horse and bound us with vermilion root so he totally deserved to be smashed to bits.”
“Not helping,” I muttered.
“I smash him good,” Tiggy said. “He look like squashed tomato.”
“He was monologuing!” I said to Morgan. “You know how I feel about villains monologuing. Seriously, just do what you’re going to do and stop telling people about it.”
Morgan rubbed
his head like he was getting a headache. Which, to be fair, he often did around me. So I was completely unsure if he actually was getting a headache or if it was more of a Sam, You Suck kind of thing. “My life,” he muttered. “This is my life. I chose this to be my life. By choice.”
We all smiled at him because he was so lucky and he totally knew it.
He sighed. “Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to hand over the wormwood because I’m assuming you wouldn’t show your face back here unless you got it. You’re going to go see your parents, and then you’re going to bathe and sleep because you look like shit. You are going to wake up quiet and refreshed and you will stay as such as we attend the feast tonight. You will stay in my sight at all times, and tomorrow, I will kick your ass. And then we’ll figure out what to do in case the Darks seek any kind of retribution for the fact that one of their own is dead. Do we have an understanding?”
“Mostly,” I said. “I’m not so sure about the ass-kicking part—”
He arched a dangerous eyebrow.
“Complete,” I said. “Complete understanding. I’m so understanding, I can’t even get more understanding than I am right now.”
“Good.” He reached out and grabbed my neck, pulling our foreheads together. I felt our magic mingle, and I breathed a sigh of relief. It felt so good to be home. “I’m glad you’re back,” he said quietly. He pulled away and turned to Gary to rub his right ear in the way that made his back leg shake and kick. Gary sighed happily, and Morgan asked Tiggy to come with him because he wanted to show him something in the lab. Tiggy took the wormwood from the pack on Gary and muttered quietly to Morgan as they disappeared through a stone archway that led toward the lower quarters of the castle where our laboratory was.
Gary yawned, ears flicking back and forth. “I’m gonna head to bed. Tell your mom and dad I’ll see them tonight.” He pressed his snout to my cheek and I protested the wet kiss, but only because that’s what we did. It wasn’t so much a secret that I secretly loved it.
“Later,” I told him, and he went the opposite direction.
I went through the throne room, where tables were being set up in preparation for that night’s feast. Festive lanterns were being hung overhead, greens and yellows. Blues and reds. People bustled back and forth. They called out to me in greeting, and I waved tiredly as I pushed through toward the gardens at the back of the castle.
