“It’s just the product launch, it’s coming up fast. Everybody’s stressed.”
Penny frowned and folded her arms. “What kind of idiot do you think I am?”
Maybe—it was a stupid idea and probably showed how emotionally unbalanced I was at the moment, but—I was desperate to do anything to distract her. How did I know I could trust Penny with my feelings, and with this information, after all that she’d done? Maybe if I flirted with her, it would soften her and throw her off the scent enough that I could get her out of the damn house. I’d deal with the consequences later.
“I don’t think you’re an idiot.” I gave her a slow smile. “I do think that you’re looking great tonight, though.”
“Okay, cut the crap, something is definitely wrong with you.” Penny rolled her eyes. “You think I don’t know when someone’s flirting with me to get something from me? And you, John, are not interested in me. You made that perfectly clear and while I was pissed off about it, I wasn’t confused. What are you trying to do here?”
“Get you to stop asking questions,” I muttered, feeling miserable.
Penny sighed, both exasperated and sympathetic. “John, seriously, talk to me. I want to be here for you as your friend. I mean that.”
Could I trust her with this? Or would she find a way to use it against me and attack me? Judge me?
But I had to talk to someone about it, and there was no one else. I broke down.
“Izzi’s pregnant,” I blurted out, my voice thick with fear. “We were stupid. I was stupid. I blamed her, and it was so—fuck I was panicking, and it was so wrong of me, I told her off, said she should’ve been on birth control—as if I wasn’t an adult—the older one! The more responsible one! I should’ve—but I didn’t, and now I’ve gone and been a complete asshole to her. Twice. I’m just… fuck.”
I rubbed at my forehead. “I’m scared,” I admitted. “I really care about her, and all I can think about now is—is how I held Laura’s hand and then the doctors—and I just had to sit there and wait until they told me that they’d lost her—”
Penny put her hand on my arm. “That must be terrifying. I can’t even imagine.”
Honestly, I was shocked. I thought she would’ve lectured me.
“This situation couldn’t have been better designed to throw you for a loop,” Penny admitted ruefully. “But panicking isn’t going to help you. Let’s get you some tea or coffee and we’ll discuss this.”
I was surprised by her compassion. “I have to say this… this isn’t how I thought you would react.”
Penny looked ashamed. “I know how you thought I would react. And you deserve to think that way. I’ve been absolutely horrible to you these last few weeks. Horrible, and selfish, and unfair. I got so… tunnel-visioned over things I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.”
“But then I—and I’m ashamed to say this—I went to see Izzi. And she gave me a good telling off. And she was absolutely right in the things she said. I realized how unfair I had been to you and our friendship. I thought about—how Angelica and I are together, about our interactions, how obvious and instant your attraction to Izzi was, and I realized that you and I work better as friends than as romantic partners.”
The relief that I felt was visceral. “Thank you. I value our friendship and I value you. And if I ever made you feel like I didn’t, then I’m sorry. If I could’ve felt something romantic for you, I would have ages ago. And I’m sorry that it won’t work out that way for us.”
Penny squeezed my arm. “Thank you. I appreciate it, seriously. But I’ve been selfish and it’s time for me to be a good friend and focus on what you need. So, let’s talk.”
She led me into the kitchen and got us some tea. I didn’t ordinarily drink tea, except for when I sometimes wanted something to drink that wouldn’t keep me up all night like coffee.
“I understand your fears,” Penny went on. “They’re valid ones and I don’t know that I could dispel them completely. But then, it’s not my job to dispel them. The person you should be talking about this with is Izzi.”
“I kind of botched that,” I admitted with a grimace. I explained to her what I’d said and how it had gone down, and then how I’d fired Andrew for cozying up to her.
Penny put her face in her hands. “I’m… John, I expect better from you.”
“I know, I know. I don’t know how to fix it. And I don’t fucking trust Andrew.”
“Look, you’ve been around Andrew, I don’t know the guy, so I’m trusting your judgment on that one. But you can’t go around firing people!” Penny sighed. “You need to talk to Izzi about this. I’m sure she’ll be understanding. But you have to face this fear of history repeating itself.”
“What if it does, though?”
“Well, first of all, would you rather it repeat itself while you two are together and happy? Or while she’s alone and upset and you’re not seeing each other? Because it sounds to me like one way or another, she’s keeping this baby, so now you have a choice to be there as the father or not. And I think, even with all the pain losing Izzi would cause, you would rather have a few happy months with her than none at all.”
Penny laid her hand on my arm again, reaching across the table where we’d seated ourselves. “John. Izzi seems like a good girl. She’s principled, she stands up for herself, and Angelica can’t stop talking about her. Maybe you should just… throw caution to the wind and see where this goes. Because I think that if you don’t at least give this a try, you’ll regret it.”
Penny’s voice was gentle but firm. “After all, if you don’t give your relationship a shot now, aren’t you just losing her anyway? Even if she survives the pregnancy? She’s not going to take you back if you wait until after.”
“And what if I am with her, and the worst happens?”
“Then you will find a way to get through it. But you need to stop being in the past. People here, in front of you right now, love you and need you. You need to stop fixating on what happened to Laura and appreciate those people before they lose patience and go.”
This was the kind of straight-shooting I had always appreciated Penny for. She’d been using it against me, for lack of a better term, with this whole trying to date me thing, but now she was using it in the way I had always appreciated: to give me the harsh truths that nobody else would.
“Thanks, Penny.” I sipped my tea. “For everything. I’ll think about what you said.”
“You damn well better. You have two girls who need you. Possibly three.” Penny winked at me.
I groaned.
“Too soon?”
“Too soon.”
Penny squeezed my hand and got up. “I’ll leave you to your thoughts. Consider it, okay?”
“I will.”
After she left, I sat with my tea, sipping it slowly and contemplating.
Penny had a good point. What if I did lose Izzi, would I want that to be after a few months of happiness or a few months of separation and misery? And if I kept us apart and then she survived, she wasn’t likely to welcome me into her life. Possibly into my child’s life, I didn’t think Izzi would deny me that, but she was an opinionate and strong-willed woman—which I appreciated about her—and she wouldn’t appreciate the lack of faith I’d had all those months, letting her go through her pregnancy alone.
But I did know one thing that Penny was wrong about. If I did lose her the way I lost Laura, I wouldn’t survive this time. I loved her, and I couldn’t go through that again. I just couldn’t.
Now it was up to me to decide where to go with that.
30
Izzi
Emma kept telling me I was moping.
I was not moping.
What I was doing was taking a well-deserved week off of work for some vacation time. I had Andrew and my new hires in the marketing department doing good work on the launch. Everything was in place, so really, I didn’t have to do much. It was crunch time for the product release department, market
ing had already done most of our side of the work.
So, I was taking a little vacation and staying at home, so that I could avoid seeing John every day and I could take some ‘me’ time as I worked through my morning sickness.
Speaking of which, my first ultrasound appointment was coming up. I wasn’t looking forward to it. Well, I was, but—this was something I should be doing with John. Emma was coming along instead and of course I loved her and was glad she was there to support me, but she wasn’t the baby’s parent. The baby’s parent should be with me.
The thought made me want to cry. Everything was making me cry lately and it was extremely frustrating. I prided myself as someone who could control her emotions and be mature. It was how you had to be in a professional setting, especially when you were young and wanted to be taken seriously. And now I was just a big hormonal mess who cried at dog commercials and had crazy food cravings.
I got another call from Emma and I knew I needed to pick up. I’d been avoiding her, avoiding everyone really, so that nobody would figure out how down in the dumps I was.
“Hello?” I answered, trying to sound as chipper and normal as possible.
Obviously I’d failed because Emma’s response was, “Oh boy.”
“Oh boy what?” I asked. Then I sniffled, and my entire charade was ruined.
“Right, I’m going over there.”
“No, no, I’m fine, you really don’t—”
The call ended. Damn it.
Far faster than she should have gotten here—was she already on her way when she called me? Or had she just broken a bunch of speed limits—Emma was practically kicking my door down.
“I really regret giving you a key right now,” I called from where I was curled up on the couch in front of the television.
“No, you don’t.” Emma yanked open the curtains to let in the light and I hissed like a vampire. Emma just rolled her eyes and began cleaning my apartment.
There was an assortment of takeout containers, pizza boxes, and ice cream pints scattered around, all of which were dutifully picked up and carried out to the dumpster along with the mountains of tissues I’d used. Emma opened a window, lit a few candles to make the place smell nice, and vacuumed, all while I lay curled up on the couch.
“You look like some kind of swamp creature,” Emma noted as she carried the vacuum past me.
I stuck my tongue out at her, and then realized that I probably would look like a horrible swamp creature in a few months with my big fat feet and my big fat stomach and without John to help me through it and I burst into tears again.
I really, really hated feeling like this.
“Oh my God. You’re not a swamp creature!” Emma put the vacuum away. “You’re a smart, beautiful, caring woman. There’s no need to be moping around like this. Is that any way to behave when he’s the one acting like a child? You need to hold your head up high and know you did nothing wrong! Make him see how unaffected you are, make him grovel!”
“I really don’t see how I can do that.”
Emma grabbed my hands and dragged me up to standing. “Just you wait. I’m going to fix everything.”
“I wasn’t aware you’d gotten magic powers in the last twenty-four hours.”
“Ha, ha, ha. Ye of little faith. Into the shower with you.”
“I’m fine!”
“No, you stink.” Emma waved her hand in front of her face.
I glared at her. “Y’know, you’re the one who invited yourself over.”
Emma just dragged me—literally, holy shit she was strong—into the bathroom. “Shower!”
She closed the door firmly behind me.
I hated to admit that Emma was right about this, since I was in such an ornery mood, but the shower really did help. I felt like a human again by the time I emerged. I was actually clean again, and I’d had a good cry that was hidden by the warm shower spray, which actually felt similar to a massage and had calmed me down.
And hey, while I was in here, why not pamper myself a little? I deserved it. I used my nice lotion, shaved my legs, stayed an extra few minutes under the spray. It did wonders—not that I would be admitting this out loud to Emma.
I had a feeling she knew anyway, she was annoyingly observant like that and she knew me too well by now.
When I emerged from the bathroom, I found that Emma had picked out one of my most flattering outfits, a dark blue dress that was just casual and professional enough to be worn for the office but was still nicer than what I would usually wear to go into work.
“Put this on,” Emma instructed.
“Why?”
“Well, first of all, studies have shown that dressing up nicely does help boost your mental health and self-esteem,” Emma replied. “Second of all, because you’re going to go and get your man.”
“What!?” I fairly shrieked, dropping the dress in alarm.
Emma sighed patiently. “Izzi, you are not a shrinking violet. You never have been. You decided you wanted to work at your father’s company even though you knew he wouldn’t like it and you convinced him to let you have the job anyway. You wanted John and you went after him and you got him. You were put as head of an empty marketing department and you’ve hired new people and headed the launch of a new product, basically on your own, because you weren’t going to let yourself fail.
“You’re a badass. And now, you’re fighting for not just yourself, but your child. Don’t you want them to have their father in their life? You need to fight for that, like I know you can be. You’ve been fearless from the get-go. Don’t trip now that you’re almost at the finish line.”
“I feel like the finish line is farther away than ever.”
“Hell no.” Emma shook her head. “You have to make an effort, Izzi! Think about it.” She took my hands in hers. “Right now, John’s scared. He needs reassurance. If you just let him go, what’s he going to think? I know he’s lashing out and he’s not handling it well but if you really want him, you need to show him that you won’t put up with that bullshit and you’re going to work this out. I know it’s hard. I know it might even feel humiliating. But if you want to get your man, then go and get him.”
I must have still looked a little unsure, because Emma gave me a small smile. “Wouldn’t you at least like to know that you did everything you could? That you never gave up and you didn’t back down?”
There was that. To know that I’d fought for us, for our love and our child and our future together as a family—right up until the end.
“All right.” I took a deep breath. “It’s worth one more shot at least, right?”
“That’s the spirit!” Emma assured me. “Go get your man.”
Right. Go get my man. I could do this.
31
John
To say I was surprised when Izzi showed up at my office was an understatement. I knew she’d been taking some vacation time, and honestly, I wouldn’t have been shocked if that week off was followed by a letter of resignation.
Garrett and I weren’t speaking, so who knew what he thought of all of this, but through the office grapevine I was aware that the general consensus was that Izzi had needed the break after the stress of suddenly being head of marketing and running this campaign with just herself while she trained new hires. Nobody was inclined to blame her for it and most people seemed to think she’d earned it. That was good, at least.
Did Garrett know about the pregnancy? I hadn’t known about it at the time, so I hadn’t told him and Izzi hadn’t, as far as I knew. She hadn’t when Garrett had stormed over to her place at least, and who could blame her for keeping it secret when her father was acting like that?
Of course, she could have told him since then…
I didn’t know. I hadn’t seen Izzi or spoken to her and Garrett was avoiding me, so all I knew was that she was on ‘vacation’ and I was the only one who knew the real reason why. I’d hurt her and I’d been an asshole, and it was all on me.
I just wish
I knew how to fix this.
And then—she was in my office.
“Knock, knock.” Izzi offered up a tentative smile. She wore a beautiful blue dress, just flouncy enough to be fun, but with a top that showed off her gorgeous breasts and collarbones. “Do you have a moment?”
I was in such shock that she was standing there, it took me a moment to answer. “Um, yes, come on in.”
I closed the door behind her.
“Not to be rude,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “I’m just surprised… why are you here? I thought. Well.” I gestured at myself. “I didn’t exactly make you feel… I haven’t been all that thoughtful lately.”
Izzi seemed surprised that I was in such an open mood. “I’m glad you’ve realized that. I’m here because I want to fight for our future.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I’m not ready to give up on us. I know we have issues, but it’s time to sort them out.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but Izzi kept talking, cutting me off.
“You have hesitations about your past, and I understand that. I’ve never lost someone like you did and so I don’t know that grief, that pain. I can’t understand. But I do know that you can’t let your past define your life forever, or you’ll never be able to enjoy your present. You won’t have a future. And I think we could have a future, a good future, together.”
“It’s not easy as all that,” I pointed out. I ached to go to her, to give and say yes, yes we could be together, but it didn’t work like that. This wasn’t like a movie where all the leads had to do was profess their love and it would all be okay, every problem solved. “There are too many obstacles—”
“You’ve been using that excuse for a while,” Izzi pointed out, interrupting me. “Luckily, I came prepared. I’m going to get rid of those obstacles.”
I didn’t see how she could possibly do all of that, but Izzi had the same determined gleam in her eye that she’d gotten when she’d wanted this job at the company, and when she’d seduced me in the conference hotel room, and I had a feeling she wasn’t going to be deterred on this, either.
Daddy's Best Friend (Forbidden Temptations) Page 19
