“OK. Thank you. This stomach virus keeps coming in waves. I thought I was over it last night, but I was wrong.”
After ten more minutes, I think it’s safe to leave the bathroom. I dump a puddle of hand sanitizer in my hands and rub them together. It smells like flowers, and I instantly feel queasy again.
“Girl, you are pale. Let’s go. I don’t want to sit through history, anyway.”
It feels like I’m hiking through the desert as I make my way to Amanda’s Kia Rio. It’s mid-October and cool out, but I’m clammy and hot, every step taking great effort from how weak and exhausted I am.
“You look like you could be dehydrated. You need to have mama nurse take a look at you tonight. Unless ...”
My head is leaning back against the seat, and my hands are across my stomach. Why that helps, I have no clue, but it does a little.
“Unless what?”
“OK, so I haven’t felt a need to ask since you are like the most innocent girl I know, but have you and Luke already fucked?”
“Really? That’s how you want to word it?”
“That’s what it is.”
“Not necessarily.”
“I knew you’d make him wait forever. What did you tell him? Three months? Six?” Amanda keeps glancing over at me, her round brown eyes wide as she chomps her gum.
Her jeans are too tight on her thighs, and I think I see a faded hickey on her neck. She should wear long hair if she’s going to keep letting dudes suck on her neck.
I sigh. She is one of my closest friends, so I guess I can share with her. I would be shocked if Luke hadn’t told Dalton.
“I didn’t say we haven’t. I was saying that it didn’t have to be called that. We ... made love.” I roll my head toward the window, so I can’t see her face since she’s certain to tease me.
“That’s sweet, McKenzie. I’m jealous. The way you and Luke look at each other is like nothing I’ve ever witnessed before. I bet it is lovemaking.”
“You’re not going to tease me?” I ask, turning my head back to look at her and getting dizzy in the process.
“No, McKenzie. I screwed up early on, messing around with too many guys when I was way too young. None of them at this school take me seriously because of it. They expect me to do everything right away.
“My hope is that I’ll meet a guy after high school that doesn’t know my past. Maybe he’ll respect me if I don’t put out immediately.”
“I’m sorry, Amanda. I thought you didn’t mind the things you do. You could always say no.”
“Maybe. Enough about me. How long have the two of you been making love?” she asks seductively.
“About six weeks.”
Her head snaps my way.
“Damn, you got right to it.”
“Only because it was Luke. It felt right.”
“McKenzie, did you miss your period?”
I close my eyes and think. I’m not a clockwork kind of girl. My periods have always been irregular, and sometimes they are very light and for a short duration.
The last month has been hectic. Liv and I are finally back to normal, so if I’m not with Luke, I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t feel left out.
A couple of weeks ago, Luke, Liv, Dalton and I even celebrated Luke and Olivia’s eighteenth birthday together. “I haven’t had my period since we started having sex.”
“Oh, damn, girl. You need a pregnancy test.”
My head begins turning back and forth, and I’m certain I’m on the verge of vomiting again.
“No, I can’t be pregnant. We used protection every time.”
“We need to check. It’s not foolproof.”
“I’m too sick, Amanda. I have to get into bed and sleep.” It all comes out as a garbled whine.
“OK, but you need to do it soon. I’m going to go crazy wondering.”
“Yeah, yeah. Hell, maybe I’m sick because I haven’t had a period in a while. Maybe I’m on the verge of a heavy one.”
“I have a bad feeling about this, McKenzie.”
I wave my hand at her and close my eyes. Everything is spinning. “Please, get me home.”
Luke
I’m freaking out. I waited by Kenzie’s locker between our last class, and she never showed. She’s not answering her phone, either. I can hardly concentrate through Calculus, so afterward, I search for any one of her friends.
“Liv, have you seen Kenzie?”
My sister rolls her eyes. “No, Luke. She’s always with you, if she’s not with me.”
“She isn’t answering her phone, I can’t find her, and it worries me since she’s been sick.” I see Amanda and Shelby treading toward us. “Have either of you seen Kenzie?”
“I took her home. She was pretty ill,” Amanda says.
I scratch my head. “Why didn’t she tell me?”
“She didn’t want you to miss class again. She was going to bed, so she probably forgot.”
“OK, thanks.”
“Luke, Dad will kill you if you leave school early again.”
I groan, frustrated that I can’t take care of Kenz, but Liv is right. My dad is on me hard about my grades and not missing school.
***
I can’t get Kenz to answer her door after school, so I take a key I have and let myself in.
“Kenzie, baby, wake up,” I say after practically running to her room. She opens her eyes. “I’ve been worried sick about you all day. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“I’m sorry. I should’ve text, but I was too sick. All I could think about was getting to bed.” She sits up and runs her hands through her hair. She’s pale and her lips are dry.
“When was the last time you had something to drink?”
“Um, I kept about half a glass of water down last night, but that’s it for a couple of days.”
“What did your mom say?”
“She doesn’t know it’s been that bad. She was only home briefly last night, and I was feeling better then.”
“I’m going to find you something to drink and some crackers.”
“I think I’m better now.”
I manage to get some food and liquids into Kenzie. She seems fine, and I’m relieved that her stomach virus is gone. Now, I hope I don’t get it.
“Kenz, I’m sorry, but the guys and I are meeting up for practice at the rink. Dad will lose his shit if I don’t go. I hate it since I left you last night, too.”
“Luke, I know what’s expected of you. I’ve lived it with you for years, and I won’t interfere with that. Go, I’m good. Mom’s going to be home all evening.”
“OK. I love you, and don’t do too much tonight. I need you with me at school tomorrow. I swear I can’t concentrate when I don’t know how you’re doing.”
McKenzie
Mom comes in from work and finds me curled up on the couch.
“How are you?” she asks.
“A little better. I threw up all morning again, so Amanda brought me home. My abs hurt, and I feel weak, but otherwise, I’m good now.”
I go back to watching TV, but after several seconds, I realize my mom is still staring at me as she stands at the doorway of the kitchen.
“What?” I ask.
She exhales a long breath before sitting next to me.
“I need to ask you something.”
“OK, what is it?” I ask hesitantly before taking a sip of my ginger ale.
“Are you and Luke sexually active?”
“Mom!”
“What? You’re almost eighteen, and we’ve never talked about it. You’ve never dated anyone, so I didn’t think to have the talk, but I’m a mom and a nurse, so shame on me.”
“It’s way late for the talk. My friends told me everything years ago.”
“McKenzie, are you?” My mom is looking at me pointedly, and I’m not getting out of answering this.
“OK, yes, but we’re using condoms.”
“Every time?”
“Yes, Mom. Oh, my gosh, t
his is so awkward.”
“I’m worried you could be pregnant. When was your last period?”
“I’m not worried, and don’t freak, but it’s been awhile. You know my cycle is like that.”
“You’re taking a test. I’ll go buy them. We’ll go from there.”
I roll my eyes. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Look, you don’t have to tell anyone about this, not even Luke. Please take the test to ease my mind.”
“Fine,” I say with a groan.
Nurse Charlotte grabs her purse and is out the door in a beat. I’m becoming nervous. I haven’t worried about getting pregnant since we’ve used protection, but Mom is causing me to have doubts.
***
“I’m going to puke again,” I say, after shutting the toilet lid and sitting down on it.
“You and me both,” my mother says as she stares, wide eyed, at the second positive pregnancy test in her hand. I begin wailing. There is no stopping the heavy tears falling. Mom sits on the floor in front of me before pulling me down into her lap.
She’s holding me as I sob, rocking back and forth and gliding her hand down my hair repeatedly as an attempt to sooth me.
I’m going to have a baby, yet she’s comforting me like I am one. I see an image of Luke at hockey, and then I picture him trying to quiet a screaming baby. This will fuck up his whole future, one that was mapped out for him at birth.
“Ssshhh, McKenzie. You have to calm down before you make yourself sicker.”
I jump from her lap and dry heave into the commode. She holds a cool washcloth to my forehead, and I want her to stop it. She needs to stop caring for me this way when I now have another life to protect.
“Go, Mom. I need to be alone.”
“I know you’re panicked right now, but it will work out. You and Luke will make the decision that is best for the both of you and the baby. I will support you, and I’m sure his parents will, too. They are a loving family.”
I shift to where I’m leaning against the wall with my knees pulled up and washcloth to my forehead.
“Mom, they are nice parents when Luke is doing what they expect of him. They will die but surely kill us first when they hear this news. I need time to think.”
“OK, McKenzie. I will give you some time alone, but don’t even think about aborting this baby and not telling Luke.
“If you decide to have an abortion, he will be included in the decision. You two are good together, and I won’t let you keep a secret like that from him.”
I burst into tears again. To this day, my mother doesn’t know how badly my father treated me when she wasn’t around. I’ve already carried a dark secret all these years.
It would’ve killed her to know what he’d done to me. Her heart would’ve been broken, and the guilt would’ve eaten her up. I go to my room and lie in bed. I’m stunned and unsure of what to do next. How do I tell Luke?
Chapter Thirteen
Luke
I’m aggravated at McKenzie. I texted her when I took a break at hockey, and she didn’t answer. I texted her before I got into the car to head home, and she didn’t respond.
Kenz knows how worried I get when I can’t reach her. Even before we were together as a couple, I was aware of how she was doing and where she was. I pass her house and see that the lights are on. Charlotte’s car is in the driveway, so at least she’s not alone.
I decide to take a quick shower before going over to check on her. Ms. Baker answers after I knock on the door. She looks upset.
“Hi, Charlotte.”
“McKenzie is in her room. You can go see—” Before finishing her sentence, she bursts into tears. What the hell?
“Um, Ms. Baker, what’s wrong? Is it Kenzie?”
“I’m sorry, Luke. She’s OK. Go talk to her.” She lifts the tissue in her hands and begins to blow her nose as she walks away.
I hurry to Kenzie’s room and can hear her crying before I reach the door. Without knocking, I open it and find her in bed with her back to me. Climbing in behind her, I pull her back against me.
“Hon, tell me what’s wrong? Why is your mom crying?”
“Go home, Luke. I don’t feel well.”
“Like hell. I’ve already been around you, so if I’m going to catch something, there is nothing I can do about it now.”
She sobs harder. “You–can’t,” her cries between words fill my ears, “catch this.”
Lifting her limp body, I turn her around toward me.
“You’re scaring the shit out of me, Kenz. Did you go to the doctor? Do you have something serious?”
Covering her red, swollen face with her hands, she wails, and I don’t know what to do.
“What the fuck, Kenz? Tell me what’s wrong. I’m freaking out.”
She jerks her hands down from her face.
“I’m pregnant, Luke. Pregnant!”
I let her go and sit straight up. I try to inhale, but I can’t. I’m frozen, staring at the wall across from me. She’s crying, but the sounds seems far away. I feel a tug to my arm.
“God, Luke. Please, say something. Why won’t you answer me?”
I didn’t even know she had been speaking. I think I’m in shock. I’ve been eighteen for only two weeks, and she won’t be until December.
How did this happen? I thought we were careful. My parents are going to kill me, and I can kiss a scholarship and Dartmouth goodbye.
But Kenzie and I created a life. It would be a part of both of us. It ties us together, and I want that kind of bond with her, but far in the back of mind, I was thinking of it happening in like ten or more years.
“Luke, now you’re scaring me.”
I turn my body and cradle her face.
“I don’t know what went wrong, and I have no clue what to do. I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you won’t go through it alone.” I plant my lips on hers before she climbs into my lap and cries again.
“Luke, I’m so sorry.”
“This isn’t your fault. We did this together, and it was an accident.” I’m scared to death, but I have to be strong for her. She’s sick, weak, and terrified as much as I am.
After peeling her away from my chest, I cup her face again. “Look at me, Kenzie. We’ll figure out what to do, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”
Wiping her eyes, she calms a little.
“I love you, too, Luke. I’m sorry, but if you want me to have an abortion, I can’t do it.”
“I would never want that. That baby was created from us.”
“I have to protect your future, Luke. You’re going to Dartmouth. I don’t want to, but maybe we should give it up for adoption. I’ll even tell people it’s someone else’s, so your parents never have to know.”
“No way are you telling people this baby is some other guys, Kenzie. I can’t believe you said that.” In an instant, I’m hurt and angry.
“Luke, it’s not what I want, but I’ve been thinking, and people know I went to that party in Lebanon. I could say it happened there. No one else is aware you and I were already together then.”
I hold her biceps and bring her closer to my face.
“You listen. That is my baby, and you are not saying differently. Do you hear me? You are not ruining your reputation to save mine. Hell no. We’re in this together.”
She cries again. Jesus, this is a nightmare.
“I’m sorry, Luke. I was only looking for a way not to mess up your future.”
“My future will be perfect as long as you’re in it. I love you, Kenzie. You matter most in my life.”
***
After Kenzie and I decide that today is not the time to make important decisions, and after I console her, I trudge home. I can barely put one foot in front of the other.
Stepping into the house, my dad looks at me from the couch. “Luke, you don’t look too good, buddy. I kept a plate of food for you. You know I don’t cook the greatest, so you might want to eat something else.�
�
“Thanks, but I’m not hungry.”
“Your sister told me McKenzie has the stomach flu. You really shouldn’t be over there.” My dad, David, has his tie off, but he’s still in his dress clothes.
He’s forty-five and in great shape. He’s a go getter, driven to this day. I picture the disappointed look I’m going to see when I tell him the news and tears well up in my eyes.
It shouldn’t surprise me. The only other moments I’ve cried were over Kenzie. It happened a few times when I knew her dad had beaten her. I’d feel angry and helpless, and the tears would come. Then I’d be even more pissed over the fact that I had cried.
“I know, Dad,” I say as I run upstairs. I can’t let him see me upset. Sitting on my bed, I lean against the wall, and the immense weight of responsibility I feel is pressing on my chest. I can hardly get my breath when there’s a knock at my door.
“Luke, can I come in?” Liv asks.
“It’s not a good time, Liv.”
“I know. I feel it, so let me in.”
“Fine,” I say.
She opens the door as I’m wiping my eyes with my palms. “I knew something was wrong, and I can feel that it’s big. Are you and Kenzie having problems, or is she sicker?”
I begin to cry and cannot stop no matter how hard I try, so I pull my knees to my chest and bury my face on my arms.
“Shit,” Liv says before I hear the door shut and feel her climb onto my bed. “Damn, Luke, what happened? She didn’t break up with you did she?”
Lifting my head, I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. “You can’t tell Mom and Dad, Liv.”
“You know I won’t.”
“She’s pregnant. Kenzie is pregnant, Liv, and I don’t know what we’re going to do.” I cry again, and it’s pissing me off. I’m going to be a dad, yet I’m crying like a child.
Liv takes hold of me and pulls me over to her. I lay my head on her stretched out legs, and she runs her fingers through my hair.
“Oh, my god, Luke. I’m sorry.”
***
Age 5:
“No! Get that away from me,” I scream.
“Luke, the doctor has to stitch up the cut on your leg,” my mommy says, and she’s mad, but I don’t care. The doctor is not sticking me with that sharp thing. Wiv hops up on the bed next to me.
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