by J. C. Burke
'I'm more competitive with soccer.'
'But that's different. That's a team sport. You have to use that team feeling for yourself too.'
'Do you think?'
'Yes!' Ace put her hands on my shoulders. 'Listen to me, Georgie.' She squeezed my shoulders, demanding my attention. 'You know how when you're in a team, say like our surf tag teams, you do your best because you don't want to let the others down? Well, individual surfing can be the same. But this time you try your hardest because you don't want to let yourself down.'
'You know when I really began to dread the contests?'
'When the scouts started saying how amazing you were.'
'Yes!'
'You felt like you had to live up to something.'
'Yes!'
'And that took the fun out of it.'
'Yes!'
With each 'yes' it felt like a layer of skin as heavy as lead was falling off me and crashing to the ground.
'You have to tune out that stuff. Listen to your iPod before you go out there.'
'That doesn't work with me,' I answered.
'One thing Tim was good for was firing me up. I don't know why.' Ace was shaking her head. 'Most of the time he used to make out like I'd only got sponsored because of how I look.'
'Low.'
'This is about being an elite surfer,' Ace replied. 'That's why they've surprised us by bringing in the scouts. They're turning up the pressure to see who can hack it. And you can, Georgie. I know you can.'
'But how do you know?'
'I've been competing a long time,' Ace said. 'These days I can pretty much suss out who can cop the pressure and who goes under.'
'Yeah?'
'Kia goes under but she's also one of those dudes who manages to crawl back too. Not quite sure what her tactic is yet. Megan's cool, so's Micki. Tahlia's pretty fragile.' Ace pressed her lips together trying to hide a sneaky grin that was trying to break free. 'I rang my coach last night,' she whispered.
'Is that who you called?'
'I wanted to make sure they couldn't send us home early.' A smile, big and wide, spread across her face. 'I just couldn't stand having to leave Jules. I think I'm in love, Georgie!'
'You haven't even known him a week.'
'But I can't stop thinking about him. Every second, I'm trying to work out how I can slip away and see him.'
'Ace, you've got to be careful. You could stuff up everything.'
Ace looked around like she was checking there was no one else in the bungalow. 'Don't tell a soul but I've already been a wild card for the Australian squad, so I'm a certainty. I just had to come to camp as that's how the selection process works. It's just one of those things.'
KIA
Finally I was on fire. It was like God had ordered the surf conditions especially for me. That perfect left I'd enjoyed the day I arrived was peeling off again like magic. I laid down some rail and made my presence felt. At last the scouts were watching Kia Braidwood.
'Go, Starfish Sister.' Afterwards Jake gave me an enormous hug. 'You were ripping out there. Good stuff. You've obviously taken in our coaching sessions. Good girl. Your mind's on the job, Kia.' Then I heard him mutter, 'Unlike others.'
Georgie'd had a bad session. She'd passed on a perfect wave. Why, I don't know. Maybe she'd thought there was another one coming. Maybe she'd panicked. She'd tried to charge on the next but it wasn't walling up like the one before and she really blew it.
Georgie knew she had too. At dinner she hardly said a word, which was the total opposite to me. I couldn't shut up I was so pumped.
Ace had got down to the beach late. Jake looked like he was going to start frothing at the mouth he was so mad. She didn't seem to care, though. She just put on her rashie and paddled out, so cool and calm, like a true professional.
There was no way she wasn't going to be selected for the team. That meant there were really only three places left – and the reserve, but that never ended up counting for anything.
Micki had pulled it all together. Maybe it was time to admit that she was a consistent performer. I had to give her that. She had this amazing focus where it didn't matter what was happening, she could just switch on and concentrate on the job.
How I wished I could be like that. To be able to tune out of my head, or at least tell my head to shut up and stop hassling me, would be like having a holiday from myself.
The other thought I'd had while watching Micki carve it up in the surf today was: if my dad was in hospital would I be able to keep on going like her? She must've been used to it.
Davo seemed to be always in and out of hospital. Occasionally, Dad'd make the five-hour drive in the middle of the night just to check he was okay.
Every time I asked Mum why Dad had to go, why Davo couldn't take care of himself, she'd answer, 'That's what good friends do, Kia.'
Today had also made me realise that there was another thing I had to admit about Micki: you could trust her.
It was like I couldn't remember her walking into the bathroom. I'm never fully there when I'm doing my thing. I didn't even hear the door open. One minute I was sitting there on my own, the next Micki was crouching over me holding on to my thigh.
I always thought that someone finding me would be the worst thing that could ever happen. That the next thing I knew I'd be at psychiatrists and therapists and whoever else Dad thought he should tell about his failure of a daughter.
Every time I saw Carla coming towards me I thought, 'This is it. I'm going to be called into the office. My parents are going to be sitting in there, waiting for me. My life's over. The bitch has blabbed.'
Until today, I didn't want to be near Micki. I didn't want her to look at me or speak to me. When I found out her dad had gone to hospital I was like: great, now she'll have to go home.
I'd just been waiting for her to tell. But she didn't. It never happened. Instead, something else did.
After dinner, everyone watched the DVD of Jerry Maguire. I'd already seen it twice and I was too pumped to sit still for two hours, so I went up to the bungalow and had a nice long, hot shower.
When I got out I realised I'd left my beach towel in the board shed. I'd been using it for everything 'cause my bath towel had been missing since that night.
Only Micki's scungy old blue one was hanging in the bathroom. You could not pay me to use that. I'd rather die of pneumonia. So, dripping wet, I went to my drawer to get my trackie dacks to dry myself with – and clean and folded underneath my clothes was my bath towel.
For a while I sat there staring, while the water dripped and slipped across my shoulders and down my arms, forming a tiny pool around me.
There'd been no announcement, no fuss. It was just there waiting for me.
I took the towel out and buried my face in the fabric, smelling it like it was Charlie's soft skin. But beyond that, way down in the bottom of my stomach, I felt the shame.
'Thank you, Micki,' I whispered.
I was drifting off when Ace and Georgie came bursting in.
'Kia?' Georgie shook me. 'Wake up. You're not asleep.'
'What?'
'It's Micki's birthday in two days,' Ace announced.
'Huh?'
'Look, Kia.' Georgie was leaning over my bed with her hands on her hips. 'We all know you can't stand her. But I think seeing her father's in hospital and it's her birthday on Friday, it might be nice if you could make a bit of an effort. At least pretend to like her. Under the circumstances, I don't think that's too much to ask.'
Now I was sitting up and ready to spit back. 'I already have a present for her,' I lied. 'And I was actually going to remind you guys when you got back from watching Jerry Maguire that it was almost Micki's birthday,' I lied again. 'But I fell asleep, didn't I?'
'What have you got her?' Georgie quizzed.
'I'm giving her my sealed wettie.' Oh my God, my dad was going to kill me.
'They're worth four hundred dollars!' Ace screamed.
'It's, it's getti
ng a bit small for me.'
'But you just got it,' Georgie said. 'You kept saying it took your oldies forever to get you one.'
'Well, it did,' I stammered.
'Whoa, that's a big decision,' Georgie told me. 'Bags not being there when your dad finds out.'
'Oh, he'll be fine.' I was suddenly starting to feel a bit sick. 'Besides, I prefer the old one I wear every day. It's more comfy.'
'Georgie and I just had a quick chat to Carla and Jake about the fashion parade,' Ace said. 'They said it's fine to have it, as long as we make sure it's not going to embarrass her.'
'Great,' I offered.
'And Brian's going to make a cake for her birthday.' Georgie licked her lips. 'A bit of bad food at last.'
'Hey, Georgie, did you see the way Jake looked at me when I said I was going to model the bikinis?' Ace was screwing up her nose. 'Yuck!'
'Tim wouldn't like to hear that,' I said.
Ace shrugged and walked over to her bed. I guess you could just shrug and walk away when you had that many guys in love with you.
'Jake said you surfed really well today,' Georgie told me. 'And you did. You must be happy.'
'Thanks.'
'Yeah,' Ace agreed. 'He said to me, "Kia's making progress everyday." '
The surf the next morning was dead flat. It was like someone had popped my balloon. All I wanted was to show the scouts more of what Kia Braidwood could do.
'You're itching to get out there, aren't you?'Jake said.
'How can you tell?'
I wanted to hear from Jake's own mouth that I was surfing good.
'Your face,' he answered.
'How do you mean?'
'You get a really serious look.'
Not the answer I wanted.
'Don't worry, Kia. It'll be cranking again by tomorrow and you can tear it up like yesterday!'
That was more like it.
So today we were inside watching the video of yesterday's session. Which I had to admit was probably the next best thing.
The scouts sat there studying the tape and taking notes. There was no rewinding or playing back of anyone's moves. There wasn't even much yelling and whistling from us, the audience.
I couldn't help noticing Georgie's face as she watched herself. She wasn't all smiles like she'd been last week when they'd replayed her forehand snap a million times.
Today her face was flat. She didn't look happy. She didn't look disappointed or mad. She just looked blank.
The video ended. The TV was turned off and scout number one, who wore the tiny white shorts, came up the front with her notes.
'Well, I can see why you were all selected for this camp,' she started. 'There was some really stylish surfing yesterday.'
We smiled a bit but the tension was still high.
'Okay. Megan de Raile, we'll start with you. Where are you, Megan?'
Megan stood up.
'It's okay, you can sit down,' scout number one said without even a glance back at her. 'Technically, you're very solid, Megan,' she said, 'and that's a good foundation to work from.'
I swallowed every word, whether it was good or bad. Natasha's moves had 'height'. Tahlia 'lost points' with too many 'half turns'. Ace didn't seem to have 'her mind on the job' but she 'oozed a natural style'. Micki looked like she was having 'fun' as well as putting in a 'consistent performance with each wave'.
On and on it went until I heard 'Kia Braidwood'.
I put up one hand.
'Kia?' She was searching through her notes. 'Sorry, just give me a minute. There's twelve of you. Okay, Kia . . . Kia?' She was licking her fingers, still flicking through the papers. 'Some of you I know immediately, 'cause you really stood out, but others I'm still getting to know.'
My insides felt what she'd said a second before my brain understood it. She doesn't remember me. Take a deep breath, I told myself. Keep it together.
'Kia? You gave us plenty of rail and executed some good bottom turns, which seemed to be very instinctive. You need to work on your speed as you're . . .'
It could've been thirty seconds or thirty minutes but what she was saying wasn't what I'd imagined. I'd hoped for 'You have a natural style.' The words I'd almost expected were 'You really stood out yesterday,' but I didn't hear them, either.
I knew the ultimate would've been, 'You've got a big future ahead of you.' But that was as far as I had dared to dream.
My breath wasn't held for 'You've got the power to surf like a boy.' This time I'd tried not to put too much pressure on myself. Tried not to get my hopes up.
I wrapped my fingers around my wrist, my nails pinching into the soft skin. I thought I'd prepared. I thought I'd set myself a realistic expectation. I was wrong – again.
Jake seemed pleased with the report, unless he was doing the best impersonation of looking stoked. He gave me a sneaky wink and a thumbs up.
Obediently, my lips turned northwards and smiled back at him. My 'natural style' was hiding what I really felt.
You idiot, I raged. You thought you surfed well. You actually thought you performed better than the others! Get a grip. You didn't. You were average. You were . . . forgettable.
My brain re-entered the room when I heard the scout call, 'Georgie Elwood Ross'.
Georgie's arm flopped up then flopped back down.
'There you are.' The scout smiled. That in itself was rare. 'Georgie, I'm sure you know better than anyone that you made some bad choices out there yesterday. It seemed like you weren't really reading the conditions. Was it nerves? Because that's what it seemed like to us.'
'I guess,' Georgie answered.
'Have you ever –' The scout stopped mid-sentence, looked over to Jake and whispered something behind her hand. She then nodded, but in a way that said she was waiting for an okay. For a second, Jake considered whatever her proposition was, nodded back and answered, 'Sure. Worth a go.'
'Okay, Georgie.' An extra-big smile from the scout this time. 'I think we'll leave it at that for now.'
Was what she just said to Georgie meant to be good or bad? My head resumed its chatter. Good or bad? Good or bad?
We filed out of the rec room. Most of us looked like we'd been hit by a sledgehammer. I certainly felt like I had. The bad thing was, it had kind of caught me off guard and sliced me off at the ankles too.
'What a tough bitch,' Megan spat. I was about to say, 'What are you complaining about? She didn't say anything negative to you,' when Megan said, 'She went way too hard on Tahlia.'
'She's crying,' Georgie told us.
'Tahlia?' I repeated. I couldn't remember what her performance assessment had been like. It probably wasn't that bad.
'Free time now,' Ace said, skipping down the stairs and off towards the bungalows.
'Why's she so happy?' Megan snarled.
Carla was coming towards us. 'Georgie and Kia?' She waved.
'See ya,' Megan grunted. 'I'm going to do some weights.'
Carla asked Georgie and me to go to the local shops to choose a card for Micki's birthday tomorrow. Half of me wanted to spit at her and say, 'How insensitive are you? I'm going to the beach to dig a hole and crawl into it.' The other half of me wanted to pick Georgie's brains, see what she thought about the scout's assessment of me. Also it'd be kind of good, hanging out with Georgie for a bit. It hadn't been just us two in ages.
Walking out the gates and back into the real world felt like entering some strange new land. The noise of the traffic seemed so loud and everywhere there were people – driving, getting on and off buses, pushing shopping trolleys. It was like they were falling from the sky. I had that feeling where I wanted to turn the TV down but I couldn't find the remote control.
The other thing that felt strange was the silence between Georgie and me as we walked along the footpath. I wanted to start talking but I was trying to work out how I could bring up the scout thing and steer it towards me without making it too obvious.
Georgie spoke first. 'Did you find out what's wrong wi
th Micki's dad?'
'No,' I answered, 'but he's always in and out of hospital.'
'He's got some sickness, hasn't he?'
'Something like that.' Georgie frowned at me. But I didn't know. 'I've only met him a couple of times,' I explained. 'And that was ages ago. I don't know much about him.'
'But he's your dad's best friend.'
'Yeah, but Dad doesn't really talk about him. It's Micki he mostly tells me about.'
'I just think it's a bit strange that you know virtually nothing about your dad's best mate.'
'He does live five hours away,' I said. 'And I do know Davo doesn't like having people to stay and he doesn't like leaving home.'
'But you're always telling me your dad's going up there to see him 'cause you hate it that he goes up there so much.'
'Yeah, that's true.'
Again silence. I couldn't think of anything to stuff it with. My mind was still going over the scout's comments, tearing every line to pieces then studying it from every angle.
'I, I' – carefully I began – 'I didn't think what they said to Tahlia was that bad.'
'Are you kidding!' Georgie almost shouted. 'They sucked.'
'Oh?' I stopped outside the newsagency. 'So you think she got the worst report?'
'Her and Jaime, for sure,' Georgie said, pushing open the door to the newsagency. 'How beautiful and cool is it in here? Are you happy with what the scout said?'
'Are you?'
'What? Happy with what she said to you or happy with what she said to me? Which was about three words in total.'
'Either,' I shrugged.
'I thought she was pretty nice to you.'
'When she finally remembered who I was,' I added.
'Don't worry about that.' Georgie rolled her eyeballs and pulled her 'get over it' face. She so didn't understand me. 'The only reason she knew me straight off was because I was the one who couldn't handle their nerves.'
'Yeah,' I said. 'What do you think that was about?'
Georgie went over to the card display. 'What was what about?'
'You know.' I stood in front of the display shelf. 'The way she was whispering behind her hand.'
