by K. M. Scott
Turning her to face me, I shook my head in disbelief. We weren’t over. I wouldn’t let it happen. She fixed her eyes on my chest, refusing to look up at me, and I watched in sadness as she forced herself to not show any emotion at all.
“No, I’m not going. You run, and I chase. It doesn’t matter how far you run. I’m going to be right there chasing you. I promised you I’d never stop, and I’m not. We’re going to get past this, even if it means I have to chase you around the world.”
For a moment, I saw the sadness return to her eyes before she closed them and in a small voice said, “I don’t want you to chase me anymore. Whatever we were is over. I want you to leave.”
Her words landed harder than any hit I’d ever taken from a defensive end hell bent on leveling me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like someone had put a five hundred pound weight on my chest and was pushing down on it. I couldn’t let this be the end. I had to change her mind.
Dropping to my knees, I looked up at her working so hard to keep the hurt she felt hidden. It tore my heart out that I had any part in it, and I needed to prove to her I’d fix this.
“Tressa, don’t do this. I’ll find out what this is all about tomorrow and then I’ll make sure the truth gets out. I never cheated on you. I don’t know what Eden’s up to, but I swear to God I wasn’t with her any time since we met. There hasn’t been another woman since the night I laid eyes on you. Please believe me.”
After what felt like an eternity staring up at her and waiting for any sign she’d heard what I said and was still willing to listen, she opened her eyes and looked down at me. The sadness and hurt was gone, and in their place I saw nothing in her deep brown eyes.
No caring about all we had together. No love for me. Nothing.
“What I believe has nothing to do with this. I want you to leave.”
“Tressa, don’t do this. I know you love me like I love you. Don’t let something like this ruin what we have.”
I needed her to talk to me. If I could get her to talk, she’d see we could get past this. I’d be able to make her smile like I always did and we’d be okay. I just needed to get her to talk to me.
But she kept saying those horrible words. I want you to leave.
Standing up, I took her face in my hands and pleaded with her. “Tell me you believe me. Tell me you trust me.”
“Whatever I felt is gone, Killian. It left when I saw those pictures. I want you to leave and never come back. Don’t send me flowers or bribe the security guard to let you up here. Don’t leak something to the press to prove how much you love me. Just leave me alone.”
Her words made the weight that felt like it was on my chest disappear, and all of a sudden, my entire body felt like it had been hollowed out. The emptiness of not having her in my life anymore felt instantly unbearable.
“I didn’t do this. Please believe me. I wouldn’t do this to us. I love you, Tressa. You know that. You run. I chase. I told you I’d never stop chasing you. I won’t let this happen. You love me. Don’t do this.”
For a second, it felt like time stopped as I waited to hear if my pleas had worked. She had to believe me. She ran, and I chased. That’s who we were. I accepted it and loved being the man willing to do anything to show her how much she was loved. I never doubted her feelings for me, so how could she doubt mine for her?
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said in that emotionless voice that hurt like knives plunging into my heart, “We’re finished. Go find another woman to charm, Killian. There are millions out there, so you won’t be alone for long.”
Then she turned to walk away, leaving me standing there watching as she cut me out of her life like some part she no longer wanted. I couldn’t bear the thought of that, so I grabbed her by the arm to keep her there, to keep her talking so I still had the chance to get through to her.
“We can’t be finished. What we feel for one another isn’t some passing bullshit like others have that can be thrown away like this. We make each other happy, Tressa. I love you. Why won’t you admit that and believe I’d never risk losing you. You run. I chase.”
Suddenly, she spun around and pushed as hard as she could on my chest. It didn’t move me an inch because she was so much smaller, but she kept trying over and over to push me away when I refused to let her.
“Stop saying that! Stop saying I run and you chase. How could you, Killian? How could you do this to us? Do you deny that’s you in those pictures? I know every inch of your body as well as you do, and I know those are your legs wrapped up in hers. I know those are your hands holding her. Touching her skin. Pulling her to you like you do with me.”
Tressa stopped and drew a sharp breath in as her angry words hung in the air between us. I couldn’t deny any of her accusations, even though I hadn’t been with Eden for nearly a year.
“I don’t know where those pictures came from or how they made it look like I’m in them with her, but I swear to you on my life I didn’t sleep with her. I wouldn’t do that to you, Tressa.”
“So you want me to believe one of your ex-girlfriends who lives in the very city where you traveled to at the exact time she claims you slept together is making all of this up? Why? What reason would she have to do that, Killian?”
“I don’t know. Eden and I weren’t serious like you and I are. We dated for a few months after friends set us up. I stopped seeing her long before you and I even met. I haven’t talked to her since we ended it last February. I don’t know why she’d lie like this, but I didn’t do this. I swear.”
As tears began to roll down her cheeks, Tressa pushed on my chest and sobbed, “You’re full of I don’t knows, aren’t you? I trusted you, even though I broke every rule that kept me safe to believe we could work. I changed for you. I went to those events that terrify me more than you can ever understand because I wanted to be there for you, to make you happy. And the best you can give me after all we’ve been through is I don’t know?”
I felt her slipping away right before my eyes. I grabbed her hands and held her there, knowing I could change this if I just kept her talking. She’d see that I couldn’t do this to her. She’d smile at something I said, and I’d get that chance to convince her to let me prove to her this was all a horrible mistake.
“I know I love you more than anything else in this world. I know you love me. I know how much you hated those events and still did them because of how much you love me and how you held my hand so tightly that your fingers cramped because you were scared and needed to feel me there next to you. I know you’re not the kind of woman who trusts easily, but you gave me that gift of your trust and I cherish it. I know those pictures hurt you, and I would do anything to erase that pain from your mind. But most of all I know you want to run now, baby, and I don’t blame you. It’s who you are, and I love you even for that. But you run, and I chase. I promised you I’d never stop, and I’m not going to.”
She yanked her hands away from my hold and shook her head as tears flowed down her face. “Stop saying that! That meant the world to me, and you took it away. You ripped it away, and now you want me to keep believing in you. Stop!”
“Tressa, I didn’t take it away. I love you and that means if you run, I chase. I never stopped. Right now, as you’re running away even as we’re standing not two feet away from one another, I’m chasing as hard as I can because that’s what I do as the man who loves you.”
“You chased someone else, Killian. You chased her all the way to her bed. I can’t get over that. You need to go and don’t come back.”
Right there was the truth I couldn’t stop her from believing. I hadn’t been with Eden, but until I found out what was going on with her and those pictures, I’d never be able to convince Tressa that I hadn’t betrayed her.
I felt the space between us grow by the second as I stood there watching her cry because of me. My arms ached to hold her, to make her know that the man she loved would fix this and make things better.
But I
couldn’t reach her, even as she stood close enough for me to touch her. It felt like a unique kind of torture I could only feel with Tressa.
“I won’t give up on us. Please don’t give up either. I’m going to find out what’s going on and who did this. I promise. I don’t care how far you run, Tressa. I won’t give up on us.”
She didn’t say a word as I walked away from her, my heart breaking with every step. But I’d be back.
Tressa ran, and I chased. And I had no intention of giving her up to her fears.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tressa
The images in those pictures flashed over and over in my brain, each time hurting more than the last. All I wanted to do was forget. Forget what I saw in those pictures. Forget what happened. Forget Killian.
And I couldn’t do any of that. I especially couldn’t forget him.
I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to do that. I’d let down all my defenses for Killian, and now I lay there bare and more vulnerable than I’d ever felt in my life. I didn’t know if I should feel stupid or hurt or which was worse.
Stupid stung because I’d promised myself I’d never give so much of me that losing a man would devastate me. Now I was nothing less than that. Devastated and lost without him.
Hurt made me cry at how much I loved him and how hard it was to tell him to go away. My body ached from how much I hurt that I didn’t know if I’d ever feel good again. As I lay there in bed hidden under the covers, I couldn’t imagine how any good would sneak into me without Killian there by my side.
I lifted the pillow off my head and ran my hand over where he slept every time he stayed there with me all those months. Pulling his pillow to my face, I inhaled in the hope of still being able to smell him. The faint scent of the man I loved still lingered on the cotton pillowcase, and the memory of the last time I saw him lying there when I awoke came rushing back into my brain.
His eyes closed and his dark lashes resting on his cheeks, he’d held me as I fell asleep in his arms, my head on his chest and my ear pressed to the place above his heart so I could listen to its steady beat lulling me to sleep. I’d gotten used to feeling that stability and strength from him, and now that it was gone, I realized how much I needed it as every moment that passed by I felt like my world was crashing down around me and there was no one to protect me.
I didn’t want to cry any more. I couldn’t understand how I could still have tears left inside me after the hours I’d spent sobbing. But now as I thought about the first day of my life without him, all I wanted to do was cry. I missed him more than I could bear, and all that lay before me in the minutes and hours until I could cry myself to sleep tonight appeared empty without him by my side.
My phone rang for the third time that hour, but I didn’t bother to see who it was. Boyd had everything under control at work, so whoever it was calling didn’t need me. In truth, they didn’t want me in the state I was in. Even if an emergency came up, my assistant could handle it better than I could right now.
I took another deep breath in and smiled even as my eyes filled with tears once more. Part of me loved that I could still smell Killian on my sheets. It made me feel like he was still in my life. But another part of me wanted nothing more than to bleach out the scent of him so I would never experience it and all the memories that came with it again.
Everything in the penthouse reminded me of him. The bed we shared. The couch where we spent hours lying in each other’s arms watching films on release days instead of going out to see them. I knew he probably would have preferred going to the movies to see them sometimes, but he never once suggested it. The tub where he’d run me a bubble bath when he saw I’d had a hard day and slide in behind me to wrap his arms around my shoulders so I had someone to lean on when things got rough at work.
There wasn’t an inch of my home that didn’t remind me of how happy I was with Killian. Now all those parts of the penthouse haunted me with those memories.
As I lay there, I heard a knock at my door. I didn’t want to see anyone feeling like I did. Pulling the pillow back over my head, I silently begged whoever it was to leave. Five minutes later, they still insisted on intruding on my misery, so I dragged myself from the bed and slowly made my way to the front door, even as they continued to bang on it.
Stopping to peer out the peephole, I closed my eyes and prayed, “Please, don’t let it be him, God. Anyone else in the world but him. I can’t do it. I can’t see him and tell him to leave me alone again. I don’t have the strength.”
I opened my eyes and looked out. Standing there was Summer wearing an expression filled with worry. She’d seen the story of Killian and that woman on TV or in the news, no doubt.
Even though I didn’t think I could do this, I knew she wouldn’t give up. She’d stand out there knocking for hours, if she had to, so better to get it over with sooner than later and not have to listen to that damn knocking for any longer.
I slowly opened the door and looked out at her. “What’s up? I’m sick. I think I caught a bug.”
Not a single word of that sounded like it could convince a complete stranger, much less the one person outside my family and Killian who knew me best in the world. Summer shook her head and frowned, blowing up my lie without saying a thing.
“Well, come in because I know you want to anyway. Come in and see me at my worst,” I said as I stepped back to let her walk past me.
Before I closed the door, I looked out in the hallway, half hoping Killian stood there waiting for me. I knew that was stupid and self-defeating after what had happened, but old habits died hard, and feelings took even longer to fade away. No matter how much I wished I could forget him, one day wasn’t enough.
I didn’t know if one lifetime would be enough.
“I came by to see if you needed anything,” Summer said in a soft voice like a social worker would use.
“Thanks, but I’m fine.”
She held up a paper bag and pulled out a white container. “I brought ice cream. Whenever things go to hell with my romantic life, I find bingeing on ice cream makes me feel better.”
“I’ll get the spoons.”
I returned to the living room to find her sitting on the couch with not one but two containers of ice cream waiting for us on the coffee table. Confused, I handed her a spoon and asked, “Why are you having any? Did something happen with my brother?”
Summer shook her head. “Friends don’t let friends overeat ice cream because their love life has gone to shit alone.”
I sat down beside her and tried to smile at her lame attempt at a joke. She and Killian were alike that way. Whenever I was down, they always tried to make me feel better.
“Thanks, Summer.”
“It’s what friends do, Tress. I was there the moment you met him. It’s only right I’m here with the ice cream to drown your sorrows in now. I’ve got Death By Chocolate and Rockiest Road. You choose.”
I reached for the quart of ice cream on the table directly in front of me and popped the top off. “Those two names alone tell me my life has gone to hell. Death By Chocolate it is.”
Leaning forward, she took the other container and we plunged our spoons into the delicious dessert. I hadn’t eaten anything all day, so as soon as the sugary chocolate taste hit my tongue, my body perked up like someone had given me a shot of caffeine.
“Wow, this stuff is good, but I don’t think it’s just chocolate. What’s in this?” I asked as I ate my second spoonful of ice cream.
“I think it has espresso in it too. Watch you don’t eat too fast or you’ll give yourself brain freeze.”
Dipping my spoon into the container a third time, I dug out a huge mound of ice cream and stuffed it into my face. Seconds later, the brain freeze Summer warned me about hit, and I scrambled to push my tongue up against the roof of my mouth to end it. The trick I’d heard all my life didn’t work, and I dropped the spoon onto the table to writhe in pain from the worst headache I’d had in years.
“Why’d you go so fast? I warned you. Brain freeze is a real thing.”
I sat hunched over as my headache slowly subsided, leaving me less interested in bingeing on ice cream and as sad as before. Covering my face with my hands, I admitted the truth to Summer as I began to cry again.
“I really loved him,” I said quietly.
She put her ice cream and spoon on the table and pulled me into an embrace as I began to sob. “Oh, I know, honey. And if it helps any, he obviously loved you too.”
That didn’t help because it only made me wonder why he’d gone with her when he had me. As my body shook from crying, she held me close and let me get it all out.
“Why would he do this, Summer? I loved him. Did he need more? Was I not enough? Did he want someone who adored him like a fan? What did she give him that I didn’t?”
Every question that popped into my mind made me feel worse. That last one really hurt. Was she more beautiful? Is that why he was willing to throw away all we had to be with her? Did she have something I didn’t that made him happier?
“Don’t think like that,” Summer said as she rubbed my back. “I’m not even sure men can explain the stupid things they do. You did nothing wrong, Tressa. You loved him. This mistake is on Killian, not you.”
I sat up and pushed my hair off my face. Sniffling, I shook my head and wiped the tears from my eyes. “I can’t help think like that. He obviously found something in her that he didn’t find in me. That’s why men cheat. It’s rather simple, actually. We just make it more because we want to make ourselves feel better.”
“Did he say anything when you confronted him about it? Did he have any excuse? Not that there is an excuse, but did he have anything to say in his defense?”
“I didn’t really confront him. I know that must sound surprising, but as soon as I saw the pictures, I ran out of the Manhattan Room where we were at for that party to celebrate the magazine cover he’s on. He came here looking for me right after I got back, and he was full of loving words. He loves me. He would never hurt me. All of that. But he never admitted to cheating on me. He tried to get me to believe it was some mistake, but I know it’s him in those pictures.”
