by Simon Archer
“That’s incredible.” I looked the tunnel map over, comparing it to my own experience to make my own map in my head. “Captain Knight repurposed these little entrances and exits to the tunnels as caches for all of his weapons. Damn, those old werewolves must have spread out to the far corners of the globe before he managed to get a foothold on fighting them. But these have all got to be either broken down or taken by the Wolves already. We’d have to expect some company anytime we used them.”
“Not if the tunnels are magic, and the Wolves are dumb.” She took out a little charm with a glowing green rune on it. “From one of the charm schematics. More significantly, not among any of Paw-Paw’s things. He wasn’t making charms from any of the designs.”
“Do you think that they’ve only been using the ones that they’ve found?” I asked her, “I know Timberpine had you working on his wizard legs, and the Baron had his own set of charms. Do they know how charms are made?”
“He only had me fixing them when they cracked,” she said, “I didn’t make his leg charms. Never asked me once about making more. I learned it in the same books he forced me to read. He pushed it in my face a lot, and I told him I needed to read more to fix them properly, so I had time to memorize a lot about it.”
“So most Wolves think that bunnies are only smart enough for maintenance, and only useful as a fuel source for their own brains and magic.” I gazed at my mental navel. “Wow, that is really dumb. Here I was, assuming they knew all about charms, only to find out they’re just a bunch of charm vultures. Anyhow, that new charm is related to the tunnels?”
“It’s like a key.” Tinker presented the charm to me. “This baby opens up the secret doors to the tunnel network hidden all over the place. I’ve already got some people exploring the ones we found and mapping it out for any unusable passages.”
“And you can just make these keys?” I took it from her to look at it. “Oh, this might just be the game-changer. That Mana Crusher’s doomed, for sure.”
“There is one drawback…” Tinker retreated in fear of my disappointment.
“The tunnels are super tiny, aren’t they?” I guessed.
“Even you’d have to squeeze through them,” she confessed, “Not that you’re fat or anything, sir! But, you’re not weak or skinny, either. You’ve got muscles all over the place that are just too big. In a good way! It’s really good, and it’s really, really, really… TALL! YOU ARE!”
“Flirt,” I kissed her pink nose, looking positively pale compared to her face, to save her from herself, “Thank you. Your sweet fibs do my conceited heart good.”
“Why would I lie?” Tinker looked up. “I have no reason to.”
“Unless I was lord and master of the household you mean,” I kissed her on the head, “Even if you aren’t, you are on the lower end of bunny heights. It could all be relative for you. I thought you were going to split in half with how much you were screaming the first time.”
“I was not in any pain, sir, believe me.” She smiled as she thought back to that office in my estate in Thumperton Port. So did I. “And all the other bunnies say so, too! And we still can’t get enough! I can’t get enough! Why are we still talking?!”
“Not so fast, honey,” I kissed her softly on the lips, “There are other people around. We’ll find someplace discreet, and I guess we should talk business while we search until we don’t have to put on appearances anymore. A lady like you deserves class.”
“And a guy like you deserves ass.” She pretended to shoot me with finger guns while she wore the most shit-eating grin I’d ever seen. “Eyy.”
I couldn’t keep my laughter in.
23
“Let’s see if we can’t find somewhere that I haven’t placed workers.” I finally got out after a minute of walking and regaining my composure. “While we search, do you have any other fun charms?”
“Yes!” Tinker clapped her hands like a playful seal as we moved away from the study. “So many! I found a schematic for one called ‘burst’ that makes things explode. It’s not useful for any melee weapons, but it gives any projectile explosive rounds. Another one, ‘dust,’ doesn’t actually do much on its own, but when you pair it with others, it turns some of their effect into a big cloud of fine powder. You know that ‘pristine’ one that keeps things nice and sparkly all of the time? I found one of those, too. Also, I found a whole bunch of instructions on new kinds of charms, like a double charm--”
“Does that duplicate things?”
“Well, it actually puts two runes on one charm, it’s not a rune for one,” she explained, “You can save some space that way, and they turn on and off at the same set of commands. And that’s just one of the new types! There’s a bunch of them, like blinking ones, timed ones, smaller or bigger ones, and even stronger ones.”
“That last one seems promising,” I remarked, “Do you have any of those made?”
“I don’t have the mana to do that last one,” she bowed her head in defeat, “maybe if all of the girls helped me out, that’d do it, but it takes a huge amount before it stabilizes and doesn’t explode, and it’s exhausting to even try. I couldn’t make even one of them stay by myself, and I’ve almost got as much mana as Hopper does. I thought that maybe I could find a way to do the same thing with a double charm, but two charms don’t actually make an effect stronger unless there’s a lot of them.”
“But, still, with those double charms, you’re saying that I could have up to six charms on my guns?” I went to pull out my pistol, finding it missing from its holster, along with a heartbeat in my chest in my panic. “Or someone else can, who we should find as soon as possible. Did I leave it back there? I swear I had it after the naming ceremony.”
“No and yes, actually.” She handed me my missing pistol, now a beautiful bright bronze, and the tinkering klepto’s face a beautiful bashful red, “The double charm acts like two charms, still, so it takes up space in the same way. It’s more mechanical than anything. I think it’s still useful.”
“There are more than six charms on here, Tinker.” I inspected the new color and the new pistol, realizing that it was made of the cheat bronze that’d antagonized me for so long. “There are ten charms on there. Have you attempted to lie to me, you little minx?”
“I found a way around the charm limit another way!” She sprung back into her enthusiasm in no time as she defended herself. “I was just about to tell you. The oryctolagium metal can channel mana unlike any other material does, and it’s still sturdy enough for other uses. It’s incredibly rare, though, and does less channeling as part of an alloy. Your pistol’s the only one that’s purely reconstructed. The rifle and shotgun only got an alloy treatment, along with some of our armors and weapons. I’m sorry, sir, I was trying to spread it around as much as I could so we’d get as much use out of it as possible. Maybe I shouldn’t have put so much in those new suits of armor I made for you, me, and Hopper.”
“Now, I wish we’d brought those metal plates in the old Thumperton Baron’s armor.” I looked over the ten charms on the gun. “But we can get that shipped over in a bit, along with Timberpine’s chair. In hindsight, that flying arctic Wolf was using wood for his wizard legs when he had a whole wheelchair of the rare metal that could have channeled his charms better and kept them from cracking all of the time. He knew next to nothing about any of this magic stuff, unlike my favorite magical engineer. Very nice work, Tinker. I’m excited to see it all. Don’t be sorry about a thing.”
“Thank you, sir.” She blushed as she rested her head on me. “That means a lot to me.”
“I see we put the fire and ice double right next to the safety.” I gave the double charm a tap, watching the fiery red and the icy blue charms alternate their flashing and dimming as I continued. “It switches at a touch, too? Nice. That’ll be fun to try out.”
“They both turn off or on when you swipe over it three times, too.” She pulled my arm down and showed me both functions, rubbing it like a genie’s l
amp to turn it both lights off, then both on. She then tapped it, and the ice charm dimmed, returning it back to its original setting. “You never know when you might need both. Or neither. Always prepared for anything.”
“I appreciate the idea of a suped-up mega pistol,” I told her, “but I think we should put the fire back on the shotgun. That gives us some better variety in options, and helps to spread the charm love a bit, since you said they could all get some more, right?”
“Oh, no, those are the new ones!” She took out my shotgun from nowhere, having somehow pilfered it from me without my knowing. “The shotgun has the originals, plus its own new guys. I found so many schematics, sir, and I’ve been working! We’ve got charms everywhere! I loaded everything with charms! Armor, weapons, cookware, furniture, buildings, Rabbits, Wolves, all of the things! I’ve even got this charm-throwing slingshot!” She presented the sling-shot from one of the pouches on her baggy mechanic’s pants, very much like a regular slingshot, but with a special pouch that perfectly fit a regular charm like a peg in a hole. “As you can see, you put charms in the sling, it slings them, and then the bad guys get shot. Charm slingshot.”
“Why would we want to give the enemy our new abundance of charms, even in such an aggressive way as slinging them?”
“Imagine with me, sir!” She painted a picture in the sky with her hands. “We’re being sieged! Wolves everywhere! They’ve got trebuchets, and they’re not afraid to use them. A boulder comes crashing down from up high! It’s gonna squish a whole squad of your soldiers, or break a very expensive city wall! What will we do? Where will we turn for a savior?” The alchemist jiggled the slingshot. “Not to worry, my worried lord! With the charm slingshot, we can fling a feather charm right onto it from afar, transmogrifying the giant boulder of death into a cotton ball of harmlessness. They shriek in terror as they realize their plans shall all be in vain. For we are just far too great for them!”
“I think that if it still weighs exactly as much as a feather at this size, the boulder might just float away with close to zero density.” I laughed at the silliness of the thought. “We’d be putting a bunch of giant stones to float at the top of the atmosphere like ping-pong balls.” I put on my thinking eyes as an idea began to form in my mind. “Do you have the nullifier charm, still? Can you turn its effect into a long-range projectile or a laser ray of some kind?”
“So we can deactivate the feather charms, shoot down the boulders, and MAKE A METEOR SHOWER ON OUR ENEMIES!?” She clawed at her own face in her excitement. “You’re a genius. It’s so crazy. You’d never be able to predict where they’d fall. I need it! That’s the greatest thing I’ve ever wanted! Once we’re finished, I’ll get a design started on a nullifier gun, and then I’m gonna make more feather charms--!”
“Whoa, whoa, hold on, girl,” I grabbed her arm before she could whip herself into a frenzy. “You’ve been making charms and doing inventory nonstop since we stepped foot in the castle! I’ve got ten charms on the pistol alone, and that usually takes a lot out of you. Don’t overwork yourself. There’s plenty of time.”
“Don’t worry, sir!” She punched her fists together and gritted her teeth. “I’m tough as a rock, now! I’ve already made close to fifty since you won over Preymei--Chompfi-- Wallace--”
“Preymeister and Wallace,” I helped her out with the confusing situation, “The big guy used to be the baron, then posed as the bunny who was the new baron, but now has a new name, while the bunny kept his baron name. Confusing, I know.”
“Yeah, them.” She rubbed her head, then regained her exuberance. “I’m not the only one making charms, sir. The new girls from town were helping me out to make a few of the easier ones this whole time. I’ve still got another twenty charms in me before I pass out!”
“That is exactly what I don’t want to happen.” I grabbed both of her shoulders to steady her enthusiasm further. “We’ve got work tomorrow that’s going to need some of that energy you’re trying to use today. Less than two weeks ago, you were pretty beat after four charms. Twenty, plus those other fifty you’ve already done, is a huge step up from that. Close to a two-thousand percent increase in production in the span of two weeks. Pace yourself.”
“Well, yeah, but making more helps me make more later!” The little alchemist stomped on the ground. “It’s like training for me. Builds my endurance. I can pace all over the place. I’m sure I’ll be able to make another twenty more on top of all of that once we’re finished--”
“There you two are!” Hopper burst through the study door to interrupt us. “Do you know how long I’ve been looking for you? Less than a couple of minutes, but I reserve the right to be angry since you weren’t where everyone said you would be. This is important.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked, “Did a fight break out? Army attacking? Is someone in trouble? Life-or-death emergency, right? I’m sorry about moving about. I didn’t realize people needed me. I was in the middle of doing some… lording. I was busy lording all over the place. In fact, you might want to stay close. I may need you for more lording business when we’re done.”
“Yes, my lord, very lordly lording business.” She rolled her eyes with a smile as she stormed off, taking my wrist hostage and carrying it in tow. “I’m sure you would lord Tinker until she couldn’t walk right. She needs to come, too, though.”
“How important is this, Hopper?” I asked. “If it can wait until morning, my official workday is just about over, and I was just about to help Tinker with a problem of her own--” I pried my proverbial foot from my mouth before I got Athlete's Tongue. “Oh, right, I’m an idiot. We can’t take all night. I’ve got the girls from Jackalope who were asking for help out in lordly business as well, and I need some energy left for that.”
“Where do you think I’m taking you?” Hopper said, insulted that I would have ever thought otherwise, “They can get their turns first, don’t worry. I’m not heartless. Once they all get overwhelmed and pass out early, though, we get you for the rest of tonight, you got it? Call me selfish, but I don’t get enough for my liking.”
“You’ve gotten the most time out of all of my girls combined,” I highlighted, “Could probably measure the total in weeks.”
“That still isn’t enough to my liking.” Hopper huffed, “I have a record to maintain, clearly. And don’t think you’re off the hook for trying to sneak some in just now, Tinker.”
“He started it!” Tinker scoffed as she floated beside Hopper. “We were innocently discussing charms and battle strategies, and then the topic shifted without my awareness or prompting. Then the next thing I know, we’re looking for a corner we could use for an hour or so. He was such a vicious animal, but he’s the lord of our house. How could I refuse, especially when he pointed out that it would help boost my charm-making?”
“I can’t believe you’d throw me to the lions like that.” I laughed when I looked at her, then saw that she was serious about that last tidbit of information. “Wait, that actually helps boost your charm making? Are you sure that’s not just a coincidence? You could just be advancing really quickly now that you can make them more often. There’s no way they’re related.”
“Oh, does it get easier to use your powers afterward each time, too?” Hopper asked as she popped open some portals for us to zip about the fortress quickly. “Our first helped me make my first portal on purpose, and every one after has helped me connect with my powers even more. It’s probably why I was able to use my portals so much after having not used them for a while. And they’ve been going further away every time I’ve used them, since. I don’t think I’d be able to make nearly as much as I do now without you, my lord.”
“Ladies, I am very much flattered by your generous compliments,” I started, now keeping pace through the portal jumps instead of being dragged, “It’s a very exciting thought for my self-esteem, but there is no man who is that good in any world. It’s just another tool in the belt. Reliable and enduring, but it is no magic wand,
I assure you.”
“I beg to differ,” Tinker said as we rounded the last corner through the last portal, “though I prefer to describe it more like a magic rod or, better yet, a flute.”
“I might have said it was like a throne or a saddle,” Hopper added, opening the door. “Do you need us to prove it to you? We’re more than happy to.”
The master bedroom was gigantic. You could have chopped up the floor space into a two-story suburban dream home, garage included, and still have more than enough to build a shed for a mancave in the backyard. It was a day trip to roll across the blue silk sheets from one side of the bed to the other, and a damn cross-country venture to reach the bathroom. And every step of the way, you would have bumped into some beautiful bunny girl, a few faces I recognized from casual sightseeing and a whole lot of new ones. Needless to say, there were more than twice the women here than in Thumperton.
“Oh, I’m so nervous,” Penny, a copper-furred bunny with black hair, spoke up amongst the many voices to greet me, “What do you think it’s like?”
“I heard from Hopper, one of the new girls, that it’s like eating the best food you’ve ever tasted,” Emma, a more humanoid bunny with long, brown ears and hair, answered her, “only it’s, you know, not in your mouth.”
“Hopper, is that true?” Monique, silver-furred and haired, asked the veteran, “I’ve had some pretty good cake. Cake is really good.”
“You know, you can actually give it a taste if you’re curious,” Hopper clarified. “It’s very multi-functional. We have thoroughly tested it ourselves.”
“Really?” Penny asked.
“Don’t neglect your mouth, ladies,” Hopper replied, “there is more than enough to go around, and we have plenty of time. The full experience is well worth the effort.”
“Lord Hank needs us,” Tinker added, “He believes a lie that says he’s too small and too flimsy to help us, and that we can’t help him. But how could we not be happy with him when he’s so thirsty to face our painful desires head-on, feeding on our assets like a strider and his feedbag, and tasting how we yearn to embrace the full measure of his lordly pride, no matter how hard it may be? His gentle and thorough exploration will embolden us to draw closer to him, letting him feel everything we can offer him. If he is ever down after he’s attended to one of our pinings and loses that rigid confidence, one of us can grab hold of him to bring him back up. We can stomach every last drop of the stress he’s built up without spitting it out again. We’ll ride together all through those long and rough nights with him, letting him lay his burdens on us or within our tender care. He’s truly the bigger man who won’t leave any void within us unfilled or any need unmet.”
