by Cassie Mae
“Yes,” he argues, stepping into me, stepping inside and allowing me to shut the door behind him. “I have. I’ve changed and I want whatever you want because I want you.” His fingers grasp mine, his skin warm and rough and so familiar, like I’ve come home after a long day at work. “I want these hands, these arms, this smile, this heart. All of these, everything that makes up the person you are. That’s where my family is.”
I lose my breath… gone is it from my lungs, and my brain is somewhere in a cloud and my feet are somehow still keeping me upright. Why does he have to make it so hard? Why does he have to be the man who wears his heart there on his sleeve, profess his love only for me to have to reject him yet again.
But his eyes… they’re saying everything he isn’t—words that I know that will eventually fall off his lips, but they are staying inside at the moment. He really means it. He really believes that he could give up a life with a family for one without.
“Only me?” I ask, my voice a rough whisper. “You’re okay with… only me in your family?”
“Well, and me, too.” His lips tilt upward in his signature half-grin, the smile line a heart-pounding indicator that he’s telling me the absolute truth, and I feel a dip in my stomach, a sick taste on the back of my tongue that I, too, need to be completely honest with him.
“You really mean it?” I ask, building up the courage to say what I need to so we both know for sure. “You’d be willing to give up having children?”
He puts his hands on my cheeks, sets his forehead on mine and looks straight at me with those soulful blue eyes. “Yes.”
And with one syllable, my trepidation, my worries, my every fear flies out the window and off into the night. My hands find his wrists, grasping onto him and holding on to keep steady. I take a deep breath, let it fill my lungs and let it slowly seep out. He’ll understand, won’t he? He understood without the entire truth.
“Cooper,” I say, pulling his hands away. “I can’t have kids.”
“I know,” he rushes out. “This isn’t some trick I’m playing. I’m not just telling you I’m okay with it while secretly holding out hope for something different. If you don’t want kids, I accept that.”
“No.” I lock on his eyes and hold them until he understands what I’m saying. “I can’t have kids.”
The realization hits him slowly, the light brightening across his expression. His lips part, but his breath is gone away, and I gulp and shake my head at the floor between us.
“I… I thought I was pregnant. I thought we were pregnant. But the doctor… she told me I won’t ever be.”
A warm hand presses against the small of my back and pulls me up against his strong, firm chest. He wraps me in a cocoon that not a single negative thought can penetrate, a place that I needed the day I found out, but I was too scared to venture into. His breath comes out in a long, sad sigh over my head, his arms a warm blanket on a cold day.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to feel obligated to stay with me,” I say into the comfort of his chest. “I didn’t want to be the broken woman who took away any possibility for you having children.”
He coaxes my chin up, making sure that I have a good look at his face when he says, “You are not broken, Maya. Don’t ever think that.”
A hint of a smile plays at the corner of my lips. Can we really move forward like this? Could I really take the life he wanted away from him? I consider other options; I know there are more. Adoption, surrogacy… but it all seems like too much right now. I quickly push away from him for some much needed air.
“I’m not ready to talk options,” I tell him. “I don’t know if I want any other options. I’m thirty years old, and it feels like I’d have to fast forward the process because it takes so long for everything, and I’m not ready for that. My brain, my body, my heart…” I settle a hand on my chest, begging my tears to stay under control, but they rarely listen to me. “I saw that future you painted for us. I caught a glimpse of it that last night with you.”
“When you scared the hell out of me in the pool?” he teases, and I smile, grateful that he knows to make me laugh when I feel so low. My brain fast forwards to future moments when I hope he’s still there to do it again.
“I saw it, Cooper. I saw a wedding and a house and a backyard with a swing set and kids with your blue eyes and my baby fat. I didn’t only see it, I wanted it. I wanted everything.” My shoulders slump, and I fold my arms, hoping to find the same comfort from myself that I had from him. I’m unsuccessful. “I’d hate myself forever if I took that away from you.”
He shakes his head. “I see something different for us now. Something just as good, if not better.”
“Don’t you want to be with someone who can give you everything you want?”
He steps forward, enclosing us in a tight bubble that no one can pop. His hands find my cheeks, and his eyes hypnotize me into not moving a single muscle.
“You are everything I want.”
I’m gone again. He’s melted me into the floor, and I fly to the moon as his lips come down on mine. He pushes me against the wall, his hands soft, his mouth anxious, his pulse pounding under my fingertips. He kisses away my pain, my hesitation, my worries, and I kiss him back with everything I have.
“I still wish you would’ve told me,” he says, breaking away to breathe. “You wouldn’t have had to go through this alone.”
“I’ve got my cats,” I tease, loving that he can make me feel happy enough to tease in the middle of something so sad. “I’m never alone.”
He wrinkles his nose at me. “Can I take you somewhere?”
I’ve missed his blurting almost as much as I’ve missed him. “Where?”
“Cabo.”
“How did you…?”
“Facebook,” he says, and a lightbulb pops on over my head. Now I have the answer to how he knew where I was. “Let me take you.”
“When?”
“Right now.”
I look over my shoulder at Holland, my cheeks warming at the fact that she’s been listening to this entire exchange. Her eyes are so wide and her grin so full, put a bucket of popcorn in front of her and she’d be all set for the show we just gave her.
“I can’t,” I say, turning back to Cooper. “My friend needs me.”
“There you go, making me fall even more in love with you.” He shakes his head and plants a kiss to my knuckles. “After?”
“I suppose.”
“All right, you go take care of your friend.” His eyes flick over my head. “Nice to meet you by the way!” Then he leans into me as Holland and I both laugh. “Weird to have an audience when you rip your heart out and hand it over.”
“I’m pretty sure you just won her over, too.”
He grins and plants a kiss on my lips. “Now, take care of her, and resist every urge you have to text me all the time or call and talk to me from dusk until dawn.”
“I’ll try my best.”
“One more thing, because I can’t keep it in.”
“You never can.”
He takes a deep breath and sets his hands on my waist, pulling me up against him. “This is what I’m gonna do… When you get back, I take you to Cabo for a week of beautiful love-making intertwined with sweaty, dirty screwing. I ask you a million times to be my wife while you jokingly shrug it off. We get home and I live a painfully long month alone before finally breaking down and asking you to move in. I sign on that piece of crap house with potential, and you help me plan and renovate, and we’ll fight on every single decision, and you’ll stop me from trying to do everything myself and hire a contractor. We get it done, you move in with your demon cats, and because I know how much you like them and we have the room, I buy you another one and you name it something with three letters. I build a swing set in the backyard, then you get someone to fix it so it’s not a safety hazard, and we babysit your nieces and nephews because they love their aunt so much, and they love to driv
e her nuts. I wait six months to propose, and it’s so romantic and amazing that you definitely say yes this time, because you can’t resist my charm. How does that all sound to you?”
“Crazy.”
“You like my crazy.”
“Lucky for you.”
He rests his forehead against mine. “I love you.”
My eyelids close, and I bask in the sweetness of his words. He’s said he’s fallen for me, he’s implied love, but he hasn’t flat-out stated it like he does with everything else… so I know just how important this moment is, and just how much he means it. Maybe “family” can mean a million different things. That giving up one version of it doesn’t mean I’m giving family up entirely. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and I like the idea of that, and I can feel my feet rise slightly off the floor as I let myself dream of the possibilities.
“I love you, too.” And because I need a million reassurances, I ask, “Are you sure you are okay with this?”
He squeezes me to him, chest to chest, heart to heart.
“You are my family, Maya. And I can’t wait to start it.”
Epilogue
From the desk of Robert Sterling, CEO
Hey, turns out the brains of the place is going on vacation with his girl, and I’ve gotta pick up the slack ;) Forward all his emails to me, will you?
-Robbie
I slide the Post-it across Coop’s assistant’s computer screen, cap my pen, and whistle my way to the parking garage. Good riddance; he’s been a party pooper for weeks on end, and I told him all he needed was to get a little action to snuff out the blow of getting dumped. (It’s worked for me so far.) Instead of taking my brilliant advice, he professed his love and hooked a ball and chain around his leg. If I’m as smart as I know I am, then I’d bet that he’s planning to put a ring on it before they get back.
I hop into my Maserati and head over to Coop’s for one last night before he jet-sets on outta here. He’s got a pile and a half of papers to approve, and I’m not letting him leave me to it. I’m good at running things, talking up clients, and making the money that we’re swimming in—I’m just not the one to call when that money needs to be managed.
Traffic isn’t too bad considering it’s six on a Friday. I take the main highway past a giant building that houses one of the fastest growing women’s magazine’s in the country. I’ve been dying to get some of our client’s ads in there, but I gotta schmooze the editor in chief over there first. I hear she’s single.
Coop is lodged up at a hotel with Maya until he gets a place of his own in her hometown. He said he finally locked down on something, but it’ll take another few months to get it up to code. I’d wonder if Maya was just in it for the monetary perks if I hadn’t met her. I’m an expert in spotting the gold diggers and knew Coop was safe the minute Maya picked the picture she did from the test shoot. She picked the one that Coop looked the best in, not her. She definitely had better shots—not that she had any unflattering ones—but I found it sorta interesting that she chose one that focused more on him. As much as I hate seeing my brother torn away from bachelorhood, he found someone worth giving it up for.
I drive past the garage gate and park next to Maya’s VW bug. A chuckle rises from my gut from just the image of my big brother trying to squeeze into that thing.
The girl at the front desk has a gorgeous smile as I pass, and I make a mental note to talk to her on my way out. The few months in mountain city may have been successful for him when it came to dating, but it left me pretty high and dry. I’m anxious to get back on the horse now that the Cozy King deal is done and I’m back in the hustle and bustle of the city.
I take the elevator up to the top suites, slapping the thick manila folder against my palm and whistling along with the numbers as they climb and climb. The doors open to a silent hallway, and my footfalls echo around me as I make my way to room 810.
“It’s huge, Cooper,” I hear Maya’s voice through the door, and I pause halfway into knocking. “How in the world did you fit that in your mouth?”
“Determination,” my brother answers. “And a craving for meat.”
My eyes bulge, and I rap a knuckle against the wood, holding back a smile for when I get some context around their conversation.
Maya opens the door, her mouth splitting wide when she sees me. “Hey Robbie,” she says, circling her arms around my shoulders in greeting. Ain’t gonna lie, that took me some getting used to. Coop and I were never a hugging type of family, but as soon as he locked Maya down for the long haul, she became extremely relaxed around me. Her eyes don’t even travel to my scar anymore.
“Babe, your brother’s here,” she calls over her shoulder.
“Send him away! My vacation started when I left the office.”
She makes a face, her nose scrunching up and her tongue slightly poking out as she waves me inside. I like her more and more every time I see her.
“He’s in a mood, huh?”
“Oh he’s grumpy because I’m making fun of him.” She brings up a maroon book, our high school name embossed on the cover. “If he didn’t want to laugh, then he shouldn’t have shown me this.”
A chuckle rumbles in the back of my throat and I swap the paperwork Coop’s gotta sign for the yearbook. “You checking out the hot dog eating contest pictures?”
“It was the only picture there was of him aside from the class pictures.”
I follow her into the suite, flipping through the pages for that particular section. Coop was known for his big mouth and his math scores; high school isn’t anyone’s finest hour, but for him, it especially wasn’t. I’m surprised he’s letting Maya look through it at all. He must really love her.
“Did you get to the class picture yet?”
“No, she hasn’t,” Cooper says as he comes out of the bedroom, his eyes begging me to keep my trap shut, but he should know by now that it’s my job as a younger brother to screw with him.
“He had the worst haircut. You gotta see this one, Maya.”
“It is not as bad as your emo phase.”
Maya giggles at us, sidling up to me and looking over my shoulder as she hands off the paperwork to Cooper. The moment I find his pic and slap my finger to it, she presses her lips together.
“It’s okay, you can laugh,” I tell her, flicking my gaze up to Coop just in time to see him flip me the bird.
But she doesn’t laugh, only lifts her puppy-dog-like eyes to my brother. “You were so cute.”
“Cute?” I counter, ignoring the look of arrogance Coop is now giving me. “He looks like a Backstreet Boy.”
“Don’t you dare knock BSB,” Maya scolds, and I shake my head. Teasing him isn’t going to be easy when he’s got a sexy woman here to stroke his ego. He better realize how lucky he is.
“You hold onto her,” I tell him, closing the book and dropping it on the coffee table. There’s a weird, heavy weight that’s settling in my gut, and I run a hand over my stomach to alleviate the pressure. It’s not that I’m not happy for my brother that he’s found his other half. It’s more like I’m reminded that things are going to be different, and I’ll be honest, life gets lonely as hell when you go from being the main wheel to the third.
I gotta find myself a life outside of work.
“Oh!” Maya says suddenly, jerking me out of my thoughts. “I think my phone charger is in the bag I left in the car.” A tinkle of metal reaches my ears as she stretches across the kitchen bar for the car keys. “I’ll be right back.”
Cooper looks up from the forms in his hands. “Coming with you.”
“I’ll be quick.”
“It’s late, and you’re heading into a parking garage. It’s non-negotiable.”
She laughs and slips on her flip flops even though it’s pretty cold out there. Coop sets the papers next to the yearbook and puts his own shoes on.
“There’s food in the fridge if you want,” he tells me. I let out an annoyed sigh.
“I need your
signature on those.”
“I know, I know.” He slips into his jacket. “We’ll be fast.”
The door clicks shut, and I slump into the couch and get comfortable. I know this whole thing with Maya is new, and his priorities are gonna be all over the place for a while, but knowing that doesn’t stop me from worrying that he’ll let his work go from only priority, to last. I can’t lose my numbers guy.
I lean forward and tap the edge of the forms, eyes drifting over to the yearbook. I’m in that one, more than just my class picture, too. I got a full spread on the prom page.
Checking to make sure Maya and Coop aren’t already making their way back, I reach for the book and flip through until I find the dance sections. We got a full-color yearbook that year, something that the committee was excited about. I know because one of my best friends was editor, and when she found out, she tackle hugged me in the hallway so hard I bruised.
The prom page is littered with collage pictures of horrible dancing and cheesy grins, none cheesier than the one I’m donning under my crown with Kendyl Green smiling next to me as queen. She was the one, at least for that year. My heart thuds thick and heavy as I remember that night, how blissfully unaware I was to someone else’s feelings. Someone who meant a lot to me, too, but after that we just… we were never the same.
I flip past that page, knowing she isn’t on it; she wasn’t there that night—my fault—and I get to the sophomore class and stop on the Ys.
Just one picture, and I can see her in my mind as clearly as I did when we walked through those halls together. Mousey, bushy brown hair, thick-framed glasses, green and blue braces, and she always wore a pair of brightly colored hoop earrings that could double as bracelets on her thin wrists. Though I can only see her top half in the picture, I remember the lead stains between her thumb and forefinger from twisting her pencil round and round as she processed everything before writing it down. I remember her brightly colored tights and overall/rompers. I remember her toe socks, her rainbow colored backpack, her very un-cute laugh. I remember her dropping everything on a dime to help me out with a problem, hanging out on Friday nights and trying to convince her into toilet papering a house. She was probably the best friend I ever had, and I was a blind, stupid ass who didn’t know any better.
