Here Comes the Clown
Page 25
So here we are at the end of the book. What have we learned about me and show business, apart from the fact that we are most likely ill-suited? I wish there were some clear rules that I could share with you to help if you are just starting out, but the truth is there just aren’t any. Do what you love, commit to it and try to retain as much control as possible. All the rest is chance.
I live for the private moments that make me laugh until I can’t breathe, moments almost impossible to get onto the screen. I live for the beauty. But the things that make me the happiest in life? Family, travel, adventure, new experiences . . . Comedy doesn’t really come into it.
I was once at Cheltenham Races as a guest of the Independent. As we quaffed free champagne in our private box high above the punters, I looked down. Far below, trying to make his way through the crowd was a poor man who had clearly been paid by the racecourse to dress up as the Gold Cup. Punters were laughing at him, knocking him over and throwing drinks at him. ‘That’s me in a couple of years . . .’ I said to Simon Kelner, pointing at the wretch. Simon and the rest of the box laughed a little too hard for my liking.
Who knows . . . For now, I’m just going with Teddy Roosevelt, a man who lost both his wife and mother on the same day but stayed magnificently resilient to the end:
It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
Onwards . . .
List of Illustrations
1. Me and Sam in the first Trigger Happy TV photo shoot.
2. Trigger Happy hitchhiker.
3. ‘Hello, is that Rentokil? I have a large rat in my flat . . .’ – Trigger Happy TV.
4. Transmission card for the second series of Trigger Happy TV.
5. Robert Smith in my kitchen, Notting Hill.
6. ‘Now that . . . is shit . . .’ Cairo – World Shut Your Mouth.
7. British Bob at the bottom of the Grand Canyon – World Shut Your Mouth.
8. Celebrating the end of shooting Ian Brown’s ‘Golden Gaze’ video on the roof of Absolutely, London.
9. Shit Fingers, Mexico – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
10. Pete and I join an armed biker gang in Australia – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
11. Miami Nice. Me and Pete on South Beach – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
12. Les Boys do cabaret . . . Me and Pete in Munich – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
13. Camping in the Syrian Desert – Dom Joly’s Excellent Adventure.
14. Me and Gordon Brown on a seriously hot night in Beijing – photo taken by Sarah Brown.
15. About to dance live in front of the nation for Comic Relief with my underwhelming baggy pants.
16. About to sneak into Liz Hurley’s grounds – Deadline.
17. A rare moment with Tom Daley – Splash!
18. Me and Stacey, Mexico.
19. Coming out of the jungle to find that Shaun Ryder had adopted my son, Jackson – I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
20. Parker and Stacey Solomon in the hideous Versace Hotel, Australia – I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
21. Me in heaven, diving off cliffs on Lake Joseph, Muskoka, Ontario.
22. The ASBO Vicar – Fool Britannia.
23. ‘Wot you looking at?’ Watermelon, Glasgow – Fool Britannia.
24. Stupidly sunburnt man and Paul Young, Benidorm – Fool Britannia.
25. Reason you don’t go on Total Wipeout, Buenos Aires.
26. About to ski down a live volcano in a show Channel 5 never bothered to air – Rough Guide to Nicaragua.
27. The hopeful moments before the fall – Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
28. The kebab to give you nightmares forever – Fool Britannia.
1. Me and Sam in the first Trigger Happy TV photo shoot.
2. Trigger Happy hitchhiker.
3. ‘Hello, is that Rentokil? I have a large rat in my flat . . .’ – Trigger Happy TV.
4. Transmission card for the second series of Trigger Happy TV.
5. Robert Smith in my kitchen, Notting Hill.
6. ‘Now that . . . is shit . . .’ Cairo – World Shut Your Mouth.
7. British Bob at the bottom of the Grand Canyon – World Shut Your Mouth.
8. Celebrating the end of shooting Ian Brown’s ‘Golden Gaze’ video on the roof of Absolutely, London.
9. Shit Fingers, Mexico – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
10. Pete and I join an armed biker gang in Australia – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
11. Miami Nice. Me and Pete on South Beach – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
12. Les Boys do cabaret . . . Me and Pete in Munich – Dom Joly’s Happy Hour.
13. Camping in the Syrian Desert – Dom Joly’s Excellent Adventure.
14. Me and Gordon Brown on a seriously hot night in Beijing – photo taken by Sarah Brown.
15. About to dance live in front of the nation for Comic Relief with my underwhelming baggy pants.
16. About to sneak into Liz Hurley’s grounds – Deadline.
17. A rare moment with Tom Daley – Splash!
18. Me and Stacey, Mexico.
19. Coming out of the jungle to find that Shaun Ryder had adopted my son, Jackson – I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
20. Parker and Stacey Solomon in the hideous Versace Hotel, Australia – I’m A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here!
21. Me in heaven, diving off cliffs on Lake Joseph, Muskoka, Ontario.
22. The ASBO Vicar – Fool Britannia.
23. ‘Wot you looking at?’ Watermelon, Glasgow – Fool Britannia.
24. Stupidly sunburnt man and Paul Young, Benidorm – Fool Britannia.
25. Reason you don’t go on Total Wipeout, Buenos Aires.
26. About to ski down a live volcano in a show Channel 5 never bothered to air – Rough Guide to Nicaragua.
27. The hopeful moments before the fall – Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
28. The kebab to give you nightmares forever – Fool Britannia.