by Lilly Atlas
He nodded, like an idiot, unable to form words around the shock filling every cell of his being.
Lyss cleared her throat and cast him a sideways glance. “We’ve been married for seven years, dated for just six months before that. Derek is eight years older than I am. I had a very conservative, I’d say repressed, upbringing. I’d only slept with one man before him.” The rapid rambling was cute but showed her discomfort with talking about personal topics. “Derek and I clicked on so many levels, but sexually…” She blew out a breath and fanned herself.
Damn straight it had been hot as hell. And she most certainly had been brought up in a repressed, strict, over-the-top-religious household. The fact that he’d been the man to draw the latent sexuality out of her was a huge source of pride for him.
She’d trusted him enough to give her body over to him and allow him to teach her all about pleasure. That was never something he’d valued or even given any thought to in a partner, but once he’d met Lyss, it all changed.
She’d been timid, modest, almost afraid of the powerful chemistry between them, but damn had she been curious. Underneath he’d sensed a simmering passion she had no idea what to do with. Not that it was a surprise. She’d been raised in what was only a hop, skip, and a jump from being a cult.
Drawing the passion out of her, nurturing that untapped side of her, exploring her every need had been incredible. She’d told him so many times through the years that he was the only man she could have ever trusted enough to explore her deepest fantasies. Feel the freedom to express her desires, which ran deep.
He loved the fact that there wasn’t another man on the planet who knew his wife like he did. Knew how to make her purr, knew how to make her scream. Knew that under her reserved, private personality was a wild woman who loved to give and receive pleasure.
After clearing her throat, Lyss continued. “For us, sex has always been an extremely important part of our relationship.” A pretty pink flush stole across her cheeks. No matter how down and dirty their sex life got, she’d always had difficulty talking about anything sexual with anyone but him. That contradiction was something he found adorable.
Maggie smiled. “Remember what I said, nothing is off limits. And there isn’t anything to feel bashful about. I’ve literally heard it all.”
“We are, um were, pretty adventurous I guess I’d call it.” She turned to him and seemed to lose all fear of sharing as she focused solely on him. “I wanted to do anything and everything with Derek. The foundation of our relationship wasn’t built just on sex, but it was a high priority for both of us. It was how we communicated, how we connected, even how we fought. We had sex at least once a day, and it was very rare that we let a day go by without it. That didn’t even change after Katie was born.” Her smile turned down.
The mention of his daughter’s name sent a familiar spear of sadness through his chest.
“All of our friends complained about the dip in their sex lives after a child, or during high-stress times in their lives, but not us. We craved each other, like a drug. Passionate sex, playful sex, comforting sex, angry sex.” She shrugged. “I loved it all. Any and every way I could get him. Anywhere, anytime.” Her blush intensified.
“Sounds like something to be envious of.” The therapist stopped taking notes and gave Lyss her full attention.
Derek had been captivated by her as well. She’d been beyond sheltered when they met, and he’d taken great pleasure in corrupting her. With him, she felt free to express herself, ask for what she wanted, hell, take what she wanted. But never had he heard her talk about their sex life to another person. She was tightlipped and shy outside their marriage. Hell, even her best friend Roxie complained that Lyss never gave her any dirty details to live vicariously through.
“It was. And it was the same no matter what happened in our lives. We survived significant disapproval from my family.” She paused and gave a small huff.
Somehow, he managed to hold in a snort. Disapproval was the least of what they’d had to overcome from Alyssa’s family who were religious to the point of insanity. But that was the past and had nothing to do with their present problems.
“We survived Derek’s PTSD, and both of us working crazy hours to grow our businesses. Nothing shook our bond. Whenever we had stress, we turned to each other and conquered every battle as a pair. We were connected on every level.”
“And then?” Maggie gentled her voice, prompting his wife, and his stomach clenched.
Then it all when to shit.
“And then Katie got sick.”
A strong fist gripped Derek’s heart and squeezed with the force of a thousand men. They hadn’t talked about any of this. Because of him. Because he was the selfish asshole who couldn’t handle talking about the death of their baby girl. The child who brought so much joy to every aspect of their lives.
Tears filled Lyss’s sad blue eyes and spilled down her cheeks. Maggie handed her a box of tissues.
“Lyss,” he said.
“Derek, we’ll get to you in a moment. I want Lyss to have a chance to get this all out, okay?”
“Okay.” Who did that ravaged voice belong to? Surely not him.
Lyss sniffed and set the box of tissues next to her on the luxurious couch. “Katie was just over three when she was diagnosed with cancer, and overnight every single aspect of our lives changed. I closed my business and took care of her while Derek was at work. When he was home, he went above and beyond to make sure I took care of myself as well as helping care for our baby.” She looked at him, love shining from her eyes.
“We were so consumed with doctors’ appointments, money concerns, medical procedures, chemo, the horror of Katie’s pain.” She shuddered. “Sex just stopped, and for a while I honestly didn’t notice.” Her voice lowered to a whisper. “It’s been over a year since Katie’s passing. I think about her every single day. I miss her every single second. But life seems to be moving forward despite our loss. I feel like I’m finally waking up after a two-year-long nightmare, and while nothing will ever completely fill the void in our lives, we have no choice but to continue on.”
“Lyss are you concerned that Derek is seeking a sexual relationship from another woman?”
Every muscle in Derek’s body tensed and his breath stilled in his lungs.
Never.
Never had he even had one ounce of desire to sleep with another woman after he met her. Christ, if that was Lyss’s concern, he might just break down and cry, something he’d only allowed one time in his life. At Katie’s bedside when she took her last breath.
“No.” Lyss spoke with a firm voice, and leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “That is not something I worry about. Derek would never. He’d stay with me and faithful for the next fifty years, even if we never had sex again. I’m one hundred percent certain of that. And that’s what concerns me. I’m terrified that this part of who we are that is so important to me, and that I’m coming to crave again, is dead. That we won’t be who we were, and we’ll never get that back. We’re disconnected outside the bedroom as well as inside. Living more like roommates. Not talking about anything important, not eating together, not spending any quality time together, no dates. We’ve already lost more than anyone should. I’m not sure what I would do if we lost the core of who we are as a couple.”
“Thank you for your honesty, Lyss. Derek, I’d like to hear your thoughts on everything your wife has said.”
Shit. His thoughts? The only thought he had right then was that he wanted to go home and fuck his wife until neither of them could see straight. To apologize for the pain she’d been experiencing. But he couldn’t. Something locked up inside of him the day Katie died. In the year since her passing, he hadn’t found the key to release it yet.
Maybe this therapist could change that.
Chapter Ten
Alyssa stepped back and surveyed the master bathroom with a keen eye. Yesterday, yellow and gray towels had hung from the bar, a bright
yellow canvas with the words you are my sunshine had hung from the wall, and all the other décor fit with the yellow and gray color scheme. Today, she’d replaced just about everything, yellow with teal accents. Now a giant print of a gorgeous teal lily hung from the wall.
She was forever changing up the décor in the house. Something would catch her eye. One piece. A vase or decorative bowl and suddenly an entire design plan would be born. Derek teased her about it constantly, saying there was more than one occasion where he thought he’d come home to the wrong house after work because of her changes.
Hazard of being married to an interior decorator.
Derek…
She closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips against her eyelids as flashes of yesterday’s confusing encounter with Derek attacked her brain. How could something so perfect have gone so bad so fast?
But it had.
He’d run out leaving her feeling confused and vulnerable. Also aching for the pain he was in. The pain he wasn’t sure how to deal with.
She straightened and reached for the medicine cabinet. Time for some ibuprofen. The sleepless night and constant running of her mind had her head throbbing.
While she was in the medicine cabinet, she grabbed an empty pill bottle and tossed it in the trash. She’d finished the antibiotic a week and a half ago and had forgotten to get rid of the bottle. Three weeks ago, while searching for something in her garage in her socked feet, she’d stepped on a nail. It had scraped bottom of her foot, but really, she’d barely even felt it.
That was until she’d woken up to a red and angry scratch the next morning. Her physician wasn’t overly concerned since it wasn’t deep, but he put her on an antibiotic to ward off an infection.
It cleared right up and within two days she wasn’t even aware of it anymore. Easy fix. The only thing the doctor had warned her about was being diligent about using alternate birth control since antibiotics could render her pill ineffective for the cycle.
She’d almost laughed in the doctor’s face. Like that was a problem for her. She hadn’t had sex in—
“Oh my God,” she said on a gasp as she dropped the ibuprofen and stared at herself in the mirror.
How could she be so stupid?
She’d slept with Derek. No condom, of course. Because she was on birth control. Damnit. The timing was right as well.
Her chest tightened and the image in the mirror swam before her eyes.
She could be pregnant.
Pregnant.
This wasn’t happening. This was not something she could handle. She wasn’t ready. Would she ever be ready again?
Pursing her lips, she got her breathing under control and stared at the freaked-out woman in the mirror. “It’s okay. It was one time. And the pill probably worked.”
But what if it didn’t? She hadn’t even thought about more children until Maggie brought it up in their therapy session.
“Don’t panic,” she told her reflection. “You’re not pregnant.”
Fourteen Days Ago
A miniscule amount of guilt settled like a stone in the base of Alyssa’s stomach. She’d led Derek to believe this was just another grief counseling session, a kind of year-one check in. But it wasn’t. It was wild pitch, a crazy idea to save the relationship she felt slipping through her fingers like water.
Something deep inside of her truly believed if they didn’t get their sex life back on track, and soon, their relationship would suffer irreparable damage. What she’d researched of Dr. Appwater’s methods was…interesting to say the least, and appealed to the side of Lyss that was dying to be fucked by her husband.
So there they were, in the therapist’s office and Lyss had just shared more of what had been running through her head than she had in ages.
“Thank you for your honesty, Lyss. Derek, I’d like to hear your thoughts on everything your wife has said.” Their therapist turned toward him.
Her handsome and strong husband scrubbed his hand down his bristly face. That beard was getting a little out of control. Unkempt. With his other hand, he gave her a reassuring squeeze.
“I just…I mean…shit, I have no idea how this happened. Like Lyss said, we’ve always been…active. There’s never been a time where I didn’t want her. I can’t explain how, but I’m completely shocked to hear it’s been two years.”
“Losing a child, especially to a drawn-out and painful illness, changes you. I would be floored if your relationship didn’t suffer to some extent. But it’s unhealthy to let those changes rule your life. As your wife said, no matter how you two feel, or what you’ve endured, life will still move forward. The healthy thing to do is learn how to deal with your emotions so that you can progress forward as well. That’s where most couples fail. They become absorbed in their own grief, sadness, and pain, inadvertently neglecting their partner. A relationship can only survive for so long in that state.”
Is that what happened here? Was she so lost in her own anguish she’d neglected her husband? It was a sobering thought. One that came with a healthy dose of guilt. Derek was so important to her, so vital to her existence, the idea that she might have emotionally deserted him when he needed her was a difficult pill to swallow.
“I hear you, doc,” Derek said. “I just…didn’t even seem to notice that two years had gone by and I’m not quite sure how I buried my head so deep in the sand. I—” He shook his head.
What was he going to say? Lyss was dying to know but didn’t want to push him to admit something he wasn’t ready to voice.
“Please, Derek, continue.” Maggie waited, her pen poised over her notepad.
“I, uh, oh fuck it.” Derek winced. “Sorry, doc.”
Their therapist chuckled. “Please, no need to censor yourself in any way.”
“Okay then.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, his hand still clutching hers. “There isn’t anything in this world that I find better than fucking my wife.”
Heat rushed to Lyss’s face and she wasn’t sure it was purely embarrassment. She felt the same way and the idea that they were working to get back there again wasn’t lost on her hungry body. Moisture pooled between her thighs as she listened to Derek’s intoxicating voice and watched his sinful mouth move as he spoke. Damn, that mouth could do things that should be illegal, and perhaps were in some states.
“I could have her three times a day and it wouldn’t be enough. Hell, maybe that’s excessive, but it worked for us. We were pretty much insatiable. No surface of our house was safe from us.” He chuckled and turned to her.
Her breath sped up at the molten look he gave her. Like a man starving, his intense gaze ate her up. Derek didn’t seem to care at all that they were being observed, and Lyss found herself disregarding that fact as well. How long had it been since he’d looked at her like that? Like he could barely restrain himself from throwing her down and tearing her clothes off, witnesses be damned. They both knew the thrill of having sex in public.
With a wink, he broke the connection. “So, doc, how do we get back to where we were? I’m not stupid enough to believe we can just ignore the last two years.”
As she spoke, Maggie tapped her pen against the notepad. “You’re absolutely right, Derek. You have to acknowledge those years and deal with them to move forward. Before I lay out my plan, I’d like to ask you one more question. Have either of you considered the possibility of having another child?”
Every drop of air in Alyssa’s lungs whooshed out in a hurricane force gust. This question entered her consciousness every single day and she shoved it away as though it were an attacker bent on harming her. She inhaled on a sharp wheeze, unable to fully inflate her lungs due to the constriction in her chest.
“Babe, you okay?”
She blinked and concentrated on Derek’s concerned face.
“Alyssa, you seem to be having a strong reaction to the question.” In her customary patient way, Maggie waited for her to be ready to speak.
“I can’t�
�” She shook her head. “I can’t even think of that question. It hurts too bad.” Geez, it was like a knife straight to the heart. “The thought of opening myself up to that kind of pain again, the risk of another loss…” Her shoulders rose and fell. “It’s too much at this point.”
“And you, Derek?”
“Jesus, I just don’t know. The end was so…so fucking awful.”
Seeing her strong husband at a loss was almost as painful as the question itself.
Maggie nodded. “Not an uncommon reaction, and perhaps a subconscious reason for avoiding intimacy both physical and emotional.”
Huh. A bright lightbulb went off in Lyss’s head. Sure, she was on the pill, but nothing was a guarantee. Had she been avoiding Derek to avoid the possibility of becoming pregnant? It wasn’t a mystery she’d solve in the next few seconds. It would take some soul searching. Something she’d also avoided since Katie’s death. Too painful. When had she become such a coward?
One thing she was coming to realize though was that the distance between her and her husband wasn’t simple. It was like a complex tangled string wound in a hundred knots. Untying them would take time, effort, and patience, but Maggie seemed qualified to guide them through which one to pick apart first.
“Okay, you two.” Maggie’s smile was almost sheepish. “I’ve developed a program that I think will work very well for you guys. It seems to have the most success in couples who are very sexually active. Now I’ll warn you. My program is not yet based on any scientific evidence. I’m working on a grant proposal, so I can begin collecting data and gathering evidence to support the treatment protocol. That being said, I’ve had great success with it in my practice, so I’m hoping you’re open to it and will follow the guidelines. I’m certain it will help you over the hump and get you back on your way to connecting as a couple.”
Lyss risked a glance at Derek. One of his eyebrows was arched in a skeptical gesture.
Maggie chuckled. “I want you to spend two weeks apart from each other.” She held up a hand when Derek’s mouth opened. “Let me lay it out then I’ll answer all your questions. I promise. Lyss, you stay in the house. Derek, you get a hotel for two weeks. You’re both to use this time apart to work on yourselves. Soul searching, career advancement, organize the house, plan nights out with friends. Figure out exactly what you want, what you need, and what you feel is the block to achieving those things. Focus on the parts of life that have all been on hold since Katie’s illness and death, because I guarantee your sex life wasn’t the only thing to suffer.
