by T. J. Klune
“Of course you did.” I sighed. Leave it to him to be able to hear whispered sarcasm.
“Don’t you get snarky with me, you baby wizard,” he snapped. “I know how to turn your little pecker into a chicken and you will never be able to change it back.”
We all gaped at the crystal.
“Randall?” Gary said.
“Yes? Who’s this?”
“This is Gary, Sam’s friend.”
“Are you the giant or the unicorn?”
“The unicorn. I just have to say that you’re my new hero. ‘Baby wizard’ is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard. And please teach me the chick-dick spell. I have to know it. Immediately.”
“A unicorn tried to kill me once,” Randall said, completely ignoring Gary. “Well, I’d just tried to kill it myself, but only because it’d come down with a case of Raging Hubris for which there was no cure. I thought I was doing it a favor, but instead, it saw it as an act of violence. Of course, this was back in my younger days when I was a bit more fit than I am now. I could run a three-minute mile and still have enough endurance left over to have relations with…”
“Nope,” I said. “Nope, nope, nope. This is not going to be a thing.”
“…the Drumond sisters,” he said, completely overriding me. “Now, the Drumond sisters were lookers, and both of them seemed to be in love with me. And by lookers, I mean you looked at them and said, eh, why not? But given the size of my…”
“Oh gods no,” I whispered.
“…heart, I could not choose between them. Needless to say, they were extraordinarily jealous of each other, but I made sure to spread my time equally between them so each of them could have a little bit of Randall. Now back in those days, it wasn’t required that one be accompanied by a chaperone. It certainly made things easier when we wanted to…”
“It’s like we aren’t even here,” Ryan said in awe.
“…go dancing. Now people are so concerned with virtue and innocence that they are blinded to the fact that when people get together, sex happens. We are held by societal standards that the body needs to be covered up and that we need to speak in prim and proper tones and words. Why, back in my day, clothing was optional! If you didn’t want to wear trousers, you didn’t have to! It was okay to go out and for everyone to see your…”
“My stomach hurts,” Gary said.
“…dedication to freeing your spirit from the confines of rigid morals and ethics that had no bearing on who we were as individuals and as a whole. But, I digress. The Drumond sisters were more than willing to step out with me, knowing my position on clothing and they never had to worry about my…”
“I no wear pants now,” Tiggy said, reaching for his waist.
“Sam, Randall had better be wearing pants when we’re at Castle Freeze Your Ass Off,” Gary warned. “I am not traveling across the country just to have to spend four months in an ice castle with an old naked wizard.”
“Tiggy, put your pants back on!” I shouted as he ran around laughing, bits and bobs flopping around.
“No!”
“I feel like this is pretty much your lives all the time,” Ryan said.
“We normally don’t get naked this much,” Gary said.
“You’re naked all the time,” I said to Gary. “You don’t wear clothes. By definition, you’re a nudist.”
“Just because I have no body issues, Sam.”
“I don’t have body issues!”
“Then take off your clothes!”
“Fine!” I handed Ryan the crystal and my hands went to the buttons on my trousers, unsnapping them quickly and efficiently. “I’ll show you body issues.”
“Whaaaat?” Ryan said, eyes wide.
I slid my pants down to my ankles to prove a point. “See! I don’t give a shit.”
“Holy shit,” Gary said. “You’ve got a gigantic—”
“…personality to think I’d ever be okay with dating two women at once,” Randall said, oblivious to everything else. “And so I told them that I—”
“This wasn’t what I had in mind,” I said, face flushing, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to bend down and pull my trousers back up. I was frozen solid.
Gary said, “You certainly are… packing. My, my, my. Little Sam is all grown up, isn’t he?”
“Whaaaaaat?” Ryan said, eyes glazing over.
“Are you hitting on me?” I squeaked.
“No!” Ryan said, flushing brightly.
“Uh. I was talking to Gary?” Weird. Why would Ryan think I was talking to him?
“No,” Gary said. “I was merely extolling virtues that I didn’t know you possessed. I could never hit on you. You’re like my much older, less fortunate stepsister.”
“Stepsister?”
“Is it getting warm out here?” Ryan asked no one in particular. “It feels like I’m on fire.”
“No pants!” Tiggy shouted. “Hi, people! No pants. Wear no pants!”
I looked over to see who he was talking to. There was a group of travelers on the road, three men and two women. All of them were staring at us with shock evident on their faces. I covered myself with my hands while Tiggy stopped and cocked his head.
We fell silent.
“…and that’s how I managed to escape the unicorn suffering from Raging Hubris,” Randall finished.
AFTER SCREAMING quite loudly and pulling up my trousers as quickly as I could, I apologized profusely to the travelers who had stumbled upon us. One of the women growled at me and called me her little minx before the other woman reined her back in.
“You pulled down your pants in the middle of the road?” Randall said through the stone after the travelers had departed. “Gods, Sam. Have you no shame? You represent Morgan and the King!”
“But… you just… you were naked all the time!”
“I am not a King’s Wizard,” he said. “Have a modicum of tact, Sam. You are on a quest to save the Prince of Verania from the clutches of a mighty dragon and you’re taking off your pants in broad daylight out in public? I always knew you were going to be trouble. Even before you gave me a phallus for a nose.”
Ryan said, “You did what?”
“You are never going to let me forget that, are you?” I sighed.
“I had to officiate a wedding the next day!”
Ryan said, “No, seriously. You did what?”
I shrugged. “The first time I met him, I accidentally turned his nose into a penis. I was young and thought about dick a lot.”
Ryan almost fell down. For no apparent reason. He wasn’t even walking.
I arched an eyebrow at him. “You okay?”
“I just…,” Ryan started. “I don’t…. Sam.”
“That pretty much sums up how we all feel about Sam,” Gary said. “Fond with strong overtures of horror.”
I grinned at Ryan. “You’re fond of me.”
He started coughing violently.
“Fond,” Gary said to Tiggy.
“Fond,” Tiggy repeated.
“What?” I asked.
They both sighed.
“Randall,” Gary said. “Isn’t it a requirement for all wizards to be at least slightly self-aware?”
“One would hope so,” Randall said. “A wizard must be familiar with his surroundings at all times and able to pick up on all the subtle nuances from the people and/or creatures he associates with.”
“Subtle nuances,” Gary said.
“Subtle,” Tiggy said.
I scowled at the both of them. “You guys are being ridiculous.”
“Why did you summon me?” Randall asked. “You know I’m very busy.”
“Uh. You summoned us?”
“I did?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Well, then. It must have been important. Where are you?”
“A few days outside of Meridian City,” I said. “Headed for Tarker Mills.”
“And what did you find in Old Clearing?”
I hesitated. Then, “Nothing pertaining to the dragon.”
Randall was silent for a moment. Randall silences were not good silences in that they were calculating. I could hear the gears whirring in his head as he picked up on my evasiveness. But he surprised me when he said, “Well that’s good news, at least. It means the dragon’s territory isn’t as far-reaching as we thought it would be.”
Gary looked at me oddly, and I knew we’d be having words later.
“Good news,” I echoed.
“And how long until you get to Tarker Mills?”
“Three weeks or so. A little less if we’re lucky.”
“Luck always seems to be around you, doesn’t it?”
“It does?”
He chuckled, though he didn’t sound amused. It was a dry, raspy thing that grated in my ears. “You’re alive, aren’t you? That’s more than I would have thought when I first met you.”
“That’s… comforting,” I said.
“Is it? Wasn’t meant to be. Simple recitation of fact.”
“Always a pleasure, Randall.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I thought there was a good chance you would have blown yourself up by the time you turned fifteen.”
“I almost did,” I said. “Several times.”
“I still remember the day when Morgan told me about you. It was the day I first got an ulcer.”
“Do you still keep in touch with the couple you wedded?” I asked him innocently. “I bet they look back on their ceremony fondly. Or was that question too nosy?”
“Did you just make a pun about giving him a dick nose?” Ryan asked me, sounding amused.
“Gods,” Gary muttered. “This is so gross to watch.”
“What is?” Tiggy asked.
“Tell you later,” Gary said.
“I do, in fact,” Randall said stiffly. “It took years for them to be able to look upon me without horror, but we’ve managed. It helps that they think the person responsible was lashed with a whip thirty times and then dropped in the middle of the Dark Woods dressed only in undergarments and covered in honey.”
“And why honey?” I asked, despite myself.
“To attract bears,” he said.
“That’s elaborate.”
“Revenge fantasies typically are.”
“You had fantasies about me? Randall. Control yourself. I was barely a teenager, you old minx.”
“Knight Commander,” Randall said.
“Yes?”
“I order you to draw your sword and stab Sam of Wilds. Anywhere will do, though I would prefer it in the face.”
“You seem like the type to prefer it in the face,” I muttered.
“What was that?” he asked sharply.
“Nothing.” I glared at Ryan as he reached for his sword. “And just what do you think you’re doing?”
He looked confused. “Sam. It’s Randall. He’s legendary.”
“And so you’re going to stab me?”
“No,” he said, but what he really meant was maybe.
“If you try and stab me, I’ll turn you to stone again,” I said.
“Again?” Gary, Tiggy, and Randall all said.
“Long story,” I said, eyeing Ryan until he dropped his hand from his sword.
“They have stories,” Gary whispered to Tiggy.
“Long stories,” Tiggy whispered back.
I was about to curse them both when Randall said, “Morgan thinks you’re keeping something from him.”
“Goddammit,” I muttered.
“So you are.”
“Wizards have secrets.”
“You’re not a wizard yet,” he reminded me.
“Oooh,” Tiggy and Gary said.
“People have secrets,” I corrected myself.
“They do. But not apprentices. Especially not to their elders.”
“No secrets,” I said. So many secrets.
“Sam.”
“Randall.”
“You know I’ll get it out of you once you get here, don’t you?”
“You can sure as hell try.”
He sighed and then proceeded to say the worst possible thing he could. “Look. If it has to do with this whole cornerstone business, I understand. I do. Probably more than you could ever know. It’s hard when the person you want can’t be the cornerstone you need.”
Everything fired at once in my brain and I was left gaping at the crystal, trying to say something, anything to get him to shut up and not say another godsdamn word because Ryan was standing right there, looking at me like he had a billion questions and I didn’t know how I was going to answer a single one. Then I remembered that neither Gary or Tiggy knew who my cornerstone was and thoughts did flood in, and they were all fury and rage, and how many ways I could turn Randall’s nose back into a dick so I could castrate him twice.
So to make the situation better, I opened my mouth and said, “Uhhh,” like a boss.
Gary narrowed his eyes at me.
Tiggy looked surprised.
Ryan was confused.
“Oops,” Randall said, not sounding apologetic in the slightest.
“Your what?” Gary asked dangerously.
“You know?” Tiggy said.
“What the hell is a cornerstone?” Ryan asked.
“Oh no!” I said loudly. “It’s getting late. We really should get moving. Long distance to travel. Princes to save. Dragons to vanquish. Much too late to waste time talking about nonsensical things that have no bearing on our current situation.”
“Like that’s ever stopped you,” Randall said.
“You’re not wearing a watch,” Gary pointed out helpfully.
“I can tell by the sun,” I said through gritted teeth.
“It not noon yet,” Tiggy said.
“He’s just feeling bashful,” Randall said.
I was going to turn all his appendages into penises so I could castrate him multiple times. There would be so much castration, everyone who saw would be like, dude, that’s probably a bit excessive with how much you’re castrating him. And I would turn and say it will never be enough. “Wonderful, Randall,” I said, even though it came out a bit more murderous than I had intended. In fact, everything about me seemed to scream murder right at that moment, if the looks on everyone’s faces said anything about it. “This conversation has been most illuminating. I’ll be sure to properly thank you upon my arrival to Castle Freesias.”
“That sounded like a threat,” Randall said. He didn’t sound intimidated in the slightest.
“Why would I threaten you?” I asked. “I’m only an apprentice, after all.”
“Would you look at that!” Randall said. “How did that tunnel get here that I have no choice but to walk into? I’m about to lose you on the summoning crystal. Very shoddy connection. It’s… getting… harder… can’t… hear….”
The crystal went dark.
“He just hung up on you again, didn’t he?” Gary asked.
“Yes. Okay! Time to go. We have twenty minutes to make up. I think we should do sprints. Silent sprints with no talking because that would be difficult.” I hated the words as soon as they came out of my mouth because I’d just voluntarily suggested running. Running was stupid and it did nothing to make a person healthier. It was boring and lame and I wanted to do so much running right now. As fast as I could.
“You hate running,” Gary said.
And I hated unicorns, but I didn’t say anything about that now, did I? “Turning over a new leaf.”
“Oh? Was it laying on your leaf bed of lies?” he asked.
“That… that didn’t even make sense.”
“It sounded better in my head,” he admitted. “Like, devastating, even. I honestly expected tears from all the devastation.”
“I’m not devastated.”
“I’ll think of something later,” he said. “You’ll be gutted emotionally and you’ll cry and I shall emerge victorious.”
“The fact you are going to act
ively spend time thinking of ways to make me cry really concerns me.”
“It’s not that hard. You cry at everything.”
“I do not.”
“Puppies in the slums with no one to give them food,” he said. “And they have really big eyes and all they want to do is go home with you but you can’t carry them because you lost your arms in a factory accident when you were fifteen.”
My eyes burned as I said, “You monster. And that was surprisingly detailed. The no-arms thing? Masterstroke.”
“What the hell was Randall talking about?” Ryan asked, ignoring our obviously important conversation. “And why is everyone pissed off at Sam?”
“That’s nothing new,” I said. “People are usually pissed off at me. And Randall is a crazy old man who lost his mind decades ago. Just drones and drools, that’s all he does. You can’t believe a single word that comes out of his mouth.”
“What’s a cornerstone, then?” he asked.
“Babble and crazy talk,” I said quickly before Tiggy and Gary could cut in. “It’s an old wizarding legend. Has nothing to do with anything. I don’t even know why he brought it up.”
“What’s the legend?”
I shrugged, trying to remain calm and cool and collected, but I almost hit myself in the face with my own shoulder. “Just a magical foundation thing. Like I said, it doesn’t matter. We should go.”
“No. Fucking. Way,” Gary breathed.
Oh shit.
I glared at him, trying to relay the urgent message of shut up! shut up! with my eyebrows.
But he wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring at Ryan with this newfound appreciation, like he was the most wonderful thing that had ever been created. It took Tiggy a moment to catch on, but then his big eyes got even bigger and he started breathing slightly funny.
“Uh, what?” Ryan asked, looking at them warily.
Gary leaned closer to him, stretching out his neck until his face was inches from Ryan’s own. Their noses almost touched. Ryan, gods bless him, didn’t jerk back. Gary started breathing heavily in Ryan’s face and I had no fucking clue what was going on.
“I like you,” Gary finally said in a low voice.
“Thank you? I thought you already did.”
“No. Like, I really like you. Before, I was just pretending. I actually think I almost despised you. But now I don’t.”
