"I didn't hear you complaining a few minutes ago." She twirled some noodles around her fork and popped them into her mouth. "Yum. These are delicious."
Nathan poured food from several other cartons onto a plate, heated it up in the microwave, and then sat down next to her.
"Ooh, I want some of that, too," she said, eyeing the Mongolian beef on his plate.
He playfully pushed her fork away. "You like it cold, remember?"
"I like it hot, too," she said, making a quick move to spear a piece of beef. She put it into her mouth and savored the hot, spicy flavors. "Everything tastes so good when you're hungry."
"And you've just had really good sex," he said dryly.
"That, too," she agreed with a laugh. "Why didn't we ever do that before?"
A shutter came down over his eyes. "You know why. Do you want something to drink?" he asked, getting back up and moving toward the fridge.
She decided to follow his change of subject. "What do you have?"
"Beer, orange juice, water from the tap?"
"I'll take some orange juice."
He filled two glasses and brought them over.
"I'm sorry I brought the past up," she said, taking a sip of juice.
"We are our past. There's no escaping it. If anything has been proven the last few days, it's that."
"I know." They ate in silence for the next few minutes, and she didn't know how to get things back on track. By the time she had finished her noodles, she was starting to get annoyed. "You always did this," she said.
"Did what?" he asked warily.
"Get close to me, be all funny and sweet and then you'd shut it down. You'd back away, give me some scowling look, and disappear for a few weeks."
"I didn't do that."
"Oh, yes, you did—a lot. And you're doing it right now. You let me in and now you have to push me back out."
"It's not like you ever wanted to stay in," he said tersely.
"Why do you say that?"
"You were with Johnny."
"I'm not going to try to rewrite history. Yes, I was infatuated with Johnny for a time. We both know that. But he never had anything to do with you and me. It wasn't like he broke us up. You were shutting me out long before Johnny came along. I thought when I first saw you again in high school, when we reconnected, that I was so lucky because I had my friend back, this wonderful guy who I could count on, who I could be myself with. And you were back for a while. Then you disappeared again. It was actually while you were on one of your long breaks from me that I got involved with Johnny."
"So, now that's my fault?"
"I didn't mean it like that. I'm just telling you how it felt on my end."
He stared back at her, dark emotion in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't get the words out. "Let's not talk about this now."
"Why not?"
"Because I want the again and again and again that you mentioned before to happen, and I don't think this conversation is leading in that direction."
"I actually think clearing up past misunderstandings would be a good thing. Let's be completely honest with each other."
He groaned. "Complete honesty, huh?"
"Yes. And we're not just going to discuss your hatred of Brussels sprouts, although I think I could convince you that they can be good if you eat them the way I cook them."
"I've tried every way."
"Fine. Getting back to more important issues. I know you disapproved of a lot of my choices back in the day. And I know that I deserved some of that disapproval. I acted impulsively. I jumped into relationships, so I wouldn't have to be alone. I was scared of the silence, the quiet. It gave me too much time to think, to stress, to be aware of how bad my life was."
"I know your childhood was hard, Bree."
"It was lonely," she said, feeling that deep, wrenching ache of memory. "I always felt as if I were on an island. There were people around me, but they weren't really with me. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to feel a part of someone else's life. But no one wanted me. Not my family, certainly, and the foster homes that took me in just wanted the cash."
His gaze narrowed. "I'm sorry it was so bad."
"You don't have to be sorry. It wasn't your fault. To be really truthful, it wasn't anyone's fault. I was just born to a mother who couldn't be a mom. And then I decided to make matters worse by following in her footsteps, picking the wrong men, making the same mistakes, getting pregnant when I had no ability to raise a child. I was stupid and reckless, and you could see I was heading for a cliff." She paused. "You were a mirror to my bad decisions. I'd take one look at your face and know I was on the wrong ride. But I couldn't seem to get myself off."
"Was I really that judgmental?" he asked quietly.
"You were—especially that last year before I left. That's why we stopped spending time together. I didn't want to look into your eyes and see everything I was doing wrong. And you probably didn't want to have to watch me screw up. You always walked a moral ground that was much higher than mine."
"That's not true," he said sharply. "You said that before, and it's just wrong."
She wondered why he was suddenly getting so heated. "How is it wrong? Isn't that the reason why you pulled away from me, why we stopped being friends? You didn't want to hang out with someone as messed up as me?"
"No. It's not the reason—not the whole reason anyway." He frowned and shook his head.
"Then why?" she asked, when he didn't seem inclined to continue. "What am I missing?"
He got up from his chair and walked over to the window, staring out at the night.
Suddenly she wondered just what she was digging up. An uneasy feeling was moving through her, but it was too late to backtrack. Whatever was in his head, whatever he was holding back, she needed to hear it.
She stood up and walked over to him. "Nathan, talk to me."
He turned to look at her, and there was a new torment in his eyes.
"What is wrong?" she asked in bewilderment. "What did I say?"
"You didn't say anything."
"Then why is there so much pain in your eyes?"
His jaw tightened. "I've never told anyone."
Her uneasiness deepened. "Told anyone what?"
"What happened."
"Then tell me," she urged. "Tell me now."
He hesitated for a long minute. "I didn't pull away from you because I didn't approve of your decisions. Not that I agreed with all of them, but I had a far more selfish reason. I didn't want to have to lie to you."
"Lie to me?" Now she was confused. "You're going to need to spell this out, Nathan. You're being too cryptic. Why would you have had to lie to me?"
He folded his arms across his chest, as if he were putting on some armor. "Because when we talked, we didn't hold back. We were honest with each other. Sometimes brutally so. No topic was ever off-limits."
"That was what was so great about us. What I missed the most. Why did you have to shut me down?"
"Because I had a secret."
"What kind of a secret?" she asked, surprised by his words.
"It had to do with my stepfather."
Her gut clenched. She knew his stepfather had been a horrible person, so whatever this secret was, it had to be bad. "Okay," she said tentatively. "Can you tell me now?"
"When my mother married my stepfather, I was ten and Josie was eight. My mom thought she was giving us a father after my real dad died. But she gave us a monster. She put us into a trap we could not get out of. My mother didn't have the strength or the will to get us away from him. She was convinced we couldn’t survive without him. That's why she kept going back to him."
Her heart turned over in her chest, seeing in his eyes now the painful young boy she'd first met, the one who'd been so consumed with trying to protect his mom and sister from the evil that lived with them. "I know he hurt you all a lot."
"Yes. He almost killed my mom twice. I watched her go from a vibrant,
happy woman to a sad, despairing shell of herself. And Josie was…" His jaw tightened. "She had to endure even more pain than I did."
She waited for him to go on, sensing that there was a lot more coming, because she had known most of what he'd just said already.
"So, you know he died in a car accident," Nathan continued.
She nodded. "We were having pizza when you got the call from your mom."
"It wasn't exactly an accident."
His dark words stirred her uneasiness. "I know you were not driving the car that hit him, Nathan. You were with me that night."
"Yes, but earlier that day, two men had come by the house looking for my stepfather. They worked for a bookie named Jose Ortiz. They told me if my stepfather didn't pay up, he was going to get hurt really bad. I guess they thought that I would encourage him to pay so that wouldn't happen."
She heard the hard note in his voice and had a feeling where all this was going, but she had to let him get there on his own.
"I almost didn't say anything. I almost let them leave. They were at their car when I ran out of the house and down to the sidewalk. I told them if they wanted to talk to him, they could find him at Smokey's Bar on Sycamore. And then I went back inside. My mom was in the kitchen. She was upset because she'd been so depressed she hadn't cleaned the house that day, and she was crying that my stepfather was going to be mad. I helped her with the dishes and told her not to worry, hoping that that night would end differently than the others." Nathan drew in a breath. "Nothing happened for hours. I waited for my stepfather to show up or for us to get a call, but neither occurred. I went to meet you for pizza, thinking that my big plan was a bust. I thought they'd let him off the hook. I thought things might be even worse once he realized I'd told them where he was."
"But they hadn't let him off the hook," she guessed. "They ran him down with a car."
"Yes. I heard they went into the bar, and my stepfather was stinking drunk and belligerent. Witnesses said there was an argument, but that my stepfather left on his own. He was hit two blocks away, and no one saw anything. He died in the middle of the street. And when my mom called me down to the hospital, she was crying, but I saw relief in her eyes. She wasn't going to have to worry anymore."
"You never told her you sent the men there."
"No. I never told anyone, not even Josie—until now."
She was humbled by his trust in her. "I'm glad you told me," she whispered.
He met her gaze. "I wasn't driving the car, Bree, but I knew they were going to hurt him, maybe kill him, and I helped it happen. When the police came around, I never mentioned the men coming to the house. I pretended I didn't know anything about his debts. My mom didn't have to pretend, because he had kept her in the dark. And Josie was so drugged out of her mind half the time, she was just glad she could finally sleep at home again." He drew in a ragged breath. "When I realized how much weight was lifted off of us after his death, I wished I'd found a way to get rid of him sooner. I'd had chances to kill him myself, but I never did. I hated myself for being weak."
"Oh, Nathan, you weren’t weak."
"How else do you explain it?"
"You're not a killer. It's not easy to take someone's life. That's why most people can't do it."
"It should have been easy; he hurt us so badly."
Her heart went out to the guilty anguish in his eyes. "You were a boy. And your mother loved that man even when she hated him. I remember how conflicted you were when I first met you. You wanted her to be safe, but you wanted her to be happy. You didn't know how to make both happen at the same time, but that's because you were thirteen."
"I wasn't thirteen forever. Things got worse after we left the shelter."
"You were still young." She moved closer to him and put her hands on his shoulders. "I really wish you'd told me before."
"I couldn't get the words out. You thought I was your mirror of truth. You were mine, too, Bree. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I didn't want you to think I was capable of setting someone up to be killed. I was really no better than Johnny; I just didn't want to admit it."
"So many things make sense now—why you suddenly got so distant. I thought it was all about me. How selfish was that?"
"I wanted you to believe that."
"If I'd known, things would have been different."
"Maybe not."
She frowned at his words. "What does that mean?"
"Since we're being completely honest, I had another reason for staying away from you."
"Your hatred of Johnny?"
"No. My love for you."
Her heartbeat quickened. "You were not in love with me, Nathan."
"I was—helplessly and hopelessly in love with you," he confessed. "I didn't completely understand it at the time. You were my friend as a kid, but then in high school, I just really wanted to kiss you. But if I did that, I knew we wouldn't be friends…so I didn't know how to act around you."
"You never said anything. You never even hinted. You had other girls around, too."
"I knew you didn't feel that way about me. I had to hang onto a little of my pride. Then Johnny came into the picture, and there was no reason to say anything. You'd made your choice."
"Made my choice? You didn't give me a choice."
"You know what I mean." He raised a hand as she opened her mouth. "Before you say anything else, I want to make something perfectly clear."
"What's that?" she asked warily.
He wrapped his arms around her. "Tonight was not about the past. We have a history, yes, and it's complicated, but being with you tonight was about the present. I was living in the moment."
"So was I," she murmured, happy with his words. "And you're right; it wasn't about the past. We are not the same people we were when we were thirteen or sixteen or eighteen. We've grown up. We've built lives. We've become our own people. We weren't ready to be together when we were teenagers. I'm really glad we came together now. I don’t have any regrets."
He leaned down and gave her a long, tender kiss. "I have never regretted a minute with you, Bree."
"That might be overstating things," she said with a smile.
"Not a minute—not when we were fighting, not when we were making up games, not even when we were playing strip poker, which, by the way, just about killed me. I don't know how I got through that night."
"Our game got broken up."
"Right. That's how I survived." He tilted his head, giving her a thoughtful look. "I really can't believe you never knew how I felt about you."
"I knew things felt weird at times between us, but I wasn't the most perceptive person at that point in my life. I guess I was worried about hurting our friendship, too. I also didn't know how to connect with people. I didn't know what sex and love really meant. And I was never confident that anyone would really love me for longer than a minute. I think that's why Johnny swept me away. He was bold in his intentions. He didn't hide how he felt about me. I didn't have to guess. And it felt good to be wanted."
Nathan's gaze darkened. "I wish I'd been able to show you how I felt. I was juggling so many balls, trying to keep my family together, trying to hide my secret. I thought if I said anything about setting up my stepfather to be killed, I might end up in jail, and I knew my mom and Josie wouldn't survive without me."
"I totally get that. It all makes a lot of sense now. We were both broken, Nathan. But we're not broken anymore. We're whole and we're healed. We had our bad times. We got through them, and we'll get through whatever Johnny has in store for us."
"I like that," he said approvingly. "You're right. It's our time now."
"Tomorrow is a new day." She smiled. "Another Nathanism."
"I really did speak in clichés, didn't I?"
She shrugged. "They always made me feel better."
"Well, the sun won't be up for several more hours, so…"
"So…" she echoed, as he gave her a long, hot kiss that stirred her senses.
&n
bsp; But it wasn't just the kiss, it was the honesty they'd shared. She felt a deep connection to Nathan, a sense that being with him was where she was always meant to be.
"Let's take this back into the bedroom," he said. "I want to go slow this time."
"Seriously? You think you can manage that?"
"You're the impatient one," he said with a laugh. "I like to savor things."
"I can savor things, too."
The smile that came out at her words was like the sun appearing after a long, cold Chicago winter. And that's exactly where Nathan had spent most of his life, both literally and figuratively. She'd spent a lot of years there, too. But not anymore.
He kissed her again, and as he pulled her against him, she could feel his need building.
"No way you're going to last," she teased.
"That's because you're so damned beautiful. We'll go slow the next time."
"That's a lot of confidence for an old man of thirty."
He suddenly swept her up in his arms and carried her into the bedroom. "I'll show you what old is…"
"Show me," she said eagerly.
She didn't just want to make love with him—she wanted to drive all the bad away. She wanted to be the one to ease the pain of his life and make him happy.
But what then? They might have a past and a present, but did they have a future?
She shoved that thought out of her head. As Nathan had said, reality would be here soon enough.
Fifteen
Waking up Saturday morning with Bree was a dream come true. But as Nathan watched her sleep in the early morning light, he couldn't help but wonder what condition his heart would be in when this all ended.
Which it would…
Bree was only in Chicago for her daughter, and as he thought about poor little Hayley, he felt guilty that he was worrying for one second about his happiness. Finding that little girl was all that mattered, and with the sun coming up, they needed to get back to it.
He just had to hope that Johnny's anger was toward Bree and not Hayley, that Hayley was safely tucked away somewhere.
Not that it made him feel better to know that Bree was a target, but having seen her in action, he knew she was very capable of defending herself. She didn't need him to protect her, and even though he wanted to do just that, it felt good to know that she wasn't looking for him to be her knight in shining armor.
Reckless Whisper KO PL B Page 17
