by Lilly Atlas
Laughter bubbled out of Alyssa as Roxie used the silly name Katie had given her favorite toy. Leave it to her best friend to get her laughing when seconds before she’d been about to bawl all over the place.
Why was she doing it today? She’d woken up with the sudden realization that she needed to do something drastic to move forward. “It’s time, Roxie. I need to do something to shake myself back into the world.”
“Okay,” Roxie said. “I get that, sweetie, but today? And alone? Again, I ask why you didn’t wait for your husband to come home?”
There wasn’t much Roxie didn’t know about her, but saying the words, “My husband isn’t coming home tonight,” just wasn’t possible.
Alyssa shrugged. “This is the hardest part for me. Being in here. Going through her things. Deciding what to keep and what to let go of. It’s like she’s dying all over again.” Despair swamped her, and she tried in vain to push the heartbreaking memories of her only child’s death away. “It’s just as hard for him. If we did this together, it would be a disaster. One giant messy grief fest. I need to do it without him.” She left out the part where things between her and Derek were not what they once were.
“I get that too. But you don’t need to do this alone.” She riffled around in the giant handbag that lived on her shoulder, held out her tattoo-covered arms, and presented a bottle. “You have me and Dom for support.”
Alyssa laughed again. “Dom? Are you for real? You’re telling me you brought a bottle of Dom Perignon?”
“Okay, no I didn’t. It’s a ten-dollar bottle of some hooch version of champagne. But where’s your imagination, chickie?”
Lost. Gone just about a year ago when her daughter finally succumbed to the cancer no child—or parent for that matter—should ever have to face. God, would it ever stop? Would she ever get to the point where a simple question didn’t make her spiral downward?
With a sigh, she tried her hardest not to drown in the heaviness of the past. “Why did you bring champagne?”
Roxie’s face grew serious. “Because my goddaughter would have been five and a half today and I refuse to do anything but celebrate her. You know how I feel about half birthdays. They’re the shit. And Katie may have only had four short years on this earth, but those four years brought so much light and joy to every person she met. Each of those years deserves to be celebrated. So, hell yes, I brought champagne. And we are going to drink, sort through her things, reminisce, laugh, and yes, probably cry like we’re trying to dehydrate ourselves. But the alcohol will numb some of the pain.”
Tears were already filling Alyssa’s eyes. “God, Roxie. What would I ever do without you?” She was the most remarkable friend. Standing by Alyssa and Derek through all the ups and downs—mostly downs—of Katie’s illness. A rock for both of them during the worst hours, of which there were many.
“Please, sweetie, that’s something you will never have to find out. All right. I officially call the Celebrate Katie’s Life party to order. Woo!” She popped the champagne, sending the cork flying across the room. “Oops.”
Alyssa wiped her cheeks dry and smiled at her friend. “So, what’s the plan here? We drinking it straight from the bottle?”
“Uh, no.” Roxie searched her oversized purse again and drew out two plastic champagne glasses. “We may be sassy but we’re still classy, chickie. Now hold up those glasses.”
Alyssa laughed so hard the glasses wobbled, and Roxie had a heck of a time filling them.
“Give me that before you’re wearing what you should be drinking. This is good shit, after all. Be a shame to waste it.” She winked and plopped down on the rug.
Alyssa snorted then held up her plastic flute. She grew serious as she locked eyes with Roxie. “To K-Katie.”
“To Katie.”
“I miss you every second of every day, baby. Lately, I’ve been feeling like you’re telling me it’s time to join the world again. I want you to know I hear you, I’m listening, and I’m going to give it a try. I love you.” As she spoke, she ignored the slew of fresh tears and took in the sight of Katie’s room for the last time. As her gaze skimmed over the white furniture, the rocking chair, and soft colors of the décor, the strangest sensation overtook her.
A little bit of the sadness flowed away, and a gentle peace settled in her heart. She could do this. This would be good for her. For her and Derek. She couldn’t save her relationship with her husband if she was trapped, lost in a world of desolation. And she refused to let her marriage go without a fight.
Suddenly, it felt as though she had Katie’s blessing. As though Katie was releasing her from the mourning period and allowing her to live again. Love for her daughter warmed her from the inside out.
Roxie lifted her glass higher and looked toward the heavens. “Damn straight, baby girl. You give your momma the kick in the ass she needs.”
“Really, Roxie? She’s five. She doesn’t need to hear you say damn and she doesn’t know what an ass is.”
Roxie snorted. “Trust me, with your sailor-turned-tattoo artist husband as her father and me as her favorite auntie, she knows what an ass is.”
“Can I finish my toast now?” Alyssa couldn’t keep the giggles at bay. God, she loved Roxie and her outrageousness. Her special brand of personality was exactly what Alyssa needed to get through this ordeal in one piece.
“Yes, ma’am. Toast away.”
“Thank you. As I was saying…” She frowned. She’d said enough. The rest of her thoughts were private internal thoughts for Katie only. “Well, I guess I was done. I just want her to know I love her and miss her and could never forget her.”
“She knows, chickie, she knows.” Roxie clinked her glass against Alyssa’s. “Rest happy, little angel.”
Tears continued to stream as she tilted the glass up for a sip. When she tried to lower it, she was met with the resistance of Roxie’s hand on the bottom of her flute. “Drink up, sweetie. The next few hours have the potential to suck. We need to lube up a bit.”
Lube up? Alyssa nearly shot the cheap champagne out of her nose she laughed so hard. But she understood Roxie’s reasoning.
Two hours, a bottle and a half of champagne, many rounds of laughter, and about a gallon of tears later, the two sprawled on the floor with their backs against Katie’s twin bed. Three large piles rested in different corners of the room. A keep pile, a donate pile, and a toss pile.
It was over.
Done.
Everything her daughter had owned had been sorted through.
Roxie was right. It wasn’t something Alyssa should have ever attempted on her own. Not only would it have taken twice as long, but it would have been a horrible depressing experience. With Roxie, it was cathartic.
“Thanks, hon,” she said resting her head on Roxie’s inked shoulder.
“I wouldn’t have been anywhere else. Can I ask you something and blame it on the alcohol?”
Alyssa straightened, and the room did a little flip-flop. Whoops. Perhaps too much champagne. Not that it mattered. She had nowhere to go that night but bed. “Anything.”
“Things getting any better with Derek?”
Gloom threatened to kill her buzz and for a moment she almost played it off and acted like things were wonderful. But, while Roxie may be outrageous and the opposite of Alyssa’s more reserved personality, she was no dummy. She’d been not so subtly dropping hints that she sensed their marriage was on unsteady ground for months.
With a shake of her head, Alyssa sighed. “Not really. Not since…you know. Things are just…different. Not bad. We don’t fight, we don’t yell, we don’t have any ill feelings toward each other. Things have just changed. Neither of us is who we were before Katie got sick. It’s like we’ve forgotten how to be together. If that makes any sense.” She’d give anything to get the closeness, both emotionally and physically, of her marriage back. The rapid wasting away of the intense intimacy they’d shared was almost as devastating as her daughter’s passing.
“Roxie!”
“Oh please, girlfriend. I know you don’t like to talk about sex, even with me. I blame your crazy conservative parents for that one.”
Alyssa laughed. “Well, my father is a minister.”
Roxie waved her champagne. “Yeah, yeah. And you know it’s more a cult than a church. Anyway, I know you and I know that man of yours. You may talk like a prude, but you two have one hell of a wild and crazy sex life.”
Alyssa’s face burned. “What? How…how would you even know something like that?” It was the truth, but as Roxie said, she never talked about it with anyone beyond Derek.
With a snort, Roxie threw back the last of her drink. “Sweetie, not only did we share an apartment when you and Derek first started dating, we shared a freakin’ wall. I heard things that still fuel my wet dreams.”
“Oh my God.” She buried her face. Hell, she would have crawled under Katie’s bed and hidden like her daughter once tried to do during a thunderstorm if she wasn’t certain Roxie would drag her out by her ankles and make her share the dirty deets anyway.
Tipsy laughter filled the air. “Don’t be embarrassed, sweetie. Own that shit. You should be saying, ‘hell yeah I have a man who gives it to me so good I scream down the house.’”
“Well, I had that anyway.” Okay, she still had it if the events in the car a few nights ago were any indication, but it was on shaky ground. She drew up her knees and dropped her forehead down. The soothing, if not slightly uncoordinated and intoxicated rub of Roxie’s hand over her back comforted her.
“You check out that therapist I recommended?”
“You mean that therapist whose phone number magically appeared on a slip of paper in my purse? You’re about a subtle as a hand grenade, Rox.” Alyssa’s face heated and she turned her head, resting her cheek on her bent knees. “Um, yeah, I checked her out. Her methods are certainly…unorthodox.”
Roxie laughed and nudged Alyssa with her shoulder. “But good stuff, huh?” She winked “You gonna call her?”
Geez, could her face get any hotter? She often wondered if she wouldn’t be so skittish when it came to talking about sex if she hadn’t had such a strict religious upbringing. Hell, she hadn’t even heard the phrase blow job until she was seventeen. Slightly late by today’s standards. “We’ve already been to see her.”
Face alight with happiness, Roxie squealed. “Well, damn, girl,” she said. Then she snickered. “The session must have been torture for you.”
“You have no idea. It required me to talk about more details than I ever thought I’d share, but it’s…good. I think it might work. I can’t lose him too, Rox. I wouldn’t survive it. I’m barely making it through the day as things are now. If they were to end…” Her breathing hitched, and she shook her head.
“Hey.” Roxie’s voice hardened. Alyssa liked to call it her teacher voice. “There is no way that would ever happen. For two reasons. One, because that man is fucking insane over you and he’d rather get a butterfly tattoo on his face than lose you. And two, because I’d kick his ass across the Atlantic if he ever tried to leave.” She huffed and rose to her feet, pulling Alyssa along with her. “Okay, enough serious stuff. Time to get out of here and put something besides bubbly alcohol in our bellies. Then you can give me all the filthy details of your assignment from the therapist. I have to live vicariously through your sex life.”
“Please, Roxie, you know you’re hot. And you have a boyfriend.” She frowned. “You and Gregg have to be hitting the sheets every chance you get. Aren’t you?”
A grunt came from Roxie. “Please, girl. You know I’m a test drive the car kinda girl. He’s just a bit more concerned with himself lately if you know what I mean. And I’m starting to think his face is too smooth.”
Alyssa stopped her friend with a hand on her shoulder. This was the first time Roxie had ever uttered a negative word about her boyfriend of six months. “His face is too smooth?” She snorted out a laugh. “Wanna elaborate on that one?”
“Don’t laugh. You got yourself a bearded man. All dark hair, dark eyes, rugged man.” Roxie shook her head and waved off Alyssa’s concern. “Ignore me, everything’s fine. Just being silly.”
Hmm. For now, she’d respect Roxie’s wishes. After the emotional roller coaster of the past few hours, they didn’t need to dive into another taxing conversation. Honestly, she’d been surprised when Roxie started dating Gregg of the two G variety. He was very clean cut, sophisticated to the point of snobby. Not like any of the men Rox had dated in the past. She tended to gravitate toward more of a bad boy.
Roxie wasn’t one to put up with nonsense from a man. Nor was she the type to stick with a guy who didn’t rock her world, so to speak. Alyssa filed it away for the time being but planned to bring it up again soon.
Alyssa reached for her friend and drew her into a suffocating hug. “Love you, Roxie,” she whispered. “Thank you.”
“Nothing to thank me for, sweetie,” Roxie said, returning the embrace. “You’ve done so much for me in the past. And I love you too.”
The room wavered a bit, but the woozy feeling wasn’t unpleasant. In fact, it was nice. A strong buzz and her best friend made the afternoon she’d been dreading for almost a year bearable and she’d be forever grateful for both.
If only someone could make all the painful memories of the past two years disappear, starting with the day they learned of Katie’s illness. And while they were at it, maybe they could glue her marriage back together. And add some duct tape for good measure.
Then, maybe she could make it through the day without the ache in her chest.
Chapter Five
Two years ago
Alyssa’s foot tapped a rapid rhythm on the threadbare carpet while all ten chewed fingernails drummed on the wooden armrest of the waiting room chair. For the past two days, she’d had a tornado of stress and worry spiraling in her mind.
She filled her cheeks with air and blew out a long, slow breath.
Five after ten.
Their appointment was ten o’clock. What was taking so long? There should really be some sort of law against physicians running late when life-altering information hung in the balance.
Derek’s warm palm slid over her hand, stilling the incessant movement. “Baby, relax,” he said. “Everything is going to be fine. You know what Dr. Oakes said. This is just a precaution. Covering all their bases. He even admitted it was probably overkill.”
No one was better under pressure than Derek. Probably came from ten years in the Navy, six spent as a SEAL. Couldn’t have hacked it in Special Forces if he’d been prone to panicking in high-stress situations. Even though it had been years since he left the Navy, that calm, coolness in the face of…well, anything, stuck with him.
Alyssa on the other hand? Well, she was practically crawling out of her skin.
She flipped her hand over and interlaced their fingers. The other hand, though, still fidgeted like it was attached to a live wire.
“Mr. and Mrs. Jackson, come on back to my office.” Dr. Oakes hovered in the doorway that led from the waiting area to offices and treatment rooms. Older than her by at least twenty-five years, the physician had a grandfatherly look about him. Gray hair, twinkling eyes, kind smile.
Children warmed to him in an instant, even when they knew he was the one giving out shots. There was just a comforting way about him. He’d really found his calling as a pediatrician.
Why was Dr. Oakes himself the one coming out to the waiting room to fetch them? Wasn’t that the medical assistant’s job? Did that mean he had bad news? Or was the assistant just busy? Could it be he came out himself because the news was good, and he didn’t want them to stress unnecessarily?
“Come on, Katie bug.” Derek clasped their three-year-old daughter’s hand as their little family headed toward the doctor.
This had to be what some poor prisoner felt like when a pirate made them walk the plank. One foot in front
of the other until the end appeared. Then, nowhere to go but down, down, down to a swirling sea of horrors.
Geez, the negative thinking needed to stop, but controlling the obsessive thoughts wasn’t easy.
She was going to make herself sick.
“Breathe, babe,” Derek said as though he could sense her racing thoughts. His dark gaze held hers, strong and steady.
“Well, hey there, Katie,” Dr. Oakes said, crouching and giving their little towhead a playful tug on her pigtail. She’d been all about the pigtails over the past few weeks, insisting on wearing her hair in the style every moment of every day. She’d even begged to sleep in them and it was a battle Alyssa didn’t feel was worth fighting so she’d allowed it.
“Hi, Dr. Oates,” Katie said with a sunny smile.
Alyssa smiled herself. That darn K sound tripped their daughter up every time. Even her own name came out as Tatie.
“Do you and your parents want to come with me for a bit? I’ve got some toys you can play with down the hall.”
“Yes! Can we, mommy? Can we?” The high level of enthusiasm their three-year-old displayed over any and everything never failed to amuse her and Derek. It was as though she was offered a trip to Disney instead of a walk down the hall.
“Sure thing, sweetie. Just follow Dr. Oakes.”
Katie bounded after the doctor with her and Derek only a few steps behind.
“I’m going to let her play in this room here,” Dr. Oakes said as he paused outside a small playroom. “There’s plenty to keep her busy and Melissa, one of my nurses will stay with her the whole time.”
Oh God. He didn’t want Katie in the room. That could only mean one thing.
“Go right on in and play, sweetie,” he said to Katie. “I’m going to talk to your mom and dad for a bit. You can stay in here, so you don’t get bored listening to all the grown-up talk.” He said the words as though grown-up talk had a disgusting flavor to it.
Katie giggled. Okay, so he didn’t want her bored. That could mean the news wasn’t horrible. Jesus, she was going crazy.
