What would Jimmy’s reaction be? Would he share my joy?
Jimmy’s future was still uncertain. Not only was he younger than me, but he was just starting out in his career at Hank’s. He was still trying to find solid ground after the year he’d had at school, and this news was enough to rock that foundation off its axis.
Then I thought about the night before. How he told me he was staying in Tolson and the way he made love to me like I was the most important person in the world.
I thought about what it would be like to see Jimmy cradling a newborn, and my stomach swooped. That image was enough to make any woman’s ovaries spontaneously combust.
We could do this. We could be good parents. Sure, we hadn’t been together long, but I was head over heels in love with him.
The fact that this tiny human was half Jimmy gave me the warm fuzzies.
My heart pounded as I thought about how to tell him the news.
Texting was out of the question. I could announce it at dinner tonight. I had all the ingredients for the beef stew he liked.
Trying to make myself presentable, I slipped on my sunflower dress. My hands shook as I brushed out my hair.
The first thing I needed to do was calm down. Having a panic attack wasn’t going to help the situation.
I grabbed my guitar and went out to my front porch. As I sat down on the swing, I let my fingers do the worrying for me as I strummed out a random melody.
I had just started to feel a sense of peace when an unfamiliar car pulled into Beverly’s driveway. The gray car was sleek and new-looking. A girl about my age with shoulder-length strawberry-blonde hair stepped out as she looked at the sage green house. She smoothed down her flowy blue tank top before climbing up the porch steps.
Scooting down in my seat, I tried to keep myself hidden. If there was one useful thing I learned growing up in a small town, it was the ability to spy without being noticed.
She knocked and a minute later, Ernie answered the door. Beverly had gotten discharged from the hospital early this morning with a clean bill of health, but Ernie was refusing to leave her side.
“Hi,” the girl said sweetly, “Is James here?”
“No,” I heard Ernie reply. “He’s down at the shop, I believe.”
“The shop?” she asked.
“Hank’s Auto Shop. He’s probably there if you need to find him.”
“Oh, okay.” The girl smiled before turning to walk away. “I’ll try that. Thank you!”
I had no idea who she was or how she knew Jimmy. But I wanted to find out.
Curiosity got the best of me. As the car zipped away, I decided to follow.
Like a crazy stalker girlfriend, I quickly walked the three blocks. I arrived just in time to see Jimmy and the mystery girl sitting down at a table outside of Buck’s. Tiptoeing to the side of the building, I stood out of sight while I eavesdropped.
“It’s like you fell off the face of the earth these past couple months,” the girl said. “I’ve been worried about you.”
“No need to worry,” Jimmy responded. “Just needed some time to get back on my feet.”
“Ezra’s probably gone crazy without you this summer.” She followed up with a feminine chuckle.
Jimmy laughed. “Yeah. I miss that bonehead.”
The familiarity between them was unmistakable, but nothing about their conversation told me who she was.
“So when are you coming back?” she asked. “You are coming back, right?”
The answer that followed wasn’t what I was expecting.
“Yeah,” Jimmy said. “I can’t wait.”
“When?”
“Sunday,” he replied.
My face screwed up in confusion and my stomach dropped.
He’d just told he was staying here. In Tolson. But thinking to the night before, Jimmy never said he was 100% certain. He seemed so excited, but then I remembered how he’d said his parents wanted him to sleep on it.
Had he changed his mind already?
The rough concrete exterior of the building dug into the skin on my back while I held my breath and waited to hear more.
“So, what’s going on, Erica?” Jimmy asked, his tone neutral.
Erica… Did I know an Erica? I tried to wrack my brain for any time Jimmy might’ve mentioned that name, but I came up with nothing.
“Ezra’s not the only one who misses you, James,” she said quietly.
“Erica—”
“Just hear me out, okay?” she cut him off. “When your parents said you were starting back at State this semester, I knew it was our second chance. And that’s why I’m here. I wanted to talk to you—about us—before we go back to school. We were good together once, and I think we could be again. We’ll be in the same place, so it would make sense for us to get back together…”
The sound of my own pounding heart drowned out the rest of her words as I put two and two together. Erica was Jimmy’s ex. The one he’d been so upset about last year.
She came all the way here to offer him the life he always wanted. A life with her at the college they’d both planned on attending.
A life I couldn’t give him.
If he’d already changed his mind about staying in Tolson… That meant he might’ve changed his mind about me, too. I had no idea what would’ve swayed his decision so suddenly, but the reasons didn’t matter if he was leaving.
Her voice faded away as my feet carried me in the direction of my house. I couldn’t listen to it. I couldn’t listen to Jimmy and his ex-girlfriend’s reunion.
And she was pretty, too, in a refined, elegant sort of way. I could almost imagine them walking hand in hand together on campus. Standing side by side on their graduation day. Getting married and having adorable babies.
Babies.
Placing my hand over my lower belly, I considered the biggest concern of all. What about our baby?
The baby Jimmy didn’t even know about.
As much as I loved Jimmy and wanted him in my life—in our lives—I refused to be a consolation prize. I didn’t want him to stay here out of obligation. If I told him about the pregnancy now and he decided to stay, I would never know if he did it out of a sense of duty.
After I made it through my front door, I sat down at the pathetically tiny kitchen table where we’d shared so many meals together.
I imagined what it would feel like to have him look at me with pity while he explained his change of heart.
Then I imagined the look of horror and disappointment on his face when I told him about the pregnancy, and my gut churned.
Suddenly, that churning turned into nausea and I was bolting for the bathroom. I wasn’t sure if it was morning sickness or because I was so upset, but everything I ate for breakfast came up into the toilet.
After I had nothing left to throw up, I went to my room and curled up on my bed. The sheets smelled like Jimmy. I closed my eyes, and if I tried hard enough I could almost feel him next to me.
I sat up.
I couldn’t be here.
Every room in this house reminded me of Jimmy and the times we’d shared. Every inch of this town had his mark on it.
Overwhelmed, confused, and devastated, I made an impulsive decision.
I decided to do something I was really good at.
I ran.
CHAPTER 45
JIMMY
The last person I expected to see in Tolson was my ex, so imagine my surprise when she showed up at Hank’s Auto Shop, looking extremely out of place in her white capris and high heels.
When she asked me if I had a few minutes to talk, I’d almost been too confused to form a sentence.
And now she sat across from me, rambling on about getting back together, and I felt like I was trapped in some bad episode of The Twilight Zone.
“Well…” She paused, looking unsure. “I was hoping for it, I guess. I’ve had a lot of time to think about us and—”
I cut her off with a shake of my head. “We’re not getting back together.”
“Oh.” Frowning, disappointment was written all over her face. “I just assumed with you coming back to school and all…” She trailed off with a shrug, like it was obvious.
“That I would come running back into your open arms?” I finished for her.
There was no heat or anger behind my question. I had no ill-will toward her, and that was one of the best things about being over someone. No bitterness. No resentment. Just indifference and a mixed bag of memories that would always stay in the past.
She huffed out a laugh. “It sounds kind of silly when you put it like that.”
“It’s not silly,” I told her. “It’s just not gonna happen.”
“So that’s it, then?” she asked, toying with the strap of her purse. “You’re going to stay mad at me forever?”
“I’m not mad at you.” I ran a hand through my hair as I thought about how to explain my feelings. “I’m just… over you.”
“Ouch.” She flinched. After a pause, her next words were laced with regret. “I never should’ve broken up with you.”
“No, you did the right thing. We weren’t right for each other, and I respect the hell out of you for being able to recognize that.”
As I thought about the times we’d had together, a feeling of nostalgia came over me. Football games. Homework. School dances. Movie dates. Curfews.
So many memories.
But the fondness I felt had nothing to do with her.
It was the fact that those memories revolved around a time when life was simpler. When decisions were easier. When the weight of the world didn’t rest on my shoulders.
But even with how good those times were, I wouldn’t trade it for what I had now.
“It’ll be hard seeing you around campus,” she said sadly, reaching across the table to put her hand on my arm.
I moved back because I didn’t want her touching me. As far as I was concerned, every part of my body belonged to Mackenna.
“No, it won’t,” I told her, “because I won’t be there.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, confused. “You just said you were coming back this weekend.”
“I’m not coming back to school. I’m going to my parents’ house to get the rest of my stuff because I’m moving here.”
Eyebrows raised, she looked out at the empty streets of Tolson and I knew what she saw. Through her eyes, it probably just looked like a podunk, nothing-ever-happens-here town.
And that was partly true. But what she couldn’t see were the people I had come to think of as good friends and the pride I felt when I worked at Hank’s.
She couldn’t see the love I felt for the gorgeous-as-fuck girl next door.
Her gaze landed back on me. “So, who is she?”
“Who is who?” I played dumb.
“The girl you’ve obviously fallen in love with.”
Okay, so maybe she could see the love-struck look on my face. Just the thought of saying my girl’s name made me grin. “Mackenna.”
“Wow. You’ve got it bad.” A small smile appeared on Erica’s face, and I was glad that, despite the rejection she was facing, she was happy for me. “Well, I hope she realizes how lucky she is to be with you.”
Still grinning, I shook my head. “No, I’m the lucky one.”
*
After the short conversation, Erica and I said goodbye. The encounter with her had been unexpected, but I felt a pleasant sense of closure on that chapter of my life.
When I got off work, I practically sprinted the three blocks to Mackenna’s house.
Tonight was the night I would finally tell her how I felt. I planned to take Mackenna out to our lane and tell her I loved her.
For weeks I’d been afraid she didn’t feel the same, but after last night I didn’t have doubts about that anymore. The fact that she’d been willing to try long-distance spoke volumes.
My strides slowed when Mackenna’s house came into view because her car was gone. On my way up the porch steps, I shot her text.
Me: Hey, where are you?
Figuring I’d just wait for her to get back, I let myself into her house. I went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. That’s when I saw a note on the kitchen table.
Jimmy,
If you’re reading this letter, then you know that I’m gone.
I’ve never been great at goodbyes, and I want our last memories of each other to be good ones. I’ll never forget the way your hand felt in mine, the way your laugh gave me butterflies, and the way the setting sun lit up your face as you smiled at me. Those are the things I’ll think of whenever I miss you.
This summer, you gave me happiness I didn’t think was possible. You healed something inside of me that I didn’t even realize was broken. And although I always knew our time together was temporary, you showed me what it felt like to be loved, even if it was just for a small moment in time.
It’s important to follow your dreams, regardless of what anyone else wants.
Have confidence in yourself when you go back to Ohio State. You’re smart, passionate, and when you set your mind to something there’s no stopping you.
Best wishes,
Mack
What. The. Fuck.
Confused as shit, I read over the letter at least five times as I paced around her house. Her guitar and laptop were missing from their usual spots. There were no water bottles scattered throughout the living room.
Mackenna was gone.
She wanted me to leave? And she didn’t even stick around to say goodbye face to face. All I got was a lousy fucking letter.
Best wishes? What kind of shit was that?
Why would she do this?
Pulling out my cell phone, I dialed her number. Usually, we texted. But I needed to hear her voice. I needed her to explain to me what the hell she was thinking.
It didn’t even ring. Just went straight to voicemail. I tried again a few more times, knowing the result wasn’t going to be any different. When it was clear that she’d shut her phone off, effectively shutting me out, it felt like my entire ribcage was caving in.
I struggled to breathe as I leaned my elbows on the kitchen counter. I thought I’d experienced heartbreak before, but I was wrong.
What I felt after my last breakup barely registered on the Richter scale.
This was a fucking tsunami.
Slamming the front door so hard the house shook, I stomped down her porch steps and my pain morphed into rage.
I felt the old me rise to the surface, and I needed an outlet for my anger.
The flimsy garbage can was the closest thing to me, and it became my unfortunate target.
My fists landed on the metal over and over again. Every dent was a representation of my mangled heart. It crunched and groaned until it was an unrecognizable heap of steel. At some point, the garbage bag inside burst open and trash went flying everywhere.
I gave it one last kick, realizing the neighbors probably witnessed my meltdown.
I didn’t give a fuck.
Out of breath and drained of energy, I slumped down onto the lawn and hung my head between my legs.
What was I supposed to do now? Wait for Mackenna to come back? Hunt her down, just like her ex?
Then what? Experience what it was like to have her rip my heart out face to face?
I was so fucking confused.
Then my eyes zeroed in on an object in the grass by my foot. A small, th
in white piece of plastic with a pink cap on the end.
I might’ve been a guy, but I knew what it was.
The stick was facedown and my heart raced at what could be on the other side. My hand shook as I reached for it. Pausing, I took a deep breath before quickly flipping it over.
Two pink lines side by side. What did that mean? Was it good? Bad?
Not even caring about what a lunatic I looked like, I crawled around on all fours, searching the garbage for an instruction pamphlet.
I didn’t find it. What I did find was even better—another stick. This one had a blue tip and there were no codes to crack.
Pregnant.
One word, and my whole world flipped upside down.
Mackenna was pregnant. I was going to be a father. Happiness unlike anything I’d ever known filled my body until it was a physical, tangible thing. I could feel it in my heart all the way to my toes.
I wanted this life. With Mackenna. With our baby. We were going to be a family.
But then my stomach lurched.
Is that why she left me that letter? Did she want me to leave because she didn’t think I’d be a good dad? Was I really so much of a fuck-up that she didn’t even think I should stick around to be there for my kid?
I thought Mackenna was different. I thought she saw past the tattoos and the mistakes, and saw me for who I was on the inside.
I took out the letter and read through it again, even though every word was burned into my mind.
She didn’t say anything about a baby. Which meant she didn’t want me to know.
The failure and disappointment I’d experienced at the beginning of the summer was nothing compared to this. This wasn’t about skipping class or not studying enough for a test.
This was real life shit.
This was the kind of permanent thing Grandma talked about two months ago. This was what all the other little mistakes were supposed to prepare me for.
Did Mackenna really think they were better off without me?
That was the only possible conclusion I could come to, and tears of anger and sadness filled my eyes. Only this time, the feelings were so overpowering that there was no possible outlet.
Dropout (The Good Guys Book 3) Page 26
