by J. C. Burke
'But you need your sleep, Ace. This camp's important.'
'Don't you want to meet me?'
'Are you kidding?' Finally Jules stretched out on the sand. His hands reached over and touched my face, so gently it felt like a feather gliding over my skin. 'Do you know how long today was?'
'Yes!' I took his hand and wrapped it around mine. 'All I could think about all day was meeting you.'
'Me too,' he sighed. 'But like I said, Ace, this camp's important and I'm worried about distracting you.'
'Don't,' I soothed. 'I'll be fine. I'm pretty much a shoo-in and in six months' time I'll be back for the Junior Team Training Camp. So we can do this all over again.'
'I don't know if we should. Besides, in six months' time I'll be in the middle of my baseball training.' He kissed the lump on my head. 'I don't want to get you into trouble and stuff it for you.'
For a second, I wondered if he was trying to let me down gently, tell me he didn't really like me that much. But then he lifted his body and lay across me and I knew that wasn't what he was feeling. Jules was just really, really sweet. He was absolutely nothing – nothing – like Tim.
'That's so nice you care. Heaps of guys wouldn't.'
'How could they not care about you?'
I didn't answer. I closed my eyes and let his lips run across my neck and over my shoulder.
'Is this the shoulder you hurt?' Jules whispered. His breath smelt sweet but familiar. 'Does it still hurt?'
I went to answer but I couldn't. It just wasn't possible.
*
I could've stayed at the beach till the first glimpse of daylight. I could've walked away from camp and boarded a plane to Canada, if that's what Jules wanted. But he didn't. He wanted me to get some sleep. Borrrrrring!
So at two am he walked me back to camp and watched me disappear up the sand towards the Starfish Bungalow.
My feet were touching the ground – they had to be as I was walking – but it felt like I was floating just a couple of centimetres above. It was like I wasn't really here at the camp – not all of me, that was, just the part that surfed and competed. The other part had gone with Jules.
I watched my hands reach over to the door handle as though they belonged to someone else. Quietly, I stepped inside, carefully pulling the door closed.
Perhaps I stood there a moment, wondering why the room looked different. A lamp was on and three lumps weren't in their beds anymore. Two lumps were sitting on the floor.
Georgie was getting up and walking towards me. Her arms were reached out and on the palms of her hands was blood.
'Ace! Thank God you're here.' She grabbed my shoulders and began to shake them. 'It's Kia.'
Finally I found my voice. It was soft but I could hear it sounded frightened. 'What's happened? Georgie? What's happened to Kia?'
But Georgie wrapped her arms around me and began to cry.
'Would someone please tell me what's going on?' I said, trying to fight the urge to push Georgie away. What was happening? Why wouldn't someone talk to me? 'Micki?'
'Kia cut herself,' Micki answered for them.
Micki, who couldn't stand the sight of blood, was sitting with Kia, holding towels, a T-shirt, sandshoes and books all piled up on Kia's thigh.
'She's cut herself?' I echoed. I could feel my frown pushing down on my forehead. 'How did she cut –' Just like that I stopped. My lips opened then closed and my hand cupped itself over my mouth. Suddenly I understood.
Kia's skin was white and tiny beads of sweat shone on her forehead. I went over to her and ran my hand across her hair and down her neck. All of her felt damp – damp and cold. She scared me, sitting there so quiet and pale.
'Let me have a look, Kia,' I said, leaning over her. 'I know my first aid. I've had that many surfing injuries.'
Micki shook her head.
'No?'
Micki mouthed the words to me, 'It's bad.'
I sat back on my heels and swallowed.
'Georgie?' You could hardly hear Kia. Her breath smelt strange, like wet grass in the morning, only stronger. 'Georgie, can I have some water? I'm so thirsty.'
I followed Georgie to the bathroom.
'What happened?'
'Micki found her.' Georgie's bottom lip dragged and trembled as she tried to form the words. 'The next thing I knew she was squealing. I ran into the bathroom. Micki was grabbing a towel. It was the most horrible thing I've ever seen. There was all this blood gushing out of the top of Kia's thigh.' Georgie ran her hand across the very top of her leg. 'She cut herself right up here.'
'She could've cut an artery!'
'That's exactly what Micki said,' she replied. 'I'm so stupid. I couldn't think straight. Micki was so calm. So amazing. She just told me what to do.'
We stood staring at each other in the mirror. Tears were streaming down our faces.
'The worst thing is, Ace' – Georgie's fingers wrapped themselves around her throat – 'she's done it before. Heaps of times. Her thighs,' she choked. 'All over them – all over, cuts and scars everywhere. I can't believe I've never seen them before. But they're always covered.'
Silence.
Georgie's eyes peered up and into our reflection. 'God,' she uttered. 'That's why she wears a wetsuit.'
'That's why she wears a wetsuit,' I whispered back.
GEORGIE
The three of us sat with Kia. For a while Kia slept against me and Ace's hand held the towels against her leg while Micki's head rested in Ace's lap. When that got uncomfortable we gently sat Kia up and Micki took my place, I held the towels and Ace curled up on the floor next to me.
I refused to have a turn of sleeping. I needed to keep awake so I could watch Kia and her breath rise and fall with every second.
Kia had cut herself. Cut herself? But I couldn't say it. Say the secret we had just uncovered. It was like if I heard myself say the words, then it was true. How could it be true when Kia was my best friend? She wasn't some emo.
I knew everything about her.
I knew that she didn't like milk; that she was terrified of snakes; that pork gave her bad dreams; that she wanted to be buried not cremated; that she'd secretly had a crush on Shannon Noll; and that when she was seven she accidentally trod on her goldfish when it jumped out of its tank.
I knew everything there was to know about her. But I didn't know this.
What sort of a friend, what sort of a best friend, had I really been?
Gradually, shafts of light peered into our room like they were stickybeaking at the mess we were in. Because that was the thing, we were in a mess. At some point soon we were going to have to scrape ourselves off the floor and face the day and everyone in it. It was Sunday, the last weekend we'd spend here. 'Ace?' I whispered. 'What are we going to do? I'm scared we should've got someone to help us.'
'I don't know,' she replied. 'It's stopped bleeding, at least.'
'But maybe we should tell someone, like Carla?'
'Please don't tell.' This time it was Kia's voice, croaky but strong. 'Please.'
'Kia?' I answered. 'This is serious. If you cut a bit higher you could've . . . died.'
'You can't tell. You have to promise.'
'It's okay, Kia,' soothed Micki. 'Georgie's just worried about you.'
'Please?' Kia said again. 'Please don't tell. I won't do it again. I promise.'
I looked to Micki. She'd been quiet through it all. Calmly she'd just gone ahead and done what was needed like she'd been in this situation a thousand times before.
Ace sat up. 'We'll talk about it tonight. We'll work out what to do tonight.'
'Please don't tell,' Kia bleated. 'Please.'
*
So the plan we made was just to get through the day. The cut on Kia's thigh was deep but thankfully not wide. Kia opened a toiletry bag, one I had never seen before, that hid scissors, antiseptic cream, cotton balls, bandaids, bandages and little strips that held the skin together like a stitch.
In amazement, I watched
her fingers cut and trim and stick and fix a dressing over her wound. And all the while I whispered to myself: 'She has done this a million times before.'
The brick was back in my stomach, heavier than it had ever been. Was I responsible for this? Was it my fault? Had I missed the signs? And most of all, had my victories, victories that'd come so easily to me, like that time in April – had they made her feel like a failure?
As Ace and I made our way to Carla's office, my stomach churned like a milkshake machine. It was only 7.30 and already the sun was pounding down and the singing cicadas were loud and off key.
'This bang on my head is caning,' Ace complained.
'Yeah, I've got a bit of a headache too,' I said, 'but I think mine's from lack of sleep.'
Ace opened the glass doors of the admin building.
'Just say she's not in here?'
'She will be,' Ace replied. 'Carla always spends the morning putting stuff on the computer. Once she told me that she gets too tired to do the paperwork at night.'
'Do you think she'll believe us?'
'Of course she will,' replied Ace. 'Why wouldn't she?'
'I don't know.'
'Let me do the talking. Okay?'
'But I'm scared we're doing the wrong thing, not telling anyone.' My voice got higher with each word. Panic, that's what it was. 'Just say Kia does it again and this time really, really hurts herself?'
'The four of us need to have a big talk tonight.'
'But Kia's not going to change her mind about telling anyone,' I whispered. 'You heard her say her oldies wouldn't be able to handle it. And they wouldn't. They'd totally freak, especially her dad.'
Ace stopped just before we turned the corner into Carla's office. 'So we have to make a pact. The four of us. That's the only way we're going to get through this and protect Kia.' She added, 'And ourselves.'
'I'm scared,' I said, and swallowed.
'Keep it together, Georgie, for Kia.'
I took a deep breath and wiped my hands across my shorts.
We entered the office I'd sat in just the other day with the sports psychologist, where I'd thought I was unloading all my dread and fear. Now it was the office where Ace and I were about to tell the biggest lie of our lives. Well, maybe not the biggest lie but certainly the one that potentially had the most serious consequences.
The ceiling felt lower and Carla looked bigger. For a second I was certain she already knew.
'Ace? Georgie?' Carla stood up. 'Come in and take a seat.'
'I'll stand,' I said.
Ace sat.
'I was thinking about you Starfish, as my next job was to look at Wednesday's schedule to see if that would be a good day for the parade,' began Carla.
The fashion parade? My heart slid to the bottom of my feet.
'I was talking to Jake about it yesterday. Obviously Friday's out with the selections and all. And –' Carla looked up at us and smiled. 'The Thursday is usually stress city around here, as it's the day before the selections. Georgie, are you feeling okay? You're looking a little pale.'
I leant against the wall and shrugged. 'Fine.'
'Carla,' Ace's hands folded onto the desk. 'We just came to tell you Kia's sick.'
'Oh?' Carla frowned. 'What's wrong with her?'
'She vomited all night,' Ace continued. 'Probably about ten times, don't you reckon, Georgie?'
My head nodded.
'The poor thing,' Carla said. 'Where is she now?'
'She's in the bungalow,' Ace replied. 'Sleeping.'
'I suppose you're all tired,' Carla commented. 'Did any of you get any sleep?'
'Not really.' It was like every word that came out of Ace's mouth had a double meaning. 'Anyway, we'd like to take goes of looking after her today, in the bungalow, if that's okay? Just until she feels better.'
'There's no need to do that,' Carla told us. 'Kia can spend the day in the sick room. Actually, it's better that way as gastric bugs are pretty contagious.'
'Oh, it wasn't gastric.' Ace was quick. 'She thinks it was the, the eggs in the potato salad we had last night. Kia said she often spews when she's eaten eggs.'
'But she's still fine to go to the sick room,' continued Carla. 'I don't want you girls missing out on your training. The clock's ticking, Ace.'
'Please,' I blurted before I had a chance to stop myself, 'please, Kia kind of needs us to be with her.'
Carla sized us both up. 'Has this got something to do with the tears yesterday afternoon? I know Kia can take things to heart. Jake was worried she'd taken it the wrong way and thought he was picking on her.'
'Well, he was!' Ace huffed. 'Jake was fully hard on her.'
'Sometimes that's the way coaches have to be, Ace,' Carla answered. 'You know, cruel to be kind. He felt that he had explained that to her.'
'So, can we look after Kia?' I asked again. The other conversation was taking us into dangerous territory. 'We'll rotate and if you don't count meals we'll only miss one or two sessions each. Please?'
'I suppose that's all right – for now,' Carla told us. 'I'll go up and see her.'
'Thanks,' Ace and I said together.
As soon as we were out the door and out of earshot I spat, 'The fashion parade! What are we going to do about that?'
'I know,' Ace sighed. 'It wasn't the right time to discuss it.'
'I don't think Carla will care if we cancel it. We'll just say that –'
'Cancel it?' Ace sounded surprised. But as if the fashion parade could go ahead now. 'Why would we cancel it?'
I stopped. 'Kia.'
'Well, well, Kia – won't be in it, I guess,' Ace said. 'But there's me and I was going to ask Natasha and –'
'Kia started the bikinis. It's her thing, much more than mine. She designs them,' I explained. 'I sew them 'cause my mum's got the sewing machine.'
'What about the Bikina website you're designing?'
Why were we even talking about this? It was like talking about a party at someone's funeral.
'Let's talk about it later,' Ace sighed. 'I'm not sure I can deal with any more.'
'Me neither,' I muttered.
We walked back to the bungalow in silence.
Breakfast was followed by a light weight class. Ace sat it out and spent the time with Kia. The next session was training in our surf groups, which took us through till lunchtime.
As soon as Ace appeared, Jake herded us into the rec room. There wasn't even time to ask how Kia was doing.
'I'm going to split this session into three timeslots,' he told us. 'That way each of you will get forty-five minutes of one-on-one training with me.'
'Great,' Ace mumbled.
I'm sure Jake heard but ignored it.
'Ace, I want you to do thirty minutes of high-intensity work in the gym,' he said.
'What!' Ace cried. 'Do you know how much sleep I've had?'
'That's why you need to push yourself this morning. Find those reserves,' he said. 'The bike or the treadmill. Your pick.' He checked his watch. 'Be ready at the beach by ten-thirty and don't be a second late.'
'Yes, sir.' Ace tossed her hair across her shoulder and flounced out. A week ago I probably would've had a giggle.
'Micki, you can spend this session with your patient, Kia,' he said.
'Yep.' Micki looked tired and since last night she'd been super-quiet. 'Then do you want me in the gym?'
'Exactly. Then the beach at midday,' Jake instructed. 'Now, tell Kia to hurry up and get better. I need her back on deck.'
Jake squeezed my arm. 'Okay, you're on first, Georgie girl. Let's go.'
Jake and I paddled out. It was clean and hollow, three foot at the most. But this was what I needed: the water, to wash away the yuckiness all over me. What with Ace sneaking out and Kia's secret, there was enough to go around. I could feel it pasted on my skin.
'I was thinking about taking you and Megan over to Merrimen's Point,' Jake said. 'There's a lethal forehand there. It's super-sucky in powerful right-handers. But if you pick th
e right ones, you natural footers will carve it up. No worries.'
'Yeah!' I whooped. 'How big does it get?'
'Five, maybe six foot when it's cranking.'
'Unreeeeal.' A new challenge was what I needed. Something to really focus on. Something to help me forget all the stuff that'd sprung out of nowhere. But always the nice girl, I found myself saying, 'What about Micki and Ace? They're naturals too.'
'I don't think Micki's quite ready for it. She almost is but I don't want her confidence being rocked this late in. Knowing her, she'd want to get in there and rip it up. She's got good attitude, that girl.'
'And Ace?'
'Ace hasn't' – he paused and chewed his lip – 'hasn't earnt it.'
That was the end of the conversation.
'Do you think I was too hard on Kia yesterday?'
'A bit,' I admitted.
'I just want to push her that little bit more,' Jake explained. 'She's so close. If only she knew that.'
'Close to what?'
'Finding her true potential. Her confidence. Once Kia's got that there'll be no stopping her. She's already overdosed on focus and good attitude,' he said. 'I wish she could see that.'
'Why don't you tell her?'
'I started to yesterday but I didn't get through. It's like she didn't believe me. Has Kia always been like that? So . . . unsure of herself?'
I shrugged. How could I tell Jake that I had thought I knew her, when in fact she was a stranger.
'You Starfish Sisters have all got what it takes and I really –' Jake stopped and began to cup the water onto his board then smooth it out like he was making a pattern only he could see. 'I shouldn't say this,' he mumbled. 'But I'm going to.'
'What?'
'Ace has got to start getting in the game. Maybe you can talk some sense into her. Is it because she's away from her boyfriend? Is that the problem? Because she's not cutting it and it's a big waste of our time and her talent.'
'Oh?'
Maybe it wasn't a fair thing to think but I felt like I'd found myself in somebody else's mess and whether it was Kia's or Ace's, I didn't want to be there.
Concentrating on my surfing was where I wanted to be. The fire was burning inside me, stronger than ever before. I wanted to be selected for the Junior Team Training Camp. I wanted it badly.
