The words came out of nowhere, and Jordan felt a short moment of pride that his patience—a trait that maybe he needed more of—had paid off, before reacting to her words.
‘Why?’
‘I haven’t...kept in touch with her like I should have. Not after the baby.’
She didn’t look at him, and concern edged into his heart.
‘You were in a difficult place.’
‘And that’s when you’re supposed to turn to your friends, not push them away,’ she said hotly, and then lifted a hand to her mouth as though she was surprised at her own words.
He could believe that, since it was the way he felt, too. Did she mean she shouldn’t have pushed him away either?
‘Maybe Lulu should have understood,’ he replied carefully.
‘Maybe,’ she repeated. ‘Maybe I expected her to.’
They were talking about the two of them, he knew, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to speak plainly.
‘You would have had to say it. How else would she have known?’
‘Because she’s my friend.’
You were my husband.
‘She should have known.’
You should have stayed.
‘People don’t just know things, Mila,’ he said with anger, the only emotion he was ready to accept. ‘You have to tell them.’
‘Because saying things means so much, right?’ she replied calmly.
But he saw the ice in her eyes and he knew the calm was just a front.
‘Like when you say things like “until death do us part”? That means you can never go back on it?’ She raised her eyebrows, waiting for him to reply.
Just beneath his anger, he felt the guilt. When he had left he had gone back on his word. But he wouldn’t have if she hadn’t done it first.
‘You said it, Mila. You have to turn to your friends when you need them, not push them away. You were the first one to go back on your word.’
Her eyes widened, and it seemed that for a moment the ice melted as a tear fell down her cheek. She wiped it away and stood.
‘This was a mistake. Pretending we could do something as simple as having a meal together without getting into some kind of argument.’ She slammed her plate onto the coffee table. ‘Neither of us may be innocent in what happened between us, but don’t for one moment think I went back on my word. I lost our baby. My body failed us. So when I asked for space I was racked with guilt. I was devastated. But you didn’t even fight. You left like it was the easiest decision you ever made.’
‘It was the hardest decision I ever made,’ he shot back, setting his plate next to hers and standing, too, his body riddled with tension, with emotion. ‘But it was better for me to focus on my work, on something I could control.’ He frowned at the unexpected admission, and shook his head. ‘It was the best decision, Mila.’
‘For who, Jordan? You or me?’
She wiped at another tear and it pierced his heart.
‘This is so silly. I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.’
He couldn’t bring himself to ask her to stay—knew that if he did he needed to say something other than the accusations that were coursing through his mind.
When he heard her bedroom door close he flopped down on the couch, thinking about her words. She’d wanted him to stay. The realisation was a blow to his heart that he didn’t know he could recover from, and the niggling in the back of his mind—the niggle that had always made him doubt his decision to leave—finally gained ground.
He had believed that he was doing the right thing for her. But her words now made him wonder if it had been only for her, or for him, too. His own words seemed to prove that it had.
He thought about how relieved he had been to focus on something he could control, to focus on his work. Unlike the day when Mila had fallen and he’d had no choice but to sign the forms approving the emergency C-section. Unlike the subsequent loss of his son that he’d been unable to do anything about, just as he had been able to do nothing about Mila’s grief and suffering.
He froze as his father’s accusation about why he’d left played back in his head. For the first time he considered it. If Jordan had left Cape Town—had left the wife who’d needed him—because it reminded him of his mother’s illness, then Jordan had been running. When Mila had asked him for space to deal with the tragedy of losing their child he had run away. From her pain...from his. Because he hadn’t wanted to see her suffer—emotionally or physically—as his mother had. Because he didn’t want to watch on, helpless, as his father had.
Pain stabbed through him and he rested his head in his hands. Were those the real reasons he had left?
CHAPTER SIX
MILA WOULD HAVE liked a day to ignore the world and lick her wounds. To ignore the fact that the tension between her and Jordan was making her feel ill. She knew that she was causing it—that if she could just sit back and agree as she had during their marriage, she wouldn’t be in the situation she was.
But words kept pouring from her mouth as if she had no control over them. Maybe because she’d realised control didn’t do anything. Jordan had still left, even though she had done—and said—everything she’d supposed to. She had managed to alienate her best friend—her only friend—even though she had always gone out of her way to make sure everyone liked her. To make sure she would always have someone who wanted her.
But when the doorbell rang the next morning she knew that she wouldn’t be able to wallow. Not only because she had to meet Lulu, but because the meeting was only a part of what she needed to do for the event.
She’d made some progress—Karen’s manager had told her that he would run the event by the singer and confirm after that. Her marquee contact had agreed to the customised design, his complaints about the short timeline quelled by the generous amount of money she’d offered. And on her to-do list that day was getting in touch with the food vendors and checking their availability for the next month. That and Karen would determine the date of the event, and once that was confirmed she would be able to start the marketing process.
Before she could get to that list, though, she needed to face Lulu.
Her hands were shaking as she made her way to the front door. She took a deep breath before she opened it, and then she smiled.
‘Hi!’ she said, and her eyes swept over Lulu.
Her first thought was that Lulu hadn’t changed all that much. Her face was still oval shaped, her hair cut close to her head. Her brown skin was smooth, her light brown eyes careful as she looked at Mila. Her second thought was that none of that mattered when there was something massive that had changed.
‘You’re pregnant...’ Mila said through frozen lips, and her heart sped up. Her breath threatened to speed up, too, but she saw the reserve in Lulu’s eyes change to concern and forced herself to control it.
It was just one of those annoying reactions she’d had since losing her baby—like the stairs. She was strong enough to deal with the reaction her body had to seeing Lulu pregnant. Strong enough for the emotional one, too. So she ignored the heartache, the emptiness, and clung to the genuine excitement she felt for her friend.
‘Congratulations!’
She pulled Lulu into a hug, ignoring the distance that had grown between them since her fall. She also ignored the way the swell of Lulu’s belly made her feel incredibly empty.
‘How far along are you?’
Lulu squeezed Mila quickly and then pulled back. The concern still gleaming in Lulu’s eyes was almost eclipsed by the reserve that had now returned. ‘Thank you. I’m twenty-eight weeks. I wasn’t sure if I should come because of...’
Her voice grew softer as she spoke, and Mila knew exactly what Lulu was saying.
‘Well, I’m glad you came. Please come inside.’
> Lulu walked past her and Mila closed her eyes for a second. Lulu had kept her pregnancy from Mila for more than six months because she had been afraid of the way Mila would react. What did that say about her? she thought, and her heart felt bruised at the knowledge. She had never meant for her tragedy to keep her friend from telling her the happy news. It meant Mila had more to atone for than she’d originally thought.
‘Is there anything I can get you? Some tea or coffee?’
‘Um...no, thank you. I can’t stay too long,’ Lulu said, and Mila realised that she wouldn’t have time to beat around the bush.
She watched Lulu gingerly lower herself onto one of the couches, and briefly thought that she remembered that perfectly. But she shook her head and decided she wasn’t going to go down that path.
Instead, she spoke. ‘Look, I know things between us aren’t like they used to be. Our work has suffered because of...everything that happened to me...and now that I know you’re pregnant I feel even worse about not taking on more so we could get commission—’
‘I’m not interested in our work, Mila,’ Lulu interrupted, her pretty face tense. ‘Our friendship has suffered.’
Hearing Lulu say that made Mila feel worse. ‘I know. I...I should have called.’
‘You should have,’ Lulu agreed. ‘And you shouldn’t have pushed me away at all. We’ve been friends for almost a decade.’
‘I know,’ Mila said again, and felt herself dangerously close to tears. It was almost the same conversation she had had with Jordan the previous night. And it was time she admitted the truth of it to herself.
‘I just...’ She stopped. Took a breath. Tried again. ‘I couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t want people around me who would remind me of the things I’d failed at.’
Lulu didn’t respond, and Mila didn’t look up to see what her friend’s face might tell her. She didn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, she thought harshly.
‘How would Jordan and I have done that?’ Lulu asked finally, with a slight hitch to her voice that told Mila she was hurt. Her heart panged.
‘I wasn’t a good enough wife or a good enough mother, Lulu. Can’t you see that?’ Mila was suddenly desperate to make her understand. ‘I should have taken it easy, like Jordan asked me to...’ She faltered, but then continued, ‘I didn’t want Jordan around to remind me of how I had failed.’
‘Even if that made sense—which it absolutely does not—why did you push me away? I wanted to be there for you.’
A trickle of heat ran down Mila’s face. ‘I know you did. But I didn’t deserve someone around who wanted me to feel better about myself.’
‘Oh, Mila...’
Lulu walked to where she was standing and pulled Mila into her arms. On autopilot, Mila returned the hug, too busy thinking about what she had just revealed to her friend—to herself—to be really present in the moment.
‘You deserve everything. Happiness...love.’ Lulu pulled back, her eyes teary. ‘You are good enough. You just need to give yourself permission to believe that.’
Though she wanted to, Mila didn’t waste her breath on asking how she could do that.
‘I’m a mess,’ Lulu said suddenly, wiping at her eyes. ‘Pregnancy hormones are very real.’
‘Yes, they are,’ Mila replied, smiling, but then the smile faded. ‘I’m sorry about everything, Lulu. I shouldn’t have... Well, I should have let you be my friend.’
‘Yeah, you should have.’ Lulu watched her for a moment. ‘Friends are there for one another, Mila. I don’t know how after almost ten years you still don’t know I’m not going anywhere.’
Because for almost double that time I didn’t have anyone to show me what that meant.
But she simply repeated, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Apology accepted,’ Lulu said, and then sat down again. ‘So—tell me the other reason you called.’
A genuine smile crept across her lips. ‘How did you know?’
Lulu gave her a look that had Mila’s smile spreading.
‘I want to start working again. Seriously, this time. Again, I’m sorry I let the ball drop with all the events we should have been doing—’
‘Oh, I’ve been doing them anyway,’ Lulu interrupted.
‘You have?’
Lulu shrugged. ‘It didn’t seem right to let things fall apart just because you needed some time to recover. So I’ve been responding to emails from the website and I forwarded you some so that you’d have something to do.’
Another smile crept onto Mila’s face. ‘You’ve been managing me?’
Lulu let out a small laugh. ‘Yes, maybe I have. But it’s meant that your business hasn’t fallen apart.’
‘Like my personal life, you mean?’ The smile on Mila’s face faltered before she reminded herself that she needed to move on. ‘Thank you, Lulu. That means more than you know.’
‘It wasn’t a big deal. All the details, including the financials are in this binder.’ Lulu reached into her bag—puffing just a little, since it was on the floor—and handed Mila the file. She took it, but didn’t look inside. She trusted Lulu, and knew everything would be in order.
‘I already have our next event,’ Mila said, and explained about the event they needed to plan, the timeline and what she’d already done.
She absorbed Lulu’s shock at the details, and was immensely grateful when Lulu didn’t comment on the fact that she was doing the event with Jordan...or the fact that they were still married. At least that was what she thought.
But after they had spoken about the event in more detail, and just as Lulu was on her way out, her friend said, ‘You know, I was with you when you met Jordan and when you found out you were pregnant. I saw how happy both of those things made you. How happy being a family made you. Maybe finding out you’re still married is a sign for you to try again. A second chance.’
Mila ignored the hope, the fierce desire that sprang up inside her at Lulu’s words. ‘That’s not going to happen.’
‘Why not? You still love him. I know you do. And you’ve always wanted a family, so...’ Lulu trailed off.
‘That doesn’t matter any more, Lulu,’ Mila said firmly. ‘I just want to move on with my life. Focus on my work. Be a good aunt.’ She tried to smile.
Lulu shook her head. ‘If that’s what you really want, I’ll support you. But just make sure it is what you really want. And do me a favour?’
Mila looked up at her.
‘Give yourself permission to think about what you want honestly.’
‘Yeah, I will,’ Mila responded, and then took the time to enjoy having a moment with the only person who had made her feel loved since she was sixteen.
No, that’s not true, she thought, and heard Lulu’s words about Jordan, about family, echo in her head.
Was a second chance possible?
No. She clamped down on the thought. She couldn’t go down that path. Not if she wanted to survive the task they’d been given.
CHAPTER SEVEN
JORDAN WAS RETURNING from his morning run just as Lulu came out through the front door.
‘Hey!’ she exclaimed when she saw him, and Jordan grinned, remembering how much fun she had always been.
She and Mila had been a bundle of light together. It bothered him to see how much of that light had dimmed in Mila, he thought as he saw her, too, and his smile faded.
‘You look great, Lulu,’ he said, focusing his attention on the pretty woman in front of him. And then he saw that she was pregnant and his heart clenched. He suddenly became aware of the way his lungs struggled for air, the way his shoulders felt heavy with grief. He cleared his throat. ‘Congratulations.’
‘Thanks,’ she said softly, and he saw the flash of concern in her eyes.
Because he didn’t need it, he
forced out, ‘You finally managed to find someone who deserves you?’
‘Yeah—still my husband.’
She smiled at him kindly and then turned back to Mila, who was watching their exchange with wary eyes.
‘Let me know how this afternoon goes. Like I said, most of the vendors will be there. And I’ll track down those who aren’t.’
‘Thanks.’ Mila’s eyes warmed as she looked at Lulu. ‘I’ll see you soon.’
They both stood and watched as Lulu walked to her car, and waved at the sound of her horn. When she was no longer in sight Jordan felt his legs go weak, and he walked forward to the chair that stood next to the front door.
‘Hey...’ Mila crouched down in front of him, and as his heart palpitated and he fought for a steady breath, she took his hand and squeezed. ‘Look at me. Look at me, Jordan,’ she repeated when he didn’t respond the first time.
He lifted his eyes.
‘You’re going to be okay. Just keep breathing.’
She repeated it until finally he could feel his heart falling back into the uncomfortable rhythm it always had around her. He pulled his hand away, embarrassed at his reaction. She stood up, but his hope that she would leave it alone and go inside faltered when she took the seat next to him.
‘So it happens to you, too?’
He looked over at her, but she was staring out to where the trees lined the driveway.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Your lungs feel like they don’t work any more and your heart feels like it’s beating to keep the entire world alive.’
She still wasn’t looking at him and he eased. He didn’t know why he had reacted to Lulu in that way. He had seen other pregnant women before. Why had this one been any different?
‘It’s happened to you?’ he said hoarsely before he could stop himself.
‘Yeah, plenty of times.’ She paused. ‘It almost happened with Lulu today.’
‘Why didn’t it?’
‘I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t happy for her.’
He nodded. He understood that. And perhaps for the first time he found himself opening up the door he had locked his feelings about his son’s death behind.
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