"Hard limits?"
"Things I wouldn't do, not for anything. Do you want to hear them?"
"Tell me."
"No unsafe sex. I am clean. You don't need to worry. I'll show you the test results. I am faithful about being tested, more often than I need to be, but I had real reason to worry. No sounding. You saw the picture, with the rod. It's supposed to feel good, but it hurt.” He shuddered. “No canes. No blood play.” He turned the pages and Connor gasped to see Kevin covered with blood. “He broke that one as well. He also made a cut in my leg deep enough that he had to call an ambulance. I almost bled to death. That was the second time he put me in the hospital. The third time was for a serious concussion. I hit my head on a table. And the last time...” He flipped several more pages. “That's what I looked like when he was finished with me.” The last few pictures showed him in the hospital, pale and thin, his face so battered it was barely recognizable.
"He ruptured my spleen, broke three ribs. I had lacerations deep enough to need stitches. There were other injuries. Things that didn't require surgery but took time to heal.” He closed the album and let it slide to the floor where it fell with a heavy thud. He sat with his hands folded in his lap, eyes downcast for a long time. “Do you think I'm hideous now?"
"No, Kevin. I think you're wonderful.” Connor touched his cheek and drew his gaze upward so he could look into those stormy eyes. “And very brave."
"You think so?"
"Yes, I do.” They stared at each other for several minutes before their lips met for a gentle kiss. It was soft and sweet, and it sent a jolt of electricity surging through Connor. When he pulled away, he knew he was falling for Kevin, falling very hard. He couldn't back away now if he tried, and he didn't want to.
Kevin's eyes hadn't lightened, and he left the bed to return the album to its place inside the closet. He shut the door and turned around, leaning against the closet. Connor could taste the fear rolling off of him. “Tell me why you want me.” The words seemed so strange now. He thought Kevin understood.
"What?” The question caught Connor so off guard he couldn't speak. His mouth worked before he managed to say anything. “Why would you—"
"Please.” Kevin's tone had a desperate note to it now. “Tell me why, Connor. You are built, beautiful and blond. You could have any man you wanted. You could walk into any club here and have a dozen men panting for you. Why do you want me? I can barely spend a night alone, did you know that? I'm terrified to be alone in my own apartment. I cringe when the phone rings. Josh calls here. He has a knack of knowing when I'm alone, and he'll call and beg me to come home. I've had my phone number changed three times, and somehow he always ends up with it. I'm afraid to go to a club with a group of friends. I'm afraid he'll be there. I'm hardly what I'd call built. I do the same dance warm-ups and exercises I've done for years. It keeps me in shape, not built. I don't exude sex appeal. I just showed you pictures that should have disgusted you, and instead you tell me how wonderful and brave I am. Why do you want me?"
Kevin crossed his arms over his chest and waited while Connor tried to find something to say.
"You're intelligent and witty and clever and..."
Kevin shook his head, and Connor saw tears in his eyes. “Don't be wonderful. I want the truth. I show you what happened to me, and you are wonderful and compassionate about it. I've had people tell me I was sick and deranged because of the games I liked to play. I've been chastised for staying with him when he abused me, and I know it was abuse, Connor. I'm not a fool.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “I've had people tell me I was stupid for staying, but I loved him. He kept promising each time was the last, and I kept believing him. Don't you think me a fool? Why would you want me? Please, tell me why."
Connor knew he must have looked ridiculous with his mouth hanging open, but he couldn't help it. “Kevin..."
"Tell me why!” Kevin's confusion dissolved into anger. His eyes were black now. “I won't go through that again. I won't let someone treat me like that ever again. Do you want to hear what else he did to me?"
Connor shook his head. He didn't want to hear. He knew Kevin would tell him the dark things Nicki had hinted at, and he didn't know how he would handle that. His heart pounded hard and fast.
"You aren't being so wonderful now, Connor.” Kevin advanced a step. “He forced me to have sex when I didn't want it.” His voice trembled. “He forced me to service his friends. He let his friends use me, and he wasn't considerate enough to make them use condoms, although he always used one. One of his friends has HIV. He told me he'd let him fuck me until I had it if I didn't behave. Do you want me to go on?"
Connor swallowed hard. “No."
"Then tell me why you're still sitting there. Tell me why you haven't run screaming into the street. My last boyfriend did. When I wouldn't have sex with him, he cheated, and when he found out why I wouldn't sleep with him, he left. I want to know why you stay."
Connor closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. The anger he felt wasn't at Kevin. It was at the monster that'd broken him. “Did you show me those pictures for the reasons you said or because you wanted to test me?"
Kevin was testing him, but he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to make Kevin believe him when he said he was drawn to him like he had never been drawn to anyone. “Do you think you are unworthy of being loved?"
"Both.” Kevin shrugged, and another tear slid down his cheek. “Why do you think I'm worthy of being loved? I don't. Maybe that's why I'm so good at pairing my friends off and I end up with some asshole who treats me like dirt. Josh wasn't the first, Connor, but he was the first who hit me.” Kevin took a deep breath. “My mother won't speak to me because I'm a faggot. The rest of my family avoids me because of the lifestyle I chose to lead. They think I'm sick and perverted. I saw my aunt a few months ago in the grocery store. She had one of her grandkids with her. When she saw me, she took the little girl's hand and left the store. Do you know how much that hurts? Can you understand that? My own mother doesn't think I'm worthy of her love, so why do you?"
Connor closed his eyes and bowed his head, wishing he could cry. He needed to answer Kevin, but he didn't have an answer. A part of him had been disgusted by what he'd seen, but not for the reasons Kevin thought. He was disgusted that someone had treated the wonderful man in front of him so badly. He still couldn't erase that image of Kevin so rapturous, bound to the cross. There had been something extraordinarily beautiful about that.
"I don't know how to answer you.” He met Kevin's eyes then. “I don't claim to understand. I can't understand. I've never lived that hell. You don't know how beautiful you really are, Kevin. When I saw you that day in the bookstore, you looked so damned sexy sitting there with your tongue poking out. I couldn't resist. I wanted to meet you, and then you ran away, and I saw that you had written that book you'd been reading. I can't tell you why. I just do. I feel drawn to you, and I can't put the feelings into words.” He hoped that was enough, but Kevin didn't seem quite satisfied.
Kevin's shoulders hitched. He was making an effort not to cry, and failing. “He isn't going to give up, Connor. It'll get worse now. Why would you want to put yourself in the middle of this?"
"Because I—"
"Don't!” Kevin backed up to the wall and slowly sank down it. “Don't tell me you love me."
Connor slid off the bed and scooted toward him. “But I could, Kevin. I could fall very hard for you. I swore I was done with love. I swore when my lover cast me off for someone younger that I wasn't going to do this again. I didn't need the ups and downs. I had my work. I had Thumper. I had family. I didn't need anyone else, but I do. I want someone to share my joys and sorrows with. And I met you. You're bright and beautiful and sexy and charming, and you're everything I could ever want. You have baggage. So do I. So does everyone. That doesn't mean you have to hide inside these walls and let life pass you by. What do I have to do to make you believe that?"
Kevin had lost hi
s fight on the tears he was holding at bay. “Stop being so wonderful and tell me the truth,” he whispered. He shoulders shook now, and his hands trembled when he wrapped them around his knees.
"All right.” Connor made sure he was close to Kevin, but that he wasn't quite touching him. “I'll admit. I'm shocked by the photos. I'm disgusted by them, but not for the reason you think."
"Why?"
"I'm disgusted because I don't understand how anyone could do that to you, and I don't understand how you could claim to love someone who treated you that way. That's not love, baby.” He reached out to brush a bit of hair out of Kevin's face.
"I know. I don't understand either."
"I'm disgusted that he cared for you so little and abused you so horribly. It doesn't matter that you liked those games. I've played games, too, Kevin, but I would never hurt you like that. You deserve better.” He wiped a tear away. “You said all of that was your past, and I respect that. Tastes change, and people change. I think you should go to the police. At the very least, they can talk to him. You have plenty of evidence. I would even wager you could still press charges for what he did to you. I think you should. You want to move on, and that's not going to happen as long as he's stalking you."
Kevin shook his head.
"What does it take to get you to do something? Does he have to show up here and beat you again? Would that change your mind? Or does he have to try to beat me senseless? He can try that. He knows where I live. Would that change your mind?"
"They won't do anything. I've tried.” Kevin squeezed his eyes shut. “I make you sick.” His shoulders shook again. “I'm glad to know that now, rather than after I start to feel something. I—"
"Look at me."
Kevin shook his head.
"Look at me.” He let more command creep into his voice this time, and Kevin did open his eyes. They were still dark, and now they were red and watery as well. Kevin's lower lip trembled.
"No, baby, no. You don't make me sick. I don't understand. You have to help me do that. I don't understand why you'd want to let someone tie you up and whip you, but if that picture of you, of your face, that expression of rapture is the reason, then it makes sense. You have to help me."
Kevin stared at him for a long time before he slowly unfolded himself and moved into Connor's arms. “Be patient with me.” Connor held him, even kissed the top of his head.
"I will be patient. I can wait as long as you need. I think we deserve a chance, don't you?” Kevin nodded. “Will you do something for me?"
"What?"
"Talk to the police. I don't want something to happen to you after I just found you. Please, Kevin."
"They won't do anything."
"Try again. You're scared. You're afraid to be alone in your own home, and that's wrong. You're supposed to feel safe at home. Please."
Kevin trembled, shaking like a leaf in high wind. “Will you go with me?"
He let out a deep breath. “If you want me to."
"Then I'll go, but only so you can understand that they won't do anything."
"You might be wrong.” He wasn't sure what test he'd just been given, but he seemed to have passed. Kevin was content just to be held, but Connor still reeled from the conversation, from the insight he now had into Kevin. They might have only known each other a little over a week, but Connor felt as if he'd known Kevin for years. Kevin needed help, real help, not the paltry sort Connor could offer. But first, Josh had to be stopped.
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Chapter Nine
Kevin was so afraid Connor was acting, playing with him, but right now, he was content with those strong arms around him. He never wanted to move. He wanted to stay in this position forever, safe in Connor's arms. He hadn't felt safe for a long time. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, but he wanted to weep, to cry and rage because he couldn't escape what had happened to him three years before.
Connor touched his hair. His lips brushed over his forehead, but Kevin didn't move, didn't speak, barely even breathed. He heard the front door open, heard Dave whistling as he came inside, but still he stayed in that same position, curled against Connor's larger frame.
"Kev, you home?"
He didn't answer, and he didn't move when Dave poked his head into the room.
"Are you all right, Kevin?"
"I'm not having a very good day."
Dave knelt beside him. “What happened, chico? You were happy this morning."
He shook his head, not even responding to the nickname. “Nothing."
He knew his roommate wasn't satisfied, but he didn't want to talk anymore. Dave stood and backed away. “Do you want a shower before the party? If not, I'm having one. You wouldn't believe what I was doing today."
"Party?"
"Your birthday party at Nicki's, remember?"
He winced, remembering the party now. “I don't feel like a party."
"Kevin..."
"Go ahead. I don't want the shower. I just want to stay here like this.” He turned his face into Connor's chest, breathing in his scent. He imagined the hurt in Dave's eyes, and no doubt Dave would call Nicki, and she would call him to find out what happened. He just wanted quiet. He wanted to feel safe, and even though he'd stopped Connor from saying it, he wanted to feel loved. Connor continued to hold him. The shaking had stopped, but still Kevin didn't move.
"You don't want to go to your party?” Fingers stroked through his hair, and Connor's deep voice rumbled in Kevin's ear and made him shiver.
"I didn't ask for a party.” He closed his eyes, relaxing against the larger man. “I don't want to go either. I don't want to move. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything but stay here like this."
Connor laughed, and Kevin tensed, waiting for a put down. “You're going to have to move. I'm starting to get a cramp in my thigh, and I think my ass has gone to sleep. I'm too old to sit on the floor like this."
He didn't want to, and he tried not to, but the laughter bubbled up. He sagged against Connor, laughing so hard tears ran down his cheeks. But the laughter soon dissolved into tears until he clutched handfuls of Connor's shirt and sobbed broken, aching sobs that made his body hurt.
He thought about his father. He'd warned him about Josh, and he wondered what he would say about Connor. All of the pent up fear he'd kept from everyone came out in the form of tears. He cried for all of the things that had been stolen from him—dignity, respect, safety—and he cried because he wanted to be able to give himself to the man who held him, and he couldn't.
The thought of sharing Connor's bed frightened him, but he wanted to make love to the man who had been so patient and caring. When the tears finally stopped, his head hurt and his nose was stuffy, but he felt much better. He pulled away from Connor and sat up, wiping at his eyes.
Dave watched him from the doorway. “Are you sure you're all right, chico?"
He nodded. “I think I will take a shower,” he said and stood, stiff and achy from sitting on the floor.
"The water's still hot."
He didn't look back at Connor. He just walked across the hall and shut the bathroom door, wondering if the man of his dreams would still be waiting for him when he was done. He stood in the shower and let the hot water beat against his skin until he relaxed. He had to work tomorrow. That would mean time away from Connor, away from everything. He could lose himself in his work. He could write programs and watch security scans and forget everything for a little while. He'd skip the reading group tomorrow. He'd stay home, call Devon. Devon would help him. Maybe Keith could stay with him.
When he finished the shower, he stared at himself in the mirror, just like he did every morning, and picked out the scars. He wanted to find the playfulness he'd had earlier, but it wouldn't come. Seeing the collar and looking at the pictures had left him drained. All he wanted now was to crawl into bed and sleep.
Connor wasn't in his room when he left the bathroom. He dressed in jeans and his favorite swea
tshirt, a faded gray that matched his mood. He ran his fingers through his hair, not bothering to comb it. Voices from the other room made him pause.
"What did you do to him?” Dave asked, his voice filled with anger.
Kevin leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. The last place he wanted to go was to his party.
"I didn't do a thing to him."
"He's been getting better, and then you come along with your GQ good looks and—"
"He's not gotten better, and you know it. I think that breakdown was a good thing.” He imagined Connor running his hands over his face. “He's been packing all of these feelings around for years, and he's not shared them with anyone. But now...” Connor didn't finish, and Kevin walked into the room, staring at the both of them with wary eyes.
"Kev, what's going on?"
"I'm fine."
"I didn't say—"
He squeezed his eyes shut. “Josh sent me some presents, that's all. I got my pictures, and he begged me to come back."
"Kevin, you wouldn't think of...” Dave's eyes were wide, suddenly afraid.
"I'm not going back there. He's begged before.” He pulled a stack of letters from the basket on the counter and let them fall on the floor. “I still haven't gone back. I'm not going back just because he sent me something I wanted."
"God, Kevin...” Dave picked up the letters. “All this time?"
"I've changed my phone number. This is the second apartment I've had. He calls. He sends letters. He begs. I never see him. He's careful that he's never close enough for me to see him. I'm not going back."
Connor studied him, and a little smile touched his lips.
Kevin returned it. “What time am I supposed to be there tonight?"
Reclaiming Love Page 11
