by Harley Byrne
employers in Manchester, 2012. I have been tortured in cultures you’ve never even heard of. I have been poisoned more times than you’ve had hot dinners. I’ve escaped from dungeons so strange and exotic you wouldn’t be able to imagine them even if I took you there. So if I presume to know what I’m doing in this extreme survival situation of ours, you’ll forgive me if that’s based on a little thing called experience.
BATT. I didn’t know that. Please excuse my ignorance. Wow, what a life! It’s… fascinating.
BYRNE. Actually, hour for hour, I spend more time on the brink of death than I do on the toilet.
BATT. Right. I didn’t know.
BYRNE. And, interestingly, more time tied up or chained than waving.
BATT. That’s an interesting statistic. I didn’t know.
BYRNE. And I spend a lot of time waving. On account of all this coming and going.
BATT. I can see the sense in that, yes. It does make the statistic more profound. Mr Byrne - train me to be like you. The recording and the surviving, being a great man. I would acknowledge your experience and technical who’s-it, and perhaps bring the odd new idea to the table – fresh eyes and all that - and if you can explain why my idea doesn’t work, I’ll respect that and go on learning. Call it an apprenticeship.
BYRNE. Really this is supposed to be my holiday.
NADIA. Wait! Where’s daddy?
BYRNE. He’s gone!
NADIA. Yes, that’s what I mean!
BYRNE. He must have been kidnapped!
BATT. Or rescued.
BYRNE. Barnard, kidnapped!
BATT. Or rescued.
BYRNE. We must rescue him!
BATT. Back into certain death?
BYRNE. Please stop confusing the issue, dear.
BATT. I’m glad we had our little talk.
BYRNE. Me too. Oh right, I see - sarcasm. Let’s vote shall we? All who think Barnard has been kidnapped, and not rescued, and would like to rescue him, raise your – eyebrow.
BYRNE and NADIA raise their eyebrows.
BATT. Life’s so easy for you girls with your YouTube and your slutwalks.
NADIA. Who are you calling a slut?
BATT. I didn’t-
BYRNE. That’s decided then.
BATT. Right. Let’s go.
BYRNE. Yes! Ah. Tell me, Batt, how would you proceed in a situation like this?
BATT. The issue, as I see it, is the ropes.
BYRNE. I see.
BATT. Specifically –
JESUS re-enters, brandishing his hitting log.
BYRNE. Who’s that?
BATT. I don’t know.
JESUS steadies himself in front of BYRNE and prepares to swing the log at him.
BYRNE. What’s he doing?
BATT. Best guess-
JESUS knocks BYRNE out.
You get the idea.
Lights out.
Scene Six
Spotlight on BYRNE as he wakes up.
BYRNE. I know this feeling.
Lights up. BYRNE is still bound, but now he is inside the body of an old, overgrown plane wreck. The others are not tied. They eat aeroplane meals.
JESUS. Good morning, my son.
BYRNE. Where the-? Who the-? What are they eating? Come here, you!
BATT. I knew this would happen. That’s why I suggested Jesus leave you tied up until he could explain things.
BYRNE. Jesús? What is that, Mexican?
BARNARD. We have been saved, Byrne. In more than one way.
BATT. Let Jesus explain. Byrne can decide for himself.
JESUS tries to fork some food into BYRNE’s mouth. BYRNE closes it tight.
BYRNE. I never let another man feed me.
JESUS. Fine. You try and help someone…
JESUS puts the tray on the floor. BYRNE’s gaze keeps coming back to it.
BYRNE. Explain the thing. And then untie me.
JESUS. Right-
BARNARD. This is brilliant.
JESUS glares at him.
JESUS. I have learned, from your friends, Harley Byrne, that you are a man of science. What I have to tell you, you may have trouble believing, so I just ask that you have a little faith.
BARNARD. Tell him! Tell him!
JESUS. You have heard that my Christian name is Jesus. Now. My surname – is Christ.
BYRNE is gazing at the aeroplane meal.
BYRNE. Pleased to – Harley Byrne.
JESUS. That’s Jesus… Christ.
BYRNE. Oh yes. Like the – son of God.
JESUS. Exactly.
BYRNE. A good biblical name.
JESUS. Okay: I haven’t been named after a character from the bible. I am a character from the bible.
BYRNE. Erm.
BARNARD. He’s Jesus!
BYRNE. Oh. Look, I’ve been around, as you know, but I’ve not spent an awful lot of time in Christ-era Galilee. The whole – existence of Jesus thing – is not something I ever verified, first hand as such.
JESUS. Well, I have, and I am.
BYRNE. You would say that, though, wouldn’t you? You have to understand, I’ve seen a lot of imposters over the years, and to me you just look like a another native. Slightly handsomer than the others, perhaps. Sex appeal. But I’m going to need a bit more, is all.
JESUS. Let me tell you my story.
BYRNE. Short version?
JESUS. If you like.
JESUS discreetly unties BYRNE as he talks.
JESUS. So you probably know the beginning. The Virgin Mary. That’s my first mum. Herod. Woodwork. Forty days and nights. Dinner with the guys. Executed. Came back. Rose off. It’s all in the film.
BYRNE absently uses his free hands to begin eating.
Now. In the early ‘80s-
BYRNE. Hold on!
JESUS. Sorry. Early nineteen-80s. A.D. My father – that’s God in other words – wanted to send me back to Earth to help defeat all the greed and nastiness of the Thatcher/Reagan era. But – short version - he put me in the wrong virgin, didn’t he, and I’ve been stuck here on this island for thirty years and these people are really lovely. There’s nothing to fix!
BYRNE. He put you in the wrong virgin?
JESUS. This isn’t His only planet, you know. I’m not His only son. I’m not even His only breed.
BYRNE. So what have you been doing on this island for three decades?
JESUS. Waiting – for you! And a bit of woodwork. Did you see Jonathan’s gazebo yet? I did that.
BATT. It’s really lovely. He took us to see it while you were asleep.
BYRNE. I wasn’t asleep. I was unconscious.
BATT. Obviously we couldn’t get close – but you could tell it was lovely.
BARNARD. I’ve asked Jesus if he’ll do one for me back in Virginia.
JESUS. Look, I’ve said I’ll think about it. Can I tell my story?
BARNARD. Sorry, sir.
JESUS. Where even was I?
BYRNE. Something about the people.
JESUS. Yes. The islanders are just too wonderful. Too lovely. There’s no work to be done here. Except, they have just one flaw.
BARNARD. This is a kicker.
JESUS. They worship a false god.
BARNARD. Jonathan!
BYRNE. Don’t you have a rule about that?
JESUS. Yes! It’s one of the main ones. They mustn’t do it!
BYRNE. But how do we know he’s the false god? Maybe you’re the false god.
JESUS. That’s sort of where the faith comes in. But look around you.
BYRNE. An aeroplane! But… this isn’t our plane. This is an old British postal service plane!
JESUS. Bingo. Twenty-five years ago, when I were just a lad, one hot summers day around this time of year, this lump of metal fell from the sky. We didn’t see where it landed, but we found Jonathan on the beach. We were just about to eat him all up when he convinced our leader, a gullible old fool with a small appetite, that he had come to us as the son of sky gods.
BYRNE (shruggi
ng). That’s what he told us.
JESUS. We took Jonathan back to the village, and in the night our leader was killed.
BARNARD. Murderer!
JESUS. No. As it happens, he wandered off in the night and was set upon by a grumpy turtle. Such are the dangers of island life. Jonathan immediately took control as our god and our leader.
BARNARD. State and church. Good coup.
BYRNE. Haven’t you already heard all this?
BARNARD. But it’s a great story. And I’m really excited to be this close to the big man. Jesus. Jesus Christ.
JESUS. Please try to settle. Now. Cue anyone?
BARNARD. God and leader.
JESUS. Thank you. Now shut up. Jonathan immediately took control as our god and leader. The next day he produced gifts, and tinsel and baubles, seemingly from nowhere. We thought it was magic, and we had a big party. He wrote a song that commemorated his arrival on the island, and we sing it every year. With the tinsel. But the next morning, while the grown-ups were sleeping off the nectar of the gods – which I was soon to discover was in fact Archers watered down with coconut water – I found his aeroplane in the woods. It was full of literature – tiny two-page pamphlets proclaiming the existence of the real Christmas – my Christmas! These he would soon burn in private. Meanwhile there were gifts bound for distant lands, and Blu-Tack in the cockpit betrayed the origins of all the tinsel and baubles. I knew if I denounced Jonathan to the village, they would eat me as a non-believer, so I kept this plane a secret. As the years went by, Jonathan had soon given out all the gifts, and the custom slowly changed so that rather than receive them, we’d give the gifts back to him again and again each year. Nobody minded. We don’t need desk toys. We don’t have desks. But now he has all the stuff. And if they keep on worshipping him, my people are going to hell.
BARNARD. So hell is definitely-
JESUS. It’s there alright. So buck up.
BARNARD. I am, I mean, I will.
JESUS. Anyway that’s where you chaps come in. Let’s make a deal. You want to get home, don’t you?
BYRNE. Yes!
The others grumble, non-committal.
JESUS. You’ve seen that I have your best interests at heart. I rescued you from Jonathan and I untied you and put food
