During the day, I sleep in fitful snatches of torment. Sometimes, I wake up with Sierra’s scent on the edge of my consciousness. Often, and these are the worst, I don’t see her in my dreams at all. I see each of my brides, one after the other, with looks of pity on their faces and it swallows me alive until I’m awake and destroying more of my castle walls.
My life is hell. Each minute ticks away faster and faster. This time between brides usually slows down and a minute seems like hours. But now, I don’t want a bride. I’d rather be miserable and lonely. And dammit… time flies.
***
Sierra
I’m only half the person I was before. I don’t laugh and I rarely cry. The first year was miserable and then I got angry. That lasted for several years. My anger at Sarn and then my anger at the Goddess. I’m surprised she never ended my worthless life for all the nasty things I shouted into the sky.
Now, I’ve found lonely acceptance. It happened after I convinced the bear shifter who took Sarn to the realm crossing to take me there. The crossing is located in Sedona, Arizona, at a vortex. She pointed out the exact spot that Sarn disappeared. I stayed for three days without eating or sleeping. Nothing I tried worked. I could not break through to his realm. When I finally collapsed, Dmitri was there and took me back to the nightclub and gave me the room that belonged to Sarn. I lie in the same bed where I saw Sarn with two naked women and tried to remember my anger. I wanted so badly to get mad and try to relieve the pain. Then I remembered his covert stares and the heat that ran through my veins when I’d notice. I would give anything to go back to the time before... the time of secret glances and fanciful wishes. The years of anger dissolved as I remembered the good times. He was so angry, lonely, and heartbroken at first. My love changed him even if it was only for a short time. I could smile as I thought of our days and nights together. The only thing that finally brought the tears back was thinking of the pain he must be in. My wolf whined as I curled into a tight ball. Sarn’s scent was washed from the sheets long ago, but I’d swear it washed over me.
Now I’m back in Florida with my family. I don’t smile often. It hurts when I do because I don’t want to be happy. The pain of losing a mate is indescribable. I wonder if the Goddess who punished the dragons so long ago felt this at the loss of her daughter. If she did, I can almost understand the curse.
I’m sitting in a shaded spot by the edge of the water when I scent my brother approaching. He sits beside me.
“We’re a pathetic pair, aren’t we?” I say with a bittersweet smile.
“Yes, we are,” he answers as he places his arm around my shoulder. “I’m leaving, Sierra.”
I knew this was coming and had been dreading it for months. It’s best for him, but I still need him so badly. Our combined loneliness is somehow comforting. “Where will you go?” I’m finally brave enough to ask.
He makes a gruff sound in his throat. “I’m not sure. I know my mate is waiting for me somewhere and I must find him.”
Roland came out to my father when we first returned to the Everglades. My father wrapped him in his giant arms and told him he loved him. For a man who made so many mistakes with his children when we were babies, my father has more than made up for it. He also told my brother the story of Franklin, the liege vampire to the Northeast clan who died at the beginning of the war with the cats. Franklin’s mate was another male. His clan was happy and they accepted the will of the Goddess. Ivan told Roland that the clans would accept him too.
As Roland sits still beside me with his arm over my shoulder, I’ve decide to write a text about the clans. I want the stories of all that has gone on before me. I need something to do with the time I have on my hands. Maybe gathering the stories of our history will help fill the lonely hours. I’m losing my brother and if I don’t do something with my time, I’ll surely go crazy.
I already know the answer, but I ask him anyway. “You don’t want me with you, do you?”
His arm tightens a little. “I love you.” He leans in and kisses my cheek. “This is something I must do on my own.”
“I understand,” I whisper. And I truly do. My life is all but over. My brother has a chance at happiness. “I will miss you more than you know.”
“I know exactly how much you will miss me because I will miss you more.”
We sit quietly after that and just enjoy having each other close. Life goes on for the rest of the world while it stands still for me. My life is over.
Chapter Thirteen
One week before claiming…
Sierra
I’m holding my father and Talya’s newborn baby. She’s incredible. I love her smell, her softness, and her little wrinkles of baby fat that make me want to pinch her. I’ve smiled more in the past few days than during the past twenty-four years.
Life goes on and this birth proves it. My father has nine children. My siblings all came for the birth and brought their mates, even Roland.
Derrick is perfect for my brother. It took seven years for my brother to find him. Roland told me he saw Derrick across a room and he knew instantly. It was so bittersweet for me, though I was incredibly happy for him. They live with the Northeast Clan where Derrick comes from. They tell me stories of Nicolas, a fellow wolf, and his pack—cats and wolves much like my father’s mixed pack. My brother is deliriously happy and I’m happy for him.
I’ve written the clan history and gathered information from anyone willing to speak to me. Some of the stories from the female cats have been hard to listen to. It’s important that their life is written about and mistakes of the past are not repeated. I even wrote my own history before Sarn. I never told Sarn that the friend who I gave my virginity to was vampire. Or that I broke his heart. Writing the beastkind history texts has given me a reason to wake up each morning. The child in my arms gives me another.
“Are you going to let anyone else hold her?” Roland asks as he gives my shoulder a very slight bump.
I reluctantly hand over the small bundle. I’m on edge as is my wolf. I haven’t mentioned to anyone that the day I’ve dreaded for years is approaching. I know they’ve forgotten I’m even mated. I never speak of Sarn. It’s as if he never existed. He’s buried away deep in my soul and only I know he’s there. The claiming is imminent and I want to think he’ll be happy for years to come.
And it kills me.
I need to run and let my wolf free. I head outside and remove my clothing. Since Sarn left me, my shift is painful. I’ve never told anyone. I know the reason—while missing my other half; my wolf can’t truly take over. She rebels when I call her. My father never mentioned this happening to him after my mother died, so I think it’s only me.
Me with my fucked up half-life.
“Oh, dragon, please find happiness,” I whisper into the quiet night sky. Maybe the sky hears because a misty rain begins to fall. I pull in the magic and shift. Tonight the pain is greater than ever before. In my wolf form, I sink to the ground and catch my breath. At last I’m able to stand. Then I run.
I know every path, every body of water, every swamp. This is my territory too. I crave this wild run like no other. Somehow I need to survive the next five days and then the next five-hundred years. As I have many times before, I wish I aged. Years ago, I tried denying our clan’s liege vampire my blood. My father and brother wouldn’t allow it. They threatened to hold me down, so I gave in. It left me bitter for a long time.
After my mother’s death, my father ran from the support of his clan and left behind his children. I wonder how he found the will to accept a vampire’s gift and not take his own life. Without the people who love me, I would have let all my suffering end.
An alligator snaps at my feet as I leap over him. He’s always near the same spot and I actually enjoy antagonizing him. I smile slightly inside my wolf’s head. Then I run until my sides heave and my legs ache. I know sleep will evade me tonight like it does most nights. Maybe I will get lucky and this run will give me peace for a few
hours.
I shift a short distance from home and continue on two legs with a still-heavy heart. I must plaster a smile on my face so the joy of this new birth is not overshadowed by my sadness. I near the clearing in front of the house and scent something I never expected to smell again.
Dragon.
I start running and tear inside the front door. My mind is a jumbled knot of endless longing. I hit my father’s back because I can’t stop fast enough. I’m shaking and I wonder if this is a dream. My father turns and steadies me before he moves aside.
It’s a woman. She’s dressed in some kind of outlandish, Raquel Welch, One Million Years B.C. throwback poster attire. I want to scream and cry and rage against fate. She stares at me and suddenly her brown eyes flash an iridescent blue. I know who she is.
Roxanne.
It makes no sense. An overwhelming craving for Sarn swamps me.
“I need your help,” she pleads.
I’m so shaken up I can’t speak.
“It’s Sarn. He will not attend the claiming. He’s chosen to die.”
My legs fall from under me and if my father wasn’t there, I’d be a crumbled mess on the floor. I’ve suffered so much, and Sarn cannot do this or it’s all for nothing.
“You need to leave,” I hear my father say as he begins carrying me from the room.
“No,” I say as I start struggling. “Let me go, please” My father releases my legs and stares deep into my eyes. “I’m okay. You must allow me to speak with her.” I’m not really asking. I turn to Roxanne. “What can I do?”
“You need to come with me to his lair and convince him to attend the claiming.”
My knees go weak again. I remember what the witches told me and I don’t tell her I will die if I go into Sarn’s realm. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Sarn survives. “When do we leave?”
She somehow knows what the witches told me. “If he attends the claiming, you can return here and be safe. Your life is only forfeit if you are in the dragon realm and Sarn refuses.”
“No,” my father shouts. “You are not going.” He takes my arm and holds me tight.
I shake my head understanding how he must feel. I look into my father’s eyes and see his fear reflected. This man who lost so much and finally found a way out of the hell of losing a mate. “I love him. I cannot live knowing he dies without me. If he refuses to go, we shall die together.” I lean forward and kiss his cheek. “You cannot stop me, but you can hold me and kiss me goodbye.”
My father is alpha and his power rolls over me. It doesn’t press into me; it surrounds me and lightens my heart. He understands and he’s giving me this gift. A sense of calm washes over me and I smile at my father.
“Thank you,” I say.
“Don’t do this,” my brother pleads.
I look between him and Derrick. “I’ve never wanted anything for you but your happiness. Please grant me this.”
His head drops and Derrick places his arms around my brother. My goodbyes are quick after that. Now I’m fully dressed and flying on a crazy female dragon with a death wish. She’s breaking all the rules of the realm with no care that the U.S. military might shoot us down. “Hold on,” she yells into my head.
A fighter plane comes out of nowhere as Roxy, as she asked me to call her, rolls to her side and takes us between two tall buildings. “We’re doing this all the way to Arizona?” I question softly into her mind because her yelling has given me a headache.
She replies in a slightly softer voice. “No, there’s a vortex close to here. It’s where I crossed.”
“I thought the only one was in Arizona.”
“And we will keep it that way. Dragons must keep some secrets from Dmitri.”
I laugh for the first time since she arrived.
She dives low before coming up. She at least has a saddle and I can hold on as she pulls these death-defying maneuvers. “This is going to hurt. Are you ready?”
I’m so ready. “Do I have a choice?” I ask with humor I’m not really feeling. I want Sarn and there is nothing on earth that will keep me from him.
“Bend low over my back and hold on.”
We hit the realm barrier. This isn’t pain; it’s heart-stopping agony. I can’t breathe or speak. I think I’ve died and then we are on the other side and I’m slumped in the saddle.
“Are you with me?” Roxy yells into my mind again. At least her loud voice brings me fully alert.
“Is there a reason we had to bust through so fast? Sarn told me it can be gently done.” I’m gasping for breath and disoriented. Sarn’s explanation on realms is actually only a faint memory. At one point during the two months we spent together, he spoke of bringing me to his lair. I only remembered the conversation as my oxygen-starved brain began to panic as I crossed out of earth’s realm.
“The earth and dragon realms keep time in different ways. And that way changes regularly. It could be hours or days since I left. We must hurry.”
Her words shake the rest of the fuzz from my brain. “Fly like the wind, dragon.”
Chapter Fourteen
Sarn
Even after twenty-four years, life would be easier with alcohol. If I can say one good thing about my miserable existence, it’s that I haven’t had a drink in all these years. Anger, desolation, guilt, and hatred are my drug. They fuel me to remain an empty man, barely a dragon at all. In the past few years I’ve rarely left this crumbled mess I call my castle. I don’t wish to spread my wings. I just want death. And now I will accomplish what my heart desires most.
I’m not claiming a bride.
The curse can take my worthless life and be done with it. While the excitement of claiming usually begins to build in the immediate years before the ceremony, these years have been the worst for me. I only fly out when the need for food forces me to hunt. I haven’t seen a single person or dragon in ten years. Well, except a few weeks ago when Bastian came. I barely remember the threat that I made so many years before about considering dragons my enemy and Bastian gave no sign that he cared. I said little to him during his visit and only half listened to his boring diatribe. He said something about forgiving myself, but that will never happen. The last thing I told him before he left was that I wasn’t attending the claiming.
If my death is as painful as I expect it to be, it won’t come close to overshadowing all the years spent without Sierra. I’m done. The curse can take me. Nothing can be a greater hell than the one I’ve suffered. And once I reached this decision, my life actually became more bearable. Fighting the need to go to the claiming was much easier than I thought it would be.
In a fit of energy the day before, I’d bathed. At one time water flowed freely in pipes throughout most of the castle. I actually laughed aloud when I turned the ornate gold fixture at the tub in my bathing chamber and nothing came out. Irony at its best. I knew I smelled worse than death so I hauled cold water up the stairs from the old human quarters and filled the tub myself. Up until this point I’d soaked occasionally in the lake but it never helped much. With a surprising determination to feel clean, I found soap and scrubbed myself raw and washed my overly long hair too. It took an hour to remove the tangles while thoughts of Sierra swamped me. Her soft skin and scent while she worked the comb through my hair. The brush of her body against my naked flesh and the calming sound of her voice. Usually I pushed thoughts of her away, but now she’s all I want on my mind. She loved me and I will always love her.
In another fit of energy, I cleaned my bedroom. The sheets on my bed hadn’t been replaced in ages. Not since I ran out of the mountains of clean ones. So I performed the task of washing and drying some linen that hadn’t been eaten by mice. It gave me a finer appreciation of the tasks my servants performed for me. I actually missed them and not because they served me. I miss the never-ending bustle in the servant’s wing of the castle. I remember going there and enjoying a piece of sweetbread on occasion. Their human presence brought comfort between brides when time
s were bad. Sending them away was the right thing to do, though, and I know they’re happier. If I’d hurt one of them during my many rages, it would have been another stain on my soul that I’d carry to hell. I don’t need more.
Over the years, I’d destroyed most of the gold and jewels in my room. With my newfound enthusiasm, I gathered everything and cleared it all out. I hunted the castle until I found treasures that I’d somehow missed in my tantrums. I polished each piece until its beauty gleamed. They now decorated my bedroom, which was the only livable space within the castle.
My death chamber.
I stare up at the newly cleaned ceiling as a sense of peace settles over me. I will die here tomorrow and escape this never-ending pain. The true punishment was waiting twenty-four years to do it. Maybe a last flight tonight and a last meal. Or maybe I’ll just lie here and think of the happy times with Sierra.
A ripple of energy crosses over my skin and I know dragons breach my realm. Not one, all of them. I’m not angry. I need to say goodbye and to beg forgiveness one last time. Laryn and his mate are with them. I owe him so much. He will either accept my apology or he won’t. It matters not because I will die without my own forgiveness.
I stand from the bed, pull on a shirt and pants that I also washed and dried, and walk out on the large perch outside my window. It’s early in the day and sun flashes off the silver of Tahr’s wings. His bride, Meagan, is surely dead now and grief will be eating away at him. I can only hope the Goddess will allow him to find his true mate with his next bride. He has suffered enough.
Five dragons. The sight amazes me. Two red, two blue, and Tahr’s silver. Ashrac is not with them and I feel bad that I cannot ask him to forgive me too. He’d be a teenager now and an even bigger handful for his parents. A smile curves my lips before it drifts away.
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